Constant nitpicking from BF. Am I in the wrong?

[SilentG]

Hi all,
Just want a bit of advice here as to whether I am overeacting here or do I have a right to feel upset?
My non live in BF is extremely house proud but it is starting to get to the point where it is affecting the relationship negatively as I feel like I cant do anything right when I am round there.
Today for example I have been told "make sure when youre brushing your hair it doesnt go on the floor", "why are you wearing flip flops in the house, you will bring dirt in", "you havent put your empty coffee cup in the dishwasher", "can you tidy up your overnight bag as you have left things out of it", "you have left an empty glass by the side of the bed", after making dinner "you have left the food containers out on the side"
I may be slightly more relaxed in terms of cleaning things up, but I am in no means a total slob. Im very happy to tidy away food containers after eating, i might leave an empty coffee cup on the table and then shower and get dressed before coming down and clearing things up that I have used but then I am instantly pounced on for not clearing up straight away.
I have spoken to him about it and how it makes me feel to be constantly "reminded" to do things.
As soon as I arrive at his I get "make sure you wash your hands" and then 5 minutes later "did you wash your hands?"
It makes me feel like a child being told off every 5 minutes. He see's it as me not respecting his home and tidying up after myself and that if i was just a bit more concious of my surroundings, he wouldn't have to keep doing it
It is making me feel like a total incompetent idiot everytime he "reminds" me to do something and I am starting to resent him.

No I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. Have you had a proper conversation with him about how this makes you feel?

He’s non live in now OP but have you considered what it would be like if you were to live together? I’d think long and hard about where this relationship is going as he isn’t likely to change.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong but do you want to move in and potentially spend the rest of your life being nagged like this?!

Not overreacting. He is clearly very highly strung and ott. I could not be around this behaviour.

You have told him how it makes you feel and it hasn't changed anything. You will never be able to relax there.

What a bully.

And yet you keep going round there? Every time he nitpicks I would suggest to him that he doesn't like you being there and you should either meet at your place or somewhere neutral.

Where do you see your relationship going? I'm a messy person and so wouldn't expect to have a serious relationship with someone who is super tidy. If he is genuinely uncomfortable with any mess at all, even temporarily, then he's not going to change. It sounds like you want us to agree that you are normal and he is unreasonable, but actually he is perfectly entitled to have his own home in the condition that he feels most comfortable with. You are both normal but incompatible with each other on the issue of tidiness.

Yes I have, I told him how i felt but he seems to feel like these are basic things I should already be doing anyway and its equally annoying for him

Has he got OCD or other mental health problems?

Passthemustard, yes he suffers from anxiety. Could this be contributing to his need for constant order maybe?

I would be tempted to dump this person.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4034430-To-want-to-be-a-bit-messy

Is this your future?

Don't go round anymore
He would be so hard to live with if you ever got to that point

I think part of it also comes down as well as to how the requests are made. Its always a "remember to..." or "why havent you..." or a passive aggressive "ill clear away coffee cup then". Perhaps if it was framed in a different way such as "when you have a moment are you ok to put your cup away" i wouldnt find it quite so aggravating!
Even today when he asked me to take my water glass downstairs I said yes will do and a few moments later walked to another room (i was planning on fetching it before I went downstairs rather than carrying it around with me room to room) and he instantly said "you didnt take the glass!" Argh!

Never live with him, it will only get worse! I live with one of these and he hid it well until after I was pregnant.

I don't think you are compatible and whilst many people might say it's not a big deal but long term it could be a huge deal. He is effectively making you feel crappy by commenting constantly. How about asking him to not give any reminders during one visit to him and see how he feels at the end. You should behave as normal as possible during that time as best behaviour isn't sustainable long term. You'll both be able to see if it's going to be a huge issue longer term or not. Even if he's anxious and being hyper critical because of it he needs to find a way to not do something which is detrimental to you in order to manage his anxiety.

It sounds very wearing but it seems like he is unwilling to change his approach and you also (quite understandably) are unwilling to change your approach.

How are other parts of your relationship? If everything else works really well, perhaps you could find some compromise on this. If not, then perhaps you and he aren't suited long term.

@Turnedouttoes

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong but do you want to move in and potentially spend the rest of your life being nagged like this?!

God, so much this.

Op please don't fall into the trap of "oh well he has OCD/anxiety so I should ~be supportive~ and try to accommodate him". No, just no. He can go and find someone who is compatible with his quirks, he hasn't the right to make a partner miserable like this. You need to dump him, he will squash the life out of you over time tbh.

You are incompatible. Do not try to fix this or minimise it with 'oh, he has anxiety, OCD, etc' or fall for the fallacy of sunken costs. You're incompatible. End it or continue to waste your time and engage in making your own life more miserable.

You don't live together, this is easy. 'We're not compatible and this relationship has run its course. It's time for me to move on so I'm ending this relationship now.'

You will soon feel like you are living back home with a parent nagging you...
What is he like if he visits you?

He sounds awful! I couldn't live like that.

Don’t ever live with him you’ll never be able to relax,

By not living with him, let alone being married or tied down with a child, you dodged a bullet. Run. It isn't normal behaviour and he sounds very patronising and controlling. Get out now.

I don't think he's in the wrong, I couldn't tolerate someone who didn't put their dirty cup in the dishwasher. People doing things like that in my house makes me and my space feel really disrespected and it affects my mental health. I will never change.

But I also think people who don't just instantly tidy up after themselves will never change either and he will affect your mental health if you live together.

He's certainly not wrong, but neither are you you're just incompatible. Can he go to yours instead?

Dh was a bit like this when we met - he was brought up to be very tidy and ordered then spent time in the army. On our first overnight together I cooked him a delicious meal, we retired to the sofa, I moved to progress upstairs... and he was horrified because we hadn't done the washing up first.

This led to a serious conversation where I told him we clearly had very different standards, that in my view mine were absolutely fine, that he was not right and I was not wrong, and he either needed to recognise he was cleaning for his own pleasure or he needed to find someone else.

Luckily he got it, and we've now been together for 14 years. We have found a happy medium (although we both wobble from time to time).

I agree you’re just not compatible. DP and I are both extremely clean and tidy so it works pretty well as neither of us would leave cups or plates out if they weren’t being used.
However it would be really difficult for me to live with someone who was messy and I imagine I’d be a nightmare for them