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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hasn't stuck up for me

57 replies

Lilly1980 · 02/10/2020 15:43

Hi everyone, I posted on here a few weeks ago about my husband and family not sticking up for me.

The long and short was his cousin had an affair and left his wife when she had just gave birth. The new girlfriends was welcomed in the family immediately which I found disgusting. I have removed myself from the cousin and his girlfriend and continue to support the ex wife who I have been close to for a number of years.

A few weeks ago I was in the pub with my mum and sister, and the cousin and his girlfriend were in the pub with another couple. her friend was starring at me giving me dirty looks so I asked her what she was looking at, she didn't reply so we went to our tablel and sat down. next thing cousins girlfriend walks past our table, she had to go out of her way to do so. We didn't say anything. 10 minutes later she walks back in facing the table and was literally starring down my poor mum. my mum said what are you looking at. she then started shouting at me saying what I said to her friend was disgusting. So I told her that disgusting is sleeping with a married man and him leaving his wife and new baby.

After that the cousins parents came, I have know them over 20 years and we have never had a problem. The father gets in my face, pointing at my face close up, telling me to stay out of there business and then smacks my arm really hard. They were told to leave by the staff.

So the update is, my husband never said a thing to them. Not one thing! nor did my mother in law. Nobody on my husbands side has defended me at all . My husband has told my mother in law that I had called the girl as slag, and this is how it all started. He also said he was pointing his finger in my face, but I smacked his hand away.

So he has shown me he is a complete liar. just like his son. I have told my husband that I feel let down by him and his family for not defending me.

I know it all sounds very school yard, but these people have put my friend through hell. Not only did she just get dropped by her husband, but she has been bullied by them all. It is really awful what they have done. And I feel that they get away with treating people like this all the time, and nobody stands up to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilly1980 · 02/10/2020 19:10

Thank you ladies for your response. araiwa I don’t think there is a need for that. And I appreciate it probably sounds worse than it actually was. I did ask her what she was looking at without an attitude, but I appreciate you can only go on what I have said. Thanks again

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 02/10/2020 20:36

You’ve posted about this same incident before. Did you think you’d get different responses this time round?

peboh · 02/10/2020 20:44

I'm confused as to why you're expecting anyone to stand up for you? I haven't seen any of your other posts so maybe I'm missing something, but the cousin is family so they aren't going to cut them out. You have the right to not want a relationship with them, but you also shouldn't be starting confrontations with your husbands family member who hasn't done anything to you personally.

blueberrypie0112 · 02/10/2020 20:59

They caused a scene where they have no business but so did you in the past. Sometimes you really need to stay out of family affairs. In the end , it is his cousin and he is not going to turn his back and stop talking to his cousin.

Codexdivinchi · 02/10/2020 21:09

Lilly they have closed ranks and know you know where you stand in the family.

Your first post is a bit confusing though. Did your dh tell his mum that you called her a slag and smacked his uncles hand away OR the uncle said it?

Either way - I’ve been there and got the t-shirt. Exdh was similar with his family. It’s up to you where you go from here but in the end I felt trapped and left.

AriesTheRam · 02/10/2020 21:17

He hit you in a pub and noone jumped in?

AllsortsofAwkward · 02/10/2020 21:18

I dont understand why you've got yourself involved it was none of youre business what you're dh cousin did. Support youre friend by all means but you would have stayed out of it. I suspect there's more to the story and you've been very vocal about the ow hence why they were staring at you then you asked them what they were looking at.

mallorytower · 02/10/2020 21:27

I see it differently. Well done OP on sticking up for that poor woman. As someone who has been that woman and turned on by the entire family who I had known for years, I wish I’d had you in my corner. Good for you. You should have chucked a pint of beer over all of them and FYI the girlfriend is a slag and a dirty, shitty little slag at that. You should have spray painted it on her car. Why should they get away with this sort of behaviour. Don’t let them get away with it. They are disgusting low life. Tell everyone and anyone who will listen how vile they are. They deserve to rot.

Original poster
Lilly1980 · 02/10/2020 21:53

Shizz , the post refers to the other post. It’s an update on the fact that my husband has not stuck up for me. Did you not read that?

OP posts:
category12 · 02/10/2020 22:00

Maybe you should build a bridge and get over it.

BackforGood · 02/10/2020 22:17

I agree with everyone else.

You really haven't covered yourself in glory.
You are giving the impression you love a bit of drama.
You have no need to get involved.

The cousin was obviously wrong to have an affair, but, none of us ever know what goes on inside a relationship. It really is not your business. You can remain friends with your friend (his ex wife) without causing drama elsewhere.
People do it all the time. It is called being a grown up rather than an East Enders actor.

jimmyjammy001 · 02/10/2020 22:26

Unfortunately people will cheat all the time because they know that friends/family will turn a blind eye, if people stopped being friends with cheaters as soon as they find out what they have done then there would be very few cheaters around.

wewillmeetagain · 02/10/2020 22:38

I completely disagree with PP who say that you should just stay out of it and stayed civil with the cousin and his girlfriend! I've been in your cousins wife's position and trust me when I say your loyalty will mean the world to her! I lost a lot of respect for some people who played both sides between me and my ex, even though I had done nothing wrong at all! If my brother treated my sister in law this way there is absolutely no way I'd be keeping quiet just for the sake of family harmony and the same goes for my sons if they behaved so terribly. Your husband is a pathetic wimp who obviously has the same views on loyalty as the rest of his family.

monkeymonkey2010 · 02/10/2020 22:45

he not only didn't 'stick up' for you - he also deliberately lied about your actions......

Artandlove · 02/10/2020 22:58

What a shame for your friend to be treated like that. Continue to stand by her, she’ll be needing it.

I’d be thinking this is insightful to how his family would behave towards you if you ever were to split up with your husband!

blueberrypie0112 · 02/10/2020 23:07

You can still stand with his cousin’s ex-wife but you really need to keep it yourself. The cousin has already built a new relationship and this woman may or may not be part of the family...and for life too. You will have no choice but accept it.

LilyWater · 03/10/2020 00:59

Have people missed the part where the man physically assaulted the OP?? Shock

Agree the OP should have handled the situation in a less confrontational way and it's awkward for her husband who is trying to 'keep the peace' but it's weird that her husband apparently didn't intervene in some way when that man crossed the line!

Figgyboa · 03/10/2020 01:13

You shouldn't have engaged with them in the pub, just ignore. It's not really any of your business what happened with the cousin's relationship, I would keep out of it.

REignbow · 03/10/2020 05:57

Wether or not the OP was goading the cousins girlfriend by asking her “what are you looking at”, this did not warrant being assaulted by her husbands uncle.

@Lilly1980 your husband not only hasn’t stuck up for you but he has lied and thinks it’s okay for a relative to assault you (to the point his family were asked to leave).

I couldn’t get past that. He’s shown where his loyalty lies and it certainly is not with his wife.

I’d LTB

IncandescentSilver · 03/10/2020 06:04

The husband's whole family sounds grm and like something out of the Jeremy Kyle show and I wouldn't be happy having married into and now being related to that. But of course the husband should have intervened to stop his, wife being assaulted!

Longdistance · 03/10/2020 06:14

If a relative assaulted me I’d be straight to the police. If you saw the cousin and the girlfriend and knew they’d infuriate you, why didn’t you leave the pub? It would’ve been more of a ‘fuck you’ as you don’t want to see them. And as for going up to them asking them what they’re staring at is spoiling for a fight.
I don’t know what your dh is playing at? But really you shouldn’t have got involved. Not speaking to them would’ve been a better option all round.

Marnie76 · 03/10/2020 06:23

I think ‘can I help you’ would have been the less confrontational way to go on the staring. However, their behaviour was disgusting and your DH should support you at least to his parents and believe you and convey to them exactly what happened.

category12 · 03/10/2020 07:14

Maybe op has a habit of starting bar-fights and her partner doesn't believe her.

dudsville · 03/10/2020 07:30

OP, I think it's a shame you're behaviour is getting all of the attention. Alongside your behaviour, it is oddly childish to stare at someone. I'd forgotten that this was a way of being challenging and reminds me of animal behaviour - the hard stare various animals do to assert dominance in a situation. Everyone in this account is behaving really childishly, and asking your dh defend you at this stage is asking him to get into the fray, and that's not cool. I clicked on the thread because of the title and I was prepared to agree with you, but everyone in this tale of woe needs to needs to learn adult, less animalistic ways of communicating tough feelings.

converseandjeans · 03/10/2020 08:17

It sounds like cousins ex partner has had a lucky escape tbh. They sound awful! She's best off out of it. Just keep supporting her like you are but don't get involved in all the drama.

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