What is this behaviour? Me in the wrong again??

[Clementinewine]

Morning everyone just wondered what you thought about the latest argument...

Me trying to raise something pretty small in the grand scheme that bothers me, as calmly and nicely as I can, him getting increasingly angry about it before storming off, locking himself in bathroom slamming door and swearing loudly.
Me leaving then texting later not trying to have a go but explaining that I really want to be able to talk to him, communicate, resolve things without him getting angry. I said I can't take responsibility for his anger or reaction to things. I said I loved him at the end. Admittedly it was probably an overwhelmingly long message and I know I am bad for that and it can sometimes be too much.
Then him replying angrily about how he has a right to be angry, saying I was being angry when I tried to have this discussion and oh but he isn't allowed to be. I don't believe I was being angry at all. I tried to bring something up that bothered me as carefully as I could because I know how he reacts sometimes. He storms off swearing. Now saying I was being angry and the argument became about...having a right to be angry and who was angry?! Rather than what I initially bought up.
He also said I am always mentioning what bothers me or what he shouldn't do. Well maybe I do it a bit but he also forgets the positive stuff, when I thank him for things, etc. Also I feel if I don't tell him things that bother me that it isn't healthy, and I might get resentful. I'm desperate to have an adult relationship where things can be communicated and resolved. I know I too can sometimes react badly to things being bought up but I have recognised that and I am trying to work on it, but he rarely does bring things up anyway.

Ultimately ended up in full blown argument first there and then in the messages, and me spending the evening alone really upset and him ignoring when I tried to phone. Often after arguments I am left very upset and he doesn't bother to check in on me at all. And me apologising for everything and apologising again this morning and he is just ignoring basically.

I did call him a name at the end of the arguing via text, I know it is bad and I have apologised. But it is a name he always refers to himself as and it is not a hugely awful one. I was so upset and overwhelmed and I find it difficult to calm down when I am really upset (teary etc) especially as I am always just left alone to deal with it by myself after an argument. I got no sleep at all and ended up getting s bit drunk alone as well which I shan't be doing again (I rarely drink anyway) as I just felt so upset and frankly out of my mind a bit.

What is this behaviour? Am I in the wrong yet again?

Thank you all for the advice. Sorry for not replying to everything individually but catching up with work also!

I agree I am very unwell and need to deal with that and yes this relationship is not helping also and is also toxic. Yes I have started walking on eggshells around him. He probably would also say the same about me however. The difference I suppose is that I am the one that it is destroying and making even more sick and insecure.

I certainly will not be getting involved with the other neighbour! I am not interested in him at all. I just need more friends around here but yes I agree more female friends would be better.

I appreciate all the advice. I just feel the need to make sense of it all as much as possible in my head as I feel so discombobulated now mentally. It is not relevant to whether or not we stay together. I know it has to end. But it is helpful to me to try to go through it to help me get some understanding and somewhat more of a clear head and a grip on reality!

What support do you have for your mental health and wellbeing, OP?

Can you bring yourself to block his number now?

@VickySunshine

He also said I am always mentioning what bothers me or what he shouldn't do

I have to admit, a constant stream of grizzling and petty criticism would seriously piss me off too - not to mention the play-ground name calling. Ultimately, if you are that "nadged" then perhaps you need to review the whole thing. I know if I were him, I'd be making sure my exit route was clear.

This ^^ is BS!! He keeps telling you, op, what is "wrong" with you so you change and stop saying things he doesn't want to hear. He is abusive, you are not. You are, as you say, lonely and need a companion. He doesn't care enough about you to talk to you after a disagreement, or to take your POV seriously. He is telling you that you are not important to him, and that you need to shut up.

The only other word I can think of that I said I didn't like was when he called me a bitch a few times "as a joke"/in a jokey way.

Nah, this is abusive.. no excuse. You deserve better.

I just feel the need to make sense of it all as much as possible in my head as I feel so discombobulated now mentally.

I bet that eases the day you say goodbye to him for good!!

Thanks @differentnameforthis. Yes I can accept maybe I can be quite critical and that doesn't feel nice for him and I can work on that. But it absolutely isn't constant, every little thing, and I also say positive and thankful/grateful things to him. It does feel a bit like BS to me too.

I know there is no point apportioning blame. I do believe we can both be as bad as each other. But the point is that I am not willing to continue to shoulder everything and have my MH suffer so drastically as a result. It is toxic, it is bad, I can't believe how badly I spiralled the other day and I can't believe him pulling a recorder on me and all that other stuff that transpired yesterday.

There is no way back from it.

I think the fact you accept there is no way back is a huge positive. This relationship isn’t doing either of you any benefits, it’s too difficult, particularly for yourself, so accepting you can’t go back is actually a huge step forward, and can now free you up to focus on yourself snd your own recovery, 💐