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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hasn't stuck up for me

57 replies

Lilly1980 · 02/10/2020 15:43

Hi everyone, I posted on here a few weeks ago about my husband and family not sticking up for me.

The long and short was his cousin had an affair and left his wife when she had just gave birth. The new girlfriends was welcomed in the family immediately which I found disgusting. I have removed myself from the cousin and his girlfriend and continue to support the ex wife who I have been close to for a number of years.

A few weeks ago I was in the pub with my mum and sister, and the cousin and his girlfriend were in the pub with another couple. her friend was starring at me giving me dirty looks so I asked her what she was looking at, she didn't reply so we went to our tablel and sat down. next thing cousins girlfriend walks past our table, she had to go out of her way to do so. We didn't say anything. 10 minutes later she walks back in facing the table and was literally starring down my poor mum. my mum said what are you looking at. she then started shouting at me saying what I said to her friend was disgusting. So I told her that disgusting is sleeping with a married man and him leaving his wife and new baby.

After that the cousins parents came, I have know them over 20 years and we have never had a problem. The father gets in my face, pointing at my face close up, telling me to stay out of there business and then smacks my arm really hard. They were told to leave by the staff.

So the update is, my husband never said a thing to them. Not one thing! nor did my mother in law. Nobody on my husbands side has defended me at all . My husband has told my mother in law that I had called the girl as slag, and this is how it all started. He also said he was pointing his finger in my face, but I smacked his hand away.

So he has shown me he is a complete liar. just like his son. I have told my husband that I feel let down by him and his family for not defending me.

I know it all sounds very school yard, but these people have put my friend through hell. Not only did she just get dropped by her husband, but she has been bullied by them all. It is really awful what they have done. And I feel that they get away with treating people like this all the time, and nobody stands up to them.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/10/2020 15:54

Did you call her a slag? Not great really

Original poster
Lilly1980 · 02/10/2020 16:37

No I didn't nor would i.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/10/2020 16:38

I should think your husband and his family want to stay in touch with the cousin, and are thus being practical and not rejecting him or openly calling him or his girlfriend names, to keep the peace.
You could have defended his ex in a less confrontational way, but you chose to call the new girlfriend names instead.
Your dh is probably torn between his loyalty to you and to his family, but he can hardly condone name-calling.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/10/2020 16:39

What did tje police say? You did report the assault, didnt you?

mbosnz · 02/10/2020 16:41

Her husband said that she called her a slag. However, OP contends that this is false.

More to the point, her husband has not stuck up for her, and has apparently been making up lies about her, as well as lying to her.

Nice husband and in-laws, you've got there OP. Real classy.

Sirzy · 02/10/2020 16:43

I think if you want to cut off members of the family that’s fine but do it completely not going out to look for an argument which it sounds like you did - what are you looking is generally going to be a comment to aggravate a situation.

Sounds like your husband doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle

Ughmaybenot · 02/10/2020 16:44

None of this showers any of you in glory tbh.
Yes the cousin behaved badly, and by association, so did the girlfriend, but that’s done.
You and your mum both acted like teenagers with your whole ‘what are you looking at?’ shit. I mean, how old are you both for goodness sake?
The cousins dad absolutely should never have laid hands on you, no excusing that.
I’m not entirely sure that I believe that you didn’t call her a slag, or something of the sort, and tbh I can imagine your husband is embarrassed by all this and just wants it to go away, one way or the other.

ravenmum · 02/10/2020 16:45

I was slow posting - yes, I see now that OP didn't say "slag".

Did you say anything OP?
she then started shouting at me saying what I said to her friend was disgusting
Did you reply "I didn't say anything, what do you mean?"

Your dh wasn't there when these people assaulted you; did you explain it in detail? Is slapping so common in his family that they weren't surprised? Did you want him to go round to the cousin to defend you?

icelollycraving · 02/10/2020 16:48

Sounds like Eastenders tbh. Support your friend. All the what are you looking at? Well it sounds so dramatic and grim. None of you come out of it well.

TheMandalorian · 02/10/2020 16:52

I think you might get more sympathy over on nethuns.
Yes the cousin and girlfriend are cheating twats. Yes your dh is a lying lover. However, it is very crass to start a fight in a pub over it.
Ditch your dh and support your poor friend. No need for all this drama. Hope you are not pregnant or have children because I imagine your husband is cut from the same cloth as his cousin.

ravenmum · 02/10/2020 16:55

My husband has told my mother in law that I had called the girl as slag, and this is how it all started. He also said he was pointing his finger in my face, but I smacked his hand away.
I thought this was a typo and OP meant that the cousin's father said all this.
All quite confusing, though.

DBML · 02/10/2020 17:06

My husband’s cousin also had an affair, leaving his wife soon after. Luckily they did not have children.

I am not impressed with what he did, but it’s none of my business so I stay out of it. I am pleasant to his ex-wife of course and I remain civil and polite to him.
I wouldn’t dream of confronting cousin’s new partner whilst out and I will be civil to her too.

‘Who are you looking at’ is a generic way of ‘starting on’ someone. So what if she was staring at you? Ignore it and do what most normal people do.

You did go out looking for a fight (not necessarily physical) and you got one...so congratulations. But don’t expect other people to take sides.

Father in law was out of order slapping you as well. It seems like the pair of you behaved very badly.

As much as I loathe affairs and people who have affairs, it’s not for you to be judge and jury.

Original poster
Lilly1980 · 02/10/2020 17:18

hi all, I completely didn't expect this post to come off well and it does sound very Eastenders I completely agree.

I didn't actually say anything to the girlfriend, it was her friend that was staring at me for the whole time st the bar. I asked her what she was looking at without an attitude to be honest. I certainly didn't go looking for it, I was with my mother and sister. I also appreciate how it may have come off when my mum did ask the girlfriend what she was looking at, but she was walking up tp our table and just staring right at her, it was so weird how she was behaving.

Anyway maybe you had to be there, who know . maybe I am in the wrong for asking her friend what she was looking at.

I dont know what net mums has to do with it and me getting more sympathy. however I appreciate your posts

OP posts:
Blulorry · 02/10/2020 17:19

Drama drama OP. Reading what you have wrote there’s several parts that seem like they don’t ring true!

It’s terrible that your friend has just had a baby. But it sounds like there’s more too it keep out OP.

Also maybe the girlfriend was welcomed immediately because she’s probably been on the scene some time.

Ughmaybenot · 02/10/2020 17:30

We all know there’s absolutely no way of saying ‘what are you looking at?’ without an attitude. Pull the other one.
Honestly, just don’t engage. You can’t make other people act the way you want them to, and how you think they should. It’s infinitely easier to simply rise above it.

TwentyViginti · 02/10/2020 17:33

I've been on the receiving end of someone staring at me, trying to 'start something'. I simply pretended I didn't notice.

This infuriates the starer!

DBML · 02/10/2020 17:43

‘Who are you looking at?’ is never a benign question.

Op. We all behave badly from time to time. You behaved badly, when you should have just ignored. The trick now, is to accept you had a bad attitude and behaved like a bitchy 16 year old. Get over it and mind your own business going forward.

Coyoacan · 02/10/2020 17:46

I asked her what she was looking at without an attitude to be honest

You mean you asked conversationally? I honestly cannot picture this.

category12 · 02/10/2020 17:47

Oh come on, it's impossible to ask "what are you looking at it" without an attitude. It's the classic pub-fight starter line along with "did you spill my pint".

At least be honest.

SilenceOfTheEmu · 02/10/2020 17:47

Sounds like Jeremy Kyle type drama to me Hmm
Also why would you say ‘what are you looking at’ - why not be an adult and just ignore? So much drama!

LouHotel · 02/10/2020 17:53

I think you asked with attitude but to be honest I think more women should stand up for yourself.

You need to disengage now, I imagine the cousins parents will eventually want to facilitate making a relationship with their grand child, will be such a shame if their son is a useless twat and you rightfully refuse to be there go between....

newnameforthis123 · 02/10/2020 17:56

I asked her what she was looking at without an attitude to be honest

OP, come on Grin

I'm not saying your assessment of her character is wrong or right but you cannot ask what someone is looking at in a pub, when they're looking at you negatively, and say you had no attitude whilst doing so 😂

araiwa · 02/10/2020 17:57

Jerry Jerry Jerry

marmite79 · 02/10/2020 18:01

The problem is despite your husbands cousin doing very wrong he is still part of their family. What his cousin and his new girlfriend did was wrong. Also your husband and his family don't sound great either. I know you want to remain close to cousins ex BUT it happened. Not right but can't be changed. Remain close to cousins ex and just ignore the cousin and his girlfriend. Yes husband should have stuck up for you but maybe he didn't want more of a scene?

Opentooffers · 02/10/2020 18:15

Lol " what are you looking at?" , the classic line to start things off. You should rise above it if someone looks at you rather than goading, then complaining when it all kicks off.
By now, they will all know that you are not impressed with them, so stoney sil nce is your best option. You've picked a side, which is opposite to your DH's family, and he's stirred the pot, has proved he can't be trusted, so you'll have to not speak to him on th matter either. Hes far from got your back, more like stabbing in the back. If you are not too entangled yourself with his family, and him, might be worth thinking about your future.