How can I stop being snappy? Worried it will ruin relationship

[SnappyCrocodile33]

Hi everyone,

I've NC for this.

I've been with my other half for 4 years we have two young children.

Growing up my mum and dad would always snap at eachother, but they'd be over it very quickly and things would get back to normal.
I've realised over the years that I am unable to control being snappy and I think my partner is becoming distant because of it.

I get frustrated when I have to repeat myself, and example of me being snappy:

I take the kids to a toddler class every Tuesday, it's the only class I take them to and I've told OH many times what class it is. It's on quite early in the morning so I was rushing to get out the door as I was worried I'd be late and he asks me "what's the toddler class?" And I shouted at him "the puppet class!". I was snappy and frustrated as I was just thinking to myself "how many times do I have to tell him!"

I know I'm being horrible, and it's always things like this, I'm fine afterwards but he isn't. I do apologise. Sometimes I manage to curb it and answer nicely but I do find it's if I'm busy or in the middle of something that I snap.

I don't want to be like this. Any advice ?

@Thingsdogetbetter So I went practical and chose my battles. If I've told him an arrangement, I text it to him as well (he remembers written words better than when listening) and put them on a wall calendar. That way I just say 'calendar' when he asks. It makes it his job to check, not mine to remind. Bowl by door for keys/wallet etc. If he doesn't put them there my answer to 'have you seen my keys?' Is 'nope' and I don't help him look. Again putting the work back on him.

I think this is all very good advice and is a version of me too. I can snap. I know it's not okay. And I've got A LOT better and keep working at it. But key is that while I don't think it's acceptable to snap, I've also made it clear that I don't think it's acceptable for me to have do do and remember everything. The keys one is absolutely something I do now - I simply don't engage when he's lost his keys or wallet or glasses for the 30th time this week.

The deep breathes followed by a calm, but firm, comment is another. earlier this week DH "helpfully" brought in my gym card from the door of my car and made a point of giving it to me. Except, every single time he uses my car, he comments on the gym card in the door and every single time I tell him it's an old card but works for the barriers at the car park so I keep it there. In the old days, I would have snapped. But I didn't. I just said calmly, "I've actually told you this many times - I need that in the car for the barriers."

To be honest, I don't think he likes that either, but I'm not going to just keep repeating myself because he can't be bothered to actually listen.

@SpaceOP I suggest actually putting a sticker on the card that says "leave in car" or a new patio for him to go under.

I think it’s a bit unfair saying that you can control yourself around others but not your DH so you’re choosing to emotionally abuse him. Presumably you are patient alot of the time with him- you must spend more time with him than most other people. I can be patient with the vast majority of people in my life because I spent relatively little time with them, but when I’m stressed I tend to snap at my kids because I’m with them a lot and they are also really annoying! It’s not choosing to be abusive, it’s kind of human nature. Of course it’s not nice to be on the receiving end of. If you find a way to stop doing it let me know. One of the teachers at my kids school tells the class she’s feeling like a scratchy cat when she’s in a snappy stressed out mood which I’ve taken to using! Sometimes verbalising the feeling can make it easier not to act on

OP - I think it’s really positive that you are questioning your behaviour - and also brave to be open about where you find yourself.
If you do respect your DH - genuinely and not because you need to say you do (obvs!) - then you need to show him. We all do stupid stuff - miss details - half listen - forget. It’s not good and it’s important to improve ourselves- especially when it means supporting our partner.
So - cards on the table - what can you do to stop being disrespectful and start being supportive- and what can DH do to support you? Hopefully he will appreciate your recognition that things aren’t right - a sincere apology- and a new approach. It may take a few false starts too - but good luck.

Being snappy is wrong?