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Original poster

AIBU at my Fiancé not getting me a Birthday Present!?

55 replies

Taloola40 · 26/09/2020 23:29

My Fiancé and I have been together for over five years. I ALWAYS make an effort for his and our kids birthdays. Recently he had a milestone birthday and I bought an amazing present and took him away for the weekend. My birthday was last week and I got nothing, not even a card he didn't even get the kids to make a card for me. I just don't get it. I know it's not the receiving it's the giving etc. But this has just made me feel like he really doesn't value me at all!! :(

OP posts:
TinySleepThief · 27/09/2020 09:42

I genuinely think he doesn't realise that's it hurt me so I will speak with him calmly about it.

Whilst I would love this to be all a giant misunderstanding don't belittle it. Of course he knew it would hurt you, anyone even small children would know someone would be upset to have their birthday completely ignored.

He might be a nice partner but I would honestly struggle to get over the thoughtlessness of not even acknowledging it with a card from himself and the children.

Joeblack066 · 27/09/2020 09:54

@cantarina

It might be a sign of how much he values you and it might not - you should know the answer to this through how considerate he is otherwise in your relationship. If he has ignored your birthday because he is generally not making an effort, you have bigger problems and need to think more deeply about your relationship.

But, maybe he's not a birthday person or doesn't know how to be - how are his family around birthdays? Tell him how you feel and how you would like birthdays to be in your family. Consider options - maybe you tell him what you want and expect next time, or change it so that you 'don't do' birthdays for each other. If it moves to that, you take charge of yours have lovely birthday celebrations with the kids etc for your birthday...maybe he'll see what he is missing when he didn't get the nice day out, the present your sister organised for you with your kids, the cake. I certainly wouldn't make an ounce of effort for his next birthday if he would be likely to pull this years stunt again. Don't be a martyr about this, if birthdays are important to you but he won't step up, make your own plans.

Don’t be a martyr about this? So if she’s upset about it, that’s her fault is it? OP, I’ve been where you are. The next few years showed him to be a controlling bully. This man does not value you, or your preferences. You deserve better. We all do. Stating how you feel is not being a martyr. It is your right.
cantarina · 27/09/2020 10:03

If he reassures you that next year he will make it up, I would be making the most enormous almighty fuss if it happened again.

JojoMcghee · 27/09/2020 10:03

If he doesn't realise that this is hurtful.... Then he doesn't have a lot if empathy does he?

It's your birthday! He accepted your presents and plans ( weekend away) for his birthday. He understands the concept of birthdays? The reciprocity expected with them? He's not an idiot. Don't let him act like one.

Eddielzzard · 27/09/2020 10:18

Is this the first time?

Original poster
Taloola40 · 27/09/2020 10:25

@Eddielzzard last couple of years between Mother's Day/Xmas and Birthdays there's been very little. I'm not sure if he just thinks we are at a stage we don't need to gift etc. Don't get me wrong I feel very loved by him, that side is totally fine. And maybe I am just being shallow it's just he proudly tells his friends etc that I've spoilt him for his birthdays so surely he must know that's a nice feeling!!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/09/2020 10:56

He just seems thoughtless
Why have you been letting him get away with this for the last few years?

RantyAnty · 27/09/2020 10:59

That would be a dealbreaker for me.

What does he do for you that makes you feel loved?

Rybvita · 27/09/2020 11:12

Well what did he say when you brought it up with him? Surely his own response will tell you what you need to know.

Sakurami · 27/09/2020 11:35

Some people aren't brilliant at birthdays. I'm not fussed but if I knew it was important to my partner I would make an effort. Having said that, even though I am not fussed about presents, I do like to mark the occasion with a party or going away etc.

Maybe give him some ideas or options I'm advance and make it easy for him? I know it isn't the same but he may learn...

mummmy2017 · 27/09/2020 12:04

Time to pull back and stop doing amazing gifts.
Tell him the truth, that he loves bed telling everyone how great you were for his birthday, is he now going to tell them he did nothing for yours, and why would he not want to admit he did nothing.
I'd buy his Xmas gifts, wrap them and keep the receipts. Put them in the garage, or shed Xmas morning and only match what you get, maybe put a token socks gift under the tree.
If he gives you nothing after this talk, I'd return it all and buy myself a gift.

Original poster
Taloola40 · 27/09/2020 12:09

@mummmy2017 I like your thinking x

OP posts:
DragonPie · 27/09/2020 13:07

Stop with the amazing gifts for him. And speak to him again, tell him how hurt and disappointed you are.

BlueThistles · 27/09/2020 15:16

this is awful OP, so he sits back and take take takes but gives no thought in return. I agree, stop making his birthday special. Ignore the day and he'll soon see what that feels like. 🌺

updownroundandround · 27/09/2020 17:18

I'm a little confused to be honest Confused

You've been a couple for over 5 years.............
You have children together..................
You are engaged to be married..............

Any you're actually saying that ;

  1. He did not know it was your birthday.
  2. He did not know it was a milestone birthday.
  3. He did not know the DC would not be able to buy you a card themselves.
  4. He did not know you feel it's important that birthdays are celebrated.

Really ??

I think it's maybe a bit more likely that he did know, all of the above but simply didn't give a toss!

I know you've said he's otherwise a marvelous guy..................but is he really??

cantarina · 27/09/2020 18:01

@Joeblack066 what I meant by 'don't be a martyr' was do not suck this up without a fuss, don't suffer in silence.

Either make it clear what's expected of him where there is confidence he will deliver or choose to proceed without him with a great show of what a good birthday looks like and do not make any fuss of him on his birthdays.

Christmas presents in the garage is great thinking @mummy2017. I'd perhaps wrap something lovely for myself in there, with receipt, just in case he didn't come through.

Joeblack066 · 27/09/2020 18:18

[quote cantarina]@Joeblack066 what I meant by 'don't be a martyr' was do not suck this up without a fuss, don't suffer in silence.

Either make it clear what's expected of him where there is confidence he will deliver or choose to proceed without him with a great show of what a good birthday looks like and do not make any fuss of him on his birthdays.

Christmas presents in the garage is great thinking @mummy2017. I'd perhaps wrap something lovely for myself in there, with receipt, just in case he didn't come through.[/quote]
That makes sense now!!

Eddielzzard · 27/09/2020 20:02

Well it's very shit and he knows it. You know it. My DH did this one year. Did absolutely nothing. I waited and waited. At lunch time I asked him what was happening. My DD starting crying when she found out it was my birthday because she had wanted to make me a card. I read DH the riot act and he's not fucked up since.

If yours still doesn't make the effort, I would stop bothering for him, but this sort of thing is death by a thousand cuts.

widespreadpanic · 27/09/2020 20:05

@updownroundandround

I'm a little confused to be honest Confused

You've been a couple for over 5 years.............
You have children together..................
You are engaged to be married..............

Any you're actually saying that ;

  1. He did not know it was your birthday.
  2. He did not know it was a milestone birthday.
  3. He did not know the DC would not be able to buy you a card themselves.
  4. He did not know you feel it's important that birthdays are celebrated.

Really ??

I think it's maybe a bit more likely that he did know, all of the above but simply didn't give a toss!

I know you've said he's otherwise a marvelous guy..................but is he really??

I totally agree.
lili12300 · 27/09/2020 20:08

I did not recieve.abything from my partner this year, he didn't contribute to DC's birthday present either (I usually get the main gifts and he will get a bit extra) I did go away on my last birthday though.
he has said that he will 'sort something out' but am nearer to my next birthday now..know hoe you feel, and it is rubbish. I think it night he laziness on lart if my DP but that does not excuse it

lili12300 · 27/09/2020 20:08

so many typos.. sorry!

Plussizejumpsuit · 27/09/2020 22:21

@PatsyClinSilVousPlait

I find adults into birthdays excruciating, but it goes both ways, so if he played the game for his own, he should play the game for yours.
I find adults who don't do birthdays excruciating. There's so much stress and general awfulness in the world I try to find joy where I can. That includes making a fuss of loved ones on their birthday and enjoying my own. I honestly find it quite sad people can't find joy in life and enjoy things like this.

Do op yanbu. Especially when you are working hard and bring up children. It's lovely to have a show of love and respect with a little treat. How is he in day to day life with these things?

nimbuscloud · 27/09/2020 22:29

Read widespreadpanic’s post.
Think about it.
How is he amazing?
How long have you been engaged? Have you definite plans to get married?

Wearywithteens · 27/09/2020 22:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

IJustWantSomeBees · 02/10/2020 15:13

He surely doesn't sound amazing at all

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