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Original poster

Realised im bi sexual at 30 with children and married

101 replies

Ecowarrior90 · 26/09/2020 15:33

I have recently come to the conclusion i am bi sexual. I am married with children and feel i have missed time to explore a part of me? Does that make sense? Feeling so stagnant and confused Sad

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 26/09/2020 16:36

Sexuality isn't just about having sex with people @Ohalrightthen. It's a big part of an individual's sense of self. By 'explore' I would assume the OP means coming to terms with her own feelings so that she can then make a rational decision about how to move forward.

I've been here 14 years, and honestly, I've never seen a thread where a woman was questioning her sexuality that didn't end up full of accusations of inevitable infidelity.

Ohalrightthen · 26/09/2020 16:42

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RuffleCrow · 26/09/2020 16:42

It's also interesting how these sorts of accusations never crop up on the "which male celebs are on your laminated list of male celebs dh has to let you sleep with?" type threads. Despite them being full of women stating they would if they could.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 26/09/2020 16:43

Perhaps the OP should consider talking it through with a counselor then.

Ohalrightthen · 26/09/2020 16:43

If OP is talking about going to Pride or joining a queer society, then that's something entirely different, but somehow it doesn't seem like that's what she means.

RuffleCrow · 26/09/2020 16:47

Of course something has changed: her awareness of her sexuality has changed. To you that might be nothing, but to other people it feels like a pretty big deal - and they are entitled to their feelings. If you've always consciously known you're bisexual - or your awareness developed at a time when you weren't married with kids then how can you know what the op's going through? @ohalrightthen

PachinkoFreeFood · 26/09/2020 16:48

Watching this thread with interest OP as I'm in the same boat.

Ohalrightthen · 26/09/2020 16:49

@RuffleCrow

Of course something has changed: her awareness of her sexuality has changed. To you that might be nothing, but to other people it feels like a pretty big deal - and they are entitled to their feelings. If you've always consciously known you're bisexual - or your awareness developed at a time when you weren't married with kids then how can you know what the op's going through? *@ohalrightthen*
Yes, it feels like a big deal. But if she's happy in her marriage, it really isn't a big deal. It changes nothing! She's still who she always was. That's what I'm trying to say. It might feel like everything has changed, but it hasn't.
NellyJames · 26/09/2020 16:53

This is why I’m teaching my teenager and will teach her younger siblings the importance in exploring their sexuality and sexual likes and dislikes when young and before making a commitment.

I hope and expect her to have lots of fun, safe (in every way) sex at university whilst she decides what she wants in every strand of her life.

Sorry Op. not much help to you and I hope you find peace.

LunaNorth · 26/09/2020 17:09

I’m not having a go at you, OP, honest.

It’s just that if your relationship OH was fulfilling you, you wouldn’t feel like you were missing out.

When I was married to my first husband, it used to piss me off something rotten that I’d never had sex with anyone but him. I felt like I settled down too quick, hadn’t scratched all my itches, etc etc.

We divorced, and I married the next man I slept with, so I still haven’t sown my wild oats! The difference is, it doesn’t bother me at all. DH ticks all my boxes, in every way. Nobody else would measure up.

So what I’m saying is, the restlessness is the problem. It doesn’t matter what’s on the other side of the fence - your problem is you want to go and have a look.

Original poster
Ecowarrior90 · 26/09/2020 17:14

Feel like i need to clarify again this is not about cheating... I was looking for support in the fact that i have realised i am bi sexual and i do feel i am being dishonest by not telling my husband. But i am scared to do so even though i feel he would support me fully. @RuffleCrow understands my point. It isnt about sleeping with other women as such more for me to come to some conclusion for myself as to my "new identity" going forward with my life. If i had this epiphany before marriage i would not feel such a fraud in my identity. I would of explored this and been honest with everyone around me.
I am the same with my children @NellyJames

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 26/09/2020 17:17

It’s not such a big deal if you don’t plan to do anything about it.

Why are you tying yourself up in knots? You fancy women as well as men. So?

So do I, if it helps. I don’t need a label and I don’t feel the need to tell anyone. I doubt they’d be interested.

Oh, my DH knows. He finds it quite sexy Grin

mummmy2017 · 26/09/2020 17:21

Sorry but this does change everything.
If my DH suddenly told me he fancied men, it would rip my world apart.
I would constantly wonder if he was going to act on this thought.
Had he already done so and cheated on me.

Craddle64 · 26/09/2020 17:22

Genuinely curious how:

  1. You got to 30 without realising you sometimes also fancy some women
  2. Explore what? You aren't a lesbian. As bisexual you aren't lying or deprived by being with a man.

I sometimes wonder what if what if i wish id dated more but at the end of the day it is what it is.

This is gross but to some men 'lesbian' sex isn't cheating so if you want to explore that, your husband might be ok with it.

There is no new identity, you were always the same person. After 10 years a lot of people fall into comfy stale relationships, it's not surprising to wonder what else is there. Rare are those couples that are exceptionally in love and devoted for 20+ years. very very rare.

I think as bi you aren't disadvantaged by being with a man if you feel a lacking then its a relationship problem not an exploration one, imho.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/09/2020 17:24

I don't think it is keeping anything from him though? Has he ever actually asked you if you are bi/straight?

DoTheNextRightThing · 26/09/2020 17:25

I understand OP. I knew I was bisexual for years before I met my DP, but never had a relationship or even a fling with a woman. Once I met DP I knew he was the one, and so I don’t want anyone else. But I do look back and think damn, if I knew he was going to come along I would've made more of an attempt to be with some women first 😂 My partner is very aware of my bisexuality, and understands where I'm coming from. There are lots of things in life we regret not doing. I don't think there's anything wrong with wishing you'd realised your sexuality sooner. It doesn't mean you would want to cheat, despite what PP are saying here. I know how you feel.

Craddle64 · 26/09/2020 17:26

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DandyMandy · 26/09/2020 17:33

You're being given a hard time over this because there's a lot of stigma in regards to being a bisexual woman. I feel for you, OP. I can tell that you love your husband and you haven't said anything to imply you're going to cheat, so I recommend ignoring the ignorant, biphobic ones on this thread. Talk to your husband about it and see how it goes. Best of luck.

workhomesleeprepeat · 26/09/2020 17:40

I think you should tell your DH - if he is as good a man as you say, he will be supportive of this realisation, and speaking to him could help you sort out some of your feelings. You sound very alone in this right now. Wishing you the best!

workhomesleeprepeat · 26/09/2020 17:43

@Craddle64 you could never be with a bi man eh? What about any man who had experimented with another man?

Because chances are you have, but biphobic and homophobic views like yours are the reason that most men who have experimented never talk about it

Craddle64 · 26/09/2020 17:50

It's not biphobic to not want to be with one. I'm sure bimen aren't dying to be with me anyway. Each to their own.
No i wouldn't knowingly want to be with a bi man or a man who had sexual or romantic experiences with men. People can choose whatever qualities they want in a partner, being straight is important to me 🤷🏼‍♀️ no phobias about it. It's not like a relationship with me is a human right 😂

Staffy1 · 26/09/2020 17:53

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workhomesleeprepeat · 26/09/2020 17:56

@Craddle64 I guess it’s not necessarily biophobic to not want to be with an openly bi man (I think it is, but willing to accept that it could just be my opinion) but you’ve demonstrated lots of other biphobic views in your posts - how is a bi man different to a bi woman?

Redwinestillfine · 26/09/2020 18:01

Great you know yourself better but it has zero bearing on your relationship (unless you are planning on coming clean but I would think long and hard before opening that can of worms).

Vortice · 26/09/2020 18:02

Dress it up however you like; we're talking being unfaithful.

No we aren’t. This kind of biphobic nonsense is really stigmatising and unhelpful. OP is NOT talking about cheating, and it is an absurd stretch to suggest that she is just because she has realised something fundamental about her identity late in life.

OP - please just be aware that I have, many times, witnessed really shocking levels of biphobia on mumsnet. There are many posters who will refuse to accept that being bisexual doesn’t make you more likely to cheat, less able to stay in a committed relationship, etc. Please don’t take comments like that to heart, because they are only reflective of the ignorance of the people who make them and not of you.

My perspective on your situation is that I understand completely. I am bisexual, married to a man, and not ‘out’ to most people. My husband knows and is absolutely fine with it, but my family don’t and lots of close friends don’t. Although I have had a couple of relationships with women in the past, they were never serious enough for me to take the step of telling my family.

It does feel to me like quite a large part of my identity is unacknowledged and unexplored. I am so in love with my husband and so happy with him, but it’s not very easy knowing that I’m bi and it being a secret that has never really been openly expressed. I completely get why you feel like in coming to this realisation later in your life makes you feel like you’ve never given an important part of yourself any kind of free expression.

It may help you to remember you’re not any less valid, or any less bisexual, for being married to a man and having realised late in life. The relentless grind of heteronormativity means that it is very, very common for bisexual women not to recognise that they are bisexual until later in life. It doesn’t make you any less who you are.