He’s always off somewhere

[RussetandGold]

He works in a place 3.5 hours’ drive away, two nights a week. We recently got back from his second home, 12 hours away. The next day he visited his daughter who’s 1.5 hours away.

He has a camper and is ready to jump in it at any given time.

He talked last night about the desire sometimes to just “keep driving”.

He neglects his appearance - will shave on the hoof, sometimes forgets his toothbrush, doesn’t always think about clean clothes.

Is anyone else’s DP like this? We’ve been together nearly 3 years.

...

What’s in it for you?

I do like the excitement some of the time. He’s kind and generous. We run along well on other parts of life. We have the same values about some things. Lots of things are in it for me, otherwise it wouldn’t have lasted this long.

I don’t understand the other post by DoWahDiddy

It’s a question of identifying whether the pros outweigh the cons. It doesn’t matter a joy if anyone else’s partner is like this. Is this how you want your partner to be? He sounds like s restless soul, maybe slightly otherworldly? Does that make you happy? Are you happy to accept he is unlikely to change?

I think the other response was just an image of what your description evoked.

Does he live with you ?

DoWahDiddys response was just showing you how she pictured your boyfriend from your description of him.

What does he do when he forgets his toothbrush and clean clothes? Do you kiss him when his teeth are unbrushed and he's wearing dirty clothes?

My DP isn’t like this (although we’re both pretty spontaneous people) but I do know several people who are - most of them are boat people (love on canal boats) on rougher moorings who seem to really value the freedom and slight anarchy and itinerant lifestyle it allows them. Don’t like being tied down, not very interested in material goods or conforming to society’s standard of looks or appearances. A bit new-agey, I suppose.

They’re nice people but I don’t have anything in common with them really. It’s a different way of living. The same sounds true of your boyfriend. Neither of you is right or wrong, you just have different attitudes and values. It clearly doesn’t make you very happy, and that’s fine, it just sounds like you’re not compatible long term.

@TiggerDatter

It’s a question of identifying whether the pros outweigh the cons. It doesn’t matter a joy if anyone else’s partner is like this. Is this how you want your partner to be? He sounds like s restless soul, maybe slightly otherworldly? Does that make you happy? Are you happy to accept he is unlikely to change?

I think the other response was just an image of what your description evoked.

Yes, true. I've been thinking it through for a few days now, and I do think the pros outweigh the cons. We have survived this far. Had a chat earlier and it raised a few other issues.

Yes, he is a restless soul - that describes him perfectly. In some ways, this is attractive to me. Maybe I am, too, to an extent. It's about working round it, and how we do that. I am drawn to his ability to 'do' things, to take off like this, and to experience life in a way I've only dreamed about, but the reality is that that comes with downsides.

Hmm some food for thought. Thanks.

@VivaMiltonKeynes

Does he live with you ?

No. We live in our own places and stay together. We've been living together (but going away) for about 4 or 5 weeks now, which is a long stretch for us.

The issue arose because he wants us to live together. He wants us to buy a house together. But I'm thinking how can I live with someone who always wants to be off? How can I set up a home and a base with someone who takes off all the time? I don't want to be the DW left behind at home!

@StephenBelafonte

DoWahDiddys response was just showing you how she pictured your boyfriend from your description of him.

What does he do when he forgets his toothbrush and clean clothes? Do you kiss him when his teeth are unbrushed and he's wearing dirty clothes?

Oh I see. No, he doesn't look like that!

When he forgets his toothbrush, I remind him to buy a new one (which he is happy to). He does now get embarrassed about it. It's happening less frequently, which is a relief. When his clothes aren't clean, I encourage him to use my washing machine, if at mine, or if we are at his, I lead him to the machine. I sometimes do my washing and just take his clothes and shove them in, and then present them to him clean. One of us has to take the initiative. He's grateful when I do this.

I now tell him. No tooth cleaning = no kisses. And I point out to him if we are meeting friends, that he's wearing the same trousers he wore to clean out his gutters (or whatever). He really has little idea of self-care. It's been better since we've been together, mostly because I pull him up on it.

@DoWahDiddy

Catweazle! that properly made me laugh out loud. Thanks I needed that x

@ComtesseDeSpair

My DP isn’t like this (although we’re both pretty spontaneous people) but I do know several people who are - most of them are boat people (love on canal boats) on rougher moorings who seem to really value the freedom and slight anarchy and itinerant lifestyle it allows them. Don’t like being tied down, not very interested in material goods or conforming to society’s standard of looks or appearances. A bit new-agey, I suppose.

They’re nice people but I don’t have anything in common with them really. It’s a different way of living. The same sounds true of your boyfriend. Neither of you is right or wrong, you just have different attitudes and values. It clearly doesn’t make you very happy, and that’s fine, it just sounds like you’re not compatible long term.

Comtesse - yes! You've got him down to a tee.

It's weird because in terms of our relationship, he tells me he wants a future together, he wants us to grow old together, he wants us to travel together, he includes me in his plans. He does everything which suggests he wants to be tied to me. But the rest of the stuff - in terms of work, and travel, and his family, it's like he values the freedom.

I think we have this in common, but the way I internalise it is different. Yes, that's what is making me question it. I think I like having a base more than he does.

We've had a good chat about it. It's still unresolved but at least the issues have been aired.

How old are you. Do you want to have children? He doesn't sound like a good bet to have kids with or for any kind of conventional life style but if you don't want them or are older and don't want commitment and it works for you then why not?
Do you currently own a house and would you have to give that up to buy a place together?

It sounds like you parent him. I bet he wants to move in together! So you can parent him even more!

@Stripyhoglets1

How old are you. Do you want to have children? He doesn't sound like a good bet to have kids with or for any kind of conventional life style but if you don't want them or are older and don't want commitment and it works for you then why not? Do you currently own a house and would you have to give that up to buy a place together?

I'm late 40s, he's late 50s. We both already have children and don't want any more. Yes, in many ways I often think it's great I don't want kids with him as (although he's a very good dad) I don't think I could co-parent with someone like this. It does work for both of us at the moment.

Yes I own a house and we've talked about whether I would rent it out to buy a place together, or whether I should sell up. I don't think I can commit to either plan right now.

@nevernotstruggling

It sounds like you parent him. I bet he wants to move in together! So you can parent him even more!

We don't have our parents, so to some extent, I think you're right, I do parent him, and equally, he parents me. I don't think there's anything wrong with that unless either party is unhappy.

I parented my exh a hell of a lot more! I don't have to wash DP's shirts, I don't cook him dinners, I don't find any of his stuff, I don't prepare him for things, I'm not his social secretary. I was all those things in my marriage.

I guess in a sense it helps me to keep things separate, then I can keep thinking "it's not my problem" if things go wrong. Plus it affords me a sort of financial freedom.

But the problem is the cost of that, which is this itinerant stuff.

I'm a bit like your DP OP. However I don't have conventional relationships and neither would i want to live with anyone. My freedom is paramount. I.e. Throw rucksack in car and just go.
If he has the wanderlust he isn't going to stop wandering.
It's nice to have someone to travel with but not absolutely necessary. Do you think he see's you as a convenience?
Someone to bring the dirty laundry home to?
Travel companion when required?

Thanks, Noego. It is really tough. What's interesting, is the faith he has had in relationships surviving - he really is an optimist!

I don't think he sees me as a convenience, but it's helpful for him that my job and life is fairly flexible, and I can join him. He doesn't treat me like someone to bring his laundry home to, because in his eyes, laundry isn't something that is necessary to live your life around. He just slings stuff in the back of his car and moves on. He does say that he loves having me as a companion, but I don't think it's limited to the travel.

It's so hard! The excitement is great, possibilities are fun, and part of me is like this, too. But it's exhausting, and on the times I can't join him, i get lonely and confused. It's like we are together together together a LOT and then suddenly really apart. In those times, I see my friends or try to concentrate on my own projects, but I question whether it can work in the longer term.

Very tough. Hard day today. We;ve talked about it on and off and he's really upset with any suggestion that it might end.

My exH was like this, at first it was fun but as I got to my 50's I just couldn't stand it anymore, I just wanted to enjoy just one weekend in my own home and he would not compromise so we are divorced.
His obsession with going away every weekend ate into all the savings and he never contributed to the private pension.
I didn't want to live like that any more.
I like weekends away but not every single weekend at the expense of everything else.

Thanks @madcatladyforever. I've been wondering all along, how much longer I can put up with it. I have learnt so much about myself: mainly about how patient I can be. I was a bit pissed off over the weekend - some friends asked us to join them for drinks and I knew they would be all dressed up, but because we were coming from yet another travelling expedition, I had to turn up in my scruffy clothes. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. That was hard work.

I don't know. Surely he won't be able to continue like this as he gets older. OTOH his life plans suggest more travelling and not less. I get time in my house when he is working away, but it just gets lonely and it's tough that he and I can't share a conventional partnership.

Luckily, I don't pay for much of it at all. Same as yours, his obsession with being away must cost him a fortune - meals out, hotels (unless the camper features ), entertainment... at least it's his money and not mine... but it does mean we can't ever join our finances. I just don't trust him to share a house with, even though he would love it for us to buy a property together. All I can think is that he would be off whenever it suited him, and i'd be left behind juggling house shit.

Wah. I feel like I am complaining too much about it. It was hard to talk about it with him this morning and he's off again later

"I just don't trust him to share a house with, even though he would love it for us to buy a property together. All I can think is that he would be off whenever it suited him, and i'd be left behind juggling house shit."

I think that's your answer then. Your partner sounds great fun and there are real attractions to the itinerant lifestyle but him choosing to live that way also has consequences. Those consequences are reflected in your very understandable concerns about how things would end up if you joined households and finances. Your concerns are almost certainly right: either you would end up resenting him or - if he toned his lifestyle down significantly - he may well end up resenting you. It doesn't mean you can't be together, but it does mean that you may need to keep separate finances and households.

Depends what you want for the future. Depends what he wants Obviously you don't want to be left at home while he is off on a five week jaunt somewhere. Would you be planning to have children. In which case his wanderlust will be even more of a problem I'd think.

@Dery

"I just don't trust him to share a house with, even though he would love it for us to buy a property together. All I can think is that he would be off whenever it suited him, and i'd be left behind juggling house shit."

I think that's your answer then. Your partner sounds great fun and there are real attractions to the itinerant lifestyle but him choosing to live that way also has consequences. Those consequences are reflected in your very understandable concerns about how things would end up if you joined households and finances. Your concerns are almost certainly right: either you would end up resenting him or - if he toned his lifestyle down significantly - he may well end up resenting you. It doesn't mean you can't be together, but it does mean that you may need to keep separate finances and households.

Thank you, @Dery. I kind of already know the answer, but it doesn't do much harm to keep checking in from time to time.

I love him very much. I believe he loves me (he told me just 5 minutes ago as we sit and work in his camper van "I love how we could be anywhere, too! Paris, Vienna... isn't it amazing?") but yes, there are consequences to choosing to live like this.

Thank you for articulating it like that. I get confused, because when we are together in my house, it feels like we have fun and like we could live together. But the bigger picture is that I would resent having a mortgage with him. He's chaotic, and at the moment if things go wrong, I can think 'it's not my problem'. His mess is his mess, and I can keep my stuff separate. But it's exhausting.

Yeah. You're right. We can be together, but we will need to keep separate finances and households.

@Viviennemary

Depends what you want for the future. Depends what he wants Obviously you don't want to be left at home while he is off on a five week jaunt somewhere. Would you be planning to have children. In which case his wanderlust will be even more of a problem I'd think.

It has been hard @Viviennemary. We are not planning to have children together, no. He already had a couple of times where his projects took him away for about 5 weeks, yes. I couldn't do anything about it then. If we were married (also something we discussed), I would be the wifey stuck at home during these bouts. His answer has been that he wouldn't do that if we were married. To give him credit, he DOES usually include me in his plans. But it is exhausting. One place to the next, on the camper, in hotels. It's pleasant at the start but long bouts of it are tough.

I really like the sound of your relationship . Sounds ideal for being older with your own kids already