I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

[hippospot]

I offered to have my tubes tied but it would mean GA and hospital overnight and him taking a week minimum off work to take care of me and the DCs.

He realised that vasectomy is a much less invasive procedure and offered to do it instead. Home immediately afterwards and sore for a day or two. No regrets.

I didn't handle hormonal contraceptive well and bled heavily for 10 days on the copper coil. He didn't want to use condoms. I was adamant I couldn't face an abortion if we had an accident.

[Woundedadmiral]

Why do GPs always push the coil? Do they get paid for it or something?

I read in the paper last week that they do, in a round about way.

[SpaceOP]

[quote enjoyeverymoment]@SpaceOP when I spoke to my husband i reminded him how I had to sign a consent form for the section which indicated death as a risk. I signed it without a thought. His answer was well that would have been a low risk[/quote]
Sorry, he's being a bit of a twat isn't he? Yup we sign forms that tell us we can die. Sure, fairly rare, but it does happen. And it's the worst case. We also sign all kinds of other forms for less serious but still dangerous things - the same form talks about risk of damage in bowel and bladder (my doctor pointed it out 3 times as things had already got that bad and she wasn't hugely optimistic... ) and while I was lucky (long story in which "lucky" isn't really how I'd describe the outcome), we all know women who have had one or more bits of their inside permanently damaged as a result of pregnancy/birth.

Plus all those annoying little additional side affects which vary from woman to woman. My personal favourite (not really) is the one where I can't lie on my back any more without excessive pain within minutes (DH has firm instructions that if I'm ever in a coma he has to insist that they lie me on my side otherwise I'll be paralysed on waking up. 12 hours post c-section was bad enough).

But then let's not forget how many people love to say things like, "The body knows best - women have been giving birth for millions of years." without thinking about or even acknowledging how many women and babies have been killed or seriously hurt in childbirth.

Sorry, this is a bit of a bug bear of mine and can make me so angry I can barely see straight.

[Inkpaperstars]

@JunkCrumpet but if the OP decided no sex because her husband insisted she get an abortion if she falls pregnant that would be fair enough. He is expecting sex at potential great cost to her body and mind there.

Some men don't want to get vasectomies because in the back of their mind they like the idea that they might leave and could attract another woman who wanted children without any reversal op issues.

[Woundedadmiral]

Withholding sex to control your partner is considered a form of abuse.

Er, not having sex because you don't want an unwanted pregnancy and don't want to have a coil fitted is a right.

The fact that she would sleep with him if contraception was sorted is a red herring. She's not forcing him to do anything at all.

[SpaceOP]

"Why do GPs always push the coil? Do they get paid for it or something?"

Longer term, the coil is considered the best combination of safe/cheap contraception so the NHS is incentivised to get as many women on it as possible.

[Woundedadmiral]

space

You could have just said yes.

[JunkCrumpet]

@Woundedadmiral

Withholding sex to control your partner is considered a form of abuse.

Er, not having sex because you don't want an unwanted pregnancy and don't want to have a coil fitted is a right.

The fact that she would sleep with him if contraception was sorted is a red herring. She's not forcing him to do anything at all.

There are other forms of contraception. DEMANDING that he have an operation is abuse. I would leave. That day.
If DH said to me that he's not having sex with me unless I give him full and total control over a medical decision (and knowing he will choose against my wishes) then I would be gone. A person who does that cannot be trusted to have your best interests at heart.
I can't see you thinking it's ok for him to demand she gets a coil so I'm wondering why you're so hypocritical.

[shartsi]

I had a tubal ligation. I didn't want to leave my reproduction choices in another person's hands.

[JunkCrumpet]

[quote Inkpaperstars]@JunkCrumpet but if the OP decided no sex because her husband insisted she get an abortion if she falls pregnant that would be fair enough. He is expecting sex at potential great cost to her body and mind there.

Some men don't want to get vasectomies because in the back of their mind they like the idea that they might leave and could attract another woman who wanted children without any reversal op issues.[/quote]
Her husband can't insist on jack shit all if she gets pregnant. OP has the entire right to decide whether she has an abortion or not.
Even if he is thinking he doesn't want an abortion because he might want to leave in the future and have children with another woman, that is his goddamn right to do! That's his right! That is up to him. It is his choice because it is his body.

[Lweji]

For the record, I have a mirena and hardly any bleeding. I haven't noticed any hormonal side effects. (except perhaps regarding orgasms, and not in a bad way)

I would make a list of all the options and the pros and cons to analyse with him.

And remind him that your body has been taking the brunt for all your children and contraception thus far.
His possible side effects are minor compared to the risks that you have taken from the moment that you got pregnant and every time you took hormones.
If you do get pregnant at any time, and condoms are not the safest method at all, your body will be the one that suffers.

Now is the time for him to take some responsibility and some of the risk for reproduction (or lack of) in the couple.

No penetrative sex seems to be your best course of action in this case, and I wouldn't be giving bjs either.

[NellyJames]

The risks of a vasectomy are far less than the risks of pregnancy and childbirth.

Of course it’s his choice but it’s equally your choice to refuse to have sex unless he takes full responsibility for contraception from now on. With complete understanding than if you fall pregnant then you will be having the baby and that the pregnancy was his responsibility to prevent. That way no chance of him blaming you for it.

[BubblyBarbara]

You do know that you're still married if you don't have sex right? Put the ball in his court. No sex till he sorts the situation out and makes a decision. Being "afraid" is not really very manly is it

[Lweji]

Just a reminder to all pps:

Sex doesn't have to involve penis in vagina.

What the OP can certainly refuse is the risk of a pregnancy, and thus PiV sex. They could still have a healthy sex life.

[feelingverylazytoday]

JunkCrumpet could you talk anymore shit if you tried? There is no obligation to have sex in a relationship. It is not a right or a responsibility on either party, consent is a basic human right. If the OP doesn't want to have sex for any reason that is her right.

[TastelessBracelets]

DH refused.
I was happy to be sterilised but not offered on the NHS in our area at the time. I offered to go private, DH would not commit to taking the time off work to look after the DC during or after my operation. So we stopped having sex because I was fuming at him.

He got a vasectomy. Walked there on a Saturday morning, walked home (I had offered to collect him, which was more than he was prepared to for my hypothetical sterilisation) and went back to work on the Monday morning.

[MulticolourMophead]

But then let's not forget how many people love to say things like, "The body knows best - women have been giving birth for millions of years." without thinking about or even acknowledging how many women and babies have been killed or seriously hurt in childbirth.

Yes, people forget that in nature, survivial of the species only requires enough to survive the birth, not all....

OP, I think pointing out to him that you're not interested in an abortion should you get pregnant might just concentrate his attention somewhat.

[ChickensMightFly]

His attitude is horrible. ALL the risks on you is completely fine (unwanted pregnancy+possible abortion, hormonal disruption from implants etc etc) and he won't consider for a moment taking on any himself but still wants an active sex life. Wow.
Your sex life is a joint thing so the solutions to contraception should be considered jointly surely, how is anything else even close to fair?

If it helps your conversation with him, the vasectomy in our house took 5 minutes (Was amazed how quick. Tiny incision, one small singe, job done - so I was told) at the GP surgery (regular visiting clinic) and caused no issues, he was thrilled with the result - peace of mind for fun sex.

[willitbetonight]

My husband was meant to have a vasectomy after number 3. We now have 5 children. I strongly recommend that you use the abstinence method until he gets it sorted!

[madcatladyforever]

How pathetic, you have undergone miscarriages and three births and he won't have the snip - pathetic.
Tell him no sex again until he does, you have every right. Why should all the horrible procedures and chemicals be down to you?
I've ejected 4 coils, they came right out extremely painfully, can't take any chemicals as it kills my libido and in the end had sterilisation which brough forth a very early menopause which killed both my libido and my marriage.
And your husband is too pathetic to have a vasectomy?

[MMmomDD]

Coil works really well for many people, and not at all for some.
It is really an easy solution if it worked for you. And you don’t get mood swings like on the pill.
You don’t know how it’ll affect you until you actually try it. And removing the coil if it doesn’t work for you is quite easy.

To be fair - vasectomy is a lot more invasive and carries more risks than coil.
And if I were a man - I’d not want to have one either. The list of potential side effects is nasty and even if it’s a smallish chance - it’s still possible.

That all said - he is being scared and defensive, and dismissive of your experiences. If he is normally not this horrible - I am assuming it’s the fear talking.
Loss of their ‘maleness’ in the form of erections is terrifying to them, and I don’t think we as women’s can fully comprehend that.

Instead of being combative and comparing who sacrificed what - and with childbearing men can’t ever win, due to nature - I think you should try to talk as a couple. And see what various options mean.

[pointythings]

Well, it is his body. And it is his choice. And it is also his consequences. Make this very clear.

[JunkCrumpet]

@feelingverylazytoday

JunkCrumpet could you talk anymore shit if you tried? There is no obligation to have sex in a relationship. It is not a right or a responsibility on either party, consent is a basic human right. If the OP doesn't want to have sex for any reason that is her right.

I never said there was an obligation to have sex in a relationship - can you not read? I said it's abuse to withhold sex because he won't have an operation - and it is. It is documented as abuse, I provided multiple links which list it as abuse. Not one person saying it's not abuse think it would be acceptable for him to withhold sex until OP got a coil. Like you said "consent is a basic human right" so abusing him into consenting to an operation is a violation of that basic human right.

[CoronaIsADick]

Why does it fall to you to have the burden of contraception.
I completely get the whole not wanting to pump your body full of hormones.
We had ivf and for 3 years I was pumped with hormones etc. We luckily have twins now and I really didn't want to go back on contraception, pumping more hormones into my body and I'd read so many horror stories about the copper coil it put me off. My OH was actually the one who suggested he would have a vasectomy so I wouldn't have to go onto contraception. We are only 32 but we know that even if we could get pregnant ( which chances are extremely slim) we are more than happy and didn't want to take the risk. The procedure itself he was in and out within an hour and he was perfectly fine, just had to take it easy for 2 weeks. No side affects, nothing.
I think after everything you have been through (miscarriages etc) he should be willing to atleast consider it. I really feel that alot of men think that having it somehow lessens their masculinity, which is ridiculous.
The only other suggestion is to just use condoms or refuse sex

[TweeBree]

OP, you know you don't want the coil and you don't want to use BCP. Absolutely fine.

Lay your cards on the table and tell your husband this. Tell him that until you can come to an agreement, you aren't going to engage in sex. That is not abuse, that's being responsible. You need to come together (so to speak!) to make a decision on how you will move forward.

If he wants to get laid, he will have to be adult about it and discuss the options.