My ex sent me a friend request, and I’ve accepted it, but he hasn’t been in touch?

Mj2010 · 2020-09-27T04:36:24+00:00

Long story short he vanished several years ago without any explanation. I sent him a couple messages because I was worried as everything seemed fine, but he never answered, and then a couple weeks or so later he blocked me on everything. We knew eachother for 5 years. Fast forward to 3 months ago, I get a message from him saying how sorry he was and how he still thinks about me... I’m not going lie, I was furious. Then he sends a friend request. I deleted his message, I ignored his request, I stayed the hell away from FB for quite some time. Plus I was in a relationship at the time. But then that ended, pretty badly, and I decided to accept my ex’s friend request... It’s been 2 months and I’ve not heard from him. It’s like he’s playing games... why would he be doing this...

CircleofWillis · 27/09/2020 05:51

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. Why would you invite all that angst into your life again. Unfriend and block him and move on.

Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 06:00

I hate to say it, but I still have feelings for him...

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hownowbrowncow123 · 27/09/2020 06:10

Oh how awful! I am sorry that he ended your relationship that way. Quite cowardly. I imagine you have not been able to process that as there was no 'this is the end' conversation.

He's probably just being nosy and wanting to snoop at your profile.

Ghouliet · 27/09/2020 06:18

He’s doing it for his own validation, he gets a kick out of it with minimal effort on his part. Block him, he’s not going to suddenly change into a man who is going to treat you with respect and decency. Respect and decency that you deserve.

If you don’t block him then he will continue to put just enough effort in to keep you hooked. That’s not good enough and it will also stop you from finding a man that does want to be with you and treat you right.

Cut this one loose, he does not deserve any of your mind space.

Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 06:19

Yeah you’re right it was extremely cowardly, and it undoubtedly affected me and my relationships after him...

He did explain to me why he did it and other stuff... but I guess that’s why I took time to think about his request.

I ignored it for some time... I thought about what he had told me... and maybe, just maybe it’s genuine?

If I’m honest with myself, I do still have a soft spot for him despite what he did... it was totally out of character... it really, really did catch me completely off guard

We have mutual friends you see, and apparently he does talk about me quite often...

I just don’t know... should I get in touch with him or let him contact me first?

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Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 06:21

@Ghouliet So you think that me accepting his request confirmed to him I still have feelings?

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Rainbowqueeen · 27/09/2020 06:48

He’s using you as a back up In between sending the friend request and you accepting it someone else came along
I’d delete and block. Move on. He’s a hot mess and you deserve better

Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 07:02

@Rainbowqueeen

You’re probably right about his actions, but the mutual friends say he hasn’t been with anyone since his last gf over a year ago

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lifestooshort123 · 27/09/2020 07:47

I'm going against the grain here. I think he still has feelings for you and was tentatively making moves to start communicating to see if you both had a future. Because it took you some time to accept his friend request, he got cold feet (thought you were playing games?) and backed off. If you still have feelings for him and if you'd cope with it not working out again, why not send him a friendly message and see what happens? Go into it with your eyes wide open and control what transpires. Good luck whatever you decide.

sunnysunshine40 · 27/09/2020 09:13

You were together for 5 years and then he vanished without an explanation?? If so, run 🏃‍♂️ for the hills and don't look back!

Rybvita · 27/09/2020 11:08

Why spend so much energy fixating about a person who treated you like rubbish

Surely there are other people in your life who are much more deserving of your attention? And if there is isn't, there's people right now in our society in need of help and assistance who you could spend mental energy on.

Just delete him from your facebook and move on.

Bunnymumy · 27/09/2020 11:16

It wasn't against his personality at all. It was his true personality coming out. An uncaring, selfish bastard.

Give your head a wobble op. This one is not a good egg. He didnt so much as drop you a note at the time to say it was over, just vanished. Brvshse he liked the ego boost of knowing you would be going crazy, wondering about him and what had happened...and him...and him.

And he sent you the friend request for the ego boost of knowing that even though he treated you like shit, you (in his mind) still want him. Because it's all about him. Isn't he the dogs bollocks. Him him him...him.

Delete and block the wanker. Time to make better choices op. Not the same old tired bad ones.

Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 12:44

@lifestooshort123

I'm going against the grain here. I think he still has feelings for you and was tentatively making moves to start communicating to see if you both had a future. Because it took you some time to accept his friend request, he got cold feet (thought you were playing games?) and backed off. If you still have feelings for him and if you'd cope with it not working out again, why not send him a friendly message and see what happens? Go into it with your eyes wide open and control what transpires. Good luck whatever you decide.

One of the main reasons why I took my time to accept his request was because I was in a relationship, and I had told him that, but I do see how he might have gotten cold feet.

I’ve been half-expecting him to get in touch with me, because I’ve been afraid that it would get worse for me if I did... that’s why I told him in the past that I liked the idea of us trying something together but I was afraid of the result.

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Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 12:46

@Bunnymumy

It wasn't against his personality at all. It was his true personality coming out. An uncaring, selfish bastard.

Give your head a wobble op. This one is not a good egg. He didnt so much as drop you a note at the time to say it was over, just vanished. Brvshse he liked the ego boost of knowing you would be going crazy, wondering about him and what had happened...and him...and him.

And he sent you the friend request for the ego boost of knowing that even though he treated you like shit, you (in his mind) still want him. Because it's all about him. Isn't he the dogs bollocks. Him him him...him.

Delete and block the wanker. Time to make better choices op. Not the same old tired bad ones.

He told me that he did it because he didn’t think I liked him back... and at the time he thought it was the best for him to move on and that he’s sorry for putting me in the situation. What if he’s being genuine though?

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Bunnymumy · 27/09/2020 13:09

Ah right so he wasnt your partner at the time? ...but wait no, your title says he was your ex so...you were together when he vanished.

'He thought it was best for him'
Exactly.

OP you don't just ghost on a partner, even if you think that maybe they are losing interest. You talk with them. Theres never an excuse to just vanish on someone you are supposed to give a shit about.

Decent people would never do that.
Don't be fooled.

Dery · 27/09/2020 14:51

“Why spend so much energy fixating about a person who treated you like rubbish confused

Surely there are other people in your life who are much more deserving of your attention? And if there is isn't, there's people right now in our society in need of help and assistance who you could spend mental energy on.”

This. Those feelings you still have for him - ignore them. Think with your head on this. He treated you really badly - he pops back into your life years later and he’s already messing with you again. He’s no use to you. Move your focus elsewhere.

Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 15:25

@Bunnymumy

Ah right so he wasnt your partner at the time? ...but wait no, your title says he was your ex so...you were together when he vanished.

'He thought it was best for him'
Exactly.

OP you don't just ghost on a partner, even if you think that maybe they are losing interest. You talk with them. Theres never an excuse to just vanish on someone you are supposed to give a shit about.

Decent people would never do that.
Don't be fooled.

I don't really know what state of mind he was in when he did it... probably will never know, but it happened a couple of weeks after we spent a few days together. I invited him to my prom, he told me he loved me and we cried (of what I thought was happiness) together - and then poof, two weeks later I never hear from him again.

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Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 15:27

@Dery

“Why spend so much energy fixating about a person who treated you like rubbish confused

Surely there are other people in your life who are much more deserving of your attention? And if there is isn't, there's people right now in our society in need of help and assistance who you could spend mental energy on.”

This. Those feelings you still have for him - ignore them. Think with your head on this. He treated you really badly - he pops back into your life years later and he’s already messing with you again. He’s no use to you. Move your focus elsewhere.

I don't understand why it's obvious he's playing with me again?

I mean part of me thinks he is, but then another part thinks "what if he's being genuine?"

What he sent me didn't sound like a closure full stop, because he told me he still has feelings and has never stopped thinking about me.

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Cocklepops · 27/09/2020 15:43

Each time everyone tells you you’re better off blocking him, you have a response of ‘what if’ or ‘yeah, but’ and trying to defend him or excusing his previous behaviour.

You obviously want to progress this somehow and aren’t going to block him.
Begs the question why you’ve even asked MN 🤔

user1481840227 · 27/09/2020 15:47

So what if he think he's being genuine right now, that doesn't mean that he will stick to it. He has already shown you what he's capable of, vanishing without any explanation...and his excuse for that is just silly " I didn't think you liked me back" .

You should never ever give someone who did something like that a second chance. They will take the easy way out the next time again because they got away with it the first time.

Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 15:49

@user1481840227

So what if he think he's being genuine right now, that doesn't mean that he will stick to it. He has already shown you what he's capable of, vanishing without any explanation...and his excuse for that is just silly " I didn't think you liked me back"

.

You should never ever give someone who did something like that a second chance. They will take the easy way out the next time again because they got away with it the first time.

That's why I told him that I was afraid of the result - I'm scared he'll do it again... I wanted to make it clear that I'm not interested if he's going to end up pulling the same crap on me again.

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Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 15:51

@Cocklepops

Each time everyone tells you you’re better off blocking him, you have a response of ‘what if’ or ‘yeah, but’ and trying to defend him or excusing his previous behaviour.

You obviously want to progress this somehow and aren’t going to block him.
Begs the question why you’ve even asked MN 🤔

Well, I do, but then again what's stopping him from doing it again?

I'm not excusing his past behaviour, not in a long stretch, I just want to know if he's being serious and what he'll do to prove that I can trust him again.

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Longdistance · 27/09/2020 15:59

That was a shittest excuse for ghosting you. What a load of twaddle. You seriously need to run and fast. Block him on SM, seriously don’t put yourself through it again. His behaviour towards you was shameful and that’s being kind.

Bunnymumy · 27/09/2020 16:11

So you told him you loved him and vice versa...and then he ghosted because he thought you didn't like him anymore...two weeks later?

Riiiiight.

More likely he just wanted you to like him, for the sake of his ego. Then once he knew you liked him back, he got bored. He didnt ghost because he thought you didnt like him. But because he knew you liked him and that was the chase over and so he lost interest.

user1481840227 · 27/09/2020 16:11

That's why I told him that I was afraid of the result - I'm scared he'll do it again... I wanted to make it clear that I'm not interested if he's going to end up pulling the same crap on me again.

It doesn't matter what you try to make clear to these people. They still pull the same crap if they want to because they already did it before so it's easy for them to do it.

I'm not excusing his past behaviour, not in a long stretch, I just want to know if he's being serious and what he'll do to prove that I can trust him again.

You can't know that he's being serious and there's no way for him to prove at you.
It all boils down to trust. He's proven he can't be trusted already.