Hi @Sssloou I ended it earlier, but I will still reply to your post, as it can't do any harm to be reminded of how tough the past few months have been.
Yes! One other way might be to consider that I've been dragged around these places. I said to him that if I want to be with him, I have to follow. There's never any alternative.
We had had a good few talks over the past few weeks, and yes, there was always a feeling that he might run out of money at some stage. Although the job is well paid, it's a temporary contract and these vehicles and places to stay cost money! Not someone to trust financially. In fact, he did talk about me managing one of the homes. He thought it could be a project together, and made noises about me being named on the mortgage at one stage. I said NO WAY with this track record... only if things changed.
Well, they got worse. He was flakier than ever this weekend, tonight staying out yet another night, no sense of responsibility towards me, to come back and discuss our relationship. Yes, his self care has been dreadful, his sleep machine never used so he was still snoring. Yes, his dirty van was grim, and there were other grimy things about his other places of living.
You ask where my DCs are when they are on the road. Mostly at their father's when the travels happen. I had to slot back into mum mode every other week. Funny you mention friends, family, etc. because I have noticed that I couldn't ever make plans to see my friends, because I was following him around. Nobody made me, but if I wanted to see him, that's what I had to do.
At least I know what not to do for future romances. Maybe I could concentrate further on making this house a bit more homely now. No, I didn't get to choose much about the heading off - it was usually where his other house is, or where he works. Both happen to be pretty places, but sooo far away. Sometimes he would buy some piece of tat or other and we'd go and collect it - it didn't matter to him that it would be miles and miles away. Or we'd go and see one of his DCs. Of course, that was ok.
You're spot on about similar relationships where the free spirit bit is seductive. The other women then realise the truth. He had had a whole load of unsuccessful relationships, and I think this was a big part of it.
You ask if his poor self care & hoarding were MH related. He was on medication for depression but I think your other part is more apt, about being self-absorbed and a lack of empathy or respect for my needs. He just saw it that he was providing the 'fun', and what more did I want? Why would anyone want to dress up for dinner to a swanky restaurant? He turned up in his gardening trousers! Probably different standards and values.
Your last paragraph makes me want to cry. Yes, I did have a troubled childhood where I was hugely neglected. So did he - which was why I thought he would understand my pain. You are also spot on by wondering if that is why I went from my exDH who was boring and stable, to this chap. Both men made me feel like I needed to adapt to them. I don't have a good sense of my own stuff like you describe. It was fine when I was studying - the goals were clear - but now I am working and doing it 'by myself', I appear to have drifted, too. Time to get those things back in check.
Thank you sooo much!