I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

My DH didn’t want a vasectomy.
It’s a bit annoying but I got the mirena and tbh it’s been brilliant for me. I haven’t had a period in 10 months. I’ve had very few side effects.
Vasectomy would have been my first choice because of the success rate. There still a risk of pregnancy with the coil but I was ok with having it.

@TweeBree

OP, you know you don't want the coil and you don't want to use BCP. Absolutely fine.

Lay your cards on the table and tell your husband this. Tell him that until you can come to an agreement, you aren't going to engage in sex. That is not abuse, that's being responsible. You need to come together (so to speak!) to make a decision on how you will move forward.

If he wants to get laid, he will have to be adult about it and discuss the options.

To be fair I don't think anyones position is that what you said is abuse. You're suggesting no sex till a solution is found which is fair. Saying no sex till he gets a vasectomy is a different proposal all together.

I said it's abuse to withhold sex because he won't have an operation - and it is.

It isn't any operation. It's an operation to keep the OP safe, and that relates directly to PIV sex. If PIV sex is risky for the OP because of her DH, then she has every right to refuse it.
It would be abuse if she wanted him to have an operation to stop snoring, for example, and used sex to coerce him.

Is it you that has a problem with condoms or him? Because if he doesnt want to have a vasectomy but is happy to use condoms (properly) then that seems fair enough to me.

Withholding sex to control your partner is considered a form of abuse.

Can't decide between a ROFL emoji or ...

It's not abuse to "withhold sex". What a ridiculous thing to say!

About withholding sex. Quite entertaining.
I particularly like the pre-colonial Nigeria entry.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_strike

I saw one of the GP "fly on the wall" type programmes where they couldn't even refer a man for a vasectomy until his wife/partner had tried all other forms on contraception!! Absolutely outrageous given how many women suffer from the side effects of hormonal contraception.
The copper coil is well reported as likely to make bleeding heavier. The mirena coil (hormonal) is meant to reduce bleeding - seems to work miracles for some and cause no end of grief for others. I bled more days than I didn't and it made mine worse to the point where it came out with massive clots!
I think they push the coil because it's cheap and if it works lasts for 5 years.

He sounds like a selfish twat to be honest. I’m pregnant with my 3rd child, once it is born my husband is booking himself in for the snip. It was him that brought it up, he basically said he’s seen what I’ve had to put up with being on the pill years and then going through pregnancy and childbirth, a little snip is nothing in comparison. Sounds like your husband needs to man up. I’d stop having sex until he’s sorted it to be honest, if he can be selfish so can you.

@Porcupineinwaiting he goes flat within seconds with a condom on so out sex life has nose dived. Oral sex he's happy to receive not too happy to give so I don't bother anymore. Sorry if this is tmi

@Woundedadmiral

space

You could have just said yes.

?? You mean to the point about GPs? Not sure how explaining the incentivisation is a bad thing.

@enjoyeverymoment no that's very clear - condoms are not going to work for him. In that case, yes vasectomy.

What side effects?

He needs to man up. A vasectomy is not a big deal - my DH couldn't believe the fuss that was made after he had his.

His body, his choice. No problem.

Your body, your choice. This is something he has to accept too. You are not undergoing any more interventions to prevent pregnancy.

Start a conversation from that perspective and ask him honestly what he wants to do next because neither of you have the right to force this issue on the other. You may not like what you hear, but at least you know where you stand and what your future looks like.

He sounds like a prince OP.

Honestly, I think right now your choices are:

1. Consider sterilisation for yourself. Which is crap and I see why you wouldn't want to, but there you are.
2. Stop having sex because the risk to you of getting pregnant again, with the corresponding risk to your physical and emotional well being whether you go ahead with the pregnancy or terminate are not risks that I would want to consider [incidentally, in our case, I said if I got pregnant I'd have an abortion and while DH doesn't want more children, he would not want me to have an abortion. And I wouldn't WANT an abortion but would have one anyway. So we both realised there was a huge risk here for both of us and that really crystallised his thinking, even if, in the end, we are now back to condoms]

We didn’t have any issues at all. DH told the GP we were done. GP just asked if he was sure he was done and not just us. DH confirmed that regardless of whatever may happen with us in the future, he did not want any more children. That was it. He didn’t even need to go to hospital as one of the GPs at our practice does minor surgery onsite. He ached for a day then itched a little for a couple of days and that was it.

So no way can it be mandatory practice to refuse a vasectomy unless the wife has exhausted all other forms of contraception. What about the single man who knows he ever wants children?

Funny how some men are happy for their wives to take all the risk associated with using contraception (stroke risk for the pill etc) as well as the risks of not using contraception (pregnancy, childbirth, abortion) but as soon as THEY need to take any risk with their body, suddenly it's completely unreasonable.

This has made me wonder when the contraceptive pill for men will be available, it does seem as though the onus is always on the woman

[quote cheeseismydownfall]The risk of long term issues following a vasectomy is actually quite high, at around 10%. I wasn't aware of this when my husband had his, or I would have encouraged him to think more carefully about it.

Fortunately he hasn't has any issues, but I think the risks are really downplayed.

www.menshealthforum.org.uk/vasectomy-kick-balls[/quote]
I'm always shocked when I see the 10% long term side effect figure for vasectomies in the UK. In the US it's 1-2%.

www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/vasectomy-side-effects

Either we're using more modern surgical procedures than you are or your vasectomies are being done by medical staff who don't do them very often. It's a very minor outpatient procedure.

When we decided to stop at two DC we discussed who would get sterilized, as soon as he understood that it was a much more invasive procedure for me, done under GA, he said "It's on me then" and booked the appointment. That's how that discussion should go.

So it was his appointment to discuss a vasectomy that you were t with him & the GP suggested you have the coil fitted?

Wonder what would have happened if you hadn't been there?

For the record, this is abusive. To withhold an important and intimate part of a relationship until a man surrenders the basic right to determine what happens to his own body is abuse. Disgusting.
No it’s not abuse. OP has as much right to not put her body through taking any more chances and trauma than she already has. He was all happy and fine when they were rolling the dice for her, wasn’t he? Yes, he has a right to decide about his body. But OP also has a right to not take any more chances than she has already. Do you have any suggestions that can help OP not take a chance and that do not involve stopping sex? Think not. So why don’t you be fair and just instead?

We planned our first child and I had an IUD (copper 7) fitted afterwards within 2 years I was pregnant !

After DC2 we went on the waiting list for him to have a vasectomy (1-2 year wait).

I got pregnant with twins!! Whilst using a condom.

Reader, we paid (on the credit card) for a private vasectomy.

He has had no problems since, suggest vasectomy or castration as the only 2 options

@showgirlie

This has made me wonder when the contraceptive pill for men will be available, it does seem as though the onus is always on the woman

They stopped the trial because the poor men started to have depression! It’s obviously very unreasonable for anyone to have to go through that to stop preganancies. Oh hang on!

Is he even worth it? Seriously?

"Is sterilization safe?
Tubal ligation is super safe, and very few people have complications. But like all medical procedures, there are possible risks.

In general, vasectomy (also called male sterilization) is an easier procedure and has fewer risks than female sterilization."

Shock.

www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/sterilization/how-safe-tubal-ligation

@MissConductUS, yes, the Dr who did DH’s said it was a 1-2% risk too. We’re in the UK. He also said, included in those figures was men who had pain that lasted for longer than 7 days but sometimes only as long as 10days. He told DH he’d likely ache for a day then feel a little discomfort or itch for another few days. This is exactly how it played out for DH. Incidentally, he did a lot of vasectomies. Patients from many local GPs came to him plus he held a private clinic.