Use MN regularly but NC as details here could be outing. Apologies for length but didn't want to dripfeed.
I'm mid 30s and have a new bf (few months) who's the same age. We get on really well, the chemistry is great, and I really like him. I got divorced some years ago and now ready to settle down and have kids. He knows this, and we both agree this has potential and he has said that he'll be honest with me if he doesn't see a future as he doesn't want to waste my time. We're both happy with how it's progressing.
However, there is something that has me a bit concerned but I'm not sure if I'm just being paranoid. So could use some straight talking MN advice.
He has never had a gf before me. Which did surprise me as he's very attractive, good job, smart, funny, kind etc. When I asked him about it, he said it's because his job has unsociable hours (it does) and he's spent many years working and qualifying. He also lived with his mum till very recently but has now bought his own place and finally living alone. I assumed that living with his mum for many years may have put off some women as well. But he's been a good bf so far so his lack of relationship experience doesn't bother me.
However, I have now clocked that there might be another reason he has been single all these years. He has a very good female friend, who he met as the wife of an old friend. He and the husband were very good mates but he is now closer to her than him. Nothing strange there and I have many male friends so haven't thought anything about it till recently.
A couple of incidents made me wonder though: e.g she discusses things with him that she doesn't with her husband (e.g her worries about periods/not wanting to get pregnant etc). OR he send her selfies of himself when he thinks he's looking good at work OR he gets her to proof read his work emails before he sends them. Also he discusses with me a lot her worries about her husband's job fears. But when i went through something similar to her husband he wasn't that bothered.
I jokingly asked him if the reason he was always single was because she met his emotional needs and made a gf redundant. He admitted that other friends of theirs had said the same thing about their friendship. But there was nothing between them, she was just naturally maternal and cared about him. And he didn't have feelings for her.
The thing that really annoyed me is that he then told her what i had said about their emotional dependency, to get her advice on what to do!!!! He also admits he shares with her screenshots of messages I've sent and details of any little disagreements we have, to get advice.
I think I was willing to write off my own alarm bells as me being insecure, but the fact that her friends and his have said the same, makes me nervous. It feels a bit like there's a 3rd party in our relationship and the level of impact she has on him worries me. E.g we have unprotected sex now (am on pill) but he decided he wanted to use condoms because she had a pregnancy scare and seeing her anxiety over it made him want to avoid that problem. He didn't even ask my opinion on if it's what I wanted. Just sprung it on me during sex.
So, my question is, do you think I am right to be concerned about how close they are? Could it cause problems? Or am I just being paranoid and need a chill pill? Am just wary of time wasting/getting hurt. We haven't met yet but with covid etc we haven't gotten around to the meet friends/family stage anyway.