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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this narcissistic or blamer behaviour?

16 replies

Thriftyfifty · 29/09/2020 14:55

Hi has anyone dealt with a narcissist? Is blaming his bad/disrespectful/ controling behaviour on his circumstances (which I agree he's been through a tough time) typical narc behaviour? I have ended my relationship today with a man I really loved (I feel physically sick and so sad) due to his constant disrespectful comments and behaviour towards me which have been on and off for weeks. Then he turns it around and says how dare I end things when he's going through a tough time and that I'm a heartless c*. I feel bad enough as it is but to add that I'm devestated.. how do I move on from this? I feel so lost and down as I loved him very much despite this. I know iv done the right thing but I don't know how to move forward..xx

OP posts:

TruffleMama · 29/09/2020 16:45

Hi OP.

Yes, narcissists play the victim!
They never take accountability for their wrongdoings.

My ex is a narc. I caught him texting other women behind my back. When I confronted him, he threw his toys out of his pram and acted like a child. Narcs don't like it when you reveal their true self.

He came up with some sob story about how he was an amazing guy but all his previous girlfriends had cheated on him which made him frightened of commitment. He said he was falling for me faster than anyone he had ever been with and was scared I would hurt him in the same way as all his previous girlfriends.. so he was messaging other women to "keep his options open" for when I cheat on him (I have never cheated on anyone!)

The above is a perfect example of the utter sh*t a narc will feed you. Narcs are very manipulative so they come across very believable.

Narcs can't deal with rejection. When you walk away, they will do whatever they can to hoover you back (look up the terms "hoovering" and "love bombing"). My ex would constantly contact, trying to pull on my heart strings telling yet another person in his life had died or been diagnosed with a terminal illness - it was all bullsh*t designed to appeal to my empathetic nature in an attempt to draw me back in.

The only way of dealing with a narc is to BLOCK, DELETE, RUN and ALWAYS MAINTAIN 'NO CONTACT'.

LilyLongJohn · 29/09/2020 16:50

My narc ex reacted similarly when i finished the relationship. He was absolutely vile to me, outraged to the point of spitting when he spoke, I've never seen someone so angry. I was a c, he said all sorts of horrid things and threatened me. I felt so bad. But then it dawned on me that his reaction wasn't sorrow, he wasn't upset the relationship was over, he was incandescent I'd finished with him.

TruffleMama · 29/09/2020 17:33

@LilyLongJohn

I can completely relate.

Narc's are quite happy to discard someone once they have finished using them, but they absolutely cannot deal with being discarded themselves. They take rejection as a personal insult.. how dare we have the audacity to walk away from them. I was called a "fcked up evil cnt" when I left my ex after I found out that not only was he texting other women, he was shagging other women too and trying to meet up with ex.

Ruminating2020 · 29/09/2020 17:47

Yes, they cannot handle rejection so they throw epic tantrums.

It's as if your are dealing with a completely different person when you see this side of them. They will become sarcastic, use language that they don't usually do when you are in their good books, they will make accusations, call you names, guilt trip you and blame you for their shitty behaviour.

Don't waste another thought on him op. His feelings are not your responsibility and be pleased that you got out.

I wish you well in your new freedom!

Colourmeclear · 29/09/2020 17:57

You move on one day at a time. It will be hard, really hard. It was so quiet and consistently mundane when I left. I didn't know what to do because 100% of my day had been about trying to keep on the right side of him. Share with us, share with trusted loved ones what you are going through, do the things you enjoy and remember why you left.

I am with a wonderful partner now, he went through a difficult patch but not once did he use me as an emotional punching bag, I was his emotional crutch and we walked forward together. There are better men out there for you.

SonEtLumiere · 29/09/2020 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mindutopia · 29/09/2020 18:09

Does it matter? You don't have to be a narcissist to be a massive bellend. He sounds selfish and like a jerk, certainly not a prize. It sounds like you've done the right thing. Now it's time to work on yourself.

Maze76 · 29/09/2020 18:46

This is just how my husband behaves. He had the affair but of course that was my fault... so done!

ChaChaCha2012 · 29/09/2020 18:49

Do you need a label? His behaviour is inappropriate, you've ended it. Now focus on yourself, don't get stuck on psychoanalysis MN-style (where every bad man is a 'narc'!).

Original poster

Thriftyfifty · 29/09/2020 23:17

Thankyou for all your replies I really needed and appreciate it especially now. You are right I don't need to know or put a label on what he is or isn't, all I know is that he was controlling and very manipulative and I'm glad I ended it, even though I hate to admit I still love him (Fuming at myself for this and I feel pathetic for admitting it!)

The reason for his latest outburst is I caught him in a lie (about his werabouts and cheating 😔) and his reaction was so over the top and aggressive. Of course it was also my fault for being a 'crazy bitch' as he put it. Iv heard of no contact but i.know it's going to be so difficult and really need help with this. It's going to be hard even though after what he's done and how he has behaved he's been a huge part of my life for over a year and I'm going to struggle on this. I know I am. Can I ask how everyone managed to do this effectively? And if you got the urge to ring him or answer his calls or tx what did you do to stop yourself? Thanks in advance..xx

OP posts:

Iloveme30 · 29/09/2020 23:52

Think back of when he made you feel like a piece of crap , really said something nasty . I had a 5 year relationship with a narcissist. I got away .
I'm married now 6 years my husband isn't perfect but he would never ever ever make me feel like that with his words . There are normal blokes and there are narcissistic blokes . Please do NOT look back .
Your only prolonging your own pain . Life my dear is too short to be stuck with a demoralising prick 😉. Live your best life there's someone out there for you ( someone normal) x

category12 · 30/09/2020 06:22

Block and delete him on your phone and social media, put his email on your junk mail list. You're better off ending all contact.

bigbumbiggerheart · 30/09/2020 11:40

Take one day at a time. Focus on what makes you feel better.

He sounds awful and you deserve so much more

Zuzu5 · 30/09/2020 17:37

Block him on all social media.
Change phone number incase he decides to contact you after you've deleted his number to avoid temptation of replying
Write down all the shit things he's said and done to you in 1 place, and read it anytime you feel sad, miss him or think you should go back to him
Write down your dreams and goals and anything you were not able to do when you were with him that you can do now, and read it every time you think your life would be better with him in it
Keep occupied and socialise. See friends and family, pick up extra shift at work etc. Many people get isolated and lose friendships when they're with narcissists so if you dont have friends or family close then pick up a new hobby, join a local sport or activity club etc. This is obv harder because of COVID but you can video call loved ones far away, download friendship apps to chat online, sign up to online lessons of something etc. Point is, the more occupied you are living YOUR life happy and safe the less you feel you need him.
Counselling

You've been strong and brave and done the right thing. Be proud of that

newnameforthis123 · 01/10/2020 05:53

Glad to hear you've ended it.

Google DARVO - it's textbook for dickheads who like to play the victim, narcissist or not!

EarthSight · 01/10/2020 22:58

@Thriftyfifty

Thankyou for all your replies I really needed and appreciate it especially now. You are right I don't need to know or put a label on what he is or isn't, all I know is that he was controlling and very manipulative and I'm glad I ended it, even though I hate to admit I still love him (Fuming at myself for this and I feel pathetic for admitting it!) The reason for his latest outburst is I caught him in a lie (about his werabouts and cheating 😔) and his reaction was so over the top and aggressive. Of course it was also my fault for being a 'crazy bitch' as he put it. Iv heard of no contact but i.know it's going to be so difficult and really need help with this. It's going to be hard even though after what he's done and how he has behaved he's been a huge part of my life for over a year and I'm going to struggle on this. I know I am. Can I ask how everyone managed to do this effectively? And if you got the urge to ring him or answer his calls or tx what did you do to stop yourself? Thanks in advance..xx

'crazy bitch'

You know.....I'm seeing a strong pattern here on this site and in real life. When women do something some men don't understand, they must a) be a bitch and b) be crazy.

Emphasis on crazy. It's the only way they know how to explain your behaviour or they say that to make you doubt yourself. My partner and I have being going through a terrible time for a while now (mainly me actually). I have an excellent long term memory compared to him, and he suggested that I was crazy because I pulled him up on something he said years ago which freaked me out (and would have freaked anyone out). Because he couldn't remember it he suggested I was crazy, which I guess to him seemed logical.

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