I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

I have had two CSs, traumatic labours, miscarriages, years on the pill etc and DH has had a vasectomy. Which set of experiences was more traumatic? Surprisingly, the vasectomy. I had easy CS recoveries and bounced back, I've moved on from the curve balls and heartbreaks. DH was one of the 10% who experience longterm complications. He needed further surgery, developed painful cysts and still feels pain a decade later.

It has to be a discussion with full awareness of the facts. Not a dismissal like he is currently suggesting. He needs to engage with a decision that is going to affect both your lives, including understanding the risks and responsibilities. Surgical choices remain with the individual but after an informed chat, not after refusing to engage with the issue at hand.

Why do GPs always push the coil? Do they get paid for it or something?

Yes they do

There are HUGE issues with the Mirena coil, it's a "mesh scandal" waiting to happen imo

It's virtually impossible these days to get female sterilisation on the nhs

My dad is a selfish arse in many ways but mum had a horrific time with hormonal contraception so when their family was most definitely complete he had the snip. To his mind mum went through enough having us all and the issues with hormones it was least he could do but especially as despite being "lightweight" catholics neither would have felt comfortable with abortion.

@wombat1a and many many women are suffering the effects of unwanted pregnancy and issues with contraception many years later too, everything has risks men should be willing to accept the risks too

In your position I wouldn't just be using condoms I'd also be avoiding piv sex at most fertile times

A coil is more likely to make periods lighter than heavier please DO provide robust experiential evidence beyond your own of this! Because there are tons of reports online from women with the exact opposite experience who's hcps have denied and not recorded their experience

Again also "it really doesn't hurt" it didn't hurt YOU doesn't mean the experience of others who DID have pain from the coil - insertion and during use - is invalid

It's NOT abusive to refuse to give consent for sex EVER! Disgusting comment!

Although, of course, at the end of the day it is his body so his decision I do think he is being selfish.

When me and DH decided we didn't want children we were only in our 20's so no way did we want to spend years worrying about contraception.

I said I would get sterilised but DH was adamant that it was a much bigger operation than him having a vasectomy.

He has never had any problems. He only had 1 day off work. I would likely have needed quite a bit longer than that

I can see both sides here TBH. People who say you should withhold sex with DH unless he gets the snip ,are putting you in a difficult position. Maybe he will have to learn to live with Condoms for a while ,and he will have to accept the consequences if you become pregnant again! I wonder why the GP was so dismissive of a vasectomy though?

@GunsAndShips

I have had two CSs, traumatic labours, miscarriages, years on the pill etc and DH has had a vasectomy. Which set of experiences was more traumatic? Surprisingly, the vasectomy. I had easy CS recoveries and bounced back, I've moved on from the curve balls and heartbreaks. DH was one of the 10% who experience longterm complications. He needed further surgery, developed painful cysts and still feels pain a decade later.

It has to be a discussion with full awareness of the facts. Not a dismissal like he is currently suggesting. He needs to engage with a decision that is going to affect both your lives, including understanding the risks and responsibilities. Surgical choices remain with the individual but after an informed chat, not after refusing to engage with the issue at hand.

"Not a dismissal like he is currently suggesting". It sounds to me like they discussed it, researched it and spoke to a medical professional before he decided he wasn't prepared to do it. They've had the discussion and he, very reasonably, has said no. He has had an "informed chat", he has engaged. He's made an informed decision.

Condoms.

@Graphista If OP said "DH is refusing to have sex with me unless I get a coil fitted" I'm certain you'd think that's abusive. Do you think that would be abusive behaviour?

Like @JunkCrumpet I don't want to be that person, but my DH had a vasectomy and it was great. No side affects that I'm aware of. I don't worry, he doesn't worry and he can't feel the coil anymore, win, win, win.

Not sure how my story actually helps you, that was my experience and as my mum says "puss and dawg don't have the same luck!.

If I were in your shoes, and I was worried I wouldn't feel comfortable enough to have sex and if I really didn't want any children, we'd have to come to a decision to fool around but no penetration.

@wombat1a and many many women are suffering the effects of unwanted pregnancy and issues with contraception many years later too, everything has risks men should be willing to accept the risks too

This. I don't blame men for not wanting vasectomies and, as I said to DH when he didn't go through with it, at the end of the day it is his body and his choice. I believe that completely.

But please, let's not pretend that a man's vasectomy risk is this massive deal when women are dealing with high levels of risk throughout the process of conceiving, being pregnant and giving birth. For gods sake, never mind anything else it's fascinating how everyone knows about the risk of vasectomies but so many women are never even told that there are risks from pregnancy. They're just expected to suck it up.

@JunkCrumpet. What you are describing is the Mirena coil, which although makes periods lighter or non-existant, but it does that by use of hormones which the OP doesn't want.
I had one, they had difficulty getting it in - 20mins of painful fumbling, coming out, lots of pain and a fair bit of blood indicating some damage as was not on a period. So no, it doesn't slip in and out easy for everyone, you just had a better experience.

I wouldn’t want my tubes tied, and I don’t think I’d want a vasectomy if I was a man. Chances of them going wrong are probably low, but the side effects when they do seem awful. Thankfully I seem to tolerate the pill fine right now, but if and when that changes, I’d expect a conversation... and I think we’d probably have to settle on condoms if neither of us want children.

I appreciate that you want to feel like he’s considered it because you already feel that you’ve done enough to your body, but he seems to already know his view, and agreeing to think about it when he’s not really going to consider it wouldn’t be doing you any favours. It’d be misleading you. I don’t think I’d ever chat to friends about vasectomies/having my tubes tied either, maybe once I’d made my mind up, but I’d want to be sure in my decision first. I appreciate many people do like to discuss these things with close friends, but he might be like me and just hate the idea.

You have to talk. You can’t unilaterally decide on one solution any more than he can. It sounds like either of you having surgery is off the table. So what’s left?

And as a separate conversation, his comments on you, forcing children and abortions are pretty bad... and they need addressing too. I wouldn’t even find him “joking” about you forcing a third child on him to his friends funny. There appears to be some resentment there and I’d expect him to be able to talk about it like an adult and resolve it...

DH was one of the 10% who experience longterm complications

Source for 10%?

@Graphista Here are some links to try and educate yourself. Withholding sex to control your partner is considered a form of abuse. www.allure.com/story/emotional-abuse-signs-relationship www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/withholding-intimacy-can-be-abusive-too www.gentlepathmeadows.com/withholding-sex-is-a-form-of-psychological-abuse/ themendproject.com/emotional-abuse-withholding/ www.poweroftwomarriage.com/info/abusive-relationships/

The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

It would leave it exactly where it already is - looking very dubious indeed, because the person you are married to has shown himself to be the kind of self-serving shit it's really hard to respect or fancy.

Just tell him you don't want to hear any more whataboutery - oooh I would have stopped at two/oh well I DIDN'T really want this or that - tell him you have the message loud and clear, thanks - when there's the prospect of him stepping up to the plate to take on some of the hard yards - he's nowhere to be seen, tail between his legs. Yuk. Hard to want to have sex with someone who you know is like this, so I guess condoms it is, when you can muster up the enthusiasm.

The risk of long term issues following a vasectomy is actually quite high, at around 10%. I wasn't aware of this when my husband had his, or I would have encouraged him to think more carefully about it.

Fortunately he hasn't has any issues, but I think the risks are really downplayed.

www.menshealthforum.org.uk/vasectomy-kick-balls

JunkCrumpet
Everyone's different - I had terribly heavy and painful periods on the coil. Maybe they've improved it as it was a long time ago - but I had friends then who said the same as you. In fact it was on the recommendation of one of them that I had it fitted. Previously I had been on the pill (for years!). I didn't have the coil replaced after the second time and said we either had to use condoms or one of us would have to have an op - I offered for it to be me, but our GP said it was a much simpler procedure for him.

Eventually ExH did have a vasectomy but then took ages to get round to going to have the post op check up (that his sperm were inactive, or whatever it is they check) so we ended up using condoms for a lot longer anyway. TBH the condom use bothered him more than it did me so I let him crack on.

He had an affair a few years later and was sad that he couldn't have any more children with OW. I of course played my tiny violin (she dumped him in any case.) Then he left anyway and married someone else who already had children.

@SpaceOP when I spoke to my husband i reminded him how I had to sign a consent form for the section which indicated death as a risk. I signed it without a thought. His answer was well that would have been a low risk

@SourcePlease

DH was one of the 10% who experience longterm complications

Source for 10%?

Between 2-33% depending in the research

www.pop.org/problems-side-effects-men-vasectomy/?cf_chl_jschl_tk=d4d5de5537f5d6df27be3012af5b8a98f0aeb522-1601558317-0-AUBv5urFB4wST5yY_eYHFcAyJ1EG_ExzHa5e5ELlnhGZ8cDa00NeStaFv9eGudo0HM19E9_B1ABA6KGylzjy6Hbbm7rNS5pOLMnfP-47gS6lISHqVcyzZ4m_nDFY2XoqtG2HBjaS5mtt1IzKnV2h1_iYhOxPWaP_LsN8hJ6su9hnkRlfEX49ZsYonztlBBV6rH6q5uOu30Y4wL_q17iZQf-eIsLYnf_e9SUNTMZf0IjEugzWUl1TQ5gpN5usUXMT9TXibln9YzA7g9xI6p_QY-twe1PbI4xOuiBRS4NWINxTbshqpBnC4_fTx9BxKVLNcg

@gamerchick they get paid for every long term form of contraception. They don't like if you ask for them to be removed early

Having a similar problem!

2 young DC, I'm 26 but have had years being on different pills (since age 12 for acne)

Doctor was VERY pushy on my having the coil or an implant but my body is so sensitive to EVERYTHING and even a slight hormone change can knock me for 6.
The pills really aren't working for me anymore, so many side effects.

I'm generally a better person when I'm just 'natural'

Husband is very openly scared of having a vasectomy. He agrees it probably the best thing to do long term but is absolutely petrified.

It’s his turn to step up and handle contraception. Even if it wasn’t, Vasectomies are the lowest risk lowest side effect option. You are right that the other viable option is to not have penetrative sex while you are still fertile. It is far from ideal, but I wouldn’t be excited about being intimate with someone who had watched me deal with contraception and pregnancy for years and wasn’t willing to take his turn.

Eventually ExH did have a vasectomy but then took ages to get round to going to have the post op check up (that his sperm were inactive, or whatever it is they check) so we ended up using condoms for a lot longer anyway. TBH the condom use bothered him more than it did me so I let him crack on.

Also, in our house, responsibility for purchasing condoms is 100% DH's. I point blank refuse to engage with it at all. My view is that I've done my bit on the contraception front and I'm not picking this one up too.

The risk of complications from an iud or anything with hormones is quite high.

I had the mirena coil in for 4 months. I had to have it removed as I was in agony with it. It was incredibly painful but it also chemically really impacted on my mental health and took me at least a year to recover from it. I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole again.. it's dangerous.

People say it hurts going in and out but they're just scaremongering, it really doesn't hurt

BALLS Asked everyone have you?