What is this behaviour? Me in the wrong again??

[Clementinewine]

Morning everyone just wondered what you thought about the latest argument...

Me trying to raise something pretty small in the grand scheme that bothers me, as calmly and nicely as I can, him getting increasingly angry about it before storming off, locking himself in bathroom slamming door and swearing loudly.
Me leaving then texting later not trying to have a go but explaining that I really want to be able to talk to him, communicate, resolve things without him getting angry. I said I can't take responsibility for his anger or reaction to things. I said I loved him at the end. Admittedly it was probably an overwhelmingly long message and I know I am bad for that and it can sometimes be too much.
Then him replying angrily about how he has a right to be angry, saying I was being angry when I tried to have this discussion and oh but he isn't allowed to be. I don't believe I was being angry at all. I tried to bring something up that bothered me as carefully as I could because I know how he reacts sometimes. He storms off swearing. Now saying I was being angry and the argument became about...having a right to be angry and who was angry?! Rather than what I initially bought up.
He also said I am always mentioning what bothers me or what he shouldn't do. Well maybe I do it a bit but he also forgets the positive stuff, when I thank him for things, etc. Also I feel if I don't tell him things that bother me that it isn't healthy, and I might get resentful. I'm desperate to have an adult relationship where things can be communicated and resolved. I know I too can sometimes react badly to things being bought up but I have recognised that and I am trying to work on it, but he rarely does bring things up anyway.

Ultimately ended up in full blown argument first there and then in the messages, and me spending the evening alone really upset and him ignoring when I tried to phone. Often after arguments I am left very upset and he doesn't bother to check in on me at all. And me apologising for everything and apologising again this morning and he is just ignoring basically.

I did call him a name at the end of the arguing via text, I know it is bad and I have apologised. But it is a name he always refers to himself as and it is not a hugely awful one. I was so upset and overwhelmed and I find it difficult to calm down when I am really upset (teary etc) especially as I am always just left alone to deal with it by myself after an argument. I got no sleep at all and ended up getting s bit drunk alone as well which I shan't be doing again (I rarely drink anyway) as I just felt so upset and frankly out of my mind a bit.

What is this behaviour? Am I in the wrong yet again?

Love isn't enough @Clementinewine. Even my abusive ex I believe 'loved' me to the best of his ability but it wasn't enough for me to be safe and secure. I really think counselling, with some CBT, could be beneficial to you but to be honest I only found that stuff healthy while already single and ready to start over before even thinking about a new relationship

You both need different people in your lives, this is not the relationship for you. end it now, for both your sakes.

Take this opportunity of him ignoring you to cool things off. Don't go running back to him looking for approval/attention/comfort/love. Anything you get will be on his terms and not to your benefit in the long run.

You already seem quite aware of his fragile ego and that he's a child. When we are the victims of abuse we often want an understanding of why they do it, we look for closure, but really there is none. There is no reason they do what they do other than they try to make themselves feel better by making us feel worse.

Please try and get some RL support, whether it's Women's Aid who will support you and be able to guide you on having to live near this man, or counselling to help you build yourself back up. Preferably both

He also said I am always mentioning what bothers me or what he shouldn't do

I have to admit, a constant stream of grizzling and petty criticism would seriously piss me off too - not to mention the play-ground name calling. Ultimately, if you are that "nadged" then perhaps you need to review the whole thing. I know if I were him, I'd be making sure my exit route was clear.

I got to the part where you apologised for him getting angry at your calm request... honestly, I was waiting for it through your whole OP.

He’s blowing up and making a scene so you’ll stop asking him to be nicer. And he demands you apologise for asking him to be nicer.

He’s training you to accept bad behaviour from him. With this dynamic it doesn’t surprise me that he’s 10 years older.

The only advise I can offer is to walk away. This relationship is too much work and drama. Find someone who respects your voice as an equal, and who can have a normal adult conversation.

You are not suited to each other. You can go round in circles with him getting angry and you apologising. Or you can break away and find yourself happier without him. He won’t change. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t understand you. He’s not for you.

I know what it’s like to be lonely and need people and support in order to break away from a man who is not the one. It’s hard. You’re scared. You don’t want to be alone. I get it. You also have issues from the past they you are getting help with so that’s a plus. While you have that support would be a good time to make changes to your life.

I think you need some time apart. To give you confidence. I’d suggest just splitting up now but I don’t know if you would go for that yet although it ultimately has to come.

Don’t reply to him. You’ve done all the chasing. Just let it go. You don’t need the drama.

Get yourself outside for a walk. You can use your control ability to make yourself do that. Just walk somewhere safe during daylight hours. Lunch break or whatever. Even half an hour can drastically help your body regulate itself. Being near nature helps. If you can walk in a local park at lunchtime if it’s quiet that would be great. Take a lacked lunch if it’s nice weather. Your body needs nutrition to work properly. You need it working properly now as you are stressed out with his behaviour.

Try and join an online community for something you are interested in. Perhaps a support group if your medical professionals think that would help but check first as you don’t want to undo the good work they have helped you do so far! Take up a new hobby. Learn a new language or do crafting or something. Keep busy. Come on here and reply to people if you can help or offer opinions. Get in touch with past friends or relatives that are nice (nobody bad from your past). Trace your family through genealogy.

Corona will pass. You will get out and about again. You will be able to date in future if you choose to. Try and work towards becoming a happier version of yourself ready to emerge after CV. This is your chance! See the positives.

Thank you. I am feeling very upset and alone right now and just knowing he doesn't really care at all.

I did apologise for critizing and the name calling but he has done it to me before too! He is still holding on to his anger, he really doesn't care. I am very very upset and alone

I am going to try and do some housework and have a shower because I'm just going crazy right now.

Do you think he spends even ONE MINUTE agonising over you like you are over him?

As a pp said - he's training you to accept his behaviour, never expect an apology, but you must apologise at all times, then he'll throw you crumbs.

You are like a beaten dog, looking for affection from its master.

Is this the life you want? Off sick from work over a man who doesn't give a fuck about you?

I know. I wish I could show him this thread. He has no recognition at all that he can ever be in the wrong. I know he doesn't care. I foolishly text him again a while ago very upset just saying I needed him to be there and apologizing again (I know, bad) he was still angry and not interested at all.

It is just hard to get over the hurt of realising the person you were with for two years who said he would always be there for you, actually isn't. Just hard.

But I know I shouldn't be this person, the person off work sick feeling destroyed over a guy. I've played that role too many times in my life.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate it.

Do you feel able to make the break and focus on yourself for a while? It's so important and you aren't going to get better otherwise. Life is short, it doesn't need to be this hard I promise. As I said upthread I've been there so I do understand how you're feeling at the moment

Two years is nothing in a lifetime, but if you don't want another two years, ten years, of this you know what you have to do.

All you are doing by endlessly texting him and apologising is entrenching his comtempt of you.

Repeatedly asking him to 'be there' is affirming his control of your emotions and MH.

You can't ask for healing from the person who wounds you.

Ah honey, I spent 18 years with someone exactly the same. He never changed, I was always wrong, it was soul destroying. Getting out was the best thing I ever did. Alone is not the same as lonely. Right now you are both.

Give yourself the gift of self-care. You deserve it.

Hi @newnameforthis123 thanks for your support. I don't know. I have been in this position a few times before with him. I have already sent a lot of emotional and frankly probably a tad crazy messages to him this morning when I got upset again and he was just angry and cold on his replies. He is always in that position of power and I see it.

I know I have to stay away, I tell myself that every time. So hard as I literally have no life at the moment.

I don't know too many people very well where I live (it is a little quite sociable community) because when I moved here two years ago after last breakup I immediately met the guy I am posting about and got drawn into that. But I do have one neighbour who said he is free on Thursday for a chat so that's something and a couple of friends to phone, the only thing is I feel I can't really talk to them about being upset over him any more as they have heard it so many times after every big blow up. So that's why I feel quite alone. But I appreciate your advice a lot thank you.

You cannot fix him OP, it's not your job. His behaviour is not acceptable whether you have MH issues or not, it is bad behaviour, you would not tolerate this in a toddler and you certainly do not do this for an adult.

Stop texting, and seriously think about moving on, you deserve much better. Your behaviour has been reasonable, there is nothing wrong with wanting to talk and yes, sometimes you have to pick your moments. You are not there to service his needs, nor he yours, so please think about cutting your losses and go on to better things and do not give this any more space in your life or head.

Thank you .

I know @TwentyViginti I said I don't know why he hates me. It is so clear that he hates me. But actually I think it is all because he has such low self esteem/fragile ego himself. He protects himself in that way by holding me in contempt.

Thanks @lovemenot. I will try to break free. So hard that he is a neighbour! And I love living here and don't want to move and don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me forced to move either really, as petty as that may sound.

Thank you old bean I have deleted his number. I really don't want to end up just harassing him.

It is very hard for me to manage my emotions and the feeling of being unloved and alone is particularly hard for me which is why I go a little crazy, with the messages or whatever. I have deleted his number once again (as I have done previously...) And will try my hardest to get up and do some housework and things even though I have not slept at all.

Can I suggest you also block him, then go and make yourself a tea and a coffee and if you can find some sunshine to drink it in. If you are not up to housework, get lost in YouTube with a favourite artist or Pinterest amongst lovely things. You don't have to be strong all the time and there is nothing wrong with a bloody good cry!

when I moved here two years ago after last breakup I immediately met the guy I am posting about and got drawn into that

Stop trying to find your self worth by jumping so quickly into relationships with men. Stay single for a while.

I think The Freedom Programme may benefit you. Available online.
A book always highly recommended on here is Lundy Buncroft's 'Why does he do that?' Think it's online too.

Relationships are meant to be nice.

Thank you. I think I have done enough crying over him! I've had previous physically abusive relationships and honestly the way I have got upset over him has been on par with how upset I got with them, or maybe even worse.

Unfortunately don't think I can block him as deleted the number already but I can guarantee he won't be contacting me, not anytime soon anyway, not unless I have managed to last a while without him and then he might try. What he did last time I managed a few months actually was knocking on my door and I didn't answer. He said he had just been checking if I was alright (but hadn't bothered to do that weeks before...) And then just went on about how upset he felt that I didn't answer the door.

So From previous experience I can 100% guarantee he won't be contacting me or showing he cares at all. Because obviously he doesn't.

You delete but don't block? That just leaves you hanging for a crumb of a message from him.

@ravenmum I know. It did have it's nice bits, of course otherwise I would have been able to break away.

But I knew from the start he had a temper. But at least back then he would apologise and not just twist everything on me and get me really upset then coldly enjoy watching me scrambling for his affection from his position of power.

I am not perfect and I do have MH issues but I know I deserve something better and somebody that can get over their annoyance, accept a genuine apology and be there for me when I need them, not make my MH worse.

@twentyviginiti if I block I can still see his number and therefore use it to get in touch with him myself and as we all know, I have been unable to stop myself so far and previously.

I know he won't be in touch. I know it.

This relationship has to be over. He’s not the right person for you. It really is as simple as that. I got married to a person like this and it’s ruined my life. Get out NOW. Let me be a warning to you. This kind of behaviour is called DARVO. Google it. It doesn’t improve. You cannot logic him out of it. It will drive you insane. Focus on building up relationships other than with him