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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Devastated and don't know what to expect

64 replies

helpmeeeeee · 24/09/2020 14:07

Recently going through a break up after 6 years. I'm 25. Absolutely devastated and feel like I am losing my right arm. This man is my best friend, he has a heart of gold and there's never been any sort of abuse.

Everything was perfect until about 6 months ago. There was no more sex, he was very laid back and things got hard. We were constantly discussing the state of the relationship, we were going round in circles and eventually it had fizzled out. He ended it and I really really wanted to start again but he doesn't.

He says he's not in the right place for a relationship, his barriers are fully up and the last few months have ripped him apart. He thinks we are both unhappy in ourselves and lost ourselves in the last 6 months, and we need time now to focus on and fix ourselves.

But he kept saying "if we're meant to be we will be" and mentioned there's always the possibility we will turn around in however many months and realise we are now happy in ourselves but would be happier together.

So how do I play this now? I fully believe we are so compatible and the fact he's leaving the door open gets my hopes up so much. I think I need to go NC and let him miss me. But I really want to do this right to give us the best chance to rekindle ☹️ what do I do?

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 24/09/2020 14:12

I think his head has been turned by someone else op. Bit odd that out of the blue the sex just stops and he starts spouting some bs about you both needing to fo self work.

Either way, YOU close the door on this op. And not to give him space to miss you. But because it's over.

Bunnymumy · 24/09/2020 14:13

*to do self work

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2020 14:14

I’m sorry op I think he’s softening it by giving hope but actually that’s the cruelest thing to do.

Lozzerbmc · 24/09/2020 14:14

I’d suggest not getting in touch and start thinking about what you want from your life! Sounds like it has just run its course. You were very young when you got together. There may be someone waiting in the wings... its hard I know, heartbreak is never easy but dont waste your time thinking about him, whats he thinking, what does he want. Think about you!

Anordinarymum · 24/09/2020 14:14

Sadly I agree with Bunnymummy. He is also not being fair with you by saying things to make you think you could start over again when he is done with it IMHO

Original poster

helpmeeeeee · 24/09/2020 14:14

I really don't think there's someone else, my explanation wasn't the best - the sex stopped from both our sides, probably mainly me, and we've gone round in circles and discussed for months

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2020 14:15

Why did you wish to stop having sex with him? At twenty five that’s not a good sign,..

Original poster

helpmeeeeee · 24/09/2020 14:16

Was on SSRIs for a while so think my libido was affected and desire just never came back

OP posts:

QueenieMum · 24/09/2020 14:20

Sorry you're going through this In my experience, your ex is trying to hedge his bets and keeping you as an option for him if nothing better turns up. I've also got back with an ex twice and neither worked out because of the same issues that caused us to split in the first place.

Concentrate on yourself, be kind to yourself and above all don't let what someone else wants become more important than what you want. You deserve to be happy.

Bunnymumy · 24/09/2020 14:22

I think you need to let this one go op. While the good memories are still that and not tainted by ongoing uncertainties and heartache.

I agree with pp who said that in his own mind he may be trying to soften the blow for you by saying 'WE need' rather than what he means (I need) and that its mutually beneficial and that you 'never know what may happen in the future'. But in truth this is just dragging things out and giving you false hope.

In some ways though he might be right about being single for a time being good for you. I mean you got together at 19? Maybe it's time to take some me time and learn to be ok being on your own for a bit. There will be plenty other men.

Be brave, make a clean break.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 24/09/2020 14:29

Time to let him go op.

Shut the door, have dignity, allow yourself to feel pain about it.

Do not try to engineer a situation where you imagine you'll bring him back to you. It just doesn't work that way, im sorry.

Even if it did, nothing will have changed and you would just split up again. A person who splits with you after 6 years together because of side effects of a medication is simply not a long term prospect. He will just do the same every time something happens that inconveniences him.

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2020 15:06

And why did he stop wishing to have sex with you?

If you were on anti depressants, you both stopped wishing to be intimate, maybe he’s right that you’re both unhappy in yourselves. It shouldn’t be this hard at this age, and although mental illness clearly can have a devastating impact on a relationship maybe it is time to focus on yourselves?

Greeneyes78 · 24/09/2020 15:37

someone else

PippaRose · 24/09/2020 15:52

I ended a 6 year relationship at that age many years ago. It’s so tough.

I agree he’s not being fair. Going no contact will be tough but I would say for the best. Then focus on you and what you want, there is a big world out there and although Covid isn’t helping there is so much out there for you and you are so young.

Yes it might be that you get back together one day but live your life for you and see what happens.

It will get better!

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2020 15:55

He's done, op. It's over. I'm sorry to be harsh but it's true. You need to move on with your life and explore new horizons.

widespreadpanic · 24/09/2020 15:55

Go no contact. Block his number because he will be back when he realizes he can’t “replace” you. This happened to me and when he came crawling back I was so over him by then. It was such a relief.

wizzbangfizz · 24/09/2020 15:59

By keeping you dangling he is keeping his options open - reading between the lines he wants to see what else is out there and at 26 frankly I don't blame him. He may well come crawling back and want to re start things but my advice would be focus on you, what you want right now and enjoy single life for a bit.

HotDiggidy2017 · 24/09/2020 16:37

Sounds like he might have been trying to soften the blow. Breaking up with someone is so tough (and being broken up with!) and he obviously just didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I was dumped at your age and after a similar length of relationship, I had 6 months of incredible pain and then it was like a switched flicked and I felt amazing and so at peace about it - you need to get to know yourself again, it’s a fantastic age to do it!

StressedMom4 · 24/09/2020 16:45

Oh @helpmeeeeee, I'm so sorry your going through this. I don't believe he's met someone else and it's certainly not going to help you move on following that trail of thought.

I say this to be kind but it sounds like he's fallen out of love. Six years is a long relationship especially when you got together at 19. These past months have been so hard, even I thought I was handling everything quite well until recent weeks where I've just found myself feeling so lost and overwhelmed.

It sounds like it's been hard on both of you, and your partner has gotten lost in whatever he's feeling and feels it's right to end things.

It's going to be really hard but I don't think you should contact him at all, at least wait for him to reach out first. Absolutely cry your heart out but take this as an opportunity to look after yourself 💜

Original poster

helpmeeeeee · 24/09/2020 16:51

Thank you so much everyone how lovely of you all

I just feel so lost now and I know it's easy to say to work on myself, but realistically I don't have many friends and they're always so busy with their own lives. I don't have many hobbies. I'm okay when I'm out with friends or busy, but it's when I'm not busy that I struggle so much and just sit and think about everything ☹️

OP posts:

TOFO1965 · 24/09/2020 16:58

It’s over, I’m so sorry because I know that’s painful. He’s moved on. Go no contact and don’t be surprised if someone else is in the background.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 24/09/2020 17:01

You need to make a clean break. So does he. He's not being fair on you. You'll have to tell him there's no 'just friends' or 'staying in touch' because it's not fair on you.

wizzbangfizz · 24/09/2020 17:04

Agree with a PP about this being a great age to focus on yourself. Just look at threads on here and people who have gotten together young then end up in sexless marriages, are different people and then end up staying together for the sake of the kids. I'm not saying by an means all but I think there is a lot to be said for not settling down with the person you have been with since being a teenager

Dery · 24/09/2020 17:07

"Agree with a PP about this being a great age to focus on yourself. Just look at threads on here and people who have gotten together young then end up in sexless marriages, are different people and then end up staying together for the sake of the kids. I'm not saying by an means all but I think there is a lot to be said for not settling down with the person you have been with since being a teenager"

This with bells on.

HotDiggidy2017 · 24/09/2020 17:52

@helpmeeeeee

Thank you so much everyone how lovely of you all

Ah I really feel this, bless you! It must feel like suddenly so much dreaded alone time is looming and I’m not gonna lie, I avoided taking annual leave from work after my break up as I just needed to stay busy (and sane!).

It been a long relationship so you may not feel like you have many hobbies now but I promise you will quickly develop new interests! A year after my break up I hiked 1000 miles (I had NEVER camped before in my life but I just had so much more confidence).

You’ll get there and in the meantime you might cry yourself to sleep or watch rom coms on repeat but that’s ok, cos the only way out is through ❤️

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