He comments on other women, I don’t ever feel enough for him

[Bloom507]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for just over a year. I’m so happy most of the time, we get on really well, have similar interests and we are attracted to each other. I do have a problem with the way he speaks about other women. He will comment on what he likes women to wear and how he likes them to look. He will see a woman on tv, or I’ll talk about a friend and he’ll be all ‘oh but she’s gorgeous!’. We have sex probably once every three weeks - something that I’m not happy about. He’s stressed with his job so I keep this to myself, I don’t want him to feel like I have a problem with it. But it is a big deal to me. This combined with his comments about other women and how he likes women to look, I feel like I’m just never good enough? I am fine about him finding other women attractive, that’s totally normal. But how do I approach not feeling good enough with him?

@Bloom507

Everyone is sort of saying things that my boyfriend doesn’t say... he comments on how glamorous an older woman looks. Or how pretty someone’s face is. He isn’t ever the man that says ‘phwoar look at her arse!’. He’s just not like that! He’s got taste, the things he says are really respectful. I just clearly don’t like them unless they’re about me. I’m the messed up one!

He shouldn't be commenting on the prettiness of other women to you. That is talk for him to have with his male friends. It may not be as severe as some of the things that my ex said to me, but it is still button pushing behaviour, he is doing it to make you feel insecure, trust me!

Also, he only has sex with you once every three weeks? You are a young couple who are still in the honeymoon period, he should be wanting it at least once or twice per week, if not more.

You say that the things he says are 'really respectful', they are not, because he shouldn't be saying them to you, his girlfriend. His behaviour is inappropriate and you are making excuses for it.

You know in your gut that his behaviour is out of order because you have take the time to come on MN and write a post about it.

You obviously will ignore everyone's advice and will stay with him. Totally pointless even writing your original post as you will carry on putting up with his crappy behaviour until he has sapped every last bit of confidence and self esteem out of you.. I speak from experience unfortunately.

@Bloom507

So I’ve actually just qualified as an architect. I’m very busy with work, I love my work and he seems to support that. But I still wonder if his comments on other girls are his need to have some sort of perfect housewife? I think he loves the idea of a career driven woman but doesn’t actually want one

He thinks women's purpose in life is to look pretty for - and serve - men.

You obviously will ignore everyone's advice and will stay with him. Totally pointless even writing your original post as you will carry on putting up with his crappy behaviour until he has sapped every last bit of confidence and self esteem out of you.. I speak from experience unfortunately.

@JaffaCake70 OP only made the thread earlier this evening. I made a thread once and people said this sort of thing by page 5. Don't give up on OP just yet.

@Bloom507 He shouldn't be commenting on other women's appearances to you, even if he does so in a genteel way.

Well done on finishing your qualification etc. Men can like the idea of an intelligent woman (or her income) and still to an extent see women as sexual objects.

Unfortunately there are even some men who get off on 'breaking' a successful woman.

The point is he’s over invested in what other women wear and what they look like. That suggests that he has a view of women that makes most of us creeped out. Women do not exist to be eye candy for men. You are an intelligent professional woman. You know this. The fact that you feel so much anxiety about not living up to some weird ‘high standards’ you perceive him to have is a huge red flag.

This. Can you understand this point of view OP?

@Bloom507

I like dressing how he wants me to, I like keeping him happy and I think that’s really important in a relationship. I just constantly feel like it’s not good enough for me to just have an off day. Or if he comments on another girl now, instead of me thinking ‘yeah she does have nice hair’ or ‘yeah she is really pretty’, I get all jealous and see it as a reflection on me. I’ve never been like that and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. In my head, if he was all about me then he would want to sleep with me. Him not doing and commenting in the way he does makes me think I’m just not his type

You should like dressing how you want to. You like keeping him happy but what about you ? You need to start valuing yourself here. For a relationship to be a relationship it has to have balance. Is he your master ? No he bloody well isn't (sorry for the swearing) he is your equal and until you stop being subservient to him he will always make you feel second best.

You might read the book, Why Men Love Bitches.

OldWomanSaysThis

I haven't read this book although I've seen it recommended many times on here.

I've always assumed that the general take is that men like women who don't make themselves subservient to men and always take the, "it's up to you/we'll do what you want line" opposed to liking women to be actively unpleasant?

It seems that he’s not making you happy. Is that not important? Stop pandering to him, he’s making you feel insecure on purpose.

This man knows exactly what he is doing OP. He has you trying to please him but its still not enough. Nothing will ever be enough. Sex once every 3 weeks after just a year is ridiculous. You should be all over eachother. Work stress isn't an excuse either. You are incompatible and you will except the inevitable when you are ready.
In the meantime I'm sure you will continue putting up with this rubbish.

This is painful. You have an issue with the things he says or does, but will keep your mouth shut and infact defend him in pretty much every single one of your subsequent posts!

Jesus. He's done a good job on you 👏

He sounds insecure and obv wants to make you feel the same or worse! Saying occasionally that you think someone famous is attractive ,is not a big deal on its own ,however if he says it all the time just say who you fancy and why. He sounds like he is coming up short if he can only manage sex every 3 weeks in a fairly new relationship. I would think about your future with this guy .Do you want to be with him as you get older/have DC or both?

OP, read all your updates back once again.

Do you really believe a healthy relationship is one where you are questioning whether he likes you as you are (career woman) or wants something different (housewife)? Do you not think that someone who loves and respects you will want to check in/be aware/be concerned about whether you are happy or not? And unless you're the world's best actress, you won't be hiding your feelings that well.

The comments have clearly upset you (whatever they are) and he doesn't need to be lusting after women crudely to be disrespectful. The fact you are not comfortable discussing any of this (no one is too busy at work to be told they shouldn't comment on other women's appearances, or need to have more sex) says it all about your dynamic.

Just have the conversation with him, see how he responds and whether he takes your feelings on board. If he doesn't, dump him and find someone who will.

Op do not mould yourself into being who you think your partner wants a 'woman' to be. No matter what you do you will still never be who he wants because what he wants is an object.
You be you, dress for you, value you, work on being who you want to be for you.

Honestly if you really feel like you are not good enough for him then let him go and find this ideal woman object. You will do your self esteem a great favour if you do.

@ Bloom507

It's all about him isn't it ?

''I just don’t like him commenting on other women like that and not giving me the affection in return. He clearly has very high standards that I’m just not meeting''

''He will see a woman on tv, or I’ll talk about a friend and he’ll be all ‘oh but she’s gorgeous!’''

''We have sex probably once every three weeks - something that I’m not happy about''

''He’s stressed with his job''

''I don’t want him to feel like I have a problem with it.''

And the only parts that should really be important to you is ''I feel like I’m just never good enough'' and '' But it is a big deal to me.''

You need to see that you are putting almost all the emphasis on whether or not he is happy/ unhappy/ stressed etc

But you need to see that it's actually your happiness etc that you should be concentrating on !

Bottom line is that he does not matter more than you do !

Have a conversation with him, and be honest about not being happy with

1. The way he talks about other women to you.
2. The lack of sex (in what should be the best time of any relationship).

If he takes it on board and changes his behavior, great !

If not, ( and this is what is probably most likely IMO), then you cut your losses and end the relationship.

Remember, a relationship will never work when one partner isn't interested in the feelings of the other i.e if he's going to try to blame you for his actions, or to try to blame you for not measuring up to some fantasy ideal, then it's not a real relationship and it will only get worse.

@ Bloom507

'' he comments on how glamorous an older woman looks. Or how pretty someone’s face is.''

It doesn't matter how 'tastefully' the comment is put ! It's the fact that he comments AT ALL that matters !

(Actually, it sounds a little camp the way he does say it