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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaving tomorrow

30 replies

Blossomhill123 · 05/10/2020 22:24

Half of me is thankful but other half feeling anxious and scared .
Please tell me everything will be ok 😢.

OP posts:
ulanbatorismynextstop · 05/10/2020 22:25

You haven't given us much to go on, unless this links to another thread. Did you want him to go?

NoEffingWay · 05/10/2020 22:26

Everything will be okay.

For a while it will feel like the worst thing to have ever happened.

And then, one day, you'll catch yourself laughing or singing along to the radio. And you'll remember what happiness feels like. And you'll know that you are alright without him.

You will be better than you have felt for a while, and you will know it was better to be out of a failing relationship than staying.

MJMG2015 · 05/10/2020 22:28

It WILL be ok. It'll take some time, but just hang in there!! It'll be ok 🌷

HeyBlaby · 05/10/2020 22:28

Same (I wanted him to go!) Sure it'll be hard at first adjusting, but I'd rather be on my own than in a rubbish relationship.

Liveandforget · 05/10/2020 22:31

Of course it will. When mine left I was petrified as had never lived alone, I've proved to myself and to him I can live alone and don't need him.

What are you must worried about? Name your fears and break each down. Jot them down, and next to each, a quick note on how you can tackle each and who/What can help.

I like doing Dr Ranganathan's 5 minute journal in the morning that's like a brain dump and helps to get all your concerns onto paper.

Do you have support from family or friends?

Marie84 · 05/10/2020 22:32

It will take some adjusting to but you WILL be ok. Difficult at the moment but try and surround yourself with family/friends and try and keep busy. I found it was the evenings that were the hardest but in time it will get easier. Take care x

Original poster
Blossomhill123 · 05/10/2020 22:33

Years of abuse . I don’t think I love him . He tried to suffocate me with a pillow because I confronted him about certain things .

OP posts:
Palavah · 05/10/2020 22:38

Is someone with you? Does someone in real life know? Hope you are safe now. Have you spoken to the police, or woman's aid?

movingonup20 · 05/10/2020 22:42

It will be ok! A year ago I was you, a year later I've moved in with my now dp and we are snuggled up watching a movie (it's the ads which means phone time!)

Honeyroar · 05/10/2020 22:45

Sounds like it’s fabulous that he’s going. Your new life starts tomorrow.. But youlll no doubt have wobbles. Make a list of the reasons you want him to go. The bad things he’s done to you. The fear you felt. Read it every time you think you miss him. Surround yourself with good friends and family that you can lean on. Spoil yourself- even in tiny ways. A new duvet cover and lamp to make your bedroom feel different and “yours” (heck even a full decorate and change round of furniture if you want!). Be nice to yourself. You might need to grieve before you can move forward. But stay strong.

Original poster
Blossomhill123 · 05/10/2020 22:49

I should have finished it all years ago .
My poor kids have seen the violence.
He’s very good at making me feel it’s all my fault. I think I’m to blame for everything.

OP posts:
biscuiteer · 05/10/2020 22:56

Oh my god OP did you ever report that? I am so sorry this has happened to you. It was ever your fault. You are going to get your life back and you will be so so much better without this man. You really will.

Are you safe tonight?

biscuiteer · 05/10/2020 22:56

*Never you fault

OntheWaves40 · 05/10/2020 22:58

I’m very worried about your safety tonight. Is there somewhere you and DC can go until he’s gone?

Original poster
Blossomhill123 · 05/10/2020 23:06

He has packed his suitcase .Our children are young adults . They are not in the house .
I will lock my bedroom door tonight and keep my phone by my bed .
I think he knows this is the end .

OP posts:
SuckingDownDarjeeling · 05/10/2020 23:17

Everything will be okay. When he leaves, you'll probably wonder how you'll cope. And feel sad because he walked away and made you feel like you weren't worth fighting for. Then soon you'll start to realise all the little freedoms that you have, all the space. Nobody around to get annoyed with you 'doing things wrong'.

Then most likely when he realises that you're not crying begging for him to come back, he'll start harassing you to give him another chance.
And you'll be amazed at how little you care about him any more. And smile. And tell him to do one. Thanks

caringcarer · 05/10/2020 23:21

You may feel better if you are out of the house when he leaves. First thing I would do is have locks changed. Call a locksmith and pretend you have list your keys. You will feel safe in your home once he has gone and you have locks changed.

At first it may feel strange but quickly you will feel more relaxed.

In future you won't have someone telling you what you can and can't do. You choose.

Make the house look different. New duvet, new mugs, new cushions. Throw any bits he leaves out. His mug etc.

I hope you can make lovely warm and relaxing home for your children. Good luck.

Palavah · 06/10/2020 08:20

You are not to blame. Are you ok just now?

Dery · 06/10/2020 10:17

"I’m very worried about your safety tonight. Is there somewhere you and DC can go until he’s gone?"

This with bells on. You shouldn't be alone in the house with him. Do you have someone who can come and stay? Or is there somewhere you can go (though he may smash up the house if you're not there but that is better than him killing you)?

Don't worry about COVID-19 restrictions - you're in a domestic violence situation so the rules don't apply. If I were you, I would get one or two large relatives or friends to stay with you - possibly best if at least one of them is as he may be less likely to kick off if there is another man there.

Don't just rely on phoning the police if you feel threatened, though of course you should call the police if you can. Most men are more physically powerful than most women. He may feel he has nothing to lose and he could still kill you in the time it takes for the police to reach you. So please either remove yourself or have some other people with you overnight.

You will be so much better without him. But please keep yourself safe until he's gone.

Dery · 06/10/2020 10:22

... if at least one of them is male as he may be less likely to kick off ...

Original poster
Blossomhill123 · 06/10/2020 11:12

He left very early this morning suitcase has gone .
He told me he only held the pillow over my head for two seconds (he always makes everything sound minor) .
It was a lot longer than that . I was panicking and screaming .

OP posts:
AlreadyGone44 · 06/10/2020 11:25

I'm glad he's gone and you're safe for the moment. Even if it had been brief as per his minimisation, what makes him think that behaviour is ever OK? There's only one reason you'd do something like that, to scare and control the other person. None of its OK. Do you have anyone you can talk to? It will be ok. You've survived his abuse, you can do this.

JuanNil · 06/10/2020 12:07

He told me he only held the pillow over my head for two seconds

The reason you felt you had to write that here is probably because you're processing your emotions. Sometimes it's not enough to say you know it was wrong, you need to hear it from others. So I'll add, along with many others I'm sure, that two seconds is two seconds too long. It's like saying 'I only stabbed him once'. He sounds like an absolute idiot. I can only imagine what the real world has in store for him. Don't worry about him now. Even if he tells you he's homeless. There are websites he can visit. He'll always be the victim in his mind.

averythinline · 06/10/2020 12:11

Well done ...you are being very brave....make sure you change your locks.....front and back...

Dashel · 06/10/2020 12:18

This is the start of your new life. Keep the door locked and breathe, maybe do something relaxing to decompress like yoga, meditation, baking a bath or whatever helps you to keep calm.

It’s important to take some time to heal yourself and the kids so plan how you are going to do that as a family.

Then over the next few days start to plan how you are going to manage to separate the finances and start making the house feel like a safe haven for you and the DCs.