How can I stop being snappy? Worried it will ruin relationship

[SnappyCrocodile33]

Hi everyone,

I've NC for this.

I've been with my other half for 4 years we have two young children.

Growing up my mum and dad would always snap at eachother, but they'd be over it very quickly and things would get back to normal.
I've realised over the years that I am unable to control being snappy and I think my partner is becoming distant because of it.

I get frustrated when I have to repeat myself, and example of me being snappy:

I take the kids to a toddler class every Tuesday, it's the only class I take them to and I've told OH many times what class it is. It's on quite early in the morning so I was rushing to get out the door as I was worried I'd be late and he asks me "what's the toddler class?" And I shouted at him "the puppet class!". I was snappy and frustrated as I was just thinking to myself "how many times do I have to tell him!"

I know I'm being horrible, and it's always things like this, I'm fine afterwards but he isn't. I do apologise. Sometimes I manage to curb it and answer nicely but I do find it's if I'm busy or in the middle of something that I snap.

I don't want to be like this. Any advice ?

@Aquamarine1029 I've come on here asking for help, I've not said that I'm happy with the way I am behaving.

Do you have anything helpful to say?

I am unable to control myself when I snap at my partner. I also snap at my sister and my parents.
The people closest to me.

No I wouldn't snap at strangers or the postman as I am unlikely to have told them something 3 times or more only for them not to remember it.

Not making excuses just saying what I'm like at the moment.

Do you have anything helpful to say?

Sure. Think before you speak.

@ZaphodDent I'm sorry :( I also get stressed like that on holidays. It worse travelling with two small kids as well!

I never went on holiday with my family so I sometimes wonder if that's why I find it stressful.

Anyway, I'm not sure what you can do if she will not admit that there is a problem with the way she speaks to you sometimes? It is harder if she can't see how much it affects you.

I'm sorry that you deal with this, I don't think snapping is fun for either side.

I'm a bit like this too, and my family just don't listen to things I tell them. They have all the appearance of listening at the time, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Drives me potty, and I snap sometimes too. Dunno what the answer is, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this. My internal monologue is perpetually set to "For crying out loud, how many times do I have to tell you?".

You really need to leave her @ZaphodDent

Maybe start your own thread as what’s going on in your marriage is not at all okay and you’ll hopefully get support and advice.

OP, you’ve had good advice here. You don’t like being told it but you do need to own what you’re doing. You can’t claim you can’t help snapping at him when you admit you manage it in front of other people. You’ve acknowledged the problem and hopefully you can make positive changes.

@coldgraybrix Good to know I'm not alone!

My DH has a habit of asking me the same question time and time again because he hasn't listened the other 3 times I've told him! I have been known to snap but a lot of time I just don't answer, I know he knows, it's just that he can't be arsed to think about it. Does my head in. I get where you're coming from in that you don't want to be the snappy person but your DH needs to take responsibility for listening and assimilating your answers.

I agree with Babaoreally.
My husband is ridiculously clever and I forget things all the time. Never does he snap at me for losing bank cards or forgetting which nights he has on call. He treats me with so much respect always and has an abundance of patience.
If absent mindness is the worst of his problems then I’d say you are very lucky to have such a wonderful partner. Perhaps remind yourself of this every time you want to snap.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe We had a chat tonight about everything and he did actually say that it would take him longer to recall what I'd said so he just takes the 'easier' and 'quicker' route and asks me instead!

@theboldtype It sounds like you have a wonderful partner too

My OH can be very snappy and what @Babaoreally posted describes perfectly how it makes you feel when you're on the receiving end.

Hi OP.

Snapping at him will eventually lead him to check out. It's great you have realised you need to take responsibility for your part in this and try to change. It sounds like you want to and that is the first step! Now take some practical action. Self refer to Healthy Minds to talk to someone about why you are doing this to him but not to anyone else who asks you to repeat yourself.

@Aquamarine1029 😂 very good.

@Flittingaboutagain Thank you. I will look into Healthy Minds

All I want is for him to listen and remember. I know snapping isn’t going to help with this though.

Thing is that isn’t a reasonable expectation. He’s human. He’s going to forget things. You forget things he’s told you. You’ve asked him the same thing multiple times before. You’ve misplaced things. You just don’t notice it because he doesn’t treat you poorly when you do.

@AllosaurusMum He doesn't. He's amazing and very calm, it takes a lot to annoy him!

I'm sure I'm very annoying too.

Thanks to everyone who has taken time out of their day (or night!) to comment on my post.
Reading the words "emotional abuse" has been difficult for me, as I had not really thought of it in that way before- although I'm sure it is, and as it is affecting my partner and my relationships I must do something about it.

I do not want to pass this onto my children AT ALL.

My partner used to joke that I was a Snappy crocodile and say 'snap snap snap!' When I did jt, and then we'd both laugh and have a chat about it. And, and now 3 or so years later he looks so down instead. He can't take much more, I can't either.

If anyone has gone through this and managed to change their ways I'd be so interested to hear how you did it / the way you cope.

Going to get this sorted because I love my little family. It's my default :(

*I am unable to control myself when I snap at my partner. I also snap at my sister and my parents.
The people closest to me.

No I wouldn't snap at strangers or the postman as I am unlikely to have told them something 3 times or more only for them not to remember it.

Not making excuses just saying what I'm like at the moment.*

I think you are making excuses though. Surely it's impossible that nobody else in your life has every annoyed you to the point where you would have snapped at them if it wasn't socially unacceptable. There are some very annoying people in the world.

You don't snap outside of your family because you don't know the reaction of other people.

This is what happened to me.
Twenty years ago I went to a local bonfire night with my husband, dc and about five neighbourhood families. At the event I grabbed by the arm and hissed some sort of command at my dh who was standing next to me. In the dark.

Of course it wasn't him but a neighbour. When I saw the look of disgust and horror on his face it changed me forever. Dramatic but true.

In that moment I realised that I was treating strangers better than my own husband. And that this other man didn't have someone in his life speaking to him like I just had.

Since that moment, I've always treated my dh better than I would people who I don't know.

Don't be married to someone who you don't get on with if you think that is what the problem is. If his behaviour is the one at fault here because he asks you things three times and it infuriates you beyond control, then divorce him.

I'm a snapper too. For the same reasons - I snap after the 10th time he's asked the same thing, or the 15th time this week he's asked me to help find his keys/wallet or when he asks if he has any clean socks without bother to look in the sock drawer. It's my frustration that we seem to be on a loop of the same things that means extra brain work for me again and again.

I don't snap at strangers/friends because they don't ask the same bloody questions every bloody week for the last ten years!

We're both to blame, but our post-snap emotions are the opposite to yours OP. Water off a duck's back to him, it's me that feels like shit for hours.

So I went practical and chose my battles. If I've told him an arrangement, I text it to him as well (he remembers written words better than when listening) and put them on a wall calendar. That way I just say 'calendar' when he asks. It makes it his job to check, not mine to remind. Bowl by door for keys/wallet etc. If he doesn't put them there my answer to 'have you seen my keys?' Is 'nope' and I don't help him look. Again putting the work back on him.

I went so far as to put big labels on his drawers as 'a joke' so he'd know which one to look in. Now 'do I have any clean socks?' gets a laugh and I ask him if he needs the drawer labels back.

It's reduced the main 'offenders' and I'm much less likely to snap when he asks if there's any milk (what am I the bloody milk monitor who can see through the fridge door? Lol).

I can be snappy with my husband, and would be especially so in the situation you describe. Constant asinine questions drive me completely insane and I have no idea how he hasn't figured this out yet, but he clearly doesn't mind my spiky responses. For instance, yesterday I was fully dressed and wearing shoes and packing my bag, and he said "are you... GOING OUT?"

Now, leaving the house is something I do routinely more or less every single weekday, I go to the same place and do the same thing on all of those days, and I have never been known to put my shoes on and pack a bag to sit indoors, but still it's frequently "are you going somewhere? Where are you going? What are you doing?" - it's completely bizarre. I find it impossible to calmly state the blindingly fucking obvious every single day to a mentally competent highly professional adult. I just can't get on board with the problem lying with me. As it is he asks idiotic questions, I sigh and make sarcastic or snappy responses, he doesn't seem to register, I a, in a grump about how irritating he can be and he forgets all about it. I'm really not sure who the winner is.

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful, just my perspective. I guess I just genuinely do think some people really provoke a snappy response with their behaviour.

@Thingsdogetbetter

I don't snap at strangers/friends because they don't ask the same bloody questions every bloody week for the last ten years!

EXACTLY!

I'm glad you've managed to work through it and come up with some solutions which mean you're less likely to snap. I think I will try the calendar thing! Unfortunately sending him messages about it doesn't help either :(.

@QuimReaper Your post made me laugh. I know it's far from funny for you though. I sympathise. Maybe one day he won't ask?

@AllAboardGiraffe Thank you for that. Your post has really made me think.

I'm glad you've had a chat with your DH and he has taken some responsibility. Do you use an electronic calendar? We now have a shared one where I put down all activities so DH only has to look on his phone to see what's happening throughout the week. I'm sure if you work together you can both make changes to your behaviour.