Do strong women really scare men off?

[pinkyponkywonky]

My ex husband said that I was too strong for him and that myself and his mother emasculated him. Personally, I think it was because he was so useless that his mother and I just "got on" with things on our own.

Since dating, I've found that several men seem to be scared off by my strength.

Thoughts?

As a man, I love strong women - I grew up with a strong mum and various strong aunts - but, that said, I find it difficult to ask them out. I always imagine they could do better than me! 😁

Personally, I think it was because he was so useless that his mother and I just "got on" with things on our own.

What was he "useless" at that you just had to get on with? An example would help me understand better.

I grew up with a very domineering mother who prides herself on her "strength". She crushed the spirit of us kids and it's taken me years to find my own likes and dislikes and confidence. That in turn has encouraged "strong" people to try and take me over because I can appear so passive and malleable.

I agree there are definitely some types of people who just "opt out" and don't lift a finger, expecting someone else to take up the slack all the time.

More context would be great if you could give us an example.

Agree with @rantyanty. Strong women expect to be part of an equal partnership. They expect their men to step up and do their fair share of chores & childcare. A lot of Men may start out thinking having a strong woman is sexy but don't like the reality that they are expected to act like grownups.

I agree op.

I'm strong - according to loads of men when I was younger. I was told that I should hide my abilities or I'd never get a boyfriend - no man wants a woman who is too competent because they need to feel important/needed. I actually didn't understand what that meant because I didn't consider myself particularly great at many things.

But I did find if I dumbed myself down (literally pretending I didn't know things I did) I was approached more.

I've ended up in a marriage with someone who doesn't think I can do anything better than him. I never had much self confidence but I've ended up with virtually none.

I found as a kid that I was targeted for being strong (again don't know what it meant - my own mother was also unkind about it and also decided I needed less caring that my brother because I was "strong") and was even bullied harshly for several weeks because people wanted to see me cry. I was home crying every night during that period anyway because my father was missing and I thought he'd drowned at sea. I just didn't come into school and cry about it. Once I'd been injured by them (cos words didn't make me cry) they stopped. Obviously they didn't tell me they wanted to see me cry, my friend had heard them talking a couple of times.

I found quite a few times that certain men actually wanted to break me because they saw me as "strong". They were attracted to my "strength" because, I think, dominating a strong woman made them feel like their dicks were steel. To feel like you've broken the ball-breaker apparently feels great.

So playing dumb actually wasn't as bad an idea as it sounds.

My daughter is strong though. I'm supporting her develop who she is as well as being aware (gently) that others' opinions are worth listening to and then thinking about and sometimes discarding. I'm a total pacifist, but I will be murderous of any little shit who tries to "break" my daughter.

daretodenim

I had similar experiences - being told I was 'too strong'; 'too intelligent', 'too capable'...

That men want strong, independent women is up there with 'confidence is atractive' for lies we tell each other about men.

@widespreadpanic

I’m a strong minded woman. I’ve noticed that the men that can’t handle me really want a doormat. They want someone to just go along with everything they want/say/do, they want you to mold your change your personality to fit theirs, a healthy debate or having an opinion of your own means you’re argumentative and contrary.

Oddly enough, if I tell a guy that I’m one of those strong women they will start off excited. But as time goes on they realize it’s not what they want and they later end up with not as strong traits as I have.

I find the same. I often get compliments at the beginning, followed by attempts to change me. It's part of the reason why I'm single (by choice).

Maybe upbringing has an effect. My mum is and was a powerful woman and as a boy growing up my concept of a relationship was that the woman was strong. It was what I knew, and what I've consequently been attracted to.

My partner is fearsome and I wouldn't want her to lose any of it. I think supporting and encouraging this strength leads to better partnership, harmony. And sex as well, if I'm honest.

Very interesting comments from everyone and nice to hear from the men as well.

These men sound awful. Do you mean physical strength or confidence/independence? I am the latter and my DP and I have an amazing relationship - not much really comes down to physical strength anyway? We are both confident in ourselves.

My DF is married to DSM who earns 5x and he doesn't care - they have a great relationship and have for 20 years!

I too have had a relationship with someone who complained i didn't need him enough - he tried to tell me that indepedence was great but I was in a relationship now, I didn't need to be independent (I'm talking about going to see friends or family on my own if he was busy, or going to the cinema by myself to see a film I was desperate to see and nobody else cared about, or going out on hikes alone because why the hell not). I stayed way too long but I never compromised on my independence - I'm not even really sure how I would.

Agree with others that the only men put off by strength are not worth bothering with in the first place!

Also agree with previous posters in so far as I’ve met a small number of women who were just toxic bullies but who played the “I’m discriminated against for being a strong woman” card when caught out (in the same way that I’ve known plenty of bullying men who fall back on being a “strong personality”, “telling it like it is”, etc). An ex-“friend” of mine used to brag about all the male friends and ex-boyfriends she’d reduced to tears, often for petty reasons. Justified in her eyes by the fact that they were ex-public school and had “posh” accents, although she was also a dick to pretty much everyone else too if they stuck around her long enough. And yeah, she believed that everyone around her just couldn’t handle a strong woman.

Some men. Often an overlapping group with the ones who say they want no-strings-attached sex or something casual, yet get surprisingly snitty if you don't develop feelings for them and whisper heartfelt things about wanting to see them again and have their babies after a few dates.

Not being needed clearly computes as a major red flag for a certain type of man.

Not in my experience

@HerrenaHarridan

I lift weights
It terrifies men
That’s one of the pluses as far as I can see
They see me as competition not prey and that suits me just fine

I lift too and I find things exactly as you do. Most men are just completely put off. Suits me fine too .... most of the time

I'm a very strong woman, have never needed a man and have my own career and own my own home. There isn't anything I need a man for but like all people I'd like companionship.
in nearly every relationship I've had the person has tried to dominate and belittle me (and failed - I know my own worth).
One even tried to convince me I had a personality disorder because I didn't "behave like a real woman".
I've settled on a male "gay best friend". He doesn't want a sexual relationship anymore, neither do I and we get on just brilliantly in a platonic way with everything in common.

I have a few strong female friends who have married much more passive sorts. It works for them.

I am very attracted to strong, confident women. I once dated a shy wallflower and I realised that wasn't for me. Really interesting comments about men who say they like confident women, but then can't actually cope with it.

I'm a confident person. I'm successful in my career. But, I'm no alpha male. I just class myself as reasonable (don't we all I guess). My ideal woman would be strong, confident, funny. But, I have been burnt by a strong woman who has no patience. I found that too stressful.

I have been out with men who seem to feel uncomfortable about me having opinions and ambition. I also dated a guy who said I was too wild. 😄
The ones that mattered didn't care and my partner loves that I'm strong and mouthy and passionate. Not when it's directed at him, obviously.
I spent years making myself smaller, quieter, less clever and generally compliant and easy going. It was shit. It's not just blokes either, some female friends can't hack it either.

Hmmmm...define strong ...I've seen plenty of relationships which start off equal but over time one partner becomes more domineering whilst the other becomes browbeaten and downtrodden ..male or female..and I've seen a number of women who describe themselves as strong who are basically bullies to their partner and yes describe them as weak , speak to them as if they were staff and are full of their own opinions and self righteousnes.
' My useless man ' is a trope laughed at often enough..but they probably weren't useless to start with .

My ex was codependent, rented, messed up life ( mostly his doing), professional job, but easily led - also anxious. He wanted validation all the time. His messages were a constant of pictures of what he had made, his lots of people liked his ideas and how popular he was. I Am independent, own home, ambitious, got my life together and not anxious.

Going out with him was draining. He tried to push me down, saying things using language - like your crap at that, calling me a bossy bitch etc. I am generally relaxed, but he was causing anxiety.

In the end he said I was too strong for him and he thought he needed someone independent in his life to be equals but he needed someone to need him or be the provider. He was a rescuer and I didnt need rescued.

I am looking fir an equal. Appreciate the balance of support will change throughout, but don’t take my independence away.

He is now with someone who needs him, he can provide for the home and he has given her a job as a favour. She gushed over him on social media all the time. All the things he said he didn’t want.

But hey, that life I would hate.

Statistically speaking, yes, my opinion is "most" men like to be in the dominant position in a relationship, hence a strong woman would not be as desirable as a weaker and smaller one. Most men normally achieve this by dating a younger woman, which results in women with less life experience, less earning etc. At workplace strong women are also called crazy, bossy, domineering, etc. Have you ever heard about "bossy men" or "opinionated men" or "mouthy men"? No, because they own the space and we are encroaching upon it.

Physically also, women are socialized to not want to look strong. A lot of women are scared to become bulky so don't do weigh workouts. A desirable physique for a woman is lithe and slender.

I've come across a few men who've been snide about me having my own home and a comfortable life due to having a good job.
My exH definitely didn't like to feel "needed" though, he complained he was emasculated by me having bought the house already but when it came to him doing "manly" jobs, he never lifted a finger and waited for me to pay someone for come and do them

What do you class as "strength" though? If we are talking about someone who is kind of aggressive in their communication, then I won't tolerate that (I'm a woman not a man, but still). If you just mean emotionally strong (flexible, assertive, able to deal with life's ups and downs) then I have not experienced a man being put off by that. They normally seem to like it, in fact.