Need to know what this means...

[Jellykins09]

Name change.
Can wise people of mumsnet tell me what this means?
Does this mean there has been some form of communication in July?
My hands are shaking and I feel sick, apologies for the short post, I can hardly breathe right now.

It's so shit once they've killed the trust you had. Did he confess everything when you found out about the affair OP or did he lie and try to cover up? If it's the latter I've found I can't ever get back from that. It's almost like the lying and gaslighting, where you end up questioning yourself and your judgement is worse than the adultery itself, in terms of long-term damage. I know people advise to stay calm and hide your feelings while you play detective, but I find that impossible.

Thank you so much.
I have just told him, and showed him what I found.
Hes denying any contact.
I am in floods of tears
Thank you from the bottom of my hearts everyone who has replied

It could just be that the other party changed their phone.

I have one relative I never chat with. She changes her phone regularly. My chat window with her looks like a long string of encryption notifications like the one you’ve shown.

OTOH, if you don’t trust your partner you should just leave. You can’t live like this.

The contact in February was a 'new' conversation being started.
That would mean he didn't have the phone number saved in his phone in February when he (or she) first made contact.
the note in July means that is when he chose to block her.
You can send messages within that time frame and just delete them (just press on a message then the option to delete comes up). This means that they have definitely communicated in that time otherwise the date wouldn't be showing.
Being in archive is not an accident - you have to actively move the chat to archive. You can also continue to message/call while a chat is in archive without it moving back into the main chat lists. Basically means if you scrolled down his recent messages it wouldn't show they were talking at first glance.

If you can get hold of the phone again then you can uninstall whatsapp and reinstall it - when you do a rollback it will pull up any old messages that were sent. not 100% accurate because it depends if your husband has the 'back up' option enabled but worth a try.

Having said all of that, you already know he had an affair.
I assume you chose/tried to forgive this.
You now know he continued some form of contact with her, which when you confront him will be 'telling her to leave me alone/ she wouldn't take no for an answer/ I told her I chose you and she kept texting'. You already know its bullshit and you do deserve better than this.

@Notanothercherrybakewell

You can also continue to message/call while a chat is in archive without it moving back into the main chat lists.

Really?? 🤔

If I archive a chat, and I then go back into the chat and send the contact a message, WhatsApp automatically moves the chat out of my archive and into my active list of chats.

Same thing happens if the archived contact sends me a message. WhatsApp automatically moves the chat out of my archive and places it into my active chat list.

Maybe it works differently depending on what type of phone you use? I have an Android phone. Do you have an iPhone? Maybe WhatsApp on iPhone does what you've described but WhatsApp on Android doesn't?

Please keep talking to me, mumsnet.
I'm dealing with this much better than I did before I found mumsnet.
I'm struggling to breathe and type, but im reading everything.

Just checked on my WhatsApp, the encryption message doesn't come up until you actually send a message so I definitely think there has been communication

How can we help? Are you just wanting company while you are struggling? Where is your partner now? Has he tried to comfort and reassure you?

I'm just really struggling.
I spoke to AP woman to woman when I found out, and she assured me, no contact and she wouldn't want anything to do with him..
I feel so stupid.

Betrayed by DP, and AP who I thought could at least be a decent human and feel my suffering.

I think it sounds like there has been communication too BUT it could have been her contacting him and his response was just to block her, so nothing 'wrong' on his part. But it is a horrible situation to be in, the trust has gone and you are suffering as a result. What made you think things were "off" the other night after a few drinks?

@Jellykins09

I'm just really struggling. I spoke to AP woman to woman when I found out, and she assured me, no contact and she wouldn't want anything to do with him.. I feel so stupid. Betrayed by DP, and AP who I thought could at least be a decent human and feel my suffering.

Think of them as having a drug addiction. The chemical high they get from these (pathetic) illicit affairs is apparently hard to resist so they stay in their fantasy-land for as long as possible until real life comes knocking. I know it's impossible for you to comprehend right now, but you will eventually pity them - mainly because neither of them are capable of living an authentic life right now. Please never think you are in any way 'lesser' because he has cheated on you - he is the one who is lacking, not you.

The thing is, you're trusting the two people who have thrown you under the bus. The OW doesn't have to be honest with you at all. She may not have wanted anything to do with him but equally could've been lying. There's simply no way to know.

IMO you need to look after yourself and trust your feelings. Work out what you want and begin making plans for your own future. You cannot live like this, I understand it but it isn't healthy at all. X

Also, kudos for speaking to the OW.

I couldn't do that.

@Jellykins09

I'm just really struggling. I spoke to AP woman to woman when I found out, and she assured me, no contact and she wouldn't want anything to do with him.. I feel so stupid. Betrayed by DP, and AP who I thought could at least be a decent human and feel my suffering.

The AP would have said whatever she thought you needed to hear. Damage limitation on her part.

You can't trust either of them. They've proved that! Don't waste anymore time on either of them. This situation is destroying your mental health. Get out now and focus on your happiness and mental wellbeing

Just to show you how it looks on my phone (XH) - it might be that he didn't block in February. Because if he had, it would say on his phone..

It looks more like he and AP continued talking / chatting, then the relationship came to a natural end and he blocked her in July, having deleted all prior messages...

I don't think it matters if he has been in touch with her. You very clearly don't trust him, and understandably so. I think it says a lot that you were relying on her to be the decent person and not contact him, rather than the good character of the man who is meant to love you. Take some time to think about where you want to go from here.

It looks to me that there has been some chat between them between February and July (might have been one-way, might have been a single message or hundreds, you'll never know unless he tells you, which he won't) and then he blocked her.

The thing is, it doesn't really matter does it? The fact is, you don't trust him and have good reason not to. Whatever he tells you about this message situation will be a lie and you know it.

It doesn't mean the affair continued or anything, but even so, how can you live like this? I couldn't. You either trust someone or you don't and if you don't then how can you have a relationship with them?

It's shit. Properly shit. I'm really sorry.

I didn't even know this existed on WhatsApp so I tried it myself using dhs phone, to enter into encrypted messaging with him, I had to click to enable it then I have to scan the code to their phone by rolling the little camera that pops up over his phone, I physically needed dhs phone to scan the code and it brought up today's date and that the message was encrypted end to end. So it looks like he entered this scan code in February and blocked her July. I can't see another way of entering into encrypted messages but as I said I've never used this before.

I'm still here. Still reading everything.

Hes claiming no contact, he is saying that he deleted whats app at one point and reinstalled it, and when he reinstalled it, her contact details came up and he blocked her, and thought he deleted the contact, he claims not to know about archived messages, this part could be plausible, but im not sure.

Ive pointed out this still doesn't explain the apparent contact in February.

Again I apologise for lack of responses to individual posters at present. Ive been reading and typing inbetween Dp and I talking.

I hope im making some kind of sense right now.

The February date which is on the screen is there because at least one message was sent or received that date. You can delete the messages, but if you do that on the chat screen the date remains. Unless you delete the entire chat from the screen before, where you can see your full list of messages.
I've just tried this with someone on WhatsApp that I've sent about ten messages to over 2 days.

So, 1st august, 3 messages sent. 2nd august, 7 messages sent. The date bar was there for both days. Delete all messages within the chat screen. The 2and august date bar has gone, but the chat screen remains there, empty of messages but with the 1st august date there.

Searched for someone else that I've never chatted with on whatsapp, there is no date in the chat screen cos we've never exchanged a message.

So something was sent or received on that February date. Sorry. I'm sure you don't want to hear that.

That big gap between feb and july from at least one message to blocking would not sit comfortably with me either.

So so sorry. Don't be gas lighted.

Firstly, don’t trust the AP. She may have told you that she wouldn’t contact your DP but this may not be true.

My DH had an affair about nine years ago, the OW promised me time and time again she was staying away, but in truth she was begging him to leave me. We got through it and are probably now stronger than ever, but they seem to say what they want you to hear. It could even be that she contacted him, he deleted it hence it being archived.

Sending lots of hugs and love

The end to end encryption comes up when you open a fresh chat. So he’s opened one in Feb at least even if he’s not spoken on it, Looks like he’s blocked her in July then archived the conversation so he doesn’t completely lose her number.

I’ve just had a look through my WhatsApp to check instances of the ‘messages and calls are end-to-end encrypted’ message on a chat.

I got a new phone in August.

There are a few group chats that I have not been active on since earlier this year (and seem to have fizzled out at some point before the new phone as there have been no messages since). They are listed in my chat list on my new phone automatically, although I am using the same SIM card as before so don’t have a new number.

This is how these chats appear when I go into them.