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Original poster

He comments on other women, I don’t ever feel enough for him

91 replies

Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 16:14

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for just over a year. I’m so happy most of the time, we get on really well, have similar interests and we are attracted to each other. I do have a problem with the way he speaks about other women. He will comment on what he likes women to wear and how he likes them to look. He will see a woman on tv, or I’ll talk about a friend and he’ll be all ‘oh but she’s gorgeous!’. We have sex probably once every three weeks - something that I’m not happy about. He’s stressed with his job so I keep this to myself, I don’t want him to feel like I have a problem with it. But it is a big deal to me. This combined with his comments about other women and how he likes women to look, I feel like I’m just never good enough? I am fine about him finding other women attractive, that’s totally normal. But how do I approach not feeling good enough with him?

OP posts:
NancyBotwinBloom · 06/10/2020 17:22

Op in the kindest way, the more I read the more I want to shake you.

He is not making you happy he is knowingly making you feel miserable, insecure and jealous.

What are You getting from this relationship?

A shag once a month? I bet he makes you get on top every time and is selfish in bed.

What do your friends say? Have you told them all of this?

I bet they think he is a prick.

NancyBotwinBloom · 06/10/2020 17:23

What happens when you get older? Is he going to book you in for Botox and breast lifts?

He is one cheeky fucker.

NancyBotwinBloom · 06/10/2020 17:24

Out of interest, what's his mum like?

username501 · 06/10/2020 17:26

OP he sounds like prince and you're lucky to have him. You'd have to dig a hole to lower your bar further.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 06/10/2020 17:29

I bet he calls you "babe" too.

Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 17:38

I think I would be completely secure with him if we slept together. I think the combination of comments on other women and the lack of sexual affection towards me is just pushing it completely out of sync

OP posts:
Qwertywerty3 · 06/10/2020 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

NiceGerbil · 06/10/2020 17:47

What's his mum like?

Why ask that?

Op. Ditch him.

NettySays · 06/10/2020 17:49

I had an ex who felt the need to tell me how hot he found other women, or about his ex that was a model, and what I should be wearing 'as I didn't know how to put an outfit together', or when he thought I was putting on weight (which was a bit rich given his weight, but there you are). With hindsight I realise it was one of his techniques to keep me in my place, insecure about my looks, and to feel that I was never good enough and was 'lucky' to have him- it worked, for years actually, and pretty much destroyed what little self confidence I had in the process. Its interesting that you say you don't want him to feel like you have a problem with it but its a big deal to you. A relationship should be emotionally safe enough that you can talk about things that are bothering you, even if you feel they are a bit silly (I don't think this is silly at all BTW). It suggests you feel you can't assert you needs in the relationship- could it be because rather than building you up your relationship makes you feel like you're not good enough? Yes, of course people are attracted to other people, but that's not what he's doing here. A supportive partner would not feel the need to broadcast these feelings to his partner, and would understand that saying these things is likely to make you feel bad about about yourself. As someone that's come out of the other side of something similar it sounds an awful lot like classic narcissistic triangulation to me. I know after a year of this you won't believe me but you deserve so much better.

Bunnymumy · 06/10/2020 18:01

If he slept with you then youd feel more secure. He doesn't want you to be secure. It's all part if the same manipulation.

NancyBotwinBloom · 06/10/2020 18:20

@interstinggerbil

I'm Just curious to see if his mum is all glam and this is where he gets it from.

Is this what he's been brought up to think is ok? Does his mum do the same with his dad.

BowowMttt · 06/10/2020 18:22

I had an ex like this, turned me into an insecure mess. Never felt good enough, was doing everything I could to keep his attention on me instead of on every other female in the room. Was absolutely awful and I look back on that part of my life with big regrets. I’m now with my DH who has never ever made me feel insecure or not good enough, I’m a completely different person because he builds me up and treats me with respect. I look back at my ex and I could just shake myself for how manipulative he was. I was always good enough, far too good for him! Get rid OP, find someone who appreciates you! How will you feel in 20 years when you’ve aged and he’s gawping at young women. Horrible man!

NiceGerbil · 06/10/2020 18:29

'I'm Just curious to see if his mum is all glam and this is where he gets it from.

Is this what he's been brought up to think is ok? Does his mum do the same with his dad.'

Don't you mean the dad do the same with the mum? Ie act like an arsehole.

Always a woman to blame eh when men are shots!

NancyBotwinBloom · 06/10/2020 18:31

Sorry yes that is what I mean. I haven't explained that very well.

NancyBotwinBloom · 06/10/2020 18:32

I didn't mean always a women to blame I just meant is that why he's like he is.

Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 18:34

I don’t know if that would be an issue because he comments on how attractive older women are? And yes, his mum is very glamorous...

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/10/2020 18:36

It is not normal or usual within a (supposedly) monogamous relationship to comment on other people you find attractive, and expect your partner to be okay with that.

I've only dated non-exclusively over the last decade and I still wouldn't do this! A casual discussion about "which celebrity do you find attractive" (with both of you answering) - fine. Randomly commenting on people on TV or out and about? No. It's just rude.

He's doing it on purpose OP. Ask yourself why that is. Spoiler: it's not to make you feel happy, secure and loved.

I sense you are not yet at the waking up and smiling the coffee stage yet, so try this.

  1. Drop an ad hoc comment about a man on telly, mirroring the language he uses. So going by your op, "Wow, he's gorgeous isn't he!"
  2. In any situation where he's telling you what to wear (I'm assuming this is mainly when you go out?) ask him to wear something that YOU want. Again, mirror his language. So if he'd normally say "I don't like that dress, it makes you look fat" then go with something like "I hate those jeans, you look like a tramp."

His reaction will be enlightening.

jeaux90 · 06/10/2020 18:37

OP you need to put yourself first. The biggest gift we can give ourselves as women are financial independence and being comfortable in our own skin and company.

Please ditch him, he sounds like a dickhead and the fact you need to sleep with him to feel secure says a lot.

We don't need second rate men in our lives.

supoort · 06/10/2020 18:47

I had this with my boyfriend... although we do have sex a lot more often than that, but he would comment on women all the time so I said enough is enough, I find it really disrespectful, so he doesn't do it anymore. I don't make comments about men! Like you said, absolutely normal to find other people attractive but I don't see why it needs to be commented on constantly. My boyfriend often says he wants me to change my hair colour... to blond.. I don't want to, I like my hair the way it is, so I replied "can you dye your hair brown I'd prefer it that way" he's blond and he didn't much like my reply.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/10/2020 18:47

*Smelling the coffee. Although I always smile when there's caffeine in the offing 😂

SandyY2K · 06/10/2020 18:51

He clearly has very high standards that I’m just not meeting

Or rather you have low standards to be putting up with his comments and lack of affection towards you.

Men like him, target women like you. When he goes off and cheats on you, his excuse will be she dresses how I like and you'll be twisting yourself like a pretzel to fit into what his idealistic woman is.

You don't treat a woman you love like this...or even a woman you like.

If any man had tried this nonsense with me, he wouldn’t last a minute.

Unsureofthescore113 · 06/10/2020 18:52

Op look up narcisstic triangulation. My ex was the same and I got out, and am very glad I did.

Original poster
Bloom507 · 06/10/2020 18:59

He never puts me down for what I wear ever. He just tells me what he likes. Like ‘oh I love bold lipsticks!’ And I’ll wear one because he likes it and he will really compliment me. It’s not that he ever puts me down, he really doesn’t. He just knows what he likes

OP posts:
peachypetite · 06/10/2020 19:08

@Bloom507

I think I would be completely secure with him if we slept together. I think the combination of comments on other women and the lack of sexual affection towards me is just pushing it completely out of sync
You are spectacularly missing the point.
RandomMess · 06/10/2020 19:13

Are you happy with sex once every 3 weeks in the "honeymoon" period that is 99% likely to dwindle to far less???

He either isn't keen on sex or doesn't fancy you??