Husbands affair

[lindyloo6]

My husband has recently admitted to an affair about 17 years ago.
I had my suspicions and I believed him (stupidly)
He's now decided he can't live with the guilt any longer so decided to come clean. It's just broken me. I love him with all my heart and know he loves me and is guilt ridden. We've got such a lovely life with fantastic adult children and get on so well.
I'm seeing a counsellor to come to terms with it.
Has anyone else been in this position?
I'm so angry. I can't believe the rage inside me.

[Whatabambam]

I agree that there is more to come I'm afraid. He perhaps knows that the lie was about to be revealed. I don't think that he has said this now without a reason. Perhaps his head has been turned again and by telling you about the affair, he is trying to make it difficult for himself to stay again. What an utter twat

[justanotherneighinparadise]

I wonder if you could reframe those memories OP. Instead of looking back and feeling deceived and angry, could you think about what might have happened if he’d confessed and how you would have felt at that time. Would it have led to your breakup and some of those great times would never have happened. How would your children have been affected if you had split fit example?

[SandyY2K]

There was another thread where the OP (female) was pondering about an affair she had 7 years ago. Nothing prompted her, except guilt.

Perhaps this is the same..but he should have taken it to his grave after this long IMO.

[lindyloo6]

I asked him if there's a possibility of a child but doesn't think so. I can't believe he's told me now, I feel as bad or worse than I did at the time.
I can't work at the moment as I keep crying. I've been on ADs since that time. It was so horrible trying to keep everything together with dc, work and home. Now I feel I'm back there again, a constant knot in my stomach. I just wish I didn't know.
Our children know and are horrified, but obviously have their own lives to get on with.
Mumsnet you are wonderful. Thank you so much for all your replies x

[lindyloo6]

I'm sure we could have worked it through at the time. I'm wondering what else he's lied about. He looked me in the eyes at the time and denied everything. In hindsight it was blatantly obvious.

[YellowHighlighterPen]

Either there's a child ( he 'doesn't think so - that's not a no) or he wants to be off and is looking for you to throw him out or divorce him.

[Fortunategirl]

There’s more to this. Has he got a teenager looking him up? Why now? This is very fishy. How awful that you’re married to a disgusting liar and wasted all those years :( feel so sorry for you. What a pig.

[Fortunategirl]

Is he trying to get you to do the dirty work of ending the marriage?

[YellowHighlighterPen]

The only thing you can be sure of is that you're married to an extremely convincing liar. Do you want to be believing anything else he says?
Don't forget that he was willing to put your health at risk as well.

[LiveFromHome]

He told you after 17 years...

There's a child about to appear on the scene

Or

He's recently contact her via social media or somehow, trying to reignite things, and she has threatened to tell you.

[FantasticButtocks]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, what a dreadful shock. I think the lying to you about it and sticking with the lie for 17 years is worse or at least as bad as the actual affair. I'm sure your feelings will go through different stages of anger, sheer sadness and many more emotions.

But it sounds like you love each other, and maybe once you've had time to absorb these facts, and to think about how you feel, maybe he can help you (by his behaviour towards you, by understanding what he's done to you etc) to recover from the shock. I do hope there's nothing else, and that he's told you in the spirit of wanting to finally respect your relationship by stopping the dishonesty rather than just to unburden himself. 🌺

[slidingdrawers]

The thing is he did not give you the chance back then to see if you could work it out. He took that away from you, presumably to suit his own aims, leaving you with self doubt which very probably contributed to your need for ADs.

"Is he trying to get you to do the dirty work of ending the marriage?"

I suspect this is the case if there is no child on the scene. What a selfish coward your husband is. What do you want to happen OP?

[CoronaIsShit]

So the sex wasn’t protected and it was 17 years ago. Can you look her up on SM to see if she has a 16/17 year old in case there are more disclosures to come?

I don’t think I could get past this. He betrayed you in three ways, firstly by having the affair, then by denying it when you suspected it and having the chance to come clean, lastly and worst of all, by letting you live a lie all these years without the knowledge that he deliberately withheld to make your own decision as to whether you wanted to remain married to a liar and cheat.

Maybe by ditching him, you won’t have a need for ADs?

[PegasusReturns]

I suspect there is a child.

I have a friend who conceived a child as part of an affair. She told her AP and he denied paternity and then dumped her some time later. His family have no idea.

My friend has always maintained that she’s going to “go public” when her child reaches 18. She’s waiting until then as the ex has implied she’s a money grabbing gold digger and so she wants to prove her identifying him is not because she’s after his cash.

[LiveFromHome]

sex a handful of times. Not protected sex either.

I asked him if there's a possibility of a child but doesn't think so

Ah I've just spotted these... Unprotected sex. Not an emphatic "no" when you asked if there is possibly a child.

There's a child who is due to turn 18. He's preparing you now for them turning up.

[celticmissey]

I caught my OH having an affair when I went to look something up on his phone and saw the text messages. He had told the OH a load of lies. Even when I confronted him he never told the entire truth and I only found out a lot about it when she text me and told me a lot more including the rubbish he had told her about how we were sleeping in separate rooms.

I was completely blindsided - never thought for a minute he was that sort of person but he was. He quite easily lied to my face several times about where he was going at that time. I went through many emotions like waves - anger, immense hurt, shock - you name it I felt it.

I did decide to give it another go for the sake of my daughter who cried for a week after I kicked him out but to be honest - I could never trust him again, everytime I looked at him I felt anger because he lied to me, if he was unhappy he never gave me the decency of speaking to me about it. If I'm honest no matter how hard I tried I knew what he was capable of and I was never sure he would not do it again. Just torture for me so I had to finish it for my wellbeing.

I agree with some others though.... there's a reason he's telling you this now... is someone about to come out of the woodwork? has another affair maybe gone wrong? has he met up with her again? trust your gut instincts.... you need some space from him to think.....if you continue it will take a lot of work and you may never get back to where you were before you were told about it because truthfully he really isn't who you thought he was.

Whatever you do make sure you look after yourself and don't be rushed into making any decisions...

[BewilderedDoughnut]

I could probably forgive a drunken kiss or drunken one night stand but a 6 month affair?? HELL NO!! That is calculated and planned deception. He knew exactly what he was doing and didn't spare a thought for you when he was balls deep in her.

He's probably told you because it's about to come out anyway or he has another bombshell to tell you.

Get him gone!!

[BaronessWrongCrowd]

He risked your life by having unprotected sex. It's also fairly likely that he's fathered an OCx

What a selfish man. Please go to Surviving Infidelity . Com forums. Lots of advice there.

Will you stay with him?

He doesn't deserve you

[AlternativePerspective]

There’s a child. I would bet my house on it.

[EatDessertFirst]

I reckon there is a child about to appear. Your DH is a fuckwit and he is trying to soften the blow of said child as well as shift some of the guilt onto you.

I wouldn't be getting involved in that Jeremy Kyle shite.

[combatbarbie]

I agree with the others, there is a child that could possibly come knocking. Have yous moved since the affair, is he searchable online, Facebook etc?

[BewilderedDoughnut]

Agree with PPs. The child he produced by having unprotected sex is about to come knocking on your door.

[Sexnotgender]

Do you know her name? I’d be stalking her social media for evidence of a child.

I’m sorry he’s such a massive shit. A 6 month affair is unforgivable. And the poor diddums wasn’t getting enough attention when you had small children? He needs to grow the fuck up.

[Faith50]

Being lied to when you are already in the depths of despair is absolutely awful. You know there is more as your gut tells you this so you keep pushing and looking. Once you discover more you see how callous and pathetic your spouse truly is. You can never look at them in the same way - it is just not possible. They will claim they minimised to protect you but it was to protect themselves and reduce the damage caused. It is all about them.

There will be more. Nobody confesses to affair of old unless it is likely to be revealed.

[Sexnotgender]

Do you have access to all his bank accounts? Any statements that show a regular monthly payment?