Do strong women really scare men off?

[pinkyponkywonky]

My ex husband said that I was too strong for him and that myself and his mother emasculated him. Personally, I think it was because he was so useless that his mother and I just "got on" with things on our own.

Since dating, I've found that several men seem to be scared off by my strength.

Thoughts?

Have to agree with SicklyToaster.

My experiences of people (men and women) who describe themselves as 'strong' are usually just loud, brash and obnoxious. The people I would describe as strong have the strength of character to not always go along with the crowd, will step in to do the right thing, have the quiet confidence to plough their own furrow without the need of validation or approval from their peers.

My experience of people who are strong have firm boundaries and know who they are. They would rather be single than put up with poor behaviour. They are independent, capable and have confidence in their abilities. They are happy in themselves and have self awareness.

It takes strength to be gentle and kind and to be yourself despite adversity.

Strength is not toxic masculinity, ball breaking or bullying others.

I think in this situation we are talking about independence being equated to strength. IME there are lots of men who can't comprehend a relationship of equals. If they're not needed to bring in the main wage, do diy, sort car problems out etc they can't see what role is - hence the "but what do you need me for?" puzzlement.

It's very sad that they think they don't bring anything to a relationship other than putting food on the table and fixing things.

Talking about lifting weights, I've had men tell me that it put them off that I had "shoulders and arms like a man". I only date men that weight train now. Weak men like women who do yoga (not that yoga is weak, it is harrrrd), because they imagine they can over power them.
I'm also considered aggressive, stubborn, not smiley, etc. I'm bringing up my daughter to be opinionated, and sure of herself. I think some men can't deal with women that don't need them. Which is odd, adults should be able to take care of themselves. These men tend to prefer younger women I've found

[quote username501]@SicklyToaster

You're being disingenuous if you don't understand what I am saying here. We live in a sexist society that views strong women in pejorative terms: obnoxious, loud, opinionated, bossy, domineering, aggressive.

This thread is a perfect example of that. A woman says she is strong and the slurs come out. A woman says she's strong, that's all she says and she's asked if she means aggressive, loud, brash, obnoxious, wonder if she's a bully.

You don't know her and have no idea what she's like.

Of course men don't like strong women. The occupations in which women get paid more than men are porn stars and models - sex and looks.

One in three women in the UK will experience domestic violence in their life times. Two women on average die a week at the hands of their partners or former partners. Women who go against the grain are metaphorically dunked until they learn to put up and shut up.

And it's true as a pp said, that there are men out there who love taking a strong woman down. There are also men who are threatened by a woman's strength - misogyny is based on the fear of women.[/quote]
Of course I don't know what she's like, but noone describes themselves a brash, obnoxious or arrogant etc.
They will usually describe themselves in other terms that make the people that know them roll their eyes.
In my experience, being independent and self-confident isn't an impediment to relationships. Being unlikable can be.
As I mentioned, I don't know anyone who describes themselves as strong. It's like someone saying "I'm very intelligent". It's a self-assessment. All it really tells you, in absence of corroborating evidence, is that you're talking to a braggart.

Fwiw, this is a people thing, not a gendered thing. I would be even more skeptical of a self-described "strong" man.

I'd not listen to him to tell the truth. He's neatly side-stepped any attempt to analyse his own behaviour or accept any responsibility in a TWO PERSON RELATIONSHIP.

That aside, I think this a tired cliché that people use to shush women or to make otherwise independently functioning women feel a bit "less".

If you are happy living as you are and you feel in control of the things that matter to you, who give a flying monkey what your ex (or any man of his ilk) thinks?

You do you, and if you happen across someone who makes you feel happy, secure and appreciated, congratulations, and I hope you stick with them for as long as they make you happy.

I agree that a strong person tries to support others and live well.
A weak person uses any power they might have (financial/physical strength etc) over others.

I am the first, I married the second. It didn't work out and now when I date I look for the warning signs that a man is insecure - if he can't handle that I've got my shit together, then there's no point in a relationship.

It's a delicate balance and I say that as a very strong woman. Men do like to feel needed and appreciated. So do women. You don't need to be a doormat or domestic goddess to give them a feeling of being needed and wanted in fact turning into their mummy isn't sexy.

I have a technique which involves praising men for ironing and cooking (in fact any housework) as I am missing that gene. So they do it. Happy to keep it up as long as needed and appreciate it all. As long as I'm not washing pots (which trust me I'm not).

You have to find stuff you like about them and tell them, in the same way they have to have stuff about you that they like. If there isn't anything to find them it's time to move on.

I've had men tell me that it put them off that I had "shoulders and arms like a man"
The best answer to that is "and I bet you wish you did'🤭

Yes, some men will be put off by it. Others will welcome it because they genuine believe in equal partnerships. And yet others will welcome it, because it's an excuse for them to do naff all knowing you'll pick up the pieces.

I think a good test of how he believes relationships should work is viewing his relationship with his mother/female family members/female friends/female colleagues. My ex husband's mother, though independent minded, a working woman and feisty, put up with her husband's cheating/roving eye and general lack of interest in home life. Also, her husband constantly looked down at her part time job as not a real job and was generally dismissive of her intelligence. My ex husband, though he never cheated, inherited his father's general disdain of women. Took me a few years to realise this as it was hidden under charm and veiled barbs. It's an attitude he even had towards his sister and female boss.

My current bf was raised by a single mum, who chucked his dad out for being a waster, educated herself, got a good job and raised her children to all do well with their lives. To him, women are strong and capable, as that's the role model he grew up with. His best friend is female, his boss is female, and I've never heard his speak disparagingly about either.

I'd also be very wary of men who feel the need to constantly advertise that they're feminists or want to help women. It can sometimes show they have a 'saviour' complex and paradoxically see women as weaker/needing protection. Some of the worst chauvnists i knows have been the ones bleating all over social media about how 'different' they are to other men.

Men love the

Aagghh posted too soon!

Men love the idea of the strong woman but in my experience don't know what to do with one when they've got one!

I am considered to be a ‘strong woman’ by others and definitely I know it has put men off in the past.

In my case it means I was happy by myself, had strong boundaries, ambitious and independent.

With my dp, he’s actually pretty similar and we support each other in our ambitions and recognise each other’s strengths. Ie if he is better at something than me, I’m happy for him to support me with it and vice versa and it’s no threat as we both win if one of us succeeds.

I think this would be harder to maintain if the dynamic were to drastically change eg if he were to be made redundant and stall in his career for a long period of time. But we have talked about this possibility and what we would do so I like to think he would still think having a ‘strong’ woman on his side would still be an asset in that case!