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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated and don't know what to expect

64 replies

helpmeeeeee · 24/09/2020 14:07

Recently going through a break up after 6 years. I'm 25. Absolutely devastated and feel like I am losing my right arm. This man is my best friend, he has a heart of gold and there's never been any sort of abuse.

Everything was perfect until about 6 months ago. There was no more sex, he was very laid back and things got hard. We were constantly discussing the state of the relationship, we were going round in circles and eventually it had fizzled out. He ended it and I really really wanted to start again but he doesn't.

He says he's not in the right place for a relationship, his barriers are fully up and the last few months have ripped him apart. He thinks we are both unhappy in ourselves and lost ourselves in the last 6 months, and we need time now to focus on and fix ourselves.

But he kept saying "if we're meant to be we will be" and mentioned there's always the possibility we will turn around in however many months and realise we are now happy in ourselves but would be happier together.

So how do I play this now? I fully believe we are so compatible and the fact he's leaving the door open gets my hopes up so much. I think I need to go NC and let him miss me. But I really want to do this right to give us the best chance to rekindle ☹️ what do I do?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 24/09/2020 18:04

"if we're meant to be we will be"

What absolute shit, what he probably means is I don't love you any more or more likely I've found someone else or I'm interested in someone else.
A bit of honesty would be nice.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 24/09/2020 18:19

@wizzbangfizz

By keeping you dangling he is keeping his options open - reading between the lines he wants to see what else is out there and at 26 frankly I don't blame him. He may well come crawling back and want to re start things but my advice would be focus on you, what you want right now and enjoy single life for a bit.
"If we are meant to be, we will be" translates as "If I don't find anyone better out there then I will come back and expect to be welcomed with open arms." You are still young. You should be looking around, living a single life, and meeting some cute guy who isn't a pretentious jerk.
Rybvita · 24/09/2020 18:31

Don't worry OP. Plenty of teenage to adulthood relationships end and best to find out now that you wont last rather than when you're married!

From your post you come across as overly dependent on him. This is quite common if you've been with the same person since very young. Interestingly men dont normally have that level of emotional dependency, because sex tends not to bond them so emotionally to their partners. This is in contrast to women, which is why sex is such a minefield for women. Unfortunately prepare for him to move on quickly to another woman.

The important thing is to not jump into another relationship. It's never healthy to make a man the centre of your life, especially when you're not even married (i.e. legal commitment). Spend time on your friendships (hopefully you've not been the sort of friend who makes her boyfriend her whole world then neglects her friends!) and getting to know yourself.

Original poster
helpmeeeeee · 25/09/2020 10:26

Thanks everyone Xxx
Did not sleep at all last night ☹️ miss him more than anything and so wish we could've made things work. He's coming down tomorrow to move his stuff out of our flat and I'm not going anywhere near because we said our goodbyes already and I would just break down! Gonna be so hard knowing he's down the road though

OP posts:
wizzbangfizz · 25/09/2020 11:49

Dont be there dont message him and stay strong OP!

freeingNora · 25/09/2020 12:07

@helpmeeeeee

Thank you so much everyone how lovely of you all Flowers

I just feel so lost now and I know it's easy to say to work on myself, but realistically I don't have many friends and they're always so busy with their own lives. I don't have many hobbies. I'm okay when I'm out with friends or busy, but it's when I'm not busy that I struggle so much and just sit and think about everything ☹️

Perhaps the reason you feel so lost is how much the relationship was about him. Was it really an equal relationship. If you feel lost how about using the time to think about you what you like why you like what you like. The only life long relationship you'll have is with yourself how well do you know yourself. Grieve give yourself space. Go no contact with him and see what time does for you

25 is too young to be hung up on a man and he's not being fair with his doors open what will be will be. I find it hard to believe he hasn't at least got another table to put his boots under

ThanksThanks

Original poster
helpmeeeeee · 25/09/2020 20:26

🤍🤍🤍

Struggling SO much today. Got nothing planned for this weekend as all my friends seem to be busy. I wish I had a big group of pals I could just go out with.
He's coming to the flat tomorrow to move his stuff there. I'll be at my parents for the day but the thought is making me so sick, and next time I go in his stuff will be gone. Feel sick ☹️☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmeeeeee · 25/09/2020 20:27

**move his stuff out I mean!

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 25/09/2020 20:35

Maybe bag his stuff up and move it to the door at the ready. Then you might get a better sense of closure rather than just coming home and finding the place bare tomorrow.

ElBurro · 25/09/2020 21:10

OP, I’ve been there and it’s so sad. I kept a journal at the time and just poured my heart out in to it every day, sometimes several times a day. Things got better. And life is better than ever now. I look back on that journal now sometimes and wish I could go back and give myself a big hug and tell myself how well everything would turn out.

Can you afford to get a couple of new bits and bobs for your place? Some new cushions, plants, maybe new bedcovers? Make it your place now.

I feel for you OP, but just keep going Flowers

Original poster
helpmeeeeee · 25/09/2020 21:28

I absolutely know it's the right thing to keep my distance and I am going to.
But I can't help but feel like I will regret not going down there when he's there (only 10 mins from my parents house where I will be tomorrow) and fighting one last time for a chance?? like I'll never know what couldve been if I dont. Someone please talk some sense into me 🥺

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmeeeeee · 25/09/2020 21:50

Will I regret not going there?

OP posts:
DetectorSpective · 25/09/2020 21:56

I have PMed you Smile

Bunnymumy · 25/09/2020 21:56

Why would begging someone for 'another chance' make them suddenly go 'you know what I've magically changed my mind' ? It won't. So dont be daft.

Even if he did, you'd never be happy with him again because you'd be constantly paranoid he would just walk out again. You would spend your days miserable and walking on eggshells. Forced to look upon him knowing he doesnt actually want to be with you anymore.

OP maintain your dignity, stay away. Respect his choices. And his boundaries.

AbbieFB · 25/09/2020 22:02

You will regret it if you do go. This is hard for you now, but please believe that you will be okay.

In time you would regret it if you go tomorrow.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 25/09/2020 22:06

Op, what you'll regret is making yourself pathetic in his eyes.

No man pops a hard on for a woman they've rejected trying to beg them back.

I'm sorry I know thats really harsh. My intention is to protect you from yourself. Don't debase yourself by trying to talk him into wanting you back, it will be mortifying and he will probably say things that he will later take back, because he wants to end the conversation by any means. Then when he takes it all back you'll be back to square one.

S00LA · 25/09/2020 22:13

Can you afford to get a couple of new bits and bobs for your place? Some new cushions, plants, maybe new bedcovers? Make it your place now

Do this. Especially the bedroom. Get new bedlinen and move around the bedroom furniture if you can to have the bed on a different wall . Repainting is cheap and easy to do yourself. Curtains and blinds are cheap in Ikea.

If you are on a tight budget, Pinterest and instagram are full of good Ideas for redecorating on a shoe string.

Do Not I repeat NOT sit looking mournfully at the space where his belongings used to be.

MJMG2015 · 25/09/2020 22:16

You might regret not going, but you'll regret going even more!

He's moving out, not moving to the moon, there's nothing stopping you meeting with him another day if you decide you want to and if he refuses, then that's reassurance that this is the right thing anyway.

It is bloody hard. I was 24 - we'd been together since I was 15. We both knew we needed to do it, but neither of us wanted to and we made it so hard on ourselves by staying friends & doing stuff together - it gave us both false hope at times, but the other one was level headed and stopped us getting back together! If we'd both faltered at the same time it would have been a mistake.

It was a very big roller coaster

Many break ups later (and one longer & even more serious) I've always known that I got through it with D, I can get through it again

But I was a complete & utter mess at the time, cried loads, didn't want to be without him, even eyed up a few lamp posts whilst driving very fast - all kinds of things. But hold tight you will get through it!!! Honest x

Rainbowqueeen · 25/09/2020 22:20

Op go no contact. You need time to heal. You won’t get that if you are still in touch. Block and delete

6 years is a long time so of course you are grieving Expect to have bad days.
Make a list of things you can do to fill your time and start doing them Focus on health hobbies career. Things will get better

BlueJag · 25/09/2020 22:27

I just can't imagine how you both stop having sex. So strange for a young couple not to want to be intimate. Unless there was a medical reason I cant understand it. I've been married 31 years and we still have sex.
I know relationships are complex but for me sex is a barometer on how things are.

AgentJohnson · 26/09/2020 06:32

Go if you really must but it probably won’t end up in reconciliation and the pain from the rejection will hurt just as much.

Break ups suck but your ex has moved on, which means you have to too.

Maybe it’s time to engage professional support.

Original poster
helpmeeeeee · 26/09/2020 09:42

So I absolutely decided not to go, and he's just texted saying he needs me to sign something to do with our car today (we shared a car on finance), fantastic

OP posts:
AnnaliseKeating · 26/09/2020 09:50

@helpmeeeeee

So I absolutely decided not to go, and he's just texted saying he needs me to sign something to do with our car today (we shared a car on finance), fantastic
So ask him to leave it in the flat, and you can sign it and post it back to him later today?
Guardsman18 · 26/09/2020 09:52

Tell him to leave it in the flat and you'll post it back or get someone to drop it to him?

Don't see him help.

DBML · 26/09/2020 09:55

Go if you want, beg if you want, but it won’t make a blind bit of difference. You’ll just feel bad about it later and wish you hadn’t.
Tell him to leave the document and you’ll post it back tomorrow - he can wait a few days for it.

I think you need to at least prepare yourself that there may be someone else he’s interested in moving forward with, so it doesn’t come out of the blue.

But even if that happens, remember that is isn’t you ... exactly this has happened to millions of people before you and will continue to happen to millions of people after you. It’s part of life unfortunately and you will get over it, however painful it feels right now.