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Original poster

AIBU at my Fiancé not getting me a Birthday Present!?

55 replies

Taloola40 · 26/09/2020 23:29

My Fiancé and I have been together for over five years. I ALWAYS make an effort for his and our kids birthdays. Recently he had a milestone birthday and I bought an amazing present and took him away for the weekend. My birthday was last week and I got nothing, not even a card he didn't even get the kids to make a card for me. I just don't get it. I know it's not the receiving it's the giving etc. But this has just made me feel like he really doesn't value me at all!! :(

OP posts:

Danceisforlife · 27/09/2020 00:44

That's awful, totally understandable that you feel undervalued!! My husband isn't the best at knowing what to buy for me but he tries and gives money to my eldest 2 to go get something for me and took our 3 year old to a shop to choose something for mummy. 'It's the thought that counts' is definitely something I appreciate!

widespreadpanic · 27/09/2020 01:01

I would be hurt and feel like he doesn’t care.

Has he always been this way? I think this is one of the times when you have to talk to him and let him know how you feel.

PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 27/09/2020 02:37

I find adults into birthdays excruciating, but it goes both ways, so if he played the game for his own, he should play the game for yours.

flyingant · 27/09/2020 03:34

Did you ask him why he didn't get/do anything? What was his response?

justilou1 · 27/09/2020 03:57

He is setting the tone for how valued you are for the rest of your married life. I would seriously reconsider marrying this man.

beachydreams · 27/09/2020 04:49

It’s a deal breaker really isn’t it? He’s just told you quite clearly what he thinks of you.

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/09/2020 05:12

Hurtful and thoughtless. This could very well be the start of a pattern he alone has decided is ok for your relationship. If this is upsetting to you, and it sounds as tho it is, let him know. Is this maybe the beginning of little thought and consideration for you. I hope not.

Moonshinemisses · 27/09/2020 05:32

Adult or child everyone deserves to have their birthday acknowledged by those close to them. I would be hurt. It doesn't have to be anything big just something to let you know someone thought about you.

lookatmememe · 27/09/2020 05:39

LTB

CircleofWillis · 27/09/2020 05:49

Did he remember it was your birthday? Did he acknowledge it in any way e.g. saying 'happy birthday!'.

This would be a huge issue for me. However, I take charge and plan my own birthdays most years or tell my husband what to book and what I would like. ( he does ask). After he gave me pretty crap presents two years in a row (kettle, frying pan, knife set). While I got him lovely personal thoughtful gifts just for him. I declared that we were going to buy our own presents from each other. Our birthdays are close together. I bought myself a lovely array of presents and he didn't get himself anything two weeks later. After that he has reliably asked me what I want and bought it for me.

For those people saying adult birthdays are not important. They might not be important for you but for some people they are how one of the important ways in which they feel loved and cherished.

Apple31419 · 27/09/2020 05:54

I absolutely hate getting presents, and I'm not bothered about birthdays. I feel really awkward and a bit mortified when people make an effort for mine, i didn't ask and don't want it! But because they've made an effort, I can't just go "nah, take it back", that wouldn't be right so I do say my thank yous.
Its a hard one for me to handle. How can I say to someone I've known for ages please can you respect the fact I don't want presents / don't care about my birthday. Its embarrassing and difficult to navigate
Perhaps he is hoping that by keeping quiet for yours you might get the hint and not do it anymore? Or maybe he's just forgot. Or maybe he thinks that efforts are only for milestone birthdays as you are older.
Sounds like you need to talk to him before assuming the worst - but make it easy for him to answer. I've had partners that have wanted to really talk about seemingly things (not birthdays!) but I didn't say the truth because I was worried they would blow up Or get upset.

Apple31419 · 27/09/2020 05:55

Agreed @CircleofWillis. Looks like I wrote this at the same wierd time in the morning as you!

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2020 07:55

This is totally shit behaviour
Have you spoken to him about it? Directly ask him where your present is.

EarlGreyJenny · 27/09/2020 08:23

My DH similarly crap at birthdays. I have explained to him how I feel, and 20 years later he now makes a bit of effort finally. I'm absolutely not a princess, not bothered about value or going anywhere fancy or anything like that. It's just nice to feel like someone gives a shit about you.

MikeUniformMike · 27/09/2020 08:26

He's just not that into you. Bin him.

Beautyoftheirdreams · 27/09/2020 08:51

That's horrible, I'm sorry. Have you spoken to him about it? Did he even say Happy birthday?
Mine is next week and DP has asked me to choose some things and I know he has ordered something additional because he wants me to have a surprise. He can be a bit rubbish at the details so I always make sure there is wrapping paper in the house the week before and I buy a small cake because he would never think to and the kids like to have cake on a family birthday but he would never just completely ignore it and I would be very very hurt if he did

Justcallmebebes · 27/09/2020 08:57

Absolutely would not forgive this. Total indicator of your value to him. Reciprocate in kind for his next bday

LachlanRose · 27/09/2020 09:10

I love celebrating birthdays and I would have been gutted if my birthday hadn't been marked in any way by my OH. He's been selfish and self centred and I understand your feelings. Happy belated birthday OP.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 27/09/2020 09:16

He's either, selfish, thoughtless or a total tight arse. Whatever it is I couldn't be with someone like this. What a git!

Glendaruel · 27/09/2020 09:17

I would be upset if it was my fiance. He knows birthdays and Christmas is something that is celebrated in my family and is important to me. In his family it's less of a thing. I have an Amazon wishlist to help guide him on things I would love.

After 5 years he should have worked out birthdays are important, has he done this before?

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 09:18

What did he do for previous birthdays?

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2020 09:27

@Taloola40

He doesn't. Sorry.

Did you tell him how you felt?

cantarina · 27/09/2020 09:29

It might be a sign of how much he values you and it might not - you should know the answer to this through how considerate he is otherwise in your relationship. If he has ignored your birthday because he is generally not making an effort, you have bigger problems and need to think more deeply about your relationship.

But, maybe he's not a birthday person or doesn't know how to be - how are his family around birthdays? Tell him how you feel and how you would like birthdays to be in your family. Consider options - maybe you tell him what you want and expect next time, or change it so that you 'don't do' birthdays for each other. If it moves to that, you take charge of yours have lovely birthday celebrations with the kids etc for your birthday...maybe he'll see what he is missing when he didn't get the nice day out, the present your sister organised for you with your kids, the cake. I certainly wouldn't make an ounce of effort for his next birthday if he would be likely to pull this years stunt again. Don't be a martyr about this, if birthdays are important to you but he won't step up, make your own plans.

billy1966 · 27/09/2020 09:35

If he knew and didn't bother I would feel hugely taken for granted.

Hard to believe that he really cares for you and be so thoughtless.

My husband and I aren't big birthday people but we have always involved the children in doing cards and making a fuss.

I was given a bottle of perfume that I I didn't care for by someone years ago.

He has given it to the children on a loop for about 5 years as an easy gift for me and I always made a fuss about it being my favourite!.
It actually gave us a really good laugh as the bottle reappeared each year.

I can understand that you must feel very hurt.
Is he a good kind man generally?
If not, then it's not surprising.

Original poster

Taloola40 · 27/09/2020 09:38

Thanks your your replies everyone.

Yes I did speak with him, I did blurt it out in a heated moment but I'm sure he got the point. I genuinely don't give to get I was just really really hurt that he couldn't get at least a card from the kids. On the whole he is a great partner. But he knows my back story about growing up with alcoholic parents and not really getting much as a child. Maybe that's why I go OTT for others so I'll probably have to look at that lol.

I genuinely think he doesn't realise that's it hurt me so I will speak with him calmly about it.

Thanks again everyone X

OP posts:

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