He doesn't love me. Stay or go? WWYD?

[ColdLeatherSofa]

I used to hope (maybe even assume), like most people, that I'd meet someone and we'd fall in love. However, I have a very rocky relationship history. No love and I've never felt special to anyone.

Nearly a year ago, I started seeing someone I'd known for a couple of years. I never had any sense he was attracted to me at all and then, late last year, we bumped into each other and he asked me out for lunch. Now, 11 months later, here we are.

We socialise as a couple with couple friends (as much as restrictions have allowed); we are in a support bubble; we see each other for most of the weekend, every weekend except when either of us has plans and in the week when life allows. He's kind and considerate to me and definitely isn't seeing anyone else. We behave like a couple - he refers to us as a couple and refers to me as his girlfriend; we are supportive, encouraging and accepting of each other, so he doesn't treat me badly, but he doesn't love me and doesn't behave in a way that would give me false hope either. I appreciate the honesty of his words and actions but it makes me sad because I wish he did.

I decided a few weeks ago that I'd give it until the year mark and then, if it was no different, I'd end it. If he doesn't love me after a year, he isn't going to. Would that be foolish of me?

I would like to find love but it's never happened before and, despite the lack of it, this is, in many ways, the best and most real relationship I've ever been in - which is sad because that's clearly not the case for him. Should that bother me?

This relationship could tick along pleasantly for years but I'll still never have known love. So I plan to talk to him at the 1 year mark and essentially tell him this. I know though that I could lose what we do have and still never find love.

It's 4 weeks until my self imposed deadline. I feel that if I don't address it in some way then, I'm just going to be kicking the can down the road but I don't know if ending it would be hasty.

I very nearly gave up, I very nearly actually lost faith and thought that perhaps I was just one of those people who wasn’t supposed to be happy/loved etc

I think similarly. Maybe it just isn't for me. I still have that little light of hope though fluttering around in the bottom of the box. I sometimes wish I could just let it go.

chatterbugmegastar

I wouldn't disagree with much of that. But it doesn't explain the fact that I feel that every time I try to get close to him, I can feel him 'pushing' me away.

He shuts me down or just doesn't respond in a way that will let that sort of conversation/interaction develop. Which is what I meant about taking my cue from him.

I feel he doesnt try or want to get close to me or relate.

I'm not blocking him, he doesnt try.

He shuts me down or just doesn't respond in a way that will let that sort of conversation/interaction develop. Which is what I meant about taking my cue from him.
*
I feel he doesnt try or want to get close to me or relate.

I'm not blocking him, he doesnt try.*

You're extremely articulate and very intuitive imo

Please have the conversation with him

Hold your nose and just do it

Sending you lots and lots of love 💕

Re the fb issue - don't necessarily read much in to that. I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years, we live together. Both of our profiles say we are single. Partner never uses his so I shouldn't think there are any photos of us on there. I don't tag him on anything as he never uses his so what would be the point?

I don't really use mine either so I don't think there are many photos of us on mine either. We are very much together, no secret.

I am in my early 50's, twice divorced. But finally met my soulmate in my local pub after saying that's it, I'm done with men. I was finally happy on my own, happy with my own company, felt very at ease at the thought of life on my own. I think I let go of all hurts, all disappointments, and stopped looking. And the right one came along at exactly the right time - when I was really ready, really happy in myself. I think I then attracted the same.

@ColdLeatherSofa

I very nearly gave up, I very nearly actually lost faith and thought that perhaps I was just one of those people who wasn’t supposed to be happy/loved etc

I think similarly. Maybe it just isn't for me. I still have that little light of hope though fluttering around in the bottom of the box. I sometimes wish I could just let it go.

There’s hope, you’re worth it, you just have to believe in yourself - I really hope you can hold on to this

Honestly op you’re spending so much time over thinking this. Just have the conversation with him and then decide.

Hi OP - DH didn't say he loved me until 10 months in. I didn't say it either but it made me upset that he hadn't said it. It built and built and I planned to just end it and then one day while watching tv I burst into tears and said "why don't you love me?" It wasn't how I planned to start the conversation but it just sort of came out! It went well (he is now DH) but some people just take a long time to open up and are cautious - especially when they have been hurt in the past. I think it may be worth having a conversation as opposed to just ending it - you don't want to Chuck a relationship because of a misunderstanding - and they do happen! It could be that he feels you are withdrawn and pulling away. You just need to talk to him and at this stage where it's this big an issue I'd just go straight in there

Don't know about the flowers, but I had one who never put pics of 'us' on his SM. He also wasn't pleased when I found his Insta. I could tell by his expression. I followed him, but he didn't follow me back.

I was compartmentalised. Good enough to pass the time with, but not good enough to share his main life. He even had his adult DC's friends on his SM but never me.

Hi op

I think you are continually devaluing yourself and your worth. You sound amazing and very worthy of love. Be your real self and be open and demand what you need. Don't accept less.

Sometimes, if you don't value yourself, it is hard for someone to.

I've recently started seeing this guy. He is so loving and has so much worth but he has been really hurt in the past. I can see why, he is so selfless and so giving. I can see the love that he has to give and appreciate it because I am very similar. I also have some amazing friends who have never had a long term and loving relationship. They are beautiful, clever, interesting etc but they have issues stemming from their childhoods. As their friend I can see that they put barriers and they don't think they are deserving of love. I can see that they have rejected those who treated them well and went after men who weren't available.

You don't sound to me like you don't make yourself available. In fact you've been making it clear to him that you would like more, that you're open to a deeper relationship and he hasn't responded to that.

So while it might all be very comfortable it's not enough for you or you wouldn't have started this thread. Nothing is going to change in the next 4 weeks. Hang on by all means, so that you can say you've had a relationship that's lasted a year. I personally think you can still say that - you're just rounding up. What's a month anyway?

You know what you want, trouble is this bloke isn't giving it to you. So your options are:

a) stay with him and settle because this is better than being alone

b) end it with him and keep looking. It's a risk but you might find someone who also wants the same things.

Which option will you regret more?

You could be on a hiding to nothing, you see I'm still friends with an ex, he's an ex for various reasons, but we get in in some ways. He's told me all about being a player, only had 2 relationships, one for over 20 years, but she new he was a player at the start, so I guess that made it ok to cheat on and off throughout . There's a certain amount of lying involved in that, quite a lot, thou claims he's. It like that anymore. I think however he was told the truth when he told me he'd never loved anyone ( I'm not convinced he's capable either). Best thing he could give me was that if he was going to love anyone, it would be me. You see there are some people who are just never going to feel love, no matter who they are with, so it may well be him and not you. If love is your goal, you could be banging your head against a brick wall he has put up.
I would however consider being a bit mercenary at the moment as we are in lockdown, if it's ticking along ok, you may as well give it longer if the company is enough for now as, realistically, how are you going to be able to meet someone in current times, it's all on hold, so you won't be delaying or missing opportunities else where until lockdown is over. So chill, don't fight to drag some feeling out of him, but once covid times have passed its worth moving on if things stagnate as they have.

'Though claims he's not like that anymore'

Thanks. I know I need to say something. I'm sitting in the garden at the moment, as I have the past few mornings, with a cup of tea, in the dark, trying to work out when to bring it up and what to say. But it all feels a bit awkward.

The things i want to tell him are that I don't know what he gets out of the relationship. I don't think he finds me particularly attractive; I don't think he has any feelings for me. I think this is convenient for him - he has someone to go on dates with, someone he can do coupley things with, he has company at the weekends etc but he doesnt have any feelings. But I don't know if I'm missing something; whether it is just that our 'love languages' are different. I don't know if I'm looking for the wrong thing in the wrong places.

When we talked before, I told him that I have only ever really had 'casual' relationships that are good enough for now but clearly don't have a future. I've told him I want 'love' and to be able to build a future with someone. That's when he thanked me for my honesty but was very reserved. Perhaps I should have broken up with him then but it was around the 7 month mark in the middle of lockdown so it seemed like enough at the time. He said that it had been difficult for us to spend proper time together and that we were restricted by only being able to sit in each other's houses watching films and cooking food so it was difficult to enjoy doing stuff together - he's someone who likes to 'do stuff' and I know why that compatibility is important to him. It is to me too. I know he worries about being hurt but I don't think I could 'hurt' him. But then, even when men have claimed to have 'loved' me in the past, their behaviour and actions suggested otherwise. Which is why I initially asked if it mattered. Does it matter if there isn't love if everything else seems right. Or right enough.

We're meeting two other couples at the weekend for a drink and he messaged me last night to confirm the details but that's it. Even his messages to me are perfunctory. He doesn't flirt with me and, when I've tried, he doesn't really respond. If I send a 'cheeky' message, he just replies with a 👍🏻.

But I've also come to accept that I'm not really going to have the things I want. I'm 48. He's kind to me. He wants to spend time with me. He 'takes care' of me when we're together.

He isn't looking for anyone else. He's told me several times that I can use his phone/laptop if I want when he's not around. I wouldn't dream of looking through his messages/emails but I can see (because he often checks them in front of me) that there is nothing untoward.

He had a dating app on his phone when we first met (we met irl). A message popped up from it when we'd been together for a couple of weeks and he was bothered I might think he was looking elsewhere. He appears to have uninstalled the app - not seen it on his phone again. Not at my request, I didn't mention it.

I'm not bothered about the flowers per se for a few reasons. I don't think he was sending them to someone inappropriately, more that he has never felt inspired to do anything like that for me. Neither am I bothered about the lack of sm pics
really other than it makes me wonder if he's embarrassed by me. We're friends on there and his family and close friends have either met me or know about me.

He's not a player. Never has been. We have mutual friends who've known him for decades and they only speak positively about him in relationships - he's not the sort to mess around; not the sort to have 'casual' relationships; doesn't cheat; has only ever had 'serious' relationships or ones he thought could become serious. Was quite content on his own, a bit of a homebody...

It's just hard because so many of the elements are just what I wanted - we met irl through friends; I can be certain of what I'm told about his background, he doesn't hide anything of himself from me, we like each other's friends and have mutual friends. He previously invited one of my friends over to his for the evening and has invited her since.

He just doesn't seem to have any feelings for me.

I've thought i could say something after our night out at the weekend - after all, we'll be home early enough! But i know that I won't because it'll feel too heavy or we'll have had a nice evening and I won't want to ruin it.

I kind of just wish it had all never happened.

The things i want to tell him are that I don't know what he gets out of the relationship. I don't think he finds me particularly attractive; I don't think he has any feelings for me. I think this is convenient for him - he has someone to go on dates with, someone he can do coupley things with, he has company at the weekends etc but he doesnt have any feelings. But I don't know if I'm missing something; whether it is just that our 'love languages' are different. I don't know if I'm looking for the wrong thing in the wrong places.

Make the conversation about you and what you want

Not about all the negatives

Make the conversation clear and open and vulnerable

'I love you and I want a full loving monogamous long term live together relationship with you. Is this what you want?'

What you have with him clearly isn't enough, and if you continue with it at some point you'll start to feel resentful and angry. You're letting yourself down by settling for the little he has to offer.

Can you contemplate years more of this? Your last line is very telling - you wish it had all just never happened.

Isn't it possible that he's thinking all the same things but isn't as articulate as you? Isn't as good at expressing himself? Does he talk about loving other people in his life - family, friends, etc? Maybe he's just not an expressive person verbally, but he shows it in other ways?

It really would be a shame to end it without having a truly honest conversation about how you're feeling and what you want. If nothing else at least you wouldn't be wondering what might have happened if you had.

stop!! Do not dump him. I did that once and ruined a really good thing. You have to remember that he is with you for a reason. From every single thing you have said, you are actually similar personalities, both a litle bit avoidant. That in itself can be a little difficult, and if I were you I woudl go away and look up some stuff online about relationships with anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant types. you sound anxious-avoidant, he sounds like he is a little bit closer to secure attachment style but also a bit avoidant. My point here is that you two may be really well suited. my big positive flag from his behaviour is that he makes time for you, he does'nt expect you to fit in wiht him. I don't totally understand what he means about the "can't get to know someone just watching films" as I think one can. Anther thing to think about, as someone else said, is ways of expressing affection - he might prioritise shared experiences, i.e. doing something specific, a fun activity, whereas i think you prioritise evident affection as that is what you are both afraid of and crave.

sorry, one more question. I havne't got any sense of whether you find him attractive? Do you?

chatterbugmegastar thanks good advice

Eddielzzard it wouldnt baba problem if I knew how he felt but wasnt comfortable expressing it. If he doesnt and isnt going to love me that would be a different matter.

WhitePhantom yes, he talks openly about loving his friends and being very close to them and how they have impacted very positively on his life. I feel he wouldnt expect to feel similarly about me after only being together for a year. They have a lot of shared history spanning decades.

costco that's what is so difficult. There are many positives. I do find him very attractive, yes.

Interesting. I'm wondering if this is really about an insecurity on your part about your attractiveness, in general perhaps. That's one element of this little puzzle.
The other element is that he is a careful type. The fact that he is close to his friends is great, it's a really good sign of a mature adult who has chosen to nurture those relationships and understands that they need attention to keep going. I think he does in fact do the same in your relationshp, but perhaps to him a year is not actually taht long, I mean in terms of expectation of intimacy and love. Right now, you are in a relationship wiht a man who does not and will not cheat, whom you find attractive, who likes to do things with you. His only drawbacks are that he doesn't like text chat or flirting, and he doesn't tell you he loves you, and something about a fortune cookie. I think, accept what he is and what 's currently giving you, which is in my mind quite a lot. I know you say that if this doesn't work out you'll give up, but in that case, why not stay. To my mind, this is currently working out, and the next steps are doing some actual activities together, building some memories. Stop looking at things in binary terms, a relationship is never a failure if you have allowed it to play out, and ending this one now would not be allowing it to play out. personally it sounds as if he has a long-term plan with you but he will not be rushed, and doesn't like empty words.

I'm wondering if this is really about an insecurity on your part about your attractiveness, in general perhaps

That's definitely part of it, I think...

What you said about him certainly makes sense. That's why I'm so bothered i think. The fact that he seems to be one thing with everyone else and past relationships but something completely different with me.

Maybe he isn't completely different with me?

He does value his friendships and relationships with others and he puts time and effort into nurturing them. There are many men who lose touch with people. I don't think I've ever met a man before who has the same best friend as he had at primary school.

We have started to do more things together now that we are able. Obviously, the existing restrictions are still limiting - there's very little to do. But we are.

No. He won't be rushed and doesn't like empty words. You're right about that.