How can I stop being snappy? Worried it will ruin relationship

[SnappyCrocodile33]

Hi everyone,

I've NC for this.

I've been with my other half for 4 years we have two young children.

Growing up my mum and dad would always snap at eachother, but they'd be over it very quickly and things would get back to normal.
I've realised over the years that I am unable to control being snappy and I think my partner is becoming distant because of it.

I get frustrated when I have to repeat myself, and example of me being snappy:

I take the kids to a toddler class every Tuesday, it's the only class I take them to and I've told OH many times what class it is. It's on quite early in the morning so I was rushing to get out the door as I was worried I'd be late and he asks me "what's the toddler class?" And I shouted at him "the puppet class!". I was snappy and frustrated as I was just thinking to myself "how many times do I have to tell him!"

I know I'm being horrible, and it's always things like this, I'm fine afterwards but he isn't. I do apologise. Sometimes I manage to curb it and answer nicely but I do find it's if I'm busy or in the middle of something that I snap.

I don't want to be like this. Any advice ?

It sounds as though you are frustrated by having to be the one that takes control of everything, and snapping as a result, due to the resentment over it.
I would suggest a chat with your partner about sharing responsibilities as it's not fair that it always falls to you.
That said, it's not fair on him to be on the arse end of the snapping, and he may get to a point where he begins to snaps back and then you may end up falling into a negative pattern of arguing, which is not healthy for anyone.
Get to the root of the problem, tell him you are frustrated and exasperated and go from there.

As someone who can be a bit snappy and very impatient myself, I do sympathise.

However...... you do need to be careful here about taking on all the blame. You snapping is not the answer, obviously, but in the scenario about it seems to me that it's very easy for your DP to use your snappy and rude response as a way to avoid having to take responsibility for the fact that he was in the wrong. And that does concern me.

Deep breathes really are your friend here. I have found that if I stop for just a nano second and thing, I can modify my behaviour (mostly). If the reason I am snapping is unreasonable - eg, in my case, I find it quite difficult to focus when there's a lot of different sensory, especially auditory, inputs and I can get very irrationally snappy if someone asks me something while there's music in the background and I'm trying to figure out a recipe, for example. Clearly, that is NOT okay. My brief pause and breath allows me to see that. Often, I'l then ask the person to give me a second while I pull my mind off whatever I'm doing, move into another room to avoid noise or whatever.

In a scenario like the one you've described above, my deep breath and pause would give me a second to think, in my head, "FFS" then say calmly but firmly - I have told you this 10 times.

DH appreciates the effort I make. He also accepts that sometimes it's hard for me because he doesn't process plans and next steps as quickly as I do so we meet half way.

BIL and SIl on the other hand have a situation where BIL gets away with appalling behaviour, all the time, because the moment she loses her temper or snaps at him, she is immediately the ultimate baddy and he does not have to take responsibility for any of his actions.

I'm really not sure there is enough in the OP to make the leaps that previous posters have that her OH is some how wrong about something or doesn't take responsibility. Think there is a bit of prejudice colouring views there.

Anyway, the reality is that you don't resolve issues by being snappy and aggressive. Have a look at some techniques (breathing, meditation, even mindfulness) to try and recognise when you are bubbling over and control it.

I can't comment on particular situations, but I used to be quite snappy in general and it was down to low blood sugar. Try eating more complex carbs and have a snack if you feel hungry. It did help me immensely

@Hopoindown31

I'm really not sure there is enough in the OP to make the leaps that previous posters have that her OH is some how wrong about something or doesn't take responsibility. Think there is a bit of prejudice colouring views there.

Anyway, the reality is that you don't resolve issues by being snappy and aggressive. Have a look at some techniques (breathing, meditation, even mindfulness) to try and recognise when you are bubbling over and control it.

Partly true. But to be honest, if he's complaining because she's snapping at him constantly in different situations such as if doesn't greet her when he comes in, or puts a mug in the sink instead of straight into the dishwasher or even worse, proactively eg apropos of nothing she snaps at him that it's time to get changed to go out or asking where the remote control is, those examples would all be 100% about her.

So either OP is attempting to make us think that her snapping isn't so bad and she's stacking the deck against him as it were or these are the types of examples that happen all the time and he's successfully made her think that snapping is the problem.

The former seems unlikely based on her tone and the question she's asking. So the latter seems more likely.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We are very different as in when I snap, I'm quickly over it, I'll go from 0-100 and then straight back to 0 again and I'll be ok. Whereas he holds it all in and bottles it up until it comes out in other ways e.g being distant, less cuddles, quieter etc.

I think one of my issues is that I hate repeating myself! I don't know why! So if I make the effort to tell him something and he asks me about it later I will be irritated as I've already told him!

Argh! Why am I like this?!

I'm a SAHM, he works from home. He is a good father to the kids and he will always make time to give me a break if I want one, and we take turns every morning with the kids so the other person gets a lie in!

My world is probably quite small, so these things get to me more than they normally would and my partner gets to see the real me. If I was at work or with a friend I'd definitely be more mindful of my response even if I did think "FFS!" But OH gets my real response , unfortunately.

I will try deep breathing and to take a second before responding to him. It's difficult as I usually snap at him when I'm in the middle of a task.

I don't snap for things like where the remote control is, or to him to hurry up and get ready....I do snap that he leaves the car key upstairs or somewhere random in the house when it has a home downstairs! Then I have to try to find it ...even typing this makes me mad! Haha.

okay, so I assume that while you're working on your snapping, he's going to be working on a) making more effort to listen and b) not sulking so much?

@SpaceOP I'm yet to have a longer chat with him, we spoke briefly this morning but kids/work got in the way.

He will definitely make the effort though.

OP, I could have written your post! I also get frustrated at having to repeat myself especially as we speak in his native language so it takes just that extra bit of effort for me.

I really appreciate your post @SpaceOP as I also get most snappy when faced with external sensory input, especially auditory like you. Incidentally, I've wondered for years if I might have ASD as I seem to have quite a few other traits. I get irrationally annoyed in exactly the situations you have described and also when I've explained something to my DH before realising he's not actually listening and I'll have to repeat myself.

I remember being in a silent rage at my birthday dinner with friends once and I didn't know why until I realised the people at the other table were talking loudly which, coupled with my friends also talking, meant that I had total sensory overload. No one else had even noticed.

As OP said, I'm the real me at home (poor DH ) and manage to mask it when around others. I wish I could just be a nice and respectful person at home, especially as I want to model that to my DC. I had an excellent therapist for many years and I feel this is as good as it gets, as it were. Unfortunately, I think this is just me; impatient and snappy despite my best efforts not to be

I really appreciate your post @SpaceOP as I also get most snappy when faced with external sensory input, especially auditory like you. Incidentally, I've wondered for years if I might have ASD as I seem to have quite a few other traits. I get irrationally annoyed in exactly the situations you have described and also when I've explained something to my DH before realising he's not actually listening and I'll have to repeat myself.

It's always been a thing for me but got worse. I actually thought it was a problem with my hearing and went to get my ears checked. they were fine but he told me that he suspects I have a mild auditory processing disorder and that it seems worse now because life is busier and noisier. Combined with the fact that DS has confirmed Sensory Processing Disorder, it's actually easier now because I understand better and instead of getting irrationally furious, I work hard to implement control techniques (and avoid certain situations completely now - DH and I have agreed that I almost never do evening fair type activities. The dark nd noise seem to combine to make me so unpleasant to be around that it's unbearable for all of us. If I do have to do them for school or something, I can psych myself up in advance to prepare mentally. Which is a relief for the DC!)

[quote SnappyCrocodile33]@SpaceOP I'm yet to have a longer chat with him, we spoke briefly this morning but kids/work got in the way.

He will definitely make the effort though.[/quote]
Good. because as i said, snapping isn't okay. But his behaviour is not blameless here quite frankly.

Constantly snapping at someone runs deeper than being frustrated or impatient (whether it's justified or not). At the heart of it, its displaying to them that you don't respect them. And doing it in front of others is shaming them also. It's abusive and to suggest it's just said and forgotten is glib. It demeans another person, and can sap their self esteem, especially if they put up with it because they love you.
Unfortunately-putting up with it just makes the person weak in they eyes of the 'snapper' - so they feel even less respect for them and snap even more, until it becomes constant.

And yes - as the person loses self esteem and confidence they start to believe they are incompetent and deserve to be spoken to badly because they can't remember things or get things right and they fail at things through the lack of confidence that creates incompetence.
His sulking, silent, cooling off response is because he's hurt that you speak that way OP while also believing that he 'deserves' it but that if you loved him you'd be more tolerant. If he were stronger he'd be more assertive-you'd respect him more, and snap less.
So a vicious circle I think OP.

He needs to work on his confidence, self belief and compentance - and take on responsibilities on positively.
You need to respect him or leave him, to repair and improve himself, and both find a more equal relationship, either with each other or someone else.

@spaceop are there parts of the OPs posts I can't see?

You seem to have a lot more info on OP's partner's behaviour than I can see in her posts. Forgetting about a toddler group and leaving the car keys in the wrong place at hardly crimes of the century!

@Babaoreally

I don’t do it in front of our friends, often there’s no need to- even with the stress of toddlers!
I meant that I forget it after I snap, obviously my partner does not. I don’t blame him.

The thing is that I DO respect him, our relationship otherwise is good, I always listen to and take on his point of view and I do my best to not snap at him. I just don’t feel heard by him sometimes, and maybe we could turn it around and say he doesn’t respect me considering that he doesn’t listen/try to remember what I’ve said? Just asking.

He definitely doesn’t put up with my snapping, i don’t see him as ‘weak’ either. I just don’t want to repeat myself all the time!

Perhaps you are right though, and I just haven’t seen it yet.

@Hopoindown31 I know, definitely not crimes of the century!

I don't want to be snappy.

Snappy, baboreally post is outstanding, please read it and digest it. Do n’t listen to the its really his fault posts, that’s like violent men saying she makes me hit her. You choose to snap, you can stop if you want to

For similar childhood reasons I have had snappiness problems a lot of my life. PP have covered some causes. PMS / low blood sugar /tiredness was a big one for me.
I got better at the deep breath and biting my lip bit, but also at the swift walk back, if I had snapped... "Oh god sorry I shouldn't have snapped. It's puppets. Give me a hug and repeat after me, 'the toddler class is puppets''. See you later!"

If you dont have the normal self control adults have to stop snappy angry outbursts you describe then you need to go to anger management class and get advice/therapy to put tools into practice to change your behaviour. Some others on this thread who have the same angry outbursts as you will try to minimise it but quite frankly if it's happening more than a one off I don't blame him at all if he leaves you for it. Certainly likely he could leave you in the future as it must be building up understandable resentment. Most people would not put up with it and I certainly wouldn't.

I'm sure you have your own bad habits that he could snap at you about but he doesn't because he has self control and respects you.

I really hope you don't snap at your own children OP as that will be having a detrimental effect on them. It's also bad that they're witnessing you doing it to their dad as they will grow up thinking it's normal to treat other people in their lives that way and will replicate it in their own relationships in the future. It's good you're self aware enough to have recognised this trait you have and its origin so you can do something about it.

Just seen that you choose to control yourself in front of others but choose to unleash the snapping on your partner. Presumably because you know you can get away with it with him. I'm sure too that it's contributing to his own negative behaviour towards you. Your issue is therefore not being able to control it, it's choosing not to control it. If you have a beef with him then resolve it or delay answering. But your problem will be solved when you start treating your boyfriend with the same respect and value as you would treat other people...

Wow. OP, you've described the issues between me and my wife.

She snaps at me. I find it hurtful, disrespectful and unnecessary. She is instantly over it, whereas I'm still asking in my mind what the heck did I do to deserve that!? I don't deliberately mis-hear things. I don't set out to forget which gym sessions it is our DD has this week. I wouldn't snap at my wife when she's late home from work and the dinner I made has gone cold, and she didn't tell me she'd be late (happens a lot) . I wouldn't snap at her when she has not put away the laundry I've done for her. She is brilliant with dates, times, organisation. I'm brilliant with our finances, the laundry, cooking and housework. But my mistakes warrant snapping, apparently. If she doesn't hear me, I have zero problem with re-stating what is it I said, because there are a thousand reasons why someone might not catch what you said. But I dread saying pardon to her.

At least you recognise there is an issue and you wish to find ways to deal with it (just as I understand I'm not perfect and sometimes I probably deserve it).

I've spoken to my wife about it many times over the years, that I have a huge problem with the way she speaks to me sometimes, but she simply doesn't recognise there's an issue. I almost feel like I'm being gaslighted.

I've noticed it's really related to her stress levels, related to her job. Over lockdown, where she's been off work for months, we've been the happiest we've ever been together. Now she's back and I can sense her sweetness and light is being switched off again. I've learned coping strategies. I avoid her when I can sense she's tense and snappy.

I dread holidays. She gets so stressed on the day of the holiday, it takes her till day 3 of the holiday until she's started to chill. By the end of the two weeks she's a different person and I dread coming home to normality where the lovely person I married disappears again.

Sorry, I'll stop there. Don't want to hijack your post.

It’s emotional abuse

@Northernparent68 I don’t think it’s really his fault. I’m sure I do things that irritate him but he manages not to snap at me. I know it’s horrible, and I know it’s my problem.

I've realised over the years that I am unable to control being snappy and I think my partner is becoming distant because of it.

Sorry, but you're "unable to control yourself?" Do you snap at shop workers, the postman, strangers when out in public? I doubt it. You could control yourself, you choose not to. This is like an abusive man saying he "can't help it" when he abuses his partner. No one tolerates that lame excuse.

@GreenRoadSigns Thank you. I will try to take a deep breath before opening my mouth.

@LilyWater

Thank you for your reply

I’m definitely going to do something about this, or it will kill my relationship. I know that.
I grew up in a snappy household, it’s still the way that we communicate with eachother! It’s awful.

I don’t want my kids to pick this up from me the way I did from my parents.

When we are with other people we are so busy socialising or watching the kids that I have no reason to snap. He also seems to listen more and so I have no need to get pissed off!

All I want is for him to listen and remember. I know snapping isn’t going to help with this though.