Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Husbands affair

86 replies

lindyloo6 · 06/10/2020 12:19

My husband has recently admitted to an affair about 17 years ago.
I had my suspicions and I believed him (stupidly)
He's now decided he can't live with the guilt any longer so decided to come clean. It's just broken me. I love him with all my heart and know he loves me and is guilt ridden. We've got such a lovely life with fantastic adult children and get on so well.
I'm seeing a counsellor to come to terms with it.
Has anyone else been in this position?
I'm so angry. I can't believe the rage inside me.

OP posts:

PeachesTheFlamingo · 06/10/2020 13:08

I'd want to know what has triggered him to confess after 17 years?

newnameforthis123 · 06/10/2020 13:15

What a selfish prick to tell you now to unburden himself, I would find that as hard to forgive as what he did. Awful. You poor thing

Lurchermom · 06/10/2020 13:19

What made him confess now? I think I'd be more angry about his need to confess (essentially a selfish act this late on...)
Putting that aside, it is possible to get through it, if you choose you want to. My DH (then DP) was unfaithful and confessed after about 3 days (which he spent throwing up, I now know from stress!) It would have been easy to walk away at the time, but we were so good together and I could see how awful he felt and how angry he was at himself. The emotions were very real. So I decided the future we had ahead of us was worth so much more than a night of idiocy. And I was right. We are 8years down the line and very happy and have had 8 wonderful years. There were some tough times and a lot of soul searching but I'm glad I stick by him. Trust isn't an issue between us.

Your situation is very different - it's taken him 17years to confess so you don't have that immediacy of guilt as a visual apology (if that makes sense). But you've had 17years of happiness together to balance that out. That's been a lie though, and I'd be angry that Is had my consent taken away from me - my right to choose what I would do if I'd had the knowledge from the start. You have to remember he hasn't changed though, he is still the man he was yesterday, and the man he has been for the last 17years. Now you have to ask yourself will you ever be able to trust him? What prompted the affair and what ended it? I'd want to know the ins and outs so I could make a decision based on the facts as they've been denied to you all this time.

SecondStageIgnition · 06/10/2020 13:38

What reason does he give for having the affair?

HollowTalk · 06/10/2020 13:41

He's just shovelled all of it onto your shoulders, hasn't he?

Why has he told you now?

How long did the affair go on for? Did you know the woman?

Sexnotgender · 06/10/2020 13:44

How selfish of him!

Would you rather not have known?

Lozzerbmc · 06/10/2020 13:44

I think telling you now, after all these years is almost as bad as the affair itself. He is telling you to help himself feel better and this put it onto you. What care is there for you? I think thats utterly selfish of him frankly. Must be awful for you. Sending you strength.

Bettina500 · 06/10/2020 13:46

I would personally be suspicious of this suddenly confession. Was a skeleton about to fall out the cupboard I wonder.
I hope the counselling helps you and you can find a way to move forward whatever that may be

Faith50 · 06/10/2020 13:51

I am so sorry. The pain really is unbearable, you cannot fast forward, you must go through it.

17 years is such a long time to keep a secret of an affair. Why did your dh choose to tell you now? Was it going to be exposed?

I have been where you are. I was first told it was a kiss over several meet ups which destroyed me to the core. For a year afterwards I continued to probe as I just knew there was more, I felt it. My dh looked me in the eye and insisted he had never been sexually intimate with anyone else. Fast forward a year and he confessed to a ONS that occurred 10 years ago. At first I tried to come to terms with it but struggled every hour of every day. I felt blindsided and pathetic. I was traumatised and went on anti depressants as well as consumed a lot of alcohol. I desperately wanted 'us' to work, to understand why he did it.

Now, I do not care. We have separated, I have met someone else and am enjoying each day. The pain and knot in my stomach have gone. I am no longer exhausted from trying to make it work. It consumed my life for over a year. I lost myself, did not know who I was, who anybody else was, how I would survive. I would have coped better if dh had died and I was left to mourn him.

AskMeOnce · 06/10/2020 14:16

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Why has he unburdened this onto you now?

Please know that the NEVER fully disclose what they have done, they always minimise until backed into a corner.

Even the most honest, guilt ridden, 'decent' cheater will LIE LIE LIE until he is well and truly caught out.

I'd be very suspicious about why he's telling you and what he isn't telling you.

Agree with the PP who said you can never go back, you can only move on by wading through this awful pain. He's a fucking dickhead.

HRH18 · 06/10/2020 14:38

I think you could move on from this. It is possible if you want to.

yetmorecrap · 06/10/2020 14:39

I found out around 11 years afterwards by chance. It’s truly awful OP, you sit there thinking all those years they have known this in their heads and carried on totally as normal. We didn’t split but I’ve never felt 100% the same if I am honest, it was like someone snuffed a candle out .

Original poster

lindyloo6 · 06/10/2020 15:18

Apparently he couldn't live with himself anymore so decided to come clean. He originally said she was just a friend and they had hugged and kissed. Now he tells me it went on for 6 months and sex a handful of times. Not protected sex either. Every photo of us together and all the lovely times together he knew what he'd done. He felt he didn't have enough 'me' time when the children were younger and fancied her. She made herself available for him. I feel our marriage is a lie. Some days I want to work through it and others I despise him.

OP posts:

Original poster

lindyloo6 · 06/10/2020 15:20

It was a work colleague and I don't know her.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 06/10/2020 15:20

@lindyloo6

So because he feels so bad, he dished it on to your shoulders so now you feel even worse, and what of him OP .. Is he OK now ??

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2020 15:22

I'd be wondering what else he's done, because there's more coming, I assure you. He just can't handle the guilt anymore after 17 years? Sure. There's more.

Dery · 06/10/2020 15:30

"He felt he didn't have enough 'me' time when the children were younger and fancied her. She made herself available for him. I feel our marriage is a lie. Some days I want to work through it and others I despise him."

And did you have enough me time? I'm guessing not. So who did you sleep with? I didn't have enough me time, either. But I didn't realise that meant I could shag someone other than my husband. Don't think he realised it was a free pass for him either.

Your H does realise - doesn't he - that "not having enough 'me' time" is a definition of being a parent? How utterly pathetic of him. In your shoes, I would be mad as hell. And yes - I'm sure there's more. It doesn't make sense to dump this on you after 17 years - there's more to come.

Dery · 06/10/2020 15:31

What have you done with this information since he dumped it on you? Have you asked him to move out for a while? Is he experiencing any consequences?

Bin85 · 06/10/2020 15:33

Could there be a child about to become 18?

slidingdrawers · 06/10/2020 15:33

Agree that there is more to this and I
suspect he is priming you for further disclosures.

billy1966 · 06/10/2020 15:38

I agree, were there consequences to the affair....
Hard to believe he has struggled for 17 years ........and now wants to bring a load of grief his way...
So sorry OP.....what a twat...him moving out might give you some much needed space.

HollowTalk · 06/10/2020 15:38

From what I've learned, virtually all men have to have this sort of information ripped out of them - they don't give it willingly. I'd be very suspicious that more bad news might be heading your way, I'm afraid.

Eviebeans · 06/10/2020 15:42

Agree with Bin85...

ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 06/10/2020 15:43

What a horrible situation. After all this time.. why come clean now?

weathervane1 · 06/10/2020 15:44

Ah, he's moved the guilt monkey from his shoulders - and appeared fair and open - and given it to you. Selfish wanker!! The only way forward to to continue the openness and tell your adult children and let everyone dip their toes into the shallow pond of his infidelity. I really do wonder what caused him to admit to it now? And what did he hope to achieve? Did he think you'd have a bit of a a laugh in hindsight?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.