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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex sent me a friend request, and I’ve accepted it, but he hasn’t been in touch?

57 replies

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 05:36

Long story short he vanished several years ago without any explanation.

I sent him a couple messages because I was worried as everything seemed fine, but he never answered, and then a couple weeks or so later he blocked me on everything.

We knew eachother for 5 years.

Fast forward to 3 months ago, I get a message from him saying how sorry he was and how he still thinks about me... I’m not going lie, I was furious. Then he sends a friend request.

I deleted his message, I ignored his request, I stayed the hell away from FB for quite some time.

Plus I was in a relationship at the time.

But then that ended, pretty badly, and I decided to accept my ex’s friend request...

It’s been 2 months and I’ve not heard from him.

It’s like he’s playing games... why would he be doing this...

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 27/09/2020 16:11

*prove it to you

user1481840227 · 27/09/2020 16:13

Also how did you tell him you were scared of the result if you didn't reply to him?
You accepted his friend request 2 months ago and he hasn't bothered to get in touch since. Surely that tells you all you need to know?

Bouledeneige · 27/09/2020 16:20

OP in the kindest possible way you are not engaging your brain. He showed you who he was- he walked out on you and caused you immense hurt.

He sent you one message and a friend request and then hasn't been in touch again. He doesn't mean anything by it, he's not in love with you and he's never going to be a good partner for you. It's easy to send a message and toy with the past. But he doesn't mean anything by it.

Block and run away. He's shown you who he is.

SunshineCake · 27/09/2020 16:25

I think the question should be why are you giving him headspace ?

Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 17:20

@user1481840227

Also how did you tell him you were scared of the result if you didn't reply to him? You accepted his friend request 2 months ago and he hasn't bothered to get in touch since. Surely that tells you all you need to know?

Because we talked sometime before he sent the apology and friend request.

He wanted to meet up, so I told him that I wanted us to do something together but that I'm afraid of the result

OP posts:

Original poster

Mj2010 · 27/09/2020 17:21

@SunshineCake

I think the question should be why are you giving him headspace ?

I've said so, because I still have feelings and my heart holds onto to the hope he has changed and that he's being genuine

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 27/09/2020 17:24

He wanted to meet up, so I told him that I wanted us to do something together but that I'm afraid of the result

And now he hasn't contacted you in 2 months since you accepted his request and you're somehow thinking that this is going to happen and he's gonna go out of his way to prove you can trust him?

It's not going to happen.

user1481840227 · 27/09/2020 17:26

I've said so, because I still have feelings and my heart holds onto to the hope he has changed and that he's being genuine

Part of the reason you still have feelings for him is more than likely to be to do with the cruel way he vanished. That can leave people stuck in the past. He's not worth it.
Nothing about what you've told us implies that he wants to make a relationship work with you!

SunshineCake · 27/09/2020 17:41

By telling him you are afraid you are giving him all the power, aka freedom to treat you as he likes as you'll take any crumbs .

baileys6904 · 27/09/2020 18:10

What will you regret more, engaging with him and the potential heart ache it may bring but at least you know, or just not entertaining him, closing the door firmly shut and opening yourself to new adventures but having the what if?
If you do decide the former, then do it with eyes wide open, prepare for the hurt, message him and see what he has to say. If you ignore him, you will meet someone else who may or may not be your happy ever after but this chaps not the only fish in the ocean

Dery · 27/09/2020 23:01

"I don't understand why it's obvious he's playing with me again?

I mean part of me thinks he is, but then another part thinks "what if he's being genuine?"

What he sent me didn't sound like a closure full stop, because he told me he still has feelings and has never stopped thinking about me."

Dear OP - what he has said about still having feelings for you - that's just words. Actions are so much more important. It's easy to say the right thing. But he isn't doing the right thing.

If he was serious about getting back together with you after having treated you so appallingly last time, he should have sent you the friend request and then made himself exceedingly available to you - he should have been reaching out to you at every opportunity. But what he's actually done is induce you to admit you still have feelings for him and then buggered off again.

OP - you are worth so much more than this. He is just tossing you the tiniest crumbs and you seem to think you should make do with that. Even if he is still interested in you, he is clearly completely flakey and useless in the relationship stakes anyway. Please don't waste any more time on this man. He is bad for you.

Bouledeneige · 27/09/2020 23:35

OP if he wanted to see you again or have a relationship with you again he would have been in touch wouldn't he? Its been 2 months. He hasn't changed and he doesn't want to see you. Its not rocket science.

Dontletitbeyou · 28/09/2020 03:07

He’s looking for a quick ego boost . If he seriously wanted to get in touch and maybe take things forward he would have . 2 months in and no attempt to make contact
His past behaviour shows who he is . Ghosting is cowardly and an all round shit way to treat someone you supposedly care about .
time to accept that if you want to know what his game is you’ll have to message him , but I wouldn’t , not for a second . I absolutely have no time for game playing

Wiredforsound · 28/09/2020 05:32

He was probably drunk when he sent you those messages, in all honesty. If he’d really wanted to meet up with you he would have tried to make arrangements. When a man is really interested he’ll move heaven and earth to spend time with you.You know that. He may even have someone else on the go by now. Either way, he’s clearly is not that into you.

Lampan · 28/09/2020 07:35

He’s not even interested enough to send you a message. That’s all you need to know.
Even supposing for a second that he did still have feelings for you, they’re not strong enough for him to get in touch.
I get that you are in denial and still interested but as the vast majority of posters here can see, no good will come of this. I would unfriend and move on.

Dery · 28/09/2020 07:36

When my mum, sister and I all found ourselves single and dating in the late 1990s, we quickly learnt never to accept or make excuses for why a man was not in touch with us as soon as or as often as we wanted him to be. Whatever the details, it always boils down to one of two things: either he is not free to date or he is just not that interested. It was usually the latter. If a man is truly interested, you will know.

Btw, we all went on to find life partners; we just stopped wasting our precious time on bullshitters.

catwithflowers · 28/09/2020 08:20

Dery 👍👍👍

Dery · 28/09/2020 08:56

Thanks, @catwithflowers!

Dery · 28/09/2020 08:59

PS - fabulous name, btw: @catwithflowers!

squishee · 28/09/2020 12:34

Sometimes you need to listen to your head, not your heart. If this man thinks you will happily exist on crumbs from his table, that's all he'll give you. Is that how you want to live? Don't you deserve better?

FinallyHere · 28/09/2020 12:36

It’s been 2 months and I’ve not heard from him.

then poof, two weeks later I never hear from him again.

Maybe he sends out feelers to anyone in his network anytime he is without a girlfriend. Or maybe anytime he is board, regardless of his girlfriend status.

He will be back in touch anytime he is at a loose end. Is that really what you want for yourself ?

It's not easy, but I would encourage you to work on your self esteem and only be in touch with people who treat you really well.

I wanted to make it clear that I'm not interested if he's going to end up pulling the same crap on me again.

The only really reliable way to do that is to block him, now and for ever. People deserve one chance if they blow it so spectacularly, you really don't want them in your life.

In future, watch out for what people actually do, their actions. Words are cheap, they get to know who can be kept in reserve for when they are bored. Don't be that girl, who is happy with crumbs.

P999 · 29/09/2020 19:09

Unfriend him. Done. Move on. You've wasted too much time already

Original poster

Mj2010 · 13/10/2020 12:02

I unfriended him but a day later he sends me a message asking what happened. I told him because he didn’t reach out to me since sending the apology and he said that he thought that because I didn’t respond to his apology he thought I didn’t want to talk to him, so he wanted to give me space...

I should have responded :(

OP posts:

WayMoreInterestingThanYou · 13/10/2020 12:10

Sound like you should meet, in person, to give yourself "closure" (hate that word). Stop all this FB unfriending nonsense (god I sound about 100 but it's so silly) and arrange to meet.

If he's too cowardly to meet and have a chat then you have your answer. After the chat YOU can decide on the next course of action. Take back the power!

sonjadog · 13/10/2020 12:10

So what does he suggest now? Has he asked to meet up?

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