Devastated and don't know what to expect

[helpmeeeeee]

Recently going through a break up after 6 years. I'm 25. Absolutely devastated and feel like I am losing my right arm. This man is my best friend, he has a heart of gold and there's never been any sort of abuse.

Everything was perfect until about 6 months ago. There was no more sex, he was very laid back and things got hard. We were constantly discussing the state of the relationship, we were going round in circles and eventually it had fizzled out. He ended it and I really really wanted to start again but he doesn't.

He says he's not in the right place for a relationship, his barriers are fully up and the last few months have ripped him apart. He thinks we are both unhappy in ourselves and lost ourselves in the last 6 months, and we need time now to focus on and fix ourselves.

But he kept saying "if we're meant to be we will be" and mentioned there's always the possibility we will turn around in however many months and realise we are now happy in ourselves but would be happier together.

So how do I play this now? I fully believe we are so compatible and the fact he's leaving the door open gets my hopes up so much. I think I need to go NC and let him miss me. But I really want to do this right to give us the best chance to rekindle ☹️ what do I do?

TBH I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Sometimes relationships run their course, and at 25 he’s not wrong to not want to be in a sexless relationship, regardless of the reason why that has come about.

To the PP who questioned why he stopped having sex with the OP, presumably because she had no libido he didn’t feel that he should be pushing for sex, if he’d pushed for more sex he would have been considered to be in the wrong for doing that so he clearly couldn’t win either way.

OP six years is a long time especially when you’ve been together since you were so young. I suspect that he feels similar and unlike other posters I don’t see saying “if it’s meant to be” as a game he’s playing, I suspect it’s more a case of his not wanting the relationship to end but feeling it’s gone beyond repair and wishing it hadn’t.

But it’s over. It seems impossible now but you will get through it I promise. You don’t have children together so you don’t need to maintain a relationship for their sake.

You need to both give yourselves time to come to terms with the breakup and in time you will be able to look back at the good bits of the relationship without feeling the sadness over the loss...

I just read the thread, I think you did the right thing by not going. I know things are hard now but they will get better. The advice about redoing up the flat is brilliant as it will keep you busy and your mind will focus on soft furnishings and decor.

I would ask him to post you the document and you will post it back. You've already said goodbye, you made yourself absent when he moved his stuff out. You may not feel it but by not seeing him you've started moving on. By seeing him you will set yourself back plus run the risk of begging him for another chance and being rejected. It sounds like his mind was made up and even if if you did convince him to make another go of it you would be constantly worrying if he was going to leave again, afraid to upset him in case he left. If he's going to come back to you he needs to come back on his own accord.

You need to mind you for now, do new things make new friends. You will be fine.

Was planning on spending the day at my parents house but they're basically telling me I'm pathetic for making a big deal over today and being upset over the possibility of signing this document if he leaves it outside the door (has to be done today apparently).
I have had no support system today on a day that I thought was really hard. My family have not tried to distract me or are even being supportive. Am I being dramatic? None of my friends were free either. I feel so alone..

Oh you poor thing. What a shitty situation. Years ago my dad picked me up as I was leaving the marital home and going to lodge at a friends house.

Just before I shut the door I looked in and started to cry. Dad said something like - what on earth is the matter with you? I was amazed tbh. Erm - leaving my home of 10 years might have something to do with it! He was usually very supportive.

Are they glad that you've parted perhaps? Still feels shitty though I know. Would chatting on here help?

I'm back in the flat...

He's left all the photo frames etc that I asked him to look through and help me get rid of, I now have to do it all by myself.
I left him the car key on the table with a letter to say goodbye, a note explaining where his things are and a chocolate bar that he'd left. He's chucked his keys on the table and just left them with nothing else.
He's also left me to clear our draw full of 'our stuff' so loads of notes, cards, holiday tickets and receipts etc.
I'm so hurt ☹️

Oh sweetheart. I wish there was something I could say that would help

Thank you lovely Xxx
I'm hurting so much 😥

@helpmeeeeee

Thank you lovely Xxx I'm hurting so much 😥

Hand hold for you.

I know the pain is horrible. Just try to let it occur. The more you let the pain just exist, the quicker it clears off.

Sending you a big hug x

Oh love that is awful but please try and stay strong and don't message him you will get through this, i promise you!

You don’t need to sort though any of your photos or your “ special things”. In fact I Absolutely forbid you to do so. I command you to put them all in a box and shove then Somewhere out of the way where you can’t see them. Top of a wardrobe, back of a cupboard, under a spare bed.

Then get a small amount of your favourite tipple, a large amount of your favourite snacks / food and a box set ( no romance or romcoms ) and settle down for the evening.

I’m sorry your parents are so lacking in empathy. I hope they are otherwise good people.

I forgot to add that I am Queen of Mumsnet so you have to do what I say.

Thank you everyone 🤍

Woken up feeling awful today. I constantly feel empty and just nothing. It sounds dramatic but it's everything as well as my break up, I've had mental health issues for years which I think played a part in pushing my ex away as well.
I just wake up with nothing, no texts or visits from anyone - I have a few friends but they're all busy with their own lives and haven't really reached out to me. I've lost one of my best friends too cos she said I was too much of a burden lol
I just feel so lonely and empty. I don't want to act on any dark thoughts but I feel I have nothing to be here for and just want to sleep the day away

Be kind to yourself.

Get rid of everything that reminds you of him as fast as you can. Tip everything into a bin liner, don't give in to the urge to go through things, honestly, it makes it worse. Just get it out of the house, fast. Put yourself on some podcasts or something lighthearted - you won't feel like laughing but it's a distraction.

Then do something nice, just for you. Either a long bath or a walk or visit somewhere nice, just do something that makes you feel better even just for a moment. Eat something good. Watch crap telly.

You are breaking a long-existing habit and that's hard. Like giving up smoking or eating crisps. But once you've got through the next few days, it will start to feel easier. Time, I am afraid, is the only healer that really helps. But podcasts and chocolate have a part to play...

What @Zaphodsotherhead said. It’s a shame that your friends are busy but that’s life I’m afraid. You need to get up and out if you can.

Not to a cafe where you will sit watching other couples and pine for him. But a walk / run / cycle in the park.

No one is going to nurse you through this I’m afraid, you need to take care of yourself.

Do you work / have hobbies / do sports? Take up something new, read A book, join a book group , take an online course, do an exercise class, theres many things to do.

Text your friends and make times for see them over the next few weeks.

Of course you don’t have nothing ! You have a safe roof over your head, a Comfortable home, enough money to live on , good health, family and friends, a whoLe future ahead of you.

I know it’s tough but that catastrophic thinking isn’t going to help you.