Red flags or am I over sensitive?

[Tafelberg]

For context, my last long relationship was with an emotionally abusive man with narcissistic personality disorder - I’ve come a long way since then (it ended over a year ago) but my radar for that kind of behaviour is strong and I’m very wary of anything remotely resembling jealousy/possessiveness/manipulation etc.

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a guy I like. We’re taking it extremely slowly but getting on well and talk a lot in between seeing each other, both on the phone and via WhatsApp. However he’s said a couple of little things that have made my guard go up and I could do with other peoples’ opinions on if there is anything to worry about or I'm just reading too much into insignificant things.

First example, we were having a Whatsapp conversation one evening that had been back and forth for quite a while. At one point, my flatmate came in from her night out and I chatted to her for about ten minutes so didn’t reply to his last message for a bit. He sent one asking if his last message had been a bit much (we’d been talking about something quite personal) and when I said no and explained I’d been chatting to my flatmate, he said “don’t let me stop you from being social then”. I brushed it off and we carried on talking and nothing more was said about it.

The second example was this morning. I was talking about feeling hungover still, having been out with a (female) friend for drinks on Saturday night. He knew I’d been out and who with, but said something like “well that is impressive. Saturday night must have been fun.” He hasn’t read my reply to that yet (sent about an hour ago) but I know he’s working and doesn’t always read/respond immediately so that doesn’t mean anything necessarily. Reading that last example back, it looks so innocuous but something about it just made me think he might be annoyed.

What do you all think? Am I being over sensitive? I really don’t want to get into anything with someone who is going to be jealous or funny about me having time with my friends etc. But at the same time I don’t know how I can find out if that’s the kind of person he is, he’s hardly going to admit to it if I ask him. Any thoughts?

I personally wouldn't find anything about those replies 'off' at all if I'm honest. Always so hard to judge over text though.

I think you are being over sensitive and reading too much into text. Sounds fine to me

Hard to judge over text. You know him and are getting to find out what he's like.

It could be taken either way.

I wouldn't find anything off about his texts. Sounds like an attempt at humour.

Ok that’s reassuring - thanks for your replies. I was really hoping that’d be the response because he has been great otherwise and I’m keen to keep seeing him.

Can’t see any red flags in those answers but it’s so hard to ignore that little voice in your head isn’t it?
OP, I’ve been the same and it’s really hard to get rid of that feeling that you’re being conditioned. Take it one day at a time, try to relax and enjoy getting to know someone new. When you get to the point of openly talking about your past let him know what happened

I don't see anything wrong with those replies actually. I've said similar to people when they've come into work still feeling hungover from Saturday "Must have been a good night" or similar.... it's not meant in any way other than glad you had fun type of way.
The other one doesn't sound bad either "Don't let me stop you from being social".... I'd read that as "feel free to stop chatting to me and chat to your friend instead and we can catch up another time"...

BUT what I would say, is that if you are questioning these seemingly innocuous statements from him perhaps there are other subconscious signals you are picking up on which are suggesting there is something a bit off. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now but if you find yourself being annoyed about things he has said then think about ending it.

Unable to tell whether he meant to be accommodating, funny, sarcastic etc as unfortunately, with texts/ whatsapp etc, you don't get any idea of the 'tone' of what's been typed.

When you know someone well, you can 'assume' how a comment is meant by knowledge of the usual 'tone' of the sender, but when you don't know someone well, it's impossible to tell how they meant something typed to sound.

I'd give it more time, because what he's typed could well be totally innocent. Once you've heard how comments like this come out of his mouth, you'll be able to tell exactly how it is meant.

Hi op.Go with your gut. My 4 year relationship ended 6 months ago prior to that i was in a 21 yr relationship hence i am not young and naive and you would think i would know better lol 😂 i didn't. This is how the narc started with little things like not answering the phone or messages within a certain time or if i went out with friends little sly digs that got worse. All i can say is you've been there once so have i. Just keep your guard up for now but from experience, it got worse op. Hope i'm wrong 😏

It's hard to know as they are over text. I read the last text in two separate ways, 1) jokingly and innocent, 2) sarcastic and a bit passive aggressive.

Because it's over text you can't hear the tone so could be either.

I'd keep seeing him for now and see if there are any other red flags

I think you are picking up on a bit of a vibe from him and it's understandable to be worried. Have you thought about having a video call with him? Maybe you'd pick up more that way. I once rang to someone I was messaging from OLD and his voice sent my blood running cold, I just knew there was something off about him. Proceed with caution.. but good luck

Thanks so much for all your replies and understanding. @Rockinmomma you’re spot on - my ex his his true nature very successfully for a very long time and I’ve definitely questioned myself as to whether there were signs or indications that I should have picked up on much sooner. I think this makes me hyper-vigilant to anything even slightly concerning in potential new partners. @wobblywinelover I have actually met him in person a couple of times and this hasn’t been something I’ve picked up on in person so I’m really hoping it’s just being unable to sense the tone in messages that’s the problem. @iluvgab @gingerbreadfox @updownroundandround thank you - think I will do as you suggest and give it a bit more time to feel what he’s like as a person and see how it goes. @FriesianSparkle I’m sorry you’ve had similar experiences. It’s so hard to let those guards down again - I hope you’re wrong too (in the nicest way!)

*my ex hid his true nature

They seem absolutely fine but you can’t tell the tone over text.

Texts are fine but they could also be passive aggressive. Current boyfriend I know that it would be meant well. Ex I know that such messages would be barbed.

I definitely read them as sulky, irritated, not wanting to you talk to other people etc. That could just be my own experience marring it though. My last two exes were very much like that

Has he ever praised your friends, or asked you if you had fun last night?

Sorry but I get a distinct undertone from them but I probably read into things a lot too. The first one definitely seems huffy that you took your attention elsewhere. I'd be wary and listen to your gut.

They read fine to me OP. Especially the last one, that would be something I'd write to a mate still saying they were hungover 2 mornings later!
However I can totally see if you're subconsciously expecting negativity you could read it with a pissed off/sarcastic voice well...Saturday night must have been fun/sarcasm. I wouldn't read it like that though.
The curse of text! Maybe try to increase the phone calls

Hmm ok this is interesting, a few more people sensing the same tone I thought I might have. It’s so hard to be objective when you’ve had bad experiences before. @Thelnebriati sort of - he asked how the food was when I was talking about my night out and we kind of chatted about the night in general. He hasn’t praised my friends as such but then he hasn’t really had the chance - we’ve only met twice so it’s very early days still.

@Cavagirl yes totally agree re the second one, I was less concerned about that than the first but think because I’d had the first one a while ago it just rang a sort of similar bell. It’s so hard to judge! I agree phone calls are probably the way forward. Hopefully seeing him this weekend at some point so might get a better idea about it all then.

It's interesting isn't it. I'll probably get flamed for this but if a female friend wrote the first one I'd be more inclined to think it's snidey. IME guys generally don't make undertone type sarcastic remarks like that trying to throw shade & make a point, but equally I'm lucky that I've never been in a relationship with a manipulator - only fairly straightforward guys that were all pretty simple in their way! So I get that it totally depends on your perspective & experiences how you would read it.
I'd say enjoy getting to know him slowly and see how it goes

Sounds passive aggressive. Had a bf do the same to me.

It’s an orange flag so I’d just take note of it and see if he continues to make these type of comments.

There is something just a little 'off' about those replies. They would bother me as well. I would keep a close eye on that and firmly push back any attempts to guilt-trip you for not giving him undivided attention.

Definitely no red flags from those messages as they are!

Does he use emojis? I find sometimes it can be harder to interpret the tone that people who don't use emojis are using!