When do adult dc forgive divorce?

[frocksmock]

It's 3 and a half years since I divorced their father for emotional and financial abuse they didn't see or know about. Exh took to drink and was angry, upset and emotional, threw the one adult dc who still lived at home out and put all their childhood belongings in a skip. Nevertheless he met and married someone else within 18 months. I didn't show how distressed I was, apologised constantly to my dc, began dating but nothing really worked out and met a couple of abusive men along the way who treated me badly. My ds is lovely with me but my adult daughters are contemptuous, rude, unforgiving and barely speak to me. They have babies that they rarely let me see, but they involve their father and his new wife in everything. I understand that dating so soon looked bad and that I made some bad choices. I've done the freedom programme now and had a lot of counselling. I can't apologise enough to my daughters but they just refuse to forgive and their nastiness is tearing me apart. Every conversation is like treading on eggshells and I'm losing the chance to know my beautiful grandchildren. What can I do?

OP, this breaks my heart. I agree with PP - stop apologising. And I'd be inclined to tell your DD's that. Tell them that you are very sorry that they were upset by your divorce but that you're no longer going to apologise for doing it as it was the right thing to do as you were being financially and emotionally abused. You don't need to regale them with specific tales unless asked.

Also, I think it's time to find a new spiritual community. I am not religious but have many religious friends and family. It's not unusual at some point to decide you want to move churches. I think you should just quite attend a few services at local churches. Try a variety. Go, see what the service is like, what the sermon is like, what sort of spiritual and emotional response you have. Look around at the people and see how they behave. Pray about it. And once you find one that "speaks to you", you can start to build new relationships and a new community.

I think you’ll have to wait. It’s probably not just the divorce they’re getting over, it’s leaving the community after a very religious upbringing. They didn’t choose to be brought up with these ideas about women, and they did not choose their role models. Now they have to adjust.

I’m sure your relationship with them will improve in time.

This is one of the saddest threads I’ve ever read on here, it’s really getting to me. OP I’m horrified at the way you’ve all had to live but so glad you’re starting to take steps to a better future.

Please think hard about this. There is absolutely no way you can have lost any salvation, in fact you seem to have gained it. There is no god or spiritual icon of any kind who would condemn you for what you have done, it just doesn’t make any sense. Furthermore any religion pushing that idea is not a religion in terms of a higher spiritual power, it has no power to save you or otherwise, it’s a cult. You need to reduce its hold on you. Your escape from these charlatans is just as admirable as your escape from an abusive husband. I really hope all your children manage to get and stay well away.

Yes, stop apologising. You know you have a right to live, right?

Model that to your children.

You sound desperately guilty and desperately looking for absolution, but you don't need it. You have a right to live your life, lovely.

Also, people respect strength; a sad truth but it's truth. Model it. Live your truth, and they may come to respect you more.

Thank you everyone who took the time to write such kind and encouraging things, it means a lot

Just on the spiritual side OP... it makes me sad that you say divorce is ‘unforgivable’
Surely the whole point of salvation is that we can be forgiven?
Nothing is unforgivable.

[quote Footle]@frocksmock , you've lost your salvation?[/quote]
This stood out for me as well! Op are you still a part of this religion at all, or does your divorce somehow cut you out ? I'm not really a religious person myself, but surely some of the main tenets of faith are forgiveness and understanding? Even though you have done nothing wrong, you should forgive yourself if that helps you come to terms with your new situation, explain things to your children, help them understand why you left their father?
You deserve happiness, try to stop punishing yourself

I'm not religious either, but there are kinder churches where you wouldn't be judged for removing yourself from an abusive marriage and fundamentalism. But please stop blaming yourself and stop apologising; live your life, enjoy your freedom and your daughters will maybe find your example helpful in finding their own path.

OP I am also sorry to read this.

Could you write to your daughters and explain some things without damning their father ?

Surely their informative years with you are what they will remember, and perhaps you could touch on that. You could tell them that you love them and will always be their mum no matter what happens.

Apart from that I don't think there is anything else you can do

I think too that people, who feel they have been dealt a bad deal (eg your DCs who are probably angry at both of their DPs for upsetting their childhoods) will take it out on someone. DF probably would not have responded to this, you on the other hand are submissive and regretful, so venting their anger on DF wouldn't have given them any satisfaction whereas your reactions do, and possibly prove to them their attitudes are justified.
People hit out when they are angry /hurt.

OP are you 100% sure it's the divorce that is making your children so angry? They sound like they had a very difficult and unusual upbringing. They had no control over this - it's what you and your exH chose for them. It's interesting you say your son has not fallen out with you but your daughters have. Given their patriarchal upbringing did your DS have an easier time of it? Your DDs could well be furious with you for not leaving sooner. It's not fair of posters to say they should just get over it because they are adults or that they aren't normal or may be abusers themselves. Imagine what a thread written by them might sound like - brought up in an incredibly restrictive way, and finding it difficult to have a relationship with their mum as an adult. Would people be telling them that they were probably an abuser or not normal then? It sounds like there is much much more going on here than anger over a divorce. I'm sorry you are so distressed - I think you need to unpack all your feelings with a counsellor who is experienced in leaving this type of situation before trying to tackle your relationship with your children. Good luck.

"brought up in an incredibly restrictive way, and finding it difficult to have a relationship with their mum as an adult"
@Blueringedoctopus this really hit home. I feel very ashamed and can see how deeply I've failed them

Oh @frocksmock I didn't say this to make you feel ashamed. I'm really am sorry you are so upset. I just think the situation is very complex and trying to pin the breakdown in relationship with your daughters on one thing is too simplistic. I really recommend you find a good counsellor to talk this through. The fact you are trying to work out a way to resolve this is really positive.

@frocksmock. Well at least you’ve left now.

But yes - bringing them up in a way which taught that men are more important than women and that women should be subservient to men was failing them.

But someone must have failed you if you thought that was the right thing to do.

Frankly, I think there are very few parents who have not failed their children in one way or another. I know I’ve failed mine in various ways and done okay in others.

Are you the same frocksmock that gave fabswingers a go and has been quite busy on the OLD relationship thread?
Not saying you shouldn't be doing that but a little less of the 'finding absolution' and "No, I haven't found a spiritual community because I'm terrified to open myself up to judgement. It's hard enough getting over silly things like short sleeves, trousers etc."
I think your daughters may find you confusing, as I do. Maybe that's why there has been a communication breakdown.