Thank you everybody.
Well. There was a discussion last night. I need to get this down here as I need to make sense of it all. This message may be rambling and confused because frankly although last night I ended up in bed in agreement with him, that I am very unstable and very difficult to deal with, this morning, I have just woken up confused, thinking what the hell just happened, how the hell has it once again got to another resolution that is basically just, you're crazy, I can't deal with you, you need help. As that is the way it always ends now after arguments.
The discussion got argumentative at times, I got very emotional again at times.
It did transpire that on the day of the original argument, when I went home and got drunk very quickly (as I am underweight and don't often drink) I did send a few text messages I had absolutely 100% forgotten about as I deleted everything later that night, which I can see were not fair. After I said bye a few times and he took that to mean I was breaking up with him (I was not) I sent these messages. Just crazy things like "ok then good luck finding someone else". Probably hurtful and yes I was being drunk, crazy, emotional. I hold my hands up to that, can see why he took that to be it and therefore ignored my phone calls later, can see why he was still upset the next morning.
So that is one thing. I cannot remember all of the discussion last night. It was basically him starting with he can't deal with me anymore, I am too sick, etc. OK fine. But I said why have I got so much worse since I have been with you, why was my previous 6 year relationship ok without all these issues. He said, well your ex clearly just put up with it all and kept his mouth shut, he did ultimately leave in the end yes. OK maybe that could be right but still it was never ever this bad, I was never ever this bad in that relationship.
Various other things were discussed/argued about with lots of crying from me. One thing was him saying I was not getting any help for myself. I put my foot down on that and there have been a few times in the past where I have managed to do this successfully without him twisting it back on me, where I have just been straight out loud and calm calling his bullshit. I said that was not true and not fair, I had started therapy, got a 2 hour diagnosis appointment (waiting on outcome) been prescribed antidepressants. Before he accepted this though he did try to push it further by saying well have you started taking them yet, I didn't no that. I called bullshit. I said you knew it because I texted you it and I haven't had chance to take them yet as I am waiting on the prescription to be filled! So I feel that part of the discussion was unfair, just him reaching to place all the responsibility on me and my illness.
Another part was me saying I just don't understand why you got so angry about me trying to give feedback about some of the language you use. I said during the argument you said "oh here is another word I am not allowed to use" and I asked him to expand on that as the only other thing I can remember ever asking him not to say was calling me a bitch in a "jokey" way. He brought up one other example. At the time I was like ok, yes maybe I am too critical sometimes. This morning however I am like, this is a grown man who I have been critical of/given feedback on regarding his language use a total of three times over two years and that is enough for him to blow his top?
I can admit my MH has fallen apart, I get incredibly upset and emotional during and after our arguments, and anyone that witnessed it would say yes she is a crazy person. However. I am just trying to make sense. I think this relationship and these arguments are crazy-making and certainly do not help me but make me worse.
There was a lot of other stuff, all the same really, just ultimately coming down to me being too upset and emotional and unstable and him having had enough. This was far removed from the original argument the other day in the first place. Like our other arguments recently, it all just ended up on me and me being too unstable and upset.
Again though I did try to reach to his reaction the other day, his anger, storming off slamming the door swearing. At this point he said it was to get away from me, because he is scared of me. Now let us remember I was not actually angry at that time. I was probably increasingly annoyed and frustrated but I was not shouting and screaming at him. I am a underweight 5ft7 woman who myself has experienced a life time of violence at the hands of men. I have not been violent with this man. I have got very very upset and emotional but I have not been violent. He is double my size. I know that sometimes my extreme upset and tears can scare him but at that particular time, when I was trying to tell him that saying "dont do this" "dont do that" all the time didn't help me, I was not crying or shrieking or shouting. Perhaps I was going on a bit, I know I do that, hold my hands up, I find it hard to let things go. But was that really enough to scare a 6ft heavy built man? Was that really the reason he stormed off and locked himself in the bathroom or is it because he simply cannot take criticism healthily and I am just supposed to put up and shut up. Anyway apparently it was the reason, like I say, he said it was because he was scared of me.
So that was that, as I was still upset and emotional through most of this discussion he ultimately preceded to pull a recorder out to start recording me because he is scared of me. I was in absolute shock at this. I can try to put myself in his shoes as much as possible, understand I am unstable yes I know I am. But to do that and claim he is that scared...I just don't know if I trust he had a fair point with that or if it was just a tactic to shut me up, bully me. I said I couldn't believe he was doing that, etc. He again said it is because he is scared of me. I reminded him that his temper scared me, that it had scared me from the start, that once when he flipped in a supermarket I ran home and stayed away from him for a week because I was so upset and confused (he did apologise).
I know I am damaged and I bought a lot of baggage into this relationship which does mean I am now instinctively in fear if ever a man gets angry, whether or not they are or could be violent. I know it caused me to have a lot of doubts and second guessing from the start, which probably did not help this relationship and I have a tendency to convince myself in my head that things are true when maybe they are not, and I can scare myself. It was not fair for me to be so judgemental and on edge from the start.
Oh yeah and the other thing was that again as I got increasingly upset, he just started laughing, swearing like "oh for fuck sake" but as if he was finding it all funny, it was all too much. Perhaps he doesn't know how to handle a very upset and also probably sick girlfriend but, does that help? Is that nice and loving? I was pleading saying please stop it, please stop being like that.
Yet here we are in this position again. Where the original issue has been forgotten. The fact that he is unable to take criticism very well at all has been forgotten. Perhaps I am too critical, I hold my hands up. All he needs to do is tell me that and I can work on it. I did not realise. Him blowing up, doesn't help. The fact that he has a temper too and scares me too is irrelevant apparently. I am the sick and unstable one. Yes indeed I have not been sick like I have the past two years for a very very long time. Why is that? Is it crazy-making? I am the scary one.
So. I am going to take some time to try to process everything. I will also try to put myself in his shoes because to be fair I know some behaviours on my side have not been great either and I need to learn from it. I am going to try to write down as much as possible this evening.
I know I am ill and it is not easy being with somebody ill. But I also continue to feel as much as I try to put myself in his shoes too, that something is not right here and will never be right. I do not feel safe in this relationship and in fact because of the drunken meltdown I had alone the other night I can see how dangerous it is for me and my MH.
Sorry for this rambling long message. It is also very outing so I hope he never comes across it. I know that it just needs to end and there is no point analysing but I really just need to try to figure it out especially these most recent events, both putting myself in his shoes and learning how to improve my behaviours and my emotion management, but also just trying to figure out well was it all really just me, was it all really. Thank you everybody. What a drama.
I am going to be playing catch up with work today but I will try to respond when I can.