Are Looks that important??

[Frenemy70]

I've NC for this but, regularly view this board and contribute.

I'm in a fairly new relationship of 9 months and have been happy with how it is progressing so far. I have a close friend of 25 years + who has been supportive after the breakdown of my marriage and other things. We've been through a lot together over the years. She hasn't met my new chap yet in person due to lockdown, apart from a collective Zoom call for my birthday. Some of my other friends and family have met him F2F and have said how lovely he is etc.

I met up with my close friend recently and she said she was very shocked when she saw my new partner on the zoom call and a photo I shared of him. I asked her to elaborate, but she said she was just shocked as he wasn't like my ex and didn't think he was my 'type'. I actually didn't know how to respond, because it kind of stunned me.

My new DP is definitely NOT like my ex at all. He's only a few years older than me (we are in our 50s), is shorter than my ex and no..he's not overly good looking at all. He carries a bit more weight than he would like, but we clicked from the beginning and my attraction is to the person he is, his values, what we have in common and outlook on life. But I can't stop thinking about the comment from my friend and I've been putting off them meeting now, because I'll just be self conscious that she will be judging him.

Do other people with partners/husbands who aren't conventionally good looking experience this? And WTF do you say if someone says something?

I don't want to fall out with her over this because she has truly been supportive in lots of ways. I know I've got to arrange them to meet eventually, but I also think I need to challenge her on what she has said.

I think people seem good looking depending on how you feel about them. My DH probably isn’t that conventionally attractive but he’s very jolly, smiley and positive and I think that makes him seem good looking if that makes sense. He’s pleasant to look at because he’s always smiling. Wheras if someone is handsome but really dour and moany they seem uglier. Looks aren’t important to me in the long run, because they don’t last the way feelings do.

How rude.

The thing is it's attraction not attractiveness that matters.

I'd respond by saying how damn gorgeous you find him personally.

My DP is not conventionally attractive but he just makes my tummy go funny at the mere sight of him!

Thank you all for the responses on this!

I just wanted to pick up on a few points made.

Firstly, those who have said I'm probably unconsciously thinking he is not good looking enough myself...you really have got that wrong. The comment he made about carrying a bit more weight than he liked, was from himself. It's no different from the fact I think the same about myself with regards to having a bit of a tummy that I wish I could lose. I have no issue at all with how he looks! He has a geeky Richard Ayoade vibe which I absolutely love! He's just not a conventionally handsome man which is something he has said himself but, he is very happy in his own skin and again, that's what I love about him.

So with regards to my friend and her comment. I actually spoke to another close friend of mine about it all last night. She's met my partner a number of times and thinks he's lovely. When I confided in her about the comment my other friend made, she was absolutely gobsmacked and straight away came to the conclusion it is jealousy.

Like some of you on here, my ex was one of those men who was extremely charming and archetypal handsome, but very dull. He was also abusive and nasty.

I will arrange for my 'commenting' friend and my partner to meet at some point, but I will do it in a (socially distancing) group setting. I know I shouldn't give a toss what she said. If she was an acquaintance I think I'd have told her to fuck right off, but we are fixture's with each other's families and long standing friends. I've decided I won't be challenging her on it now, but if she does ever say anything negative about him again, I will challenge further.

Thanks all, again!

My dsis is obsessed with looks (once dumped a man she actually really liked because her 17 year old ds said that he didn't dress fashionably ). If people just focus on that then they are likely to end up lonely (not alone because that's not the same thing...obviously you can be very happy alone).

She made a comment to my dm on the one and only time she met DP (and refused to say a word to him because she is above us all) that he had a funny body but he was quite good looking , it wouldn't last though because he was a hunchback (he isn't even remotely but he has a very slight curvature from severe back issues from 20 years in care and being taught to lift badly at the beginning). So while she is alone because noine measures up I live with a funny intelligent caring man who I personally think is hot as hell despite his tendency to buy trousers too short for him.

Sadly she applies the same rule to herself so her self esteem (sadly not her arrogance) is rock bottom.

People who think solely just in terms of appearance have truly sad unfulfilled lives so not anyone I would consider their opinion really.

This is about the ops views on her partners looks.

Very good point...

I think that looks are important but not necessarily in a "good looking" way, if that makes sense. My DP is not going to win any 'hottest man' contests (nor would i win any equivlants to be fair!) but he has a lovely, kind, approachable face, is always laughing and smiling and he takes care with his appearance. I find that very attractive and i fancy him but when we were first together i also got similar sort of comments. My best friend always used to make "i would" sort of jokes about my ex but they were notably absent with my current DP! He makes me loads happier though and now that we've been together a long time it's completely irrelevant anyway. Everyone has met him and his looks are well in the past as a topic of conversation. So I'm sure that will happen with your DP, introduce her to your friend and be proud of your choice! If he makes you happy and you like what he looks like then that's all that matters. And at 50 i think most peopl are carrying more weight than they'd like!!!

@Shinyletsbebadguys

My dsis is obsessed with looks (once dumped a man she actually really liked because her 17 year old ds said that he didn't dress fashionably ). If people just focus on that then they are likely to end up lonely (not alone because that's not the same thing...obviously you can be very happy alone).

She made a comment to my dm on the one and only time she met DP (and refused to say a word to him because she is above us all) that he had a funny body but he was quite good looking , it wouldn't last though because he was a hunchback (he isn't even remotely but he has a very slight curvature from severe back issues from 20 years in care and being taught to lift badly at the beginning). So while she is alone because noine measures up I live with a funny intelligent caring man who I personally think is hot as hell despite his tendency to buy trousers too short for him.

Sadly she applies the same rule to herself so her self esteem (sadly not her arrogance) is rock bottom.

People who think solely just in terms of appearance have truly sad unfulfilled lives so not anyone I would consider their opinion really.

Your DSIS sounds downright awful, but you are right it's her own self esteem which is the issue.

I've had comments like that from my friends...my boyfriend is overweight, he's quite short, I personally think he's good looking but my friends clearly don't... anyway I love him and I fancy him... the sex is amazing, I have no complaints at all so guess that's all that matters?!

@Theweekendisnearlyhere

This is about the ops views on her partners looks.

Very good point...

No, it is not at all. I love all the Sherlock Holmes comments and dissecting of people's posts on here. I do it myself too.

But you really are wrong on this!

I believe attraction is what matters and you've said you feel that.

Looks can be part of the attraction but many other things such as intelligence, humour etc can create a far stronger attraction than physical appearance.

If good looks are the main thing that matter to some people then I would doubt how much longevity their relationships actually have.

@Frenemy70
You said
“ is shorter than my ex and no..he's not overly good looking at all.”

I think that’s why a lot of posters( myself included) thought that you were projecting your own misgivings about his looks.

I still can’t see anything negative towards your partners looks in her comment he isn’t your usual type.

Different doesn’t have to mean worse.

Unless there was something in her tone or expression to suggest otherwise I’m reading it as an innocent comment. After al you agree he isn’t your usual type.

Surely its the "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" saying?

My partner has amazing eyes which attracted me immediately but it was his personality that really drew me in and has kept me interested and engaged.

Richard Ayoade is actually very good looking!

@Lindy2

I believe attraction is what matters and you've said you feel that.

Looks can be part of the attraction but many other things such as intelligence, humour etc can create a far stronger attraction than physical appearance.

If good looks are the main thing that matter to some people then I would doubt how much longevity their relationships actually have.

This is it, exactly. I've been blown away with our compatibility on many levels and he's the first man I've been with who is not a bloody man child.

My only issue is being scared that it's too good to be true! We have both said how we want a long term future together, but it is still only 9 months in. This is why the comment and insinuation on his looks from my oldest friend was hurtful. I'm glad he's nothing like my ex in looks, demeanor or outlook on life!

[quote Oncemorewithfeelin]@Frenemy70
You said
“ is shorter than my ex and no..he's not overly good looking at all.”

I think that’s why a lot of posters( myself included) thought that you were projecting your own misgivings about his looks.

I still can’t see anything negative towards your partners looks in her comment he isn’t your usual type.

Different doesn’t have to mean worse.

Unless there was something in her tone or expression to suggest otherwise I’m reading it as an innocent comment. After al you agree he isn’t your usual type.[/quote]
It was the way she said it and the tone. Which is difficult to describe and get across when relaying it. When I told my other friend about it last night, she got it straight away.

@ravenmum

Richard Ayoade is actually very good looking!

I agree wholeheartedly.

Women don't fall in love with their eyes, they fall in love with their ears.
I wouldn't confront her I'd just shrug and say 'I think he's lovely'. She'll drop it.

@Frenemy70. I understand what you mean. It’s fab be hard to describe a when something like that happens.

If she’s a good friend it may have came from a good place, in her wanting the best for you.
Or she may be a snide person who has a habit of making underhand comments.

What on earth
All your friend commented on was that he's not your normal type (and since she's known you for decades I assume it's a true comment). She doesn't appear to have said anything like he's not worth dating because he's not good looking enough or anything like that. Why are you getting your knickers in a twist about absolutely nothing

For everyone saying "well you don't know what she meant, she could have meant anything, it's your own hang ups OP", that is just being deliberately obtuse. Clearly a jab at him.

What's next - friend calls him an arsehole. Mn: well you don't know what she meant by that, maybe it was a compliment, arseholes are a very useful body part after all, maybe she meant he was useful.

You fancy who you fancy and others rarely see it. She should not have commented as it is nothing to do with her

I'm not a looks person, never have been. Sure I can appreciate a good looking person but its 100% personality that makes someone attractive in my opinion. Ignore your friend. As long as you're happy that's all that matters. Maybe she is slightly jealous of your new relationship.