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Original poster

He comments on other women, I don’t ever feel enough for him

91 replies

Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 16:14

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for just over a year. I’m so happy most of the time, we get on really well, have similar interests and we are attracted to each other. I do have a problem with the way he speaks about other women. He will comment on what he likes women to wear and how he likes them to look. He will see a woman on tv, or I’ll talk about a friend and he’ll be all ‘oh but she’s gorgeous!’. We have sex probably once every three weeks - something that I’m not happy about. He’s stressed with his job so I keep this to myself, I don’t want him to feel like I have a problem with it. But it is a big deal to me. This combined with his comments about other women and how he likes women to look, I feel like I’m just never good enough? I am fine about him finding other women attractive, that’s totally normal. But how do I approach not feeling good enough with him?

OP posts:
SBTLove · 06/10/2020 19:15

A year in and sex once a month? get rid of him, he’s a waste of space and you’re pandering to him, don’t be so desperate.

GeorginaTheGiant · 06/10/2020 19:16

Raise your standards Op, please. Stop acting like a desperate doormat. I’m also a believer in making an effort for your partner....if they do the same for you. His idea of effort is grinding down your self esteem by making inappropriate comments about other women. Seriously, get out!!

lesleyw1953 · 06/10/2020 19:22

Please tell us you have tried making similar comments about other men!

MattBerrysHair · 06/10/2020 19:23

I like dressing how he wants me to, I like keeping him happy and I think that’s really important in a relationship

This is really not a healthy way to exist in a relationship. All the people I've had healthy relationships with were happy with me dressing myself the way I wanted to look because, after all, that's who they were attracted to in the first place. Me looking like me was enough. Being kind and considerate was what 'me keeping them happy' looked like. Anyone who expected me to change my personal likes and dislikes in order to 'keep them happy' was an arsehole.

Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 19:24

I have and he doesn’t like it

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 19:25

My previous relationship was for 7 years and he didn’t notice anything about me. It got to the point where I could have gone out in a big bird costume and he wouldn’t have even flinched. So maybe I do like him noticing and if I make an effort then he compliments me, is that so bad?

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 06/10/2020 19:26

You need to dump him and work on your self esteem I think, sorry OP.

widespreadpanic · 06/10/2020 19:29

he makes you feel insecure and you’re already unhappy with your sex life, no one has time for that nonsense. I’d move on.

SandyY2K · 06/10/2020 19:33

He just knows what he likes

Yet you'd like a BF who doesn't comment on other women, yet that doesn't matter to him.

Your relationship is not equal.
He doesn't respect you.

I presume if you liked bold lipstick, you'd wear it without him hinting.

I'm not saying I'd go out of my way to wear what my DH doesn't like...but if he said he liked women with bold lipstick or something else...then that isn't me.. if it was I wouldn't need him to tell me...or I'd suggest he wears it himself if he likes it so much.

He's working on you little by little and in time, you won't even recognise yourself.

HotSauceCommittee · 06/10/2020 19:37

I'm with the PP; if he feels free to tell you what he likes, tell him you like men with big dicks and a higher sex drive.
Please stop being so eager to please and looking for external validation.
You are enough. For the right person. He is not the right person as he is insensitive, superficial and lacking in sex drive. HE is the one who is not enough for you.
If any man pulled that shit with me, I'd laugh my tits off and he'd be running away holding his dick in his hands.

Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 19:46

I like wearing it, I say I do and he buys me them because he likes me in them. And if I’m honest, it’s nice to be complimented if I wear it. Win win surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 19:47

Here I am defending him and his actions / comments 😑 Which shows that you’re all right really

OP posts:
SandMason · 06/10/2020 19:55

This thread is really quite upsetting. OP you are so much more than this. Flowers

EarlyMorningRain · 06/10/2020 19:57

I dated a man like this once. I dumped him. Didn't regret it and felt immediately better.

On reflection, he was insecure and wanted to bring me down. It didnt work. I had similar thoughts as you regarding being good enough or him being attracted to me. And then I quickly realised that he was either an idiot for being with someone he wasn't attracted to or doing it on purpose.

Neither of which is very attractive so i ended it before he had chance to damage my self esteem.

AuntMasha · 06/10/2020 20:05

Don’t waste any more of your life with this wankpuffin, OP. You’re worth so much more. Flowers

Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 20:11

I am an extremely insecure person, with family and friends and work. It doesn’t take much for me to feel anxious and insecure

OP posts:
EarlyMorningRain · 06/10/2020 20:15

I am an extremely insecure person, with family and friends and work. It doesn’t take much for me to feel anxious and insecure

I suspect a bit of delving into the behind the scenes of this comment would reveal a lot.

Seriously, this man is behaving like a dick.

It's not compulsory to be in a relationship.

I'd end it and work on your other issues on your own.

Seriously.

AuntMasha · 06/10/2020 20:23

Well, I used to feel like you, OP. There’s no magic way to bring you more confidence, but looking after yourself, putting yourself first, nurturing yourself, choosing good, supportive people as friends, gaining self-knowledge, making time to do something you really enjoy would be a start. Maybe even think about counselling - there are likely valid reasons for your anxiety, insecurity and lack of self confidence, perhaps rooted in your childhood.

The irony is, the more you try to be what you think other people want you to be, the less self-esteem you will have. Flowers

violetrosemummy · 06/10/2020 20:29

He sounds insecure, wanting you to feel jealous and you sound insecure letting him make you feel jealous!

SoulofanAggron · 06/10/2020 20:34

Men can turn us into performing seals for their approval if we let them.

Hell, that's what we're trained to be from children to some extent after all.

IDK if you're into this but I even got into being a submissive. One 'relationship' I had was explicitly BDSM and I had to try and do and colour my hair, make up and clothes exactly as he liked etc.

I thought I had massive anxieties about rejection. I do have some, but my last relationship (not the BDSM one, a 'FWB' one) made me feel far more mental in that respect than I really am.

You are not being satisfied by this relationship. If you end it, it'll give a massive boost to your self-esteem, believe me.

Decide how you want a man to treat you and what you're not happy with, and if they act up, bin them.

JurassicParkaha · 06/10/2020 20:36

This thread makes me very sad, OP. You're in a relationship where your sexual needs aren't being met, you're not comfortable discussing it with him, focus on making him happy by wearing what he likes, and are completely disrespected despite all your efforts.

Have seen your update regarding anxiety and insecurity. Unfortunately, there is no short cut to developing self confidence, and understanding your value. However, you have the choice to leave this relationship and work on those things, and then have a chance at a happy, fulfilling relationship where you're self worth isn't tied up in some man. If you don't, you are setting up for a lifetime of misery, and insecurity, as men can sense these weaknesses and that is who you will attract.

This man is not bothered about your feelings 1 year in - it's only going to get worse. Invest in some hobbies or work projects where you can feel a sense of accomplishment of your own, talk to a counsellor if you can - focus on feeling good about yourself, and not pleasing him.

Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 21:15

So I’ve actually just qualified as an architect. I’m very busy with work, I love my work and he seems to support that. But I still wonder if his comments on other girls are his need to have some sort of perfect housewife? I think he loves the idea of a career driven woman but doesn’t actually want one

OP posts:
JaffaCake70 · 06/10/2020 21:29

I have just ended a two and a half year relationship with a man who did similar things to your boyfriend.

Examples: On one of our first dates he informed me that all of his ex's 'had big tits!'. Don't ask me why I carried on seeing him after that.. I don't have an answer.

When a young woman with a pert bottom walked past us one day he exclaimed "she would be getting it up that!". Again, please don't ask....

We were walking on a beach once, he clocked a young guy who was taking photo's of his GF who was wearing a bikini. I hadn't noticed this, so my ex had to make me aware by saying "did you see that, she was doing all dirty poses, my jaw was on the floor!" I told him that they were just young kids and that he shouldn't be perving at someone so young (he was 49 at the time, this girl was about 17/18).

This was a guy who had a problem with ejaculating due to a surgery that he'd had in his younger years. He didn't have sex with me very much, we had periods where we didn't do it for up to 3 months!

I believe that all of my ex's disrespectful behaviour stemmed from the fact that he had a sexual inadequacy. His crude comments etc were over compensation for him lacking in certain areas. He loved to tell me stories of how much he used to ejaculate in the past, before his operation.. again, insecurity.

I ended my relationship with this man just over a month ago. I'm so much happier now that I don't have to listen to his immature comments and inappropriate behaviour. Ultimately he is the insecure one and I think the same goes for your partner. I think, like one of the PP's said, your partner may have some sort of issue. Maybe he has a low sex drive or some other sexual problem?

I would advise you to dump this man. He will obliterate your self esteem with his comments about other women, you will find yourself forever comparing yourself unfavourably.

Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 21:34

Everyone is sort of saying things that my boyfriend doesn’t say... he comments on how glamorous an older woman looks. Or how pretty someone’s face is. He isn’t ever the man that says ‘phwoar look at her arse!’. He’s just not like that! He’s got taste, the things he says are really respectful. I just clearly don’t like them unless they’re about me. I’m the messed up one!

OP posts:
Marshmallowmom · 06/10/2020 22:08

Op

You give someone the power to build you up , you’re also giving them the power to pull you down .

You entered this relationship with poor self esteem following a relationship where you never felt complimented and never felt seen . Many of us have been there , it’s horrible .
Finally you let someone who saw you ! Who you felt is was attracted to you and even noticed what you wore . This felt like finally being seen
Now he starts to take that attention away and place it on other women and once you open your eyes your going to realise it was all part of his toolkit to control
You were feeding your self esteem off relying on him and he has the power in this dynamic
You need to recognise the reality here of what’s going on . You’re self esteem need some work and he is not the quick fix , in fact he is hurting it more

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