Why do I do this?

[BridlingtonSand]

I have noticed a pattern in my behaviour with my DP and I'm not sure why I do it. I'm thinking that it's possibly my attachment style or even a bit borderline. Anyway, I would appreciate your thoughts, whatever your frame of reference or terminology because I feel that I'm going crazy.

A typical way it manifests is when DP goes out to see a friend on an evening. I am happy for him to go, and hope he has a good time. I have a good evening too and feel happy and chilled.
Then, as soon as he gets home I just feel so angry with him. He acts defensive, (typically because he gets home later than he said he would, but not at an unreasonable hour or because he) and this just winds me up more. We end up falling out, have a horrible night of me feeling unloved and him feeling criticised, me wondering if we should just split up, and both wake up in the morning feeling bruised and wondering what the hell just happened.

sort of agree with LachlanRose

Bit of passive aggression going on there. Like you are being set up to punish him. So you could try this:

When he says he'll be back by 10.00 (even though you have asked him not to state a time) try re-setting the rules and taking back control: "no, you have till 1.00am" and believe it. Go to bed, listen to a podcast to get to sleep.

Lol - if he comes back after 1.00am you have a passive aggressive on your hands.

Your focus for a solution seems to be on resolving your feelings of anger so you do not act in ways you regret the next day.

I think changing emotional reactions is a huge ask of yourself. I think that should be only your secondary objective.

I suggest your immediate focus should be on how you choose to behave when you feel the anger. How will you manage yourself? Will you go to bed early so you won't be there to react? Will you take a bath? Say calming words in your own head? Force yourself to ask about how his friends are doing with your face and tone arranged to be neutral?

I have pretty much done all of those things Tork, to the letter. Say I’m in bed, he’ll come in to the bedroom, trying to be quiet but actually making a lot of noise and I just feel so angry. Ridiculously so.

There are no financial issues or anything like that (we have separate finances anyway). He is very busy and I spend a lot of time without him, and would like to see more of him, but maintaining friendships is important to us both.

Anger was not an acceptable feeling in my family growing up. And I know I have a lot of unresolved anger at work at the moment. But I’m worried about how I act it out, that I’m abusive and controlling and my behaviour makes us both so sad.

Why are you angry though? Maybe you should look into some counselling before you ruin the relationship

Say I’m in bed, he’ll come in to the bedroom, trying to be quiet but actually making a lot of noise and I just feel so angry. Ridiculously so.

He obviously wants you to be angry at him. Does he play the victim in other ways?

Hmm the pp have covered the obvious things but what jumps out at me (I think someone else was mentioned this) is the sheepish behaviour. That would certainly make me cross.

Granted I've never had an issue with DP coming in late, I'm very much of the view that I'm not his mother (and actually he is an adult so even his mother wouldn't be cross) , I don't own him so dont act like I'm going to tell you off. MN talks about the fauw wide eyed but for women but I've found men do it as well. This sort of ridiculous "my missus will tell me off". It would make me feel like I was being controlling and a keeper and doesn't give me a lot of respect for the little boy sheepish act. That would make me very angry.

Is it possible that , ignoring your issues for a minute fair enough you are working on them, he is playing some stupid passive aggressive game ? The fnur fnur silly little boy me I have broken the rules ? If so I get why you would be so angry.

I live with an adult , it's not my job to police him. Passive aggressive behaviour would certainly be a fast way for me to feel very angry.

He isn't doing anything wrong. Even being sheepish isn't his fault because he knows he is about to be a verbal punching bag so don't blame him for that either. What he needs to do is stand up to you to be honest.

Take ownership of your behaviour, you talk about it like it's an external event. You are angry about something else and you are taking it out on your partner because he is putting up with it. I bet you don't lose your shit with strangers or friends who would be having none of it.

Speak to a professional because this might wreck your relationship.

@BridlingtonSand

Menopause?

Definitely. Could it be just that??

what time are we talking about here? Are you waiting up late? Or would you be up anyway?

Completely reasonable, before 11pm say, but I'm definitely a morning person and like an early night.

He looks sheepish like a child to his mother? And you're not his mother and you don't want to be? This resonates too.

Or, theres something odd going on in you right enough. Is there maybe an incident from your past is triggering this reaction?

I'm sure there's a bit of a complimentary thing going on, but for my part I think it's coming from a very young age because I can't verbalise it.

Oh yes !! I turned into a monster . I hit peri hard my whole personality changed . I actually thought I hated my husband . I was raging 😤 Look further into this x

Take ownership of your behaviour

Isn’t that why I’ve started the thread? I am owning it.

I think therapy would help. I had/have a lot of therapy for stuff like Borderline traits.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is usually recommended, but that didn't really work for me.

EMDR therapy can help as it reduces the effect of past trauma (which is the cause of Borderline traits.)

The situation at work lies on top of previous unpleasant experiences you've had, which makes the feelings it engenders more intense. The situation with your DH coming home late could be doing a similar thing.

EMDR or other therapy for your previous traumatic experiences could make stressful situations less intense for you.

Through counselling you could identify the actual root emotion / motivation for your anger in this specific situation and CBT could help you unravel it and rewire how you act.

You need to know if it's because of fear he's done something disloyal, he's let you down before, you are at breaking point stress wise and taking it out on him etc.

This does sound ever so unfair on your partner, though it's good you want to change it. I would seek counselling and be very wary of people trying to make this his issue / his fault.

Not saying you're doing this yourself but I know sometimes on threads like this people are keen to show the OP support and suggest they aren't responsible / accountable and while they have good intentions, it's not always constructive.

So you know he is going to be later than he says but still you get angry. I think you need to try and do something about your anger. He isn't doing anything wrong. I agree his sheepishness is probably due to you being angry before he has even taken his coat off. If this was a woman coming home later than she said, and her husband would get angry what do you think the responses would be?

Do you see your friends as much as he sees his? You say you spend a lot of time without him, are you maybe feeling a bit left out / jealous even? I say this with utmost sympathy as someone with a very sociable DP.

Thank you @SoulofanAggron I am concerned about my behaviour and would like to change it. I am already in regular therapy for personal and professional reasons, but don't feel positive about the EMDR-type modalities.

Recline I'm definitely more sociable than him and have a wider circle of friends. I don't begrudge him time with his friends, although I'm not really keen on half of them. He is busier than me at the moment, and I do spend a lot of time on my own whilst he works though.

Do you get anxious by him not coming back when he said he would be? Does it worry you that something has happened to him?

That’s what it would often be like with my dp. He would say he would be home at a certain time and even though I KNEW he must have fallen asleep on the train, lost track of time or phone died etc I would feel anxious and then get mad. So now I just tell him to make sure he has a key and I don’t want to know when he’s coming back. That way I will be able to actually fall asleep without getting stressed wondering what’s happened. It’s much better this way as I genuinely don’t mind what he does but I would rather not know as he really is careless (suspected adhd) but it’s not my problem to fix and he won’t change. Luckily in other ways he is an amazing partner.

don't feel positive about the EMDR-type modalities.

@BridlingtonSand I was skeptical but it is actually evidence based, that's why they even offer it on the NHS now, when they really don't offer stuff unless there's a lot of evidence. It's really worth a go.

Do you get anxious by him not coming back when he said he would be? Does it worry you that something has happened to him?

No, not really unless he's been driving quite some distance. That worries me a bit. The worse bit is if he's out late I'll go to bed, but can't quite get off to sleep because I'm half listening out for him. I've asked him just to walk in to the house and shout, "hello!" but he prefers to creep in and not disturb me, but obviously at some point I wake up and can hear a man on the stairs, or in the bedroom. That leaves me a bit anxious!
But it's rare that he comes home that late nowadays (this was like midnight or later if he'd been at a gig in another town).

@SoulofanAggron I think I just don't like all the mind-programming aspect of it. I had training by someone who also did EMDR and I found her cold and unfriendly. The thought of someone like that tinkering with my brain...

Are you angry that he doesn't say hello when he comes in? So if he did say hello it would be ok? If it's as simple that you may have to prove that with your actions more than once so he trusts you're not going to kick off regardless.

@Gilda152

Are you angry that he doesn't say hello when he comes in? So if he did say hello it would be ok? If it's as simple that you may have to prove that with your actions more than once so he trusts you're not going to kick off regardless.

I agree surely this is worth a try.

EDMR isn't mind programming! It's helps you be desensitised to certain triggers. In my case it's reading news stories about sexual assault. Before EDMR this would launch me into flashbacks and panic attacks. Now it's dulled the unhealthy emotional responses while still allowing me to have healthy ones eg risk assessing when that is something I need to do, allowing myself to feel angry and sad but in a proportionate response rather than spiralling.

That or CBT could be really helpful for you.

Have you asked your partner how he feels about this? I think you should sit down with him, talk him through your thought process when this happens (saying I know xyz bit isn't reasonable so I'm going to do xyz to tackle it) and ask him to be transparent and honest about how it makes him feel with a guarantee that during the conversation you won't kick off or be passive aggressive, you will just listen.

That and seeking help would surely be a good start IMO.

Are you angry that he doesn't say hello when he comes in? So if he did say hello it would be ok? If it's as simple that you may have to prove that with your actions more than once so he trusts you're not going to kick off regardless.

No, I'm not 100% sure why I feel angry when he gets home.

The "hello" thing was in response to a poster asking if I get anxious when he's out. I don't. I have a lovely evening. The only thing that puts me on edge is knowing that he won't holler hello if he's coming back very late after I've gone to bed, but will try to creep in quietly. This puts me on edge because if I've dropped off I awaken to hear someone on the stairs (say) and momentarily I'm scared that there's someone in the house. This is what leaves me anxious. It's another reason I tend to lie awake waiting for him, to stop me getting that 'jump'.

@newnameforthis123 I will look in to CBT/EMDR.

Have you asked your partner how he feels about this? I think you should sit down with him, talk him through your thought process when this happens (saying I know xyz bit isn't reasonable so I'm going to do xyz to tackle it) and ask him to be transparent and honest about how it makes him feel with a guarantee that during the conversation you won't kick off or be passive aggressive, you will just listen.

Yes, he's worried that I'm going to be angry. If I explain that I'm now trying xyz to address my behaviour, he says he still feels worried that I'll be angry. Then I feel terrible, because I worry I'm abusive and I wonder if we should split up, because nobody should have to live like that.
Sometimes he gets a bit angry/defensive saying that he's allowed to see friends you know. This makes me defensive, because I haven't said otherwise and I don't like him making out that I stop him seeing friends.

Sigh. It's a mess.

This makes me defensive, because I haven't said otherwise and I don't like him making out that I stop him seeing friends.

But you acting like this is bound to make him feel less able to see his friends. You give lip-service to him being fine to see his friends and be as late as he wants or whatnot, but your actions say completely otherwise.

How often is he going out to see 'friends' ?

Also, I feel like the alarm over "a man being in the house" is giving yourself permission to get angry. You know fine well it'll be him, and even a momentary fright before you remember isn't reason to subject him to your anger.