Red flags or am I over sensitive?

[Tafelberg]

For context, my last long relationship was with an emotionally abusive man with narcissistic personality disorder - I’ve come a long way since then (it ended over a year ago) but my radar for that kind of behaviour is strong and I’m very wary of anything remotely resembling jealousy/possessiveness/manipulation etc.

I have recently been on a couple of dates with a guy I like. We’re taking it extremely slowly but getting on well and talk a lot in between seeing each other, both on the phone and via WhatsApp. However he’s said a couple of little things that have made my guard go up and I could do with other peoples’ opinions on if there is anything to worry about or I'm just reading too much into insignificant things.

First example, we were having a Whatsapp conversation one evening that had been back and forth for quite a while. At one point, my flatmate came in from her night out and I chatted to her for about ten minutes so didn’t reply to his last message for a bit. He sent one asking if his last message had been a bit much (we’d been talking about something quite personal) and when I said no and explained I’d been chatting to my flatmate, he said “don’t let me stop you from being social then”. I brushed it off and we carried on talking and nothing more was said about it.

The second example was this morning. I was talking about feeling hungover still, having been out with a (female) friend for drinks on Saturday night. He knew I’d been out and who with, but said something like “well that is impressive. Saturday night must have been fun.” He hasn’t read my reply to that yet (sent about an hour ago) but I know he’s working and doesn’t always read/respond immediately so that doesn’t mean anything necessarily. Reading that last example back, it looks so innocuous but something about it just made me think he might be annoyed.

What do you all think? Am I being over sensitive? I really don’t want to get into anything with someone who is going to be jealous or funny about me having time with my friends etc. But at the same time I don’t know how I can find out if that’s the kind of person he is, he’s hardly going to admit to it if I ask him. Any thoughts?

@Techway @LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella @doodleygirl @Trisolaris - thank you for your replies. They’ve made me feel a lot better. Techway in particular that example you gave has given me chills, I could just imagine that happening and I know I’ve never regretted trusting my gut on similar things before so am just going to wait it out until the brain/emotional reactions subside. It helps that I don’t think he’s going to be coming begging me to reconsider so at least I won’t have that to deal with or causing me any further doubts. As you say, many more fish in the sea. I’m just gutted as he was the first person in a very long time I’d felt a proper connection with and it’s a shame to know my skills at picking questionable partners are still so strong!

it’s a shame to know my skills at picking questionable partners are still so strong!

They pick you! often because you show empathy and kindness. Most abusive men seek out people with status, skills, money, a house etc.. anything that they want or feel entitled to.

If you value yourself and recognise that you CAN attract men then you just need to have a firm filter so the would be manipulators don't get through.

I wish I had my sisters mentality, she dated, ended it and didn't dwell on the men she dumped. She wasn't going to waste any energy on men who were not right for her.
I had angst, guilt and doubt which kept me looking backwards.

@Techway I’m very similar to you I think. Definitely think my boundaries are stronger than they used to be but I don’t think I’ll ever stop having that guilt and angst when I enforce them..as you say it’s just our mentality/personalities. Thank you though, your advice is great and you’re definitely right about abusive men being drawn to certain things - I don’t have the status, money or house but my job is unusual and skilled and having seen the women my ex was with before and after me, I know that’s what it was for him as they all had similar roles. Creepy af.

Good for you. I'd dump for the uninvited sex chat alone. Prick.

Well done OP.

Hope you are doing ok.

After me saying I didn’t think he would, he sent me a long message last night apologising profusely and saying how embarrassed he is for having made me feel this way. He said he thinks some of what he said might have come across wrongly because it was via the medium of Whatsapp so the tone gets lost (as a lot of people on this thread have said too), but admitted that he got ahead of himself and shouldn’t have done. He said he also never meant to place demands on my time or headspace - because I haven’t specified the messages that concerned me, he has taken it that I’m annoyed with him replying too quickly/texting too often. He said he would hate to be thought of as needy or “degenerate” (in terms of the sex chat) and is very sorry for having made me feel that way. He’s asked if there’s any way we could try and rewind/reset a bit or at the very least stay in touch as friends. Feel very torn and unsure how to respond. Part of me wants to explain to him exactly what the issues were, part of me wants to leave it completely, part of me wonders if I’ve jumped too quickly and should give him the benefit of the doubt one more time considering it’s such early days and in person I’ve not had any issues at all

What does he mean by he "got ahead of himself"?

The definition of 'the right person' is 'someone who doesn't make you have lots of internal questions'.

As soon as the inner turmoil starts, end the relationship. Love does not feel like turmoil.

It's not about trying desperately to find the right answer to the inner questions, it's about recognising that the questions themselves are symptoms of trying to bond with someone you're not compatible with.

OP have you done the freedom programme? It’s designed to help women who have been or are in abusive relationships recognise the signs. Might be worth a look.

And there's no such thing as 'too sensitive'. We are all different in terms of sensitivity. Some are very sensitive indeed, but that doesn't make it a fault, or something we need to change. It has wonderful positive sides too - for example, being able to sense when someone is being a bit off. It's a super power.

The right partner will not push your boundaries and then say you're being too sensitive. (ie 'my behaviour is fine, and even though you're upset, you're the one who is at fault.' They might cross your boundaries unwittingly, but then say sorry and endeavour not to do it again, which is called 'respect'.

@hereyehearye re the sex chat - he said he got caught up in the moment a bit and that meant he said things that he shouldn’t have (the chat had been flirty on both sides, but he got a bit more into it than me). He was never offensive or really grossly explicit, just went a bit further than I felt comfortable with, which he knows and has been extremely apologetic for.

@Lumene I haven’t, but considered it a while ago and then forgot about it. I’ve emailed about it this morning though to see if any courses are available that I can join - thank you for the reminder. I’ve also contacted some counsellors which is something else I’ve been meaning to do for a while, think some proper therapy would really help me

@Eckhart thank you too, a lot for me to think about there. I do think his response has been telling, as unlike my ex he has accepted that what he’s said has made me uncomfortable, has been very apologetic and said it’s made him take a look at himself and ask himself some hard questions. It’s too early to say for sure but this is by far a much better response to these concerns than I would’ve ever got from my ex (which would have been denial, minimalising and projection of the issue onto me).

If you decide to give him another chance I'd definitely suggest talking more via phone and less messaging!
Are you sure you're ready for a relationship full stop?

@Cavagirl I totally agree. Messaging is just rife for this kind of stuff. And I’m not sure, no I thought I was but this whole episode has made me doubt it - so I think the counselling could definitely help.

He might be a lovely guy, he might be a twat, either way be selfish and if you're not ready then step away. You don't owe him anything x

Before you reply to him please read the gift of fear by Gavin de becker it saved my life Trust your gut always

At the end of a 22 year marriage to a covert narcissist one morning I woke and he was ranting and raving nothing unusual in that but as I watched him screaming in my face my normal reaction was paralysis but that day it came to me loud and clear he's going to kill you we got out and are alive to tell the tale but only because I'd been reading that book my survival instinct was loud and clear.

It wasn't until afterwards and this still gives me nightmares i realised id been manipulated and groomed to such a degree that I truly wholly brought into lie that I was responsible for his actions. This is why so many abuse victims underestimate the abuse.

This all started somewhere right at the beginning with a boundary push, a conditioning, a lets see how weak the boundaries are, a conditioning to prioritise him over you very effectively done by negging or putting you constantly on the defensive. Have read you may find it enlightening. I wish I read it sooner

His messages seem completely normal. You can take anything out of context and project malevolence onto any innocent message if you want to. From the latest posts, he sounds like a nice guy who's a bit of a sap because he should have run when you projected your own issues onto him.

I don't think you should continue seeing him or any other man. You still have issues from your abusive ex and you should deal with them because you're going to end up the abuser in your next relationship if you're always paranoid and projecting negative intent onto everything a person does or says. That mindset will also attract the very abusive people you're trying to avoid.

Your assumptions say a lot more about you than the people you make assumptions about. You need to get yourself into a positive frame of mind if you want to attract a healthy, positive relationship. That's going to take time and effort.

@freeingNora I’m so sorry to read your story, that sounds horrendous. I’ll definitely see if I can get hold of that book. I’ve been sent a list of online Freedom Programme courses so going to book on one of those too. Thank you for your reply

@ReneeRol I think you’re probably right (although that was pretty hard to read). The last thing I’d ever want is to make someone else feel anywhere near what I felt in my last relationship. I will keep working on it and stay by myself for now. Thanks for the dose of straight-talking, I need it.