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Original poster

Constant nitpicking from BF. Am I in the wrong?

56 replies

SilentG · 26/09/2020 17:02

Hi all,
Just want a bit of advice here as to whether I am overeacting here or do I have a right to feel upset?
My non live in BF is extremely house proud but it is starting to get to the point where it is affecting the relationship negatively as I feel like I cant do anything right when I am round there.
Today for example I have been told "make sure when youre brushing your hair it doesnt go on the floor", "why are you wearing flip flops in the house, you will bring dirt in", "you havent put your empty coffee cup in the dishwasher", "can you tidy up your overnight bag as you have left things out of it", "you have left an empty glass by the side of the bed", after making dinner "you have left the food containers out on the side"
I may be slightly more relaxed in terms of cleaning things up, but I am in no means a total slob. Im very happy to tidy away food containers after eating, i might leave an empty coffee cup on the table and then shower and get dressed before coming down and clearing things up that I have used but then I am instantly pounced on for not clearing up straight away.
I have spoken to him about it and how it makes me feel to be constantly "reminded" to do things.
As soon as I arrive at his I get "make sure you wash your hands" and then 5 minutes later "did you wash your hands?"
It makes me feel like a child being told off every 5 minutes. He see's it as me not respecting his home and tidying up after myself and that if i was just a bit more concious of my surroundings, he wouldn't have to keep doing it
It is making me feel like a total incompetent idiot everytime he "reminds" me to do something and I am starting to resent him.

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 26/09/2020 18:11

I was once with someone like this, it ended up making me feel anxious as I felt I couldn't ever do anything right. Get out now.

Kalula · 26/09/2020 18:19

You know what this reminds me of, Keeping Up Appearances where Elizabeth was a nervous wreck about spilling things like her tea and biscuit crumbs.

Runnerduck34 · 26/09/2020 18:47

Yanbu, he sounds a bit OCD.
I think you need to talk to him about how it makes you feel and put down some house rules where both of you compromise a bit, if that doesn't work then tbh it probably isnt the right relationship for either of you , it will only cause more tension if you do move in together in the future.
Dont feel you have to completely fit in with his expectations, you dont sound like a slob, what you did sounds normal tbh

TwentyViginti · 26/09/2020 19:01

@Kalula

You know what this reminds me of, Keeping Up Appearances where Elizabeth was a nervous wreck about spilling things like her tea and biscuit crumbs.
Oh yes! Grin

OP how does he manage to have sex? An activity not known for its spotlessness.

Whatever the reason for his hyper vigilance re tidying - it's not your problem to fix. Sounds super stressful.

barskits · 26/09/2020 19:26

Telling a grown adult to make sure you don't drop hairs on the floor when you brush your hair is most definitely not normal.

and that if I was just a bit more conscious of my surroundings, he wouldn't have to keep doing it In other words, he wants to train you to do exactly as you are told.

Is this what you want the rest of your life to be like?

S00LA · 26/09/2020 19:29

@BadDucks

He’s non live in now OP but have you considered what it would be like if you were to live together? I’d think long and hard about where this relationship is going as he isn’t likely to change.
This.
Bananalanacake · 26/09/2020 19:34

What's he like when he comes to your place, is it just as bad.

category12 · 26/09/2020 19:39

If this is grating on you both now, when you don't live together - it'd be a huge mistake to progress into living together.

Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 26/09/2020 19:41

Oh Christ he sounds awful. I know he’s not objectively wrong but I will never understand why a cup left on a bedside table or things not immediately put away are a big deal to anyone and I’m perfectly happy with how tidy/messy I am, some might think I’m a slob but I think obsessive minimalist cleanliness is sociopathic. I couldn’t date someone like this and it sounds like you shouldn’t be either

Original poster
SilentG · 26/09/2020 19:52

He doesn't often come to my place as I am in a small flat with a housemate and we only live a 3 minute drive apart so I usually always just jump in the car to his (lives alone with much more space). He isnt like it at mine and only seems to care when its his own place

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 26/09/2020 19:57

Look, stop trying to analyse this. When people show you who they are, believe them. You're not compatible. You're wasting your time and growing more resentful. This is no way to live. Stop flogging a dead horse and move on.

Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 26/09/2020 20:00

Totally missing the point here but if it’s only a three minute drive surely it’s walkable...

frozendaisy · 26/09/2020 20:10

To be honest I would have only been there once. Life is too short to be nagged over an empty water glass, really think about it.

Can you not try "I'm not coming round again if you are going to nag over an empty water glass life should be more fun than this"

Heatherjayne1972 · 26/09/2020 20:14

I had a bf like this. I couldn’t deal with it at all. he came in from work one evening when I’d spent my whole day off cleaning and tidying up - and was cross because the house was ‘such a tip’
The relationship ended pretty quickly after that

HollowTalk · 26/09/2020 20:17

@SilentG

He doesn't often come to my place as I am in a small flat with a housemate and we only live a 3 minute drive apart so I usually always just jump in the car to his (lives alone with much more space). He isnt like it at mine and only seems to care when its his own place
So does he tidy up after himself at your house? To be honest, I'm surprised you go to his house. It sounds very stressful.
jay55 · 26/09/2020 20:21

I couldn't be doing every little thing on his timetable.
I reuse my coffee cups a few times and might keep the water glass by my bed and rinse and refill at bedtime.

And making sure your stuff is always in your overnight bag is so unwelcoming.

LindaEllen · 26/09/2020 21:09

@SilentG

Passthemustard, yes he suffers from anxiety. Could this be contributing to his need for constant order maybe?
I have anxiety and I admit that I used to be a little bit like this. Things have improved a lot since I've been in a reliable and supportive relationship though and I definitely don't nag as much anymore.

It's not an excuse, I knew I was being unfair projecting my issues onto him, but just saying it could be due to his anxiety. Best thing to do is talk to him about it, though.

KatySun · 26/09/2020 21:18

I have to wonder if you are with my ex!
I ended up with terrible anxiety and really quite ill sticking to his rules and meeting his standards the whole time. I don’t think you are in the wrong. Honestly, do not put yourself through this!

pictish · 26/09/2020 21:26

How have you managed not to scream?!
This would drive me demented. It may seem like a questionable quirk now but after it becoming prevalent in any home you share together it’ll feel like being smothered by a jay cloth with his face on it.
Make sure you don’t let any hair fall on the floor? Do fuck off mate.

nosswith · 26/09/2020 22:08

It seems obsessive not house proud to me. Seems like you are incompatible.

Aerial2020 · 26/09/2020 22:23

How does he react if you say no or you'll do it later?

Original poster
SilentG · 26/09/2020 22:40

@Aerial2020

How does he react if you say no or you'll do it later?
He will say something sarcastic like "I'll tidy it then shall I?" or just say "Shock"
OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 26/09/2020 23:27

What a twat.
Just say ok then or leave.

nevernotstruggling · 26/09/2020 23:33

Life is too short to deal with this horsecrap. If you were you're best friend you would say move on and find a man who is more fun x

KatySun · 27/09/2020 06:09

Sorry but that sounds awful.

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