[quote wontgetfooledagain123]@JaffaCake70 Thank you so much for your post. It was very helpful to hear about your experience and I certainly detect some of the patterns you noticed in your ex, with him. The regularly asking for advice, using her as emotional support etc. I haven't been with him long so tbh not even sure of the full extent of it, this is just what I have noticed in a few months.
He is very mature in other ways, financially secure, hardworking, tidies/cleans up at mine without asking, lovely manners, looks after mum and her house, which is why this really surprised me. But he admits to being emotionally stunted, lacking in empathy (he's incredibly bright too so I did wonder if he's on the spectrum) - and hence the reason he relies on her to say/do the right thing and not cause offence. Which means I'll never know what he says/does because he means it, or is because that's what she said he should do. And I feel I will spend all my time looking after his emotional needs rather than mine! Definitely signs of him not having grown up fully. And mum and friend are enabling this in a way.
It's given me a lot to think about and realising I need to end it, but do feel sad as we shared some lovely times. And was nice having the company after a lockdown alone. Ah well.
Well done you for having the strength to leave! And good luck on your date :)[/quote]
@wontgetfooledagain123 You are very welcome. I am more than happy to try to offer advice in this particular situation, as I know how hurt and irritated I was by the end of my experience.
I also had lovely time for the first 8-9 months of my relationship with this man. He 'love bombed' me, though I had never heard of love bombing before this relationship. He took me on holiday, weekends away in posh hotels, he thought nothing of paying £30 for two glasses of champagne in Selfridges.. thoughtful gifts, proclamations of love, amazing sex.. I fell for it all hook line and sinker, please don't make the same mistake.
As time went on this man withdrew from me in every way imaginable: Sexually, emotionally, physically (in that he wouldn't come to visit me in my city anymore, I always had to go to him). He always said that he loved me and wanted us to be together but his actions didn't match his words. If there's one thing that I've learned from this relationship it's that you should ALWAYS watch a person's actions. Talk is cheap, it's easy to say the right things, it's easy to talk the talk, it takes a lot more effort to walk the walk.
I started to feel so sad every time I visited him. One night we were sat watching tv and I started quietly crying (because of an issue with one of my Sons which he knew about). He knew I was crying as I kept wiping my eyes and was sniffling (as you do when you cry) he completely ignored me, and I mean completely! He did absolutely nothing to comfort me, he didn't ask what was wrong, why I was crying. He didn't offer a hug, or any other kind of comfort, he just ignored me and carried on watching the tv.. I was heartbroken.
I realised that this man didn't care about me at all, but that he did care about the BF ex. When it was the anniversary of her Mother's death, he sent her a msg saying that he was thinking of her and that her Mother would have been proud of her. She than rang him in tears, he consoled her and then rang me to tell me all about it....
A few weeks later it was the anniversary of my Dad's death, when I told him what day it was he again ignored me. I then turned to him and said 'I think my Dad would've been proud of me'. He turned to me and said in a mocking voice 'proud of you? Why?'.
In retrospect I've realised that this was all a part of his nasty, manipulative game. He wanted me to feel insecure about this ex, he made sure that I knew that his most recent ex before me had been threatened by his 'friendship' with the BF ex. I was never threatened in the way of thinking they were sleeping together. I think he saw this woman as a Mother figure, someone he could go to for advice about his relationship with me.
When I was in the process of ending things I told my Brother about a few of this man's behaviours, some of the inappropriate things he would say to me about other women, I mean really crude stuff that a decent man just wouldn't say to his partner. My Brother suggested that this man could be on the spectrum, I mention this because you've mentioned the same thing in your reply to me. My Brother said that his inappropriate behaviour coupled with his inability to communicate or offer emotional support, points to it being a possibility.
Anyway, spectrum or not, this man was making me feel terribly unhappy. The relationship was definitely not giving me the things that I needed. I'm much happier now that I'm out of that situation. I've dusted myself off and I've kept myself busy with other things. I'll not pretend that my confidence hasn't taken a battering, it has. Rejection will do that to a person. I'm now devoted to working on building my confidence again. I, like you, am worth so much more than this crappy behaviour.
I really hope you walk away from this OP, I know it's hard but ultimately you will be saving yourself a hell of a lot of heartbreak and wasted time.
Sending big hugs to you, keep us posted as to how you get on xxx