He’s always off somewhere

[RussetandGold]

He works in a place 3.5 hours’ drive away, two nights a week. We recently got back from his second home, 12 hours away. The next day he visited his daughter who’s 1.5 hours away.

He has a camper and is ready to jump in it at any given time.

He talked last night about the desire sometimes to just “keep driving”.

He neglects his appearance - will shave on the hoof, sometimes forgets his toothbrush, doesn’t always think about clean clothes.

Is anyone else’s DP like this? We’ve been together nearly 3 years.

Thank you so much, @Shortfeet! That's sweet!
Some of my friends have said the same.

I would love that kind of lifestyle.
I am a restless soul too so I know where he is coming from.
I would love to just take off in a camper van and not come back but current commitments and having to earn a living mean it's not possible.
I don't forget my toothbrush and dress appropriately for whatever occasion it is.
I think maybe you should keep things as they are for now - you both have your separate bases and you go travelling with him occasionally. He goes more often.
However, he needs to make sure he keeps up appropriate standards of hygiene and that both you and he have time to shower and dress for going out places.
You need to understand his need to be on the move and that this is never going to go away. So don't expect him to settle down in 5 or 10 years and stop his adventures. If he's got to late 50s and he's still living like this, there is no way he is going to change. Also, allow him the freedom to go away without you (not saying you wouldn't, but some women might start to apply pressure to him to get him to be around his home "base" more often).

What exactly is exhausting about the situation?
You've used the word a lot. Is it when you travel too or when you are left alone.

It makes your life sound very hard work. Not sure I'd be up for that going forward and getting older.

Cheers, @iluvgab Quite a few of my friends have said that they would love it, too. On the whole, I enjoy it - maybe that's why it's lasted so long. It's great to take off, we've both got ourselves in a privileged position of being able to work (me definitely, him 85% of the time) from anywhere.

I don't want to go travelling with him occasionally. nor do I think "He goes more often" is fair. I think we have to just discuss each case as it comes up. There will be times when I will have to go without him, too - interestingly, he has tried to come with me each time this happens.

Whilst I understand his need to be on the move, our relationship needs to be fair. I can go with him much of the time, but it is exhausting, and some of his friends have expressed concern at his low levels of self-care. As I explained earlier, there have also been many social events which have been difficult to attend for me, because they've been dressy, and we've turned up "looking like you've come from Glastonbury". That was embarrassing.

I get mixed messages from him. He wants to settle but it's hard to see how he can. He wants to live with me, but I can't see how I can buy into a property that I might have to live in alone. We've got some great adventures ahead, but I am questioning how much more than him I might want more of a base.

There is a fine line between "allowing him the freedom to go away with me" and treating me with respect. I'm not saying he cant go away without me, my thread is about the amount of travelling and upping sticks. On the whole, he includes me (typing this as we sit in his camper and he just sighed fondly and said "I love being with you like this. I love you" )

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster

What exactly is exhausting about the situation? You've used the word a lot. Is it when you travel too or when you are left alone.

It makes your life sound very hard work. Not sure I'd be up for that going forward and getting older.

What's exhausting? Good question... I just typed up the past few weeks' movements to give you an idea, but I think that would be outing. There is a LOT of driving involved, and living out of a case. His chaos is also exhausting. His life-stuff is in the back of his car. His camper is a mess. Etc.

When I am alone... sometimes I like the respite, but I hate not having him in the background a bit. We really enjoy each other's company.

OP I haven't had a relationship like this, but I have had one where we were living between our two houses for a few years.

We started out just dating and agreeing that we would never live together, how wonderful and freeing it would be to have our own space, etc. We used to pat ourselves on the back for how modern and independent we both were.

Anyway.
I lived out of a suitcase for 2-3 years. (Due to the nature of where our offices were situated in relation to our homes etc., he didn't need to.)
It became exhausting and, eventually upsetting. I never felt settled. I think he was happy with it, but over time, no matter how many times I told myself how I should be grateful for the positives - I wanted a domestic life and to put down some roots with my partner. (We live together now, I thought he would find it hard to adjust but he loves it. Often says he thought it would be hard, and it wasn't.)

I don't think you're wrong to feel a bit worried/sad/negative about his lifestyle. It does impact you.

You can love him and also decide you don't want to do this anymore x

Thank you, WellQualified your post has given me hope and a different sort of insight.

A sort of secondary problem has been this issue of whether we live together. We had a long and tearful discussion today. He has always said he wants us to have a base together. I think I would like that, too, but I am fearful. It's scary to share a home with someone like this, always upping and going onto the next journey. I can trust that I am included in most of his plans, which gives me some security, but my worry is falling into those traditional home roles...

I'm glad someone else knows how exhausting it is to live out of a suitcase. Yes, yes, I never feel settled. I can't even settle in my own home, because I don't know when I will be in it, or for how long. I can only half plan, and those domestics don't get done properly.

I'm intrigued and interested in that you made it work. It's great that he loves it.

I am going round and round in circles in my thoughts. In some ways, it's good he's had to go off to work tonight for a few days. Gives me some breathing and thinking space.

My thought processes have been -- I can't live with him. He's too chaotic. If I can't live with him, what is the point of this relationship? Can I grow to trust his chaos? How would I know? And what am I investing in?

Maybe I'm overthinking it. He wants a future, he wants us to be together, but there are a few obstacles to that. Can I accept those?

Thinking out loud...

My thought processes have been -- I can't live with him. He's too chaotic. If I can't live with him, what is the point of this relationship? Can I grow to trust his chaos? How would I know? And what am I investing in?

You know deep down you can't live with him. Don't ignore these thoughts. You say you don't want to be living in a property you buy together and worry about falling into traditional home roles.
I think you should take all talk of a shared property off the table for now. It's not an option at the moment.

I can go with him much of the time, but it is exhausting, and some of his friends have expressed concern at his low levels of self-care.
This needs to be dealt with before there can be any talk of buying a property together. I lived with someone for 5 years who needed "support" to make sure he was showering, wearing clean clothes, dressed appropriately for different kinds of events etc. It was exhausting and I got thoroughly fed up with it. And he was also chaotic around the home so living together was a nightmare.

@iluvgab

My thought processes have been -- I can't live with him. He's too chaotic. If I can't live with him, what is the point of this relationship? Can I grow to trust his chaos? How would I know? And what am I investing in?

You know deep down you can't live with him. Don't ignore these thoughts. You say you don't want to be living in a property you buy together and worry about falling into traditional home roles.
I think you should take all talk of a shared property off the table for now. It's not an option at the moment.

I can go with him much of the time, but it is exhausting, and some of his friends have expressed concern at his low levels of self-care.
This needs to be dealt with before there can be any talk of buying a property together. I lived with someone for 5 years who needed "support" to make sure he was showering, wearing clean clothes, dressed appropriately for different kinds of events etc. It was exhausting and I got thoroughly fed up with it. And he was also chaotic around the home so living together was a nightmare.

Thanks, @iluvgab

I'm so unsure. We "work" so well together. In each other's company and getting on with our respective jobs, we let each other get on with it, and there is lovely companionship. In his house, he likes it that we can cook together, enjoys the stability of being able to put things on the walls/on shelves, will do the cleaning and clearing. But I'm worried about joining my finances with his, and making a home together, only for him to abandon it.

Yes, maybe best to abandon talk of shared property. It is off limits anyway for now, for other reasons. But in the longer term, it was a consideration. I think I have to see how this develops.

Your example sounds like my partner. He does shower, it's more about the appropriate clothing. Even last night, he went in the same trousers he has been wearing for the past few days (inc. to clean his gutters, mend his camper, and out with friends). I didn't think to point this out to him - then again, I take the view that why should I? He can sort some of this stuff out for himself. I can't take the responsibility all the time. Yes, he is similarly chaotic around the home, despite the above. I suppose I've explained that he can clean and organise, in order to remind myself that he is capable of it. It's easy to forget, given how often he's on the road.

Prefer someone like him to someone who over dresses, thinks they are amazing and gorgeous and cheats. He sounds loyal sweet and amazing don’t realise how lucky you are op. Hygiene get your point but that can change

Thank you, Ahsan. I think you are also right. He is a lovely and loyal person, very friendly and generous, and sweet. Just the rest is hard work. We had a good talk yesterday, sometimes his behaviours make me worry about whether I can trust him not to leave me (I have trust issues anyway). I think deep down he is ok, which is why I want to give this relationship a proper go.

OP,
He sounds like a nice man but an absolute nightmare to share anything concrete with.

If you are irritated now can you just imagine what sharing a home and finances with.
For goodness sake don't consider it.
His mess everywhere.
You left to sort out the practicalities of a house/finances.
Why would you expose yourself to that.
He'd love it..I bet he would.😏

Constantly travelling, unpacking and moving around IS exhausting.

Sounds exciting and it is at a certain age but it definitely can be exhausting.

Whatever you decide...keep your home and finances COMPLETELY separate.🙏

I don't want kids with him

Given your age, this really isn't an issue is it?

He sounds like a freespirit...wherever I lay my hat, that's my home type of person.

Like if the mood strikes...he'll say I'm off to Xxxx..you coming along. Of on a road trip driving miles and miles.

@billy1966

OP, He sounds like a nice man but an absolute nightmare to share anything concrete with.

If you are irritated now can you just imagine what sharing a home and finances with.
For goodness sake don't consider it.
His mess everywhere.
You left to sort out the practicalities of a house/finances.
Why would you expose yourself to that.
He'd love it..I bet he would.😏

Constantly travelling, unpacking and moving around IS exhausting.

Sounds exciting and it is at a certain age but it definitely can be exhausting.

Whatever you decide...keep your home and finances COMPLETELY separate.🙏

Thanks, Billy yes, I wonder if he might be a nightmare to share anything big with...

Thinking it through, it's probably not a good idea. We talked yesterday about how we can best support each other for now - for instance, my working flexibly helps him hugely, and we've paid for the other in times when cash has been in shorter supply. I'd say that I've done 'better' out of the financial arrangements in some ways, so it's not that he's stingy...Just that he is so chaotic.

Friends have warned me of the same - me left to sort out practicalities, him taking off when it suits him, he has too much 'stuff'...

Ok. Ok. Yes. I must think to keep my home and finances separate...
Thank you!

@SandyY2K

I don't want kids with him

Given your age, this really isn't an issue is it?

He sounds like a freespirit...wherever I lay my hat, that's my home type of person.

Like if the mood strikes...he'll say I'm off to Xxxx..you coming along. Of on a road trip driving miles and miles.

SandyY2K I said that about kids in response to someone else who was asking the question. But even having said that, I've got 2 friends my age who've had more kids with new partners, so it is something we discussed.

He is sort of like that... not as free spirited as that, but a bit along those lines. More like "Shall we plan a trip to x/y when you don't have the kids?" or "I was thinking about taking a look at x that is for sale in y" or "DD is taking the train to x. Was thinking I could drive her there instead". So it is usually couched in some sort of reason, IYSWIM. But he does like to live in small spaces!

@RussetandGold

My thought processes have been I can't live with him. He's too chaotic fair enough.

If I can't live with him, what is the point of this relationship? -- What is the point of any relationship? do you have to live with him in order to enjoy the relationship, for example? Are cohabiting relationships the only ones that have a point? Just some questions to ask yourself - there are no right answers.

Can I grow to trust his chaos? How would I know? And what am I investing in? -- Is there an opportunity for you to live in the moment a bit here?

I mean - if you strip away the obsessing about possible future outcomes, what is left? do you love him? Does he make you happy? Does he help you shine? Does he make you feel understood and validated? Only you can answer those questions but it will take some time for you to calm your frightened, forward-thinking mind and get in touch with the person who is actually existing in the present moment, I think. She is the one who needs to answer, not the version of you that is terrified of an unknown future.

Your language around "investment" is very interesting.

When you aren't looking to have kids, is the metaphor of "investment" perhaps not that useful anymore? I mean - does his wanderlust impact you financially, for example? Have you got money worries and do you need to combine finances and reduce spend, is that a goal for you in a relationship (it's OK if it is, relationships are practical matters after all).

Even in the vein of emotional "investment" - Is it possible that you don't have to "invest" in the relationship, and perhaps just enjoy it? Maybe there will come a time when the pain of not being together impacts your enjoyment of the present moment - that might be a time to end things. If you did end things, would that be a "waste" of your "investment"? Or would it be a natural end to something you enjoyed for a time?

Maybe I'm overthinking it. -- You are, but, if you're the kind of person who can't resist imagining the future most of the time - then your enjoyment of this type of relationship will be reduced, quite frankly. You might be better off with someone who can lie to you (nicely!) about how everything is settled and nothing will change, etc. That is ok too, btw! It is quite ordinary for couples to tell each other a conventional set of polite lies in this vein. It helps quell anxiety, even if it doesn't actually change how unknown the future is.

He doesn't sound like the type of guy to have a mortgage with.

I don't really understand why he's suggesting that as a way forward. Surely it makes more sense for you both to stay independent financially?

Maybe it's that he wants to make some sort of statement of commitment, but I'd have thought there are better ways of doing that.

Actually I honestly wouldn't see the appeal of joining finances with anyone later in life unless it was blatantly hugely to my advantage!
I think keeping things simple and separate, particularly when not married is the way to go.
OP, sounds like you have a really great work life balance with your own home.
Why jeopardise that for a man that needs managing to change his clothes/teeshirt. That shit gets so old🙄.

Having your own home as a tidy, mess free sanctuary sounds like heaven from his chaos.

Thank you, WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC This has been an amazing post. I'm so appreciative of your thoughts.

I've had a few days away from him. He's been at work and staying in his camper.

If I can't live with him, what is the point of this relationship?
-- What is the point of any relationship? do you have to live with him in order to enjoy the relationship, for example? Are cohabiting relationships the only ones that have a point? Just some questions to ask yourself - there are no right answers

This is great analysis. Thanks so much. I realise I've been conditioned to thinking that people should live together and get married (it's cultural). Maybe I should break out of that thought process. There is a practical element, which is that we are both sick of living out of a bag. Living together would put down domestic roots. I guess it's what I want! Who doesn't want a beautiful home together...baking bread, beautiful features, tidy bedrooms. It appeals to my stable side.

Yes, when I live in the moment, I am happiest. I've had my head down and the here-and-now has turned into 3 years. I didn't even notice that, which is why I am questioning it.

When I strip away the obsessing about possible future outcomes, what's left?
Yes, I love him. He makes me happy most of the time but not ALL the time. Should a partner make someone happy all the time? Hmm you ask does he make me shine? It's tough with all the travelling. I'm in slobby clothes these days, although I feel free, I don't necessarily feel as sparkly as I used to. He offers me a sort of travelling freedom which I value instead. I don't know how much I feel understood... validated, yes.

Yes, yes, I have a frightened, forward-thinking mind that needs calming. I'm afraid that the years will pass me by and I will have missed out, and given this man my energy and my best years. I'm afraid that it will be too late for me, if I find this out in the future, and I will end up alone. Yup, this frightened version is making it hard for me to think.

Your language around "investment" is very interesting.

When you aren't looking to have kids, is the metaphor of "investment" perhaps not that useful anymore?

I think about this a lot. When passion wanes, and intimacy reduces, what is left in a relationship? Commitment. If you have kids, they force you to commit in a particular way. In the absence of that, I feel like it's important to think about what is left.

You ask if his wanderlust impacts me financially. Yes and no. I do worry about money. I have DCs who will need me to fund their futures. My work is limited. I took years out and my pension may not be so good. His plans involve an expensive travel plan and working off grid. Yes, he would want to combine finances, so I suppose this is something I am sensitive about. If I am also investing like this... what if it doesn't work out?

You have given me so much to think about. I really appreciate the time you have taken to go through this with me. I suffer very much from the idea of endings. I'm trying to remember that my past relationships that ended were not a "waste" of an investment...and indeed, that I gained and received much from those, too.

You've made such an important point about overthinking it... yes, imagining the future diminishes my enjoyment of relationships in general. Wow! I don't know if I would be better off with someone who can lie about things being settled - wow... interesting you hit a nerve with that. I heard a lot of these 'polite lies' in my marriage, and I ended up unpicking them until we were left with the bare bones of the sum of zero.

This has been so helpful! Thank you for helping me unpick it.

This is a long reply. Sorry for indulging. I've had a good cry in typing this up.

@category12

He doesn't sound like the type of guy to have a mortgage with.

I don't really understand why he's suggesting that as a way forward. Surely it makes more sense for you both to stay independent financially?

Maybe it's that he wants to make some sort of statement of commitment, but I'd have thought there are better ways of doing that.

Yeah, maybe not, Category I think he was suggesting it for practical reasons at first. He wants us to share a base together, and to share future plans. Hmm yes, other ways to do that...

@billy1966

Actually I honestly wouldn't see the appeal of joining finances with anyone later in life unless it was blatantly hugely to my advantage! I think keeping things simple and separate, particularly when not married is the way to go. OP, sounds like you have a really great work life balance with your own home. Why jeopardise that for a man that needs managing to change his clothes/teeshirt. That shit gets so old🙄.

Having your own home as a tidy, mess free sanctuary sounds like heaven from his chaos.

Billy You sound wise.

I used to think this, too. When I came out of my divorce, I swore that I wouldn't join finances again. Maybe I should hold myself to this.

Yes, a good work-life balance, although could do with more work but that's about to change, I think. Yes, the past couple of days, I've tried to remember the sanctuary side of my home. You're right... why jeopardise this stuff for a man who needs help in changing his shirt... hmm this is a big point.

"I have DCs who will need me to fund their futures".

Why?.

Its not down to you to do that for them. That is down to them.

Attila I meant stuff like university lives...
I suppose they can get loans, but I want to provide them with the things I didn't have myself.

I wouldn't like the lack of personal hygiene (always keep a spare toothbrush), but, other than that, it sounds ok. I wouldn't call him a 'partner' though, just a boyfriend.

How old is he? I know a chap who lives like that - in his sixties I think - divorced, three adult children (he parked his camper in the drive of one son for a while); sold his house to finance trips. He thoroughly enjoys the life but it won't go on forever, he'll settle down and buy a place sooner or later.

sometimes forgets his toothbrush, doesn’t always think about clean clothes

Too grim to contemplate