Are Looks that important??

[Frenemy70]

I've NC for this but, regularly view this board and contribute.

I'm in a fairly new relationship of 9 months and have been happy with how it is progressing so far. I have a close friend of 25 years + who has been supportive after the breakdown of my marriage and other things. We've been through a lot together over the years. She hasn't met my new chap yet in person due to lockdown, apart from a collective Zoom call for my birthday. Some of my other friends and family have met him F2F and have said how lovely he is etc.

I met up with my close friend recently and she said she was very shocked when she saw my new partner on the zoom call and a photo I shared of him. I asked her to elaborate, but she said she was just shocked as he wasn't like my ex and didn't think he was my 'type'. I actually didn't know how to respond, because it kind of stunned me.

My new DP is definitely NOT like my ex at all. He's only a few years older than me (we are in our 50s), is shorter than my ex and no..he's not overly good looking at all. He carries a bit more weight than he would like, but we clicked from the beginning and my attraction is to the person he is, his values, what we have in common and outlook on life. But I can't stop thinking about the comment from my friend and I've been putting off them meeting now, because I'll just be self conscious that she will be judging him.

Do other people with partners/husbands who aren't conventionally good looking experience this? And WTF do you say if someone says something?

I don't want to fall out with her over this because she has truly been supportive in lots of ways. I know I've got to arrange them to meet eventually, but I also think I need to challenge her on what she has said.

Of she is this close a friend - why don’t you just tell her how it is. That you know he isn’t conventionally good looking but you find him attractive/sexy/funny/etc and he makes you feel happy and that all that counts.

You could also wink wink say smth like - and the sex 🤩

But generally - unless it bothers you - just ignore it

Who cares what she thinks, she'd (hopefully) not going to be sleeping with him!
If you're happy that's what matters.

If she's a friend, that's what will matters to her

A girl at my work used to constantly go on about how my DH was punching above his weight, how much better looking I am then him. It was so rude. He is the BEST man I know, funny, caring and I think very sexy. He has stuck with me through horrendous times and is a brilliant Dad to our children. I wouldn’t swap him for Brad Pitt!

My ex was extremely fit and hot, being the scenes abusive and at times, I was terrified. Dated another bloke afterwards, possibly you would think very unattractive in many ways. I was really happy and the sex was amazing. It's definitely in the eye of the beholder.

I do wonder why people say things like your friend did. Even if she thought that, I can't see any good reason to say it.

Back to your question...looks matter to some people more than others.

I also find that if a man or woman is fairly good looking and they're with someone who is not so good looking, ppl tend to think and (say) that they could do better on the basis of looks.

They'll also sometimes say (more to a man) , he's punching above.

Looks matter more when you are young, but when you get older personality is more important. Generalisation, but being older makes you wiser

How incredibly rude of her to comment!

No one other than you needs to find him attractive. As long as you fancy him, then its all good isn't it?

Although you do say "no..he's not overly good looking at all. He carries a bit more weight than he would like"

or more weight than you would like? and you seem to be saying you have noticed he's not overly good looking. Is this because you don't think he's good looking to you, or just your acknowledgement that in objective terms he isn't good looking?

To answer your question, yes I have to find someone good looking, and if I thought they were "fuglee" to me, no amount of personality would compensate. I have friends with great personality, I don't have to see them when I wake up every morning

Looks are important to me although I have tried going on personality with my ex, I never did fancy him that much, my partner now I really fancy him looks wise. It's what matters to you, your the one that has to sleep with him. Ppl judge and I admit I certainly do but I wouldn't actually tell them as it's rude and it's their choice.

Huh, I'm the same age and frankly there aren't that many George Clooney lookalikes around, are there?

I sometimes describe my bf as "not going to win any beauty contests" or laughingly say that he's a balding, overweight smoker, but [lots of fun/interesting/etc.]. But tbh, even though I know intellectually that he's not model material, he's really grown on me and I find him attractive. Are you worried that you don't find your bf attractive enough?

I have one friend who prefers younger, skinnier men and says that she wouldn't be interested in my bf at all and can't really imagine it. But she wouldn't harp on about his looks as ... why? I have always made it clear that I am not, for instance, that interested in slimmer men, however, so the latest bf didn't come as a total shock.

I need to find someone physically attractive of course but looks aren't no1 on my list of what's important. Connection, personality and shared values are more important to me.
I could not give a damn if any of my friends found my dh to be unattractive to them - they aren't with him I am!
I'd actually have words with a 'friend' who said as much. It's rude and a little cruel tbh
I would tell her to keep her shitty opinions to herself in future.

Looks mean nothing. Ugly things can come in very good looking packages - it's something you realise when you get a bit older.

YOU are the only one that matters here. Your friend can comment all she wants, but she's not the one going out with him, is she?

And it takes all sorts. I fancy Tony Robinson (yes, Baldrick, the little, bald, tubby guy with very thick specs). I also fancy Tom Hiddleston. I think it can be said that I am eclectic in my tastes.

Well I'd take a charismatic interesting man who's great in the sack over a dull man with symmetrical features.

But it is what you find attractive that counts, not me or your friend.

I think she was very rude to comment like that and I wouldn't appreciate it. I wouldn't make a massive deal but I would address it, probably "miaow! No need for that is there? He's gorgeous to me, that's the main thing."

I don’t think physical attraction is necessarily reliant on looks.

My ex was conventionally very attractive but very dull in turned out.
I have recently been attracted to a balding and at least a couple of stone overweight man
Not conventionally attractive at all but he makes me laugh.
I think as we get older, we become less shallow and realise looks are less and less important.

My DH isn't conventionally attractive, I think he's lovely and I love his face, but there's no getting away from the fact that he isn't society's idea of a hunk.

I'm no stunner but am conventionally alright looking and 'scrub up well'. He gets told all the time that he's punching above his weight etc and I hate it. Saying that, I think he quite likes it!

The thing is, he's a way nicer person than me in every way, he literally volunteers with the homeless and the PTA and all that. He's really kind and funny and a total charmer, plus he's the nicest dad ever. Honestly he's far too good for me.

People who only value looks are idiots, there is so much more to a person than that. And fancying someone can be based on different qualities too. Looks fade anyway, I was a bit of a looker in my early twenties but I'm in my 40s now and require a lot more help!

I would 💯 agree with @TheMarzipanDildo - physical attraction is what's important not so much looks.

I just wrote a long message and lost it. Sob.

Short version. I'd say 'Well I hope you aren't going to say that to his face'.

I had a friend say directly to my (ex) BF 'oh my god I can't believe how good looking you are'. It was cringey and made him really uncomfortable.

Some things are more important to some people than others. So it stands to reason that looks are more important than personality for some people. A lot of people will try to tell you that looks shouldn't matter to women, its all about how a man treat you but thats not the case for everyone. So its likely that your friend falls into that category.

That said, I used to live abroad and I was really shocked at just how bad people a lot of men look in this country. Most men over about 36 seem to look desperately unhealthy - overweight, bad skin indicating poor circulation and no hair (I know thats not an indicator of health but seriously why do many men here have no hair?). So many of them look old for their years and to me, it wouldn't matter how good a personality they had, I couldn't fancy them because they just don't seem healthy or look good.

I think because I know that men that age don't look so bad everywhere that I find it more off putting.

yes agree with the last post that men over 50 (or even younger) don't look fit in the UK - I don't mean good-looking but jus don't look fit health-wise. The flipside is, when a Brit over 50 is slim/toned he does fancy himself a lot as he stands out and then think he should beable to 'get' a younger woman if single.

Looks and attraction are two different things. Other people might look at my husband and not find him sexy but he is attractive to me because of how he makes me feel. I find it weird seeing people I initially thought attractive when they’ve acted in horrible ways as that really makes me so unattached it’s like I can’t even see why I ever thought they were?
@Frenemy70 I think id be disappointed a friend said what yours did. And I’d tell her that Her behaviour was far less attractive to me than my partner Ever could be.

My partner of over 6 years now is not at all my type, far far from it. I talked about it with my friend once and I said myself that he’s someone I never would have found attractive at all.

But we are here more than 6 years later with a 9 month old daughter trying to organise our wedding. He’s honestly the best person, he’s incredibly kind and supportive and he’s an amazing father and I see myself with him for the rest of our lives.

Tell your friend to get her nose out and swivel. No ones damn business what aesthetic you date

Looks are important to me in that I couldn't be with someone I didn't find attractive but attraction is so subjective isn't it? I think my boyfriend is the most gorgeous man on this earth but to others he might be nothing special or even ugly. And he thinks I'm stunning but loads of people won't find me attractive at all. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder!

Really unkind of your friend to make that comment. Just ignore her, if she's quietly judging then it says a lot more about her than you or your partner.

I had a "friend" make a comment once about an ex-partner's looks and about how he wasn't good enough for me because of his looks. I found it very rude and judgmental and that friendship is now over.

I’d just ignore her comment ! You’re taking it too seriously. If you’re happy that’s all that matters. Meet up with her I’m sure she will see what you see in him.