Are Looks that important??

[Frenemy70]

I've NC for this but, regularly view this board and contribute.

I'm in a fairly new relationship of 9 months and have been happy with how it is progressing so far. I have a close friend of 25 years + who has been supportive after the breakdown of my marriage and other things. We've been through a lot together over the years. She hasn't met my new chap yet in person due to lockdown, apart from a collective Zoom call for my birthday. Some of my other friends and family have met him F2F and have said how lovely he is etc.

I met up with my close friend recently and she said she was very shocked when she saw my new partner on the zoom call and a photo I shared of him. I asked her to elaborate, but she said she was just shocked as he wasn't like my ex and didn't think he was my 'type'. I actually didn't know how to respond, because it kind of stunned me.

My new DP is definitely NOT like my ex at all. He's only a few years older than me (we are in our 50s), is shorter than my ex and no..he's not overly good looking at all. He carries a bit more weight than he would like, but we clicked from the beginning and my attraction is to the person he is, his values, what we have in common and outlook on life. But I can't stop thinking about the comment from my friend and I've been putting off them meeting now, because I'll just be self conscious that she will be judging him.

Do other people with partners/husbands who aren't conventionally good looking experience this? And WTF do you say if someone says something?

I don't want to fall out with her over this because she has truly been supportive in lots of ways. I know I've got to arrange them to meet eventually, but I also think I need to challenge her on what she has said.

I agree with a PP that it’s physical attraction between a couple that’s important, not conventional good looks. I’ve never fancied skinny blokes, no idea why, I’ve just always gone for what I call a rugby player build! So even the most gorgeous skinny/slightly-built man wouldn’t work for me.

I’d take no notice of what your friend said, your partner’s looks are nothing to do with her.

Attraction is important, and love for what's inside the wrapping, not looks which fade and sag over time anyway.

The only point at which looks really are important is the initial meeting.It actually doesn’t matter what someone looks like, if you got to know two people over the course of three months and one was gorgeous and turned out to be a horrible person and the other one had nothing to write home about and turned out to be lovely you wouldn’t even think twice about what they looked like.

Most people do have some physical attribute which someone would be attracted to at the first meeting, But if all someone can see is what they look like, to the extent they wouldn’t even get to know them, then they are extremely shallow. Of course, they could get to know them and still not be attracted to them, but what they look like shouldn’t affect what kind of person they are.

I am blind and have never seen another person in my life. And while I do have some physical preferences, e.g. weight and height, I have never had to be in a position where I could judge someone based on just seeing their picture.

Plenty of people have told me over the years that I’m really nothing to look at. Frankly that’s their lookout. I could spend my life trying to improve that, plaster myself in makeup etc to try to improve on my look, but why on earth would I want to do that for the benefit who couldn’t be bothered to look past the superficial and at my personality?

In the OP’s case though I would be concerned at the fact that she is worried about friend meeting this man, that actually, looks seem to be important to her too, because if they weren’t, then she wouldn’t be concerned over what other people say. If someone told my DP that they were surprised he was with me because of of how I looked he wouldn’t pay any attention. if he turned around and said that he knew and realised I wasn’t actually good looking I would find that somewhat hurtful given he tells me the opposite and I would struggle to stay with him if these things really were important.

For the benefit of of people

I've had comments the other way round. My husband is younger than me, good looking, takes care of himself and dresses well. I've not aged so well, put on weight and am probably punching above my (heavy) weight now. My husband went to pick up the kids from school one day and afterwards another parent said to me "I didn't expect your husband to look like that"!

Wow I can't believe how rude your friend was! Hasn't she learned that it's rude to comment on people's appearance? What did she expect you to say? "Now that you mention it, he's hideous, I'm dumping him" or "what do you mean, he's a 10/10 in looks". There is no good answer.

So what if he doesn't look like your ex. That's good isn't it? Actually I find it a little weird when people introduce a new dp and the dp looks exactly like the ex! But I'd never comment obviously.

I've only ever dated a couple of men who would be consided conventionally attractive. I have to be attracted to them, of course, but looks really aren't all that important to me. My current boyfriend is short and bald and gorgeous - to me.

I know someone for whom looks are the most important thing. It doesn't really matter if they're

decent man or they are compatible in any other way because she molds herself into being compatible with them - ie she ignores her own interests and values to make them fit his. Consequently, she has no contact with her family because the man she's with has a conviction for crimes that mean her children wanted nothing more to do with her once they learnt of them. He's not particularly nice to her either. But, hey, at least strangers see her walking down the street with a good looking man. Her own sense of self and confidence mean that that is what's important to her.

Sad really.

Think I'd je incline to say, " Good thing I'm.not as shallow as you then." Because it was an incredibly rude thing to say.

I'm sure she'd be devastated if any of her boyfriend's friends same the same of her to them!

This is a bit odd op, because all she said was he wasn’t like your ex and didn’t think he would be your type.

It’s you that basically has said, and more than once, he’s not physically attractive and overweight.

What exactly are you thinking of challenging her on? She only said he’s not like your ex and didnt think he’s your type. There is nothing there to challenge.

I think the issue here is you don’t think he’s attractive. Poor sod.

Think I'd je incline to say, " Good thing I'm.not as shallow as you then." Because it was an incredibly rude thing to say.I'm sure she'd be devastated if any of her boyfriend's friends same the same of her to them!

What? She only said he wasn’t like her ex and didn’t think he’d be her type. She didn’t call him unattractive or overweight, the op did that.

Unfortunately looks are valued too much, as opposed to taking care of yourself (good diet, hygiene, exercise etc).

She sounds a right sort! What does she even mean anyway. She would've hacked me right off.

Dh and I are both mingers. Neither traditionally good looking. We both scrub up well though and look smart and can go to a posh do, and hold our own.

When Dh's workmates met me at a party, where I was actually looking my best, they all told Dh that he was ' punching about his weight', which I took great glee in and was very flattered. But when you think about it, like a PP said above, that is just men banter and really it's total nonsense.

If the op thought her partner was attractive and someone said oh I’m really surpsied he’s not like your ex, I didn’t think he’d be your type. She’d have responded with yes, he’s so different, he’s gorgeous.

But she didn’t, she responded with thinking he’s unattractive and overweight, and now I don’t want anyone to meet him because they will see it too.

This is about the ops views on her partners looks.

No, looks don't matter. Attraction is important though, I think for most people. A person doesn't need to be conventionally attractive for someone to be attracted to them. As long as you fancy him it doesn't matter what your friend thinks.

now I don’t want anyone to meet him because they will see it too
That's not quite right; OP says she has introduced him to her friends and they liked him. She just doesn't want this friend to meet him, as she is judgy. But it does sound to me a little as if OP might have some niggling doubts about how attractive he is too.

In my very much younger years ( and still holidaying with parents ) I met a 6 foot ginger lad. We hit it off and stayed in contact after the holiday. He stated at mine and I at his ( parents houses - I said I was young ) He was a lovely , caring person - but I ditched him after awhile for being ginger. I often wonder if I'd not been so shallow where my life would have gone.

I can’t see were she made any derogatory comment about his appearance, just that she didn’t think he was your type.
Was it her tone or expression that made this offensive?
I’m guessing if he looked like George Clooney and she made the same comment about him not being your type it wouldn’t be offensive.

Don’t keep your friend away from your partner, so what if she doesn’t think he’s good looking. You seem to think the same!

I believe that there needs to be an attraction between partners, but they do not need to be good looking for the attraction to happen, if that makes sense.

A good personality, the way someone carries themselves, the way they look at you can all transform someone’s looks for me.

I'm always very confused when friends say things like 'he's not your type' ergo he isn't good enough. Surely, the fact that all your 'types' are ex-es is a good indicator that it is a completely irrelevant criteria...

However, the comment was rude and I would just ignore it. Friends can sometimes project their own relationship wants and desires on single friends. No one, absolutely no one, knows what's best for you in a relationship other than you. Especially around physical attraction. It is so subjective, and the things that make you fancy someone aren't even obvious to outsiders e.g the way they smell or cuddle you, the way they deal with pressure, sense of humour etc.

I would tell your friend that YOU are happy with your new man, you fancy him and that is all that matters, so would appreciate her being supportive and welcoming to him. And luckily, she doesn't need to date him. Please do not let other people's opinions on your partner's looks put you off him. These snide comments from friends and family can really damage new relationships if you aren't fully convinced of your choice, and let other opinions cloud your judgment.

I think when we’re young we focus on looks far too much.

Physical attraction is important, but thats seperate to being ‘good looking’. Plus the more you like someone the more attractive they appear, the uglier the personality the more you find them unnattractive. I think my boyfriend is smoking hot, I’m sure i’ll feel the same when hes old and wrinkly because I’m not with him for what his face happens to look like.

I had an unpleasant comment about my boyfriend as a ‘friend’ said that he wouldn’t date someone who looked like that (he was referencing my boyfriends physical disability). Said ‘friend’ wouldn’t win any beauty contests.

I’ve just a comment like this from my work colleagues the other day and it’s annoyed me. I said I had been chatting to a man for a little while (7 heard younger and I’m 37). First time for 2 years since leaving my husband (abusive) They have found him on Facebook and said oh no you can do so much better. I mean that’s really rude right!

Your mate was a cow bag to say that. Is she envious of your happiness or something?
As long as you fancy him looks dont matter. Far more important to be interesting, funny, kind etc. In my opinion anyway.

@Bluntness100

If the op thought her partner was attractive and someone said oh I’m really surpsied he’s not like your ex, I didn’t think he’d be your type. She’d have responded with yes, he’s so different, he’s gorgeous.

But she didn’t, she responded with thinking he’s unattractive and overweight, and now I don’t want anyone to meet him because they will see it too.

This is about the ops views on her partners looks.

I agree with this. The friend made a remark expressing neutral surprise without giving any reasons for why she felt like that -- it's the OP who is filling in the blanks with her apparent self-consciousness about her boyfriend's appearance.

Attractiveness is subjective. Thank god for that otherwise we'd all find the same person attractive.

For me I have to find them mentally attractive, which usually means I have to get to know them first. I very rarely look at someone and think phoarrr

I think the time looks are important is if you meet someone in say a pub, and you're looking to meet someone. Or apps like tinder which completely rely on looks. I met my now dh in my 40s, I find him attractive and more importantly I find his personality attractive

I agree that the friend saying she dudnt think he was her type could mean all sorts of things.

It coukd mean that the friend was surprised at his film star good looks. I would tend to think something like that if the new boyfriend was maybe quite scruffy, or very overweight (particularly if the friend was into health and fitness) or more likely, if he had a shifty sort of look.

It could mean literally anything, but it's the OP who has tied it into his perceived lack of conventional attractiveness.

Perhaps it might be better to talk to the friend to find out what she meant by her remark, as friends sometimes pick up on signs that we ignore while in the first throws of passion?

Looks are somewhat subjective.

Attractiveness is more than just looks, it’s also poise, attitude, style, charisma which are hard to see on a zoom.

Finally, when you are in a long term relationship, looks quit mattering. You just don’t notice anymore. It’s more about how you treat each other and the dynamic.

Your friend was rude & maybe a little jealous that she hasn't got you all to herself anymore?
My partner is very different to anyone I've been out with & probably someone that I wouldn't have previously looked at BUT he is the best partner I have ever had & makes me happy. My friends have all said it doesn't matter about looks as it is so obvious that I'm a calmer, happier person with him.( I think he's gorgeous)
Ignore your friends comments. Concentrate on how he makes you feel & if you're happy with him. Non of us stay young & beautiful looking forever, but a good, kind personality stays forever x