You are the Princess Diana to their Charles and Camilla, look how that whole scenario played out. Get out now, take it from someone who has been in a very similar situation. I'll tell you a little bit about the relationship that I have just ended...
I met my ex two and a half years ago, the relationship was long distance, we lived a 90 min drive apart. He told me very early on that his 'best friend' was one of his ex girlfriends.
He had been in a relationship with this woman many years ago for around 8 years. They broke up when he dumped her for a previous GF who then promptly dumped him due to his heavy drinking). He only ever lived with 'best friend' GF for 6 months of their relationship. He lives in a converted garage attached to his DM & DF's bungalow, and has done for all of his adult life apart from that 6 months with BF ex.
BF ex then went off living in another country to lick her wounds. Fast forward a couple of years, my ex got very poorly, almost died, BF ex promptly returned from other country to help nurse him back to health.
They didn't resume their physical relationship, but I think this is when their emotional relationship started to form.
BF ex then got into another relationship, she has now been with this guy for around 14 years and they have children (she and my ex have no children together).
My ex has never had another long term relationship since BF ex, which amounts to around 22 years where he has had relationships similar to the one with me, where it'll last a year or two until the new GF gets tired of the inappropriately close 'friendship' with the BF ex and dumps him.
Examples of how weird my ex's 'friendship' with this ex was:
- On our first ever date (in my city) she rang him while we were out at a bar together, he proceeded to chat to her, laughing and joking, for around 15 min's, while I sat and twiddled my thumbs. This was her first instance of 'I'm here with you both, just so you know'. I wish I'd have picked up on this first red flag and ran! After this he would often take calls from her on 'our time', which was very frustrating seeing as I only ever saw him fortnightly for the weekend. She would think nothing of ringing him late at night or early in the morning, he would always take the call. One Sunday morning she rang and I heard her say "has 'my name' gone home yet?", obviously wanting the latest gossip on whatever my latest issue was, as I had a lot going on in my life at the time. When he said that I hadn't left yet, she made an excuse and hung up the call. I know he told her things that I didn't want anyone to know because he slipped up a couple of times, this resulted in me not telling him anything about my private life for fear of him gossiping about it to her. Not being able to tell your partner about things that are going on in your life because you can't trust them to keep that information to themselves, is no foundation for a relationship.
- On my first ever visit to his town, he took me to meet BF ex.... in retrospect this was extremely disrespectful of him. Imagine, taking your new GF to meet your ex GF on her first ever visit to your city!! Why didn't I run? What was I thinking?? He was definitely showcasing me for her seal of approval. Sick and creepy on both of their parts.
- My ex and I went on a skiing trip with a group of his friends (she wasn't one of them). I'd never been skiing before, I hated it, was terrified. On the second day I took my skis off on the slopes and proceeded to walk down the mountain (sounds childish I know, but I was genuinely terrified of breaking my neck!). He left me on the mountain side stating 'unwritten rule, you take your skis off, you're on your own'. When I got back to our hotel room (after an hour of trudging down snowy mountains) I noticed he'd left his mobile in the room. After a while it pinged with a text from BF ex saying 'I'm sure she'll be fine if she tries again tomorrow' or words to that effect. He had obviously gone straight back to the hotel room and texted her about my lack of prowess on the slopes.
- One day I noticed a package on his table with a load of tins of this grease stuff he uses for his hair, it had the BF ex's address on the package. I asked him why it had been delivered to her address (which is literally a two minute walk from where he lives) he said, 'oh she orders it for me because I don't have Paypal). Mothering or what? I mean, set up your own Paypal, it takes two minutes! She would also draft letters to companies for him and other such admin type jobs.
- The final nail in the coffin came a couple of months ago when I was at his flat. I'd not seen him for a few weeks and we were having a lie in, just chatting, not doing anything sexual (that had died a death anyway). At around 9.30am she rang him and asked him to go and view something with her (property connected). He complained a little bit, said he was still in bed, but didn't make issue with the fact that I was there (which she already knew anyway). She then proceeded to basically beg him to go, stating 'I don't know what I'm looking at, you're a builder, I need you to look at it, oh come on, you promised me' etc etc. He got up and went. Granted, he wasn't gone for long, but when he got back he told me that she had pulled into the pub car park on the way back and said 'come on, let's go for a beer'. It was 11.15 in the morning. He didn't go for the beer but for me it proved that she was trying to sabotage our relationship.
At this point I was past caring. That same day I gathered all of my decent stuff together and packed it. Unbeknown to him, I had no intentions of every putting myself through that crap ever again.
On a phone call a few days later I asked him what he was up to, he said he'd been out for a drink with the BF ex, it was the final straw. I put the phone down. I did speak to him a few days later as he was calling relentlessly. He had nothing to say about the situation apart from 'I could kill you, she's just a friend'. I told him that I had no problem with them being friends, but that the friendship seemed co dependent and inappropriate.
Looking at the situation now with hindsight, all of the red flags are there with my ex. The fact that he still basically lives with his parents at the age of 49. The fact that his Mother does all of his laundry and cooks his dinner every night (she's in her 70's and he let's her wait on him hand and foot). The fact that since he's been furloughed, he's been living off his Mother and Father because his previous job was cash in hand. Zero responsibility for himself. This guy was a man-child, he had never grown up. Yours sounds exactly the same.
Don't get me wrong. I wasn't in the slightest bit jealous or threatened by this ex, but the fact that my ex was involving her in our lives to such a large degree (discussing some very private issues of mine with her) was not acceptable to me. The fact that towards the end of our relationship I felt that he was prioritising her over me sounded the death knell.
Do yourself a favour, get out of this situation before it even starts, it will not go well I promise you that. It is an emotional affair that they are having, she is Mothering him and he loves it (just like my ex did). There is probably nothing sexual going on, but an affair such as this is just as disrespectful and hurtful.
Your guy, and my ex, don't actually want an adult relationship with a woman, it is too much responsibility for them. Look how he has had to ask her for advice about your quarrels (just like my ex did on the skiing trip). These 'men' can't handle adult situations, therefore they use these women as a 'crutch'.
Can I ask, has your guy shown any immature tendencies in other areas. My ex liked to drone on about fisticuffs that he'd had in his youth. Also, he was very immature when it came to the opposite sex. He would make the sort of comments that a teenage boy would make, 'oooh, tits on the telly!' and suchlike. He told me a story of how some woman had invited him to squeeze her breast after she'd had a boob job about six times during our relationship. I've a feeling he'll dine out on that story for the rest of his life LOL.
Ultimately, these men are not a good prospect for a secure future. Please please heed my warning. I have no doubt at all in my mind that if you choose to pursue this relationship you will end up just as frustrated and irritated as I was after two and half years. Don't waste the time like I did. Get out now with your pride and self respect intact.
I know my reply is long. This is for two reasons.
- It has been cathartic to write about something that is still quite raw for me. I really hope sharing my situation helps you to walk away from this crappy situation.
- If by any chance my ex's BF ex is on MN and happens to see this post and recognizes herself in my reply, I want her to know that I'm grateful to her for showing me that I was not a priority in my ex's life. I thank her for bringing this to my attention sooner rather than later as I could've wasted many years on this man who, ultimately, will never grow up and take responsibility for himself, never mind for a partner or children. I'm truly indebted to her for services to The Sisterhood!!
OP you may not even read my entire post, but if you do and you've got this far, I wish you nothing but love in your life. Dump this guy and go and find someone who deserves you xxx
P.S. I have a date tomorrow night LOL xxx