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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I do this?

71 replies

BridlingtonSand · 24/09/2020 09:09

I have noticed a pattern in my behaviour with my DP and I'm not sure why I do it. I'm thinking that it's possibly my attachment style or even a bit borderline. Anyway, I would appreciate your thoughts, whatever your frame of reference or terminology because I feel that I'm going crazy.

A typical way it manifests is when DP goes out to see a friend on an evening. I am happy for him to go, and hope he has a good time. I have a good evening too and feel happy and chilled.
Then, as soon as he gets home I just feel so angry with him. He acts defensive, (typically because he gets home later than he said he would, but not at an unreasonable hour or because he) and this just winds me up more. We end up falling out, have a horrible night of me feeling unloved and him feeling criticised, me wondering if we should just split up, and both wake up in the morning feeling bruised and wondering what the hell just happened.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtains · 24/09/2020 09:13

Then, as soon as he gets home I just feel so angry with him. He acts defensive, (typically because he gets home later than he said he would, but not at an unreasonable hour or because he) and this just winds me up more.

Hi, could you fill in the blanks there ^^ and say a bit more how he communicates his lateness and how you feel about that?

pumpkinpie01 · 24/09/2020 09:14

This does sound a bit odd to be honest , you have enjoyed having the evening to yourself and encouraged him to go out so why kick up a fuss when he gets back. Do you end up making up shortly after or does the bad feeling carry over to the next day ?

Bunnymumy · 24/09/2020 09:16

It couldn't be that you get a gut instinct he has been up to something and that's what triggers you? I mean it's odd it only kicks in when he gets home.

peach1234 · 24/09/2020 09:16

He's probably getting home later than expected because he knows what you're going to be like when he gets in so he might aswell make the most of being out.
This would make me absolutely miserable if any time I went out to have a nice time with friends I'd be made to feel bad about it. I wouldn't want to come home.
Can you not just try to pretend you're not angry? Act like nothings wrong then by the morning the feeling would've probably gone or you'd be distracted by being busy the next day. You know you shouldn't be otherwise you wouldn't be questioning this behaviour?

Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 24/09/2020 09:27

Hi, could you fill in the blanks there ^^ and say a bit more how he communicates his lateness and how you feel about that?

Instead of coming in and calling hello, he'll kind of just stand there looking almost sheepish I guess. As pp, he's probably expecting to be in trouble. And that makes me feel even more angry, because I feel that I'm working hard to accept his lateness and not make a big deal of it.

Even just typing this I can feel the anger rising and I feel like such a bad person.

OP posts:
Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 24/09/2020 09:29

Do you end up making up shortly after or does the bad feeling carry over to the next day ?

It lingers, but normally we'll make up by being very tender with each other and both apologising. But it does cast a shadow. And I just want to be happy again.

OP posts:
Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 24/09/2020 09:30

@Bunnymumy if I have any 'gut feeling' it's completely irrational and illogical. I genuinely don't think I'm picking up on anything untoward.

OP posts:
Marisishidinginmyattic · 24/09/2020 09:32

Does he need to be back a certain time? Wouldn’t it be less pressure on both of you if he didn’t promise a time to be back, and you didn’t wait up on him getting in? You won’t get worked up on him being late back if there’s no time to be late back for and he won’t be acting like a child waiting to be told off when he comes home.

Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 24/09/2020 09:32

@peach1234 I agree with everything you say. This behaviour of mine is completely unacceptable. I hate it. I commit to acting normal, but he gets in and shuffles about and I want to scream.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 24/09/2020 09:34

Hormones? Menopause?

JamieLeeCurtains · 24/09/2020 09:34

@BridlingtonSand, what time are we talking about here? Are you waiting up late? Or would you be up anyway?

LachlanRose · 24/09/2020 09:35

@Marisishidinginmyattic

Does he need to be back a certain time? Wouldn’t it be less pressure on both of you if he didn’t promise a time to be back, and you didn’t wait up on him getting in? You won’t get worked up on him being late back if there’s no time to be late back for and he won’t be acting like a child waiting to be told off when he comes home.
This. You need to just be if the mind " I'll see you when I see you", within reason of course. But he's not a child, and shouldn't have a curfew. Maybe that's why the resentment. ... He looks sheepish like a child to his mother? And you're not his mother and you don't want to be?
Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 24/09/2020 09:36

Wouldn’t it be less pressure on both of you if he didn’t promise a time to be back, and you didn’t wait up on him getting in?

Yes, I've said this. His time-keeping is awful, and who wants a deadline when you're out with friends. But he'll say something like, "no I don't want to be late, I'll be home by 9". But I know this now, so I just accept it'll be whenever, and it's never a worryingly late hour.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 24/09/2020 09:36

Well either he has worked a right number on you and your body is conttoning on to the fact that he has been up to something but maybe you've been gaslit so you don't listen to it and think you must be going crazy.

Or, theres something odd going on in you right enough. Is there maybe an incident from your past is triggering this reaction?

Maybe having a word with a professional would be wise.

Original poster
BridlingtonSand · 24/09/2020 09:38

Menopause?

Definitely. Could it be just that??

what time are we talking about here? Are you waiting up late? Or would you be up anyway?

Completely reasonable, before 11pm say, but I'm definitely a morning person and like an early night.

He looks sheepish like a child to his mother? And you're not his mother and you don't want to be? This resonates too.

Or, theres something odd going on in you right enough. Is there maybe an incident from your past is triggering this reaction?

I'm sure there's a bit of a complimentary thing going on, but for my part I think it's coming from a very young age because I can't verbalise it.

OP posts:
KinseyWinsey · 24/09/2020 09:42

You're a morning person and lime an early night. So he has to too?

LachlanRose · 24/09/2020 09:47

Well, your resulting emotion is anger....

This could come from resentment due to ongoing disrespect. He's the one setting the curfew, and he's the one that doesn't adhere to it. He's letting you down over and over and over again. Death by a thousand paper cuts. And this is also the reason you're not angry until he comes home. You didn't set the curfew. You're not bothered that he's out til ten.... Until he walks through the door and he looks sheepish and you realise that he knows he's not came through again, not been a man of his word again. And you think? How can he knowingly keep doing it?

It actually sounds frustrating as hell. I think this is his issue more than yours. He is the one making this rule , and he is the one breaking it.

The boundary he's breaking in your relationship isn't being late per se. It's the constant disrespect and disregard for not doing what he says he's going to do.....

JamieLeeCurtains · 24/09/2020 09:49

I have to say, that a sheepish or wounded looking person is pretty passive aggressive and annoying, because the faux woundedness is designed to communicate a pretty negative point.

It's saying, 'Look at me, being all sheepish because of you.' It's not grown up, it's a bit pathetic. And it can be quite manipulative.

I can honestly see why it's annoying you, especially if you chuck in hormonal upheaval.

peach1234 · 24/09/2020 09:53

Jesus he's not a child, you get angry when he's home before 11?! It would be the other way round for me I'd be going mad at DH if he was angry at me for going out and being home before 11!! That's not a late night! Ok maybe if he was out until almost 11pm 3/4 times a week and you had work early the next day or getting up with the kids? You really need to just try and suppress the anger when it comes over you and just have a word with yourself.

supersonicginandtonic · 24/09/2020 09:53

It's a running joke between me and my partner. If he says I'll be back by 9, I say see you at 11!
I love having a long soak in the bath and then an early night when the kids are in bed.
Maybe the way forward is something like that for you, rather than waiting up.

Imloosingmyshit · 24/09/2020 09:54

Maybe you need to go out too??

JamieLeeCurtains · 24/09/2020 09:58

I think you could tell him to come in normally, like normal people do, when he gets home.

peach1234 · 24/09/2020 10:04

@LachlanRose curfew, rules, boundary's , god it's a relationship not prison!

fatherfintanstack · 24/09/2020 10:18

I would find the pretend sheepishness, all 'look what you made me do' really frustrating and passive aggressive too.

However. You can't keep blowing up at a grown man for getting in a bit late, not unless there's a reason he needs to be in on time.

Tell him, and mean it, repeat it if you have to, that you don't want an ETA, you'll see him when he gets in later that night I.e. you won't entertain him staying out all night all the time but you don't care if it's 2100 or midnight (although it's more likely to be just after 10 at the minute!!). Just an idea of where he's going and with whom, such as 'I'm going into town with Fred and Barry' is enough.

Tell him that constantly breaking his own promises is very frustrating even if it isn't something hugely consequential in itself each time and you both need to find a solution to this.

Is there any separate problem causing resentment such as that he can't really afford to be out regularly it is affecting the family finances?

TorkTorkBam · 24/09/2020 10:21

I have a slightly different take on it.

Then, as soon as he gets home I just feel so angry with him. He acts defensive

You have left out a very important part.

Then, as soon as he gets home I just feel so angry with him. I act on that feeling then He acts defensive

Feelings happen. Actions are choices.