Do strong women really scare men off?

[pinkyponkywonky]

My ex husband said that I was too strong for him and that myself and his mother emasculated him. Personally, I think it was because he was so useless that his mother and I just "got on" with things on our own.

Since dating, I've found that several men seem to be scared off by my strength.

Thoughts?

Often strong women end up doing it all! Like a pp, some women are very independent and competent and end up doing everything because it’s easier than putting up with it not being done.
It’s not always respectful and decent men who end up with strong women.

What do you class as "strength" though?

In my experience it's just being capable and not 'needing' them to provide or fix or solve things.

For example, there's something in the house that needs fixing and you do it yourself rather than asking them etc.

I've had some really interesting and eye opening responses from men for things like owning tools or just not 'needing' them to sort stuff out.

Including being told that I have control issues because I just get on with it and don't ask a man to do things for me; to being told, "I know you like to try and do things yourself but you should just ask a man,"; to being outright accused of deliberately trying to emasculate someone.

All because I just get on with things.

The worst thing is that I know my limits and I know that there are somethings I can't do and so will ask a friend etc for help.

And then the, "ah, see, you can't do it all. You still need a man," comments start.

It's not just restricted to this but that is how I interpret it.

People who are rude and abrasive? That's not a strength, that's a weakness.

@Happyspud

Define strong? I know plenty of both men and women who define the selves as strong but are just a bit arrogant and aggressive and sure they're right.

This is the first thing that springs to mind when someone defines themself as strong. There’s quite a strong correlation with being a bit of a nightmare who kicks off of everything isn’t their way.

I was raised to be independent.

Ended up with a man constantly wanting to tear me down, jealous of my achievements, wants me to depend on him in every single way so I don't leave him, has "traditional" views about women and hates feminists.

He is very aggressive towards me and my child that I plan to leave.

These men hate a strong woman because he knows he can't control her.

A strong person believes in themselves, tries to lift others up, respects those around them and leads and independent life.

Arrogance is not a sign of strength.

Why are so many posters assuming that the OP is a bully or arrogant? Is it some sort of internalised misogyny, that assumes strong women are nasty, like the old “female bosses are ‘bitches’” trop we hear, when they’re behaving in the same way as male bosses? It’s possible she’s just a nice person that knows her own self worth.

The OP has given no context and hasn't returned to the thread. Would have been nice to see examples of her situation.

DeliciouslyFemale

I dont think anyone has assumed that. But I have heard 'strong' being used as a euphemism for 'inflexible', 'selfish', 'arrogant'. Etc.

Some people pride themselves on it and do regard it as strong.

XmasIsNear's definition is accurate for me but a lot of men don't like that either.

It's definitely the response of men who want a subservient woman. I work in a very male-dominated industry (I have never met/heard of another woman doing the same job in the 15yrs I've been doing it, although there must be some others somewhere!) and was regularly accused of being aggressive when I worked for a company (happily SE now!). I wasn't aggressive, just had an opinion and stood my ground on occasion - politely! They were used to women that ran around after them and had their dinner ready on the table at 6pm every day.

Love this definition: ‘A strong person believes in themselves, tries to lift others up, respects those around them and leads an independent life.’

I hope that’s me. It’s what I’ve always aspired to anyway.

None that you'll miss!

My DP is strong. She’s smart, she works hard, on her job on herself and on her relationships. She’s an inspiration to me and others. My love for her makes me need to be the best me I can be for her in return on every level. She’s amazing and she’s never once called herself strong, quite the opposite in fact.

Intelligent, capable and brave -- no problem

Narcissistic, bullying and lazy -- perhaps not

@DeliciouslyFemale -Why are so many posters assuming that the OP is a bully or arrogant?

For me that is exactly the crux of the problem. When man stick to their opinion, they are strong, when women do the same, they are arrogant. When man express their opinion, they lead. When woman, set argue for their views, they are hysterical.... Just look at how Hillary was treated, versus Donald.

These comments are proof that non-conforming independent women will often be labelled and told to tone it down a bit.

In my experience, when I was mad about a partner was being irresponsible or incompetent, I have been told I need to be careful because men's ego are delicate...

Are you strong or domineering? not being goady, genuine question as there IS a difference. I know a lot of strong people but not many who would describe it that way if you get me. if you made your DH feel useless then maybe you lean towards the later?.

It's not my personal experience that men are scared off by strong women, no. I consider myself a very strong and confident woman, and I get approached by men from all walks of life. I sadly think people often confuse aggression with strength, so aggressive women are often the type of woman people think of when they think of a strong woman. Can't really say I blame men for keeping their distance from aggressive women...I wouldn't want to have anything to do with an aggressive man, either.

This thread just shows how strength in women is viewed - aggressive, loud, brash, opinionated, arrogant.

The OP didn't say she was aggressive but that's an assumption being made about her when she says she's a strong person.

I think there is an issue with strong women being described as arrogant etc but also an issue with others describing us as that when we are just capable.

I am quite petite, 'pretty' (so I'm told) and I often find men expected to be docile, compliant and needing of them. It comes as a surprise to them when I'm none of those things and they dont take it well.

I think a lot of women mistake being argumentative and confrontational for being "strong". I'm sure most men don't like this, in the same way most people wouldn't.

I think a lot of people enjoy the feeling of their partner relying on them to some extent (as it makes them feel useful), but I don't think someone being genuinely independent would scare many men.

@username501

This thread just shows how strength in women is viewed - aggressive, loud, brash, opinionated, arrogant.

The OP didn't say she was aggressive but that's an assumption being made about her when she says she's a strong person.

I think it's just more that that's how people who describe themselves as "strong" come across in real life. I've never heard a person who I'd thought of as exceptionally strong (be it physically or mentally) describe themselves as strong. Plenty of aggressive/obnoxious people do though.

@PamDemic

I don't think they do Sicklytoaster at all. Women know when they are strong. It's men and other women who call strong women aggressive, argumentative, stroppy, masculine, difficult, opinionated, bitchy etc.

Alpha men are positive. strong women? bitches.

Yes, exactly this.

I don't see myself as especially 'strong' - I am just me, but I have a career and it is relatively high earning.

Back in the day when speed dating was the thing, this was a good way to get rejected numerous times in under 3 minutes.

Him: What do you do?
Me: I'm a doctor
Him: (Looks panicked) Oh, are you just a GP then?
Me: (Tries to ignore the insult to GPs) No, I do x specialty
Him: Dumps me

DH was the first bloke I met who didn't care I earned more than him and was interested in me as a human being. I knew I'd marry him on the first date

I know loads of women doctors who have had the same experience. The men want to feel they have the manly hunter job.

@SicklyToaster

You're being disingenuous if you don't understand what I am saying here. We live in a sexist society that views strong women in pejorative terms: obnoxious, loud, opinionated, bossy, domineering, aggressive.

This thread is a perfect example of that. A woman says she is strong and the slurs come out. A woman says she's strong, that's all she says and she's asked if she means aggressive, loud, brash, obnoxious, wonder if she's a bully.

You don't know her and have no idea what she's like.

Of course men don't like strong women. The occupations in which women get paid more than men are porn stars and models - sex and looks.

One in three women in the UK will experience domestic violence in their life times. Two women on average die a week at the hands of their partners or former partners. Women who go against the grain are metaphorically dunked until they learn to put up and shut up.

And it's true as a pp said, that there are men out there who love taking a strong woman down. There are also men who are threatened by a woman's strength - misogyny is based on the fear of women.