Why do I do this?

[BridlingtonSand]

I have noticed a pattern in my behaviour with my DP and I'm not sure why I do it. I'm thinking that it's possibly my attachment style or even a bit borderline. Anyway, I would appreciate your thoughts, whatever your frame of reference or terminology because I feel that I'm going crazy.

A typical way it manifests is when DP goes out to see a friend on an evening. I am happy for him to go, and hope he has a good time. I have a good evening too and feel happy and chilled.
Then, as soon as he gets home I just feel so angry with him. He acts defensive, (typically because he gets home later than he said he would, but not at an unreasonable hour or because he) and this just winds me up more. We end up falling out, have a horrible night of me feeling unloved and him feeling criticised, me wondering if we should just split up, and both wake up in the morning feeling bruised and wondering what the hell just happened.

Would you really want him to shout hello upstairs when you've got kids aeep in bed though?

Did anyone male abandon you or did you lose someone male when you were a child?

Also open up about how you are not that keen on his friends.

I think I know what's going on.

I used to be in a ladies darts team, so spent many evenings for several years in the pub. There were a lot of men there. Almost all of them would, at some time or other, talk about her indoors, and how they were going to get it in the neck from her when they got home. As in "Cor, you're going to be in trouble mate!!" when one of them was leaving to go home.

Perhaps he is feeling on the defensive when he walks in and you're reacting to that?

My prediction is that you sit there and drink wine whilst he’s out.

It’s the booze making you irrational.

Terrible drug, alcohol.

You know fine well it'll be him, and even a momentary fright before you remember isn't reason to subject him to your anger.

But it isn’t that, that makes me angry. I feel anger rush over me when he walks in, before he’s said or done anything.

Re. abandonment, yes my dad died when I was 18 months old.

Re. “Her indoors” reminds me very early on he got to mine after a night out. Let himself in with a key and then didn’t come upstairs. I was perplexed, when downstairs to look for him and he was bedding down on sofa. I asked him what was going on, and he said he presumed he was “in the dog house” for coming home late. I laughed, said “don’t be daft and come up to bed“.

For “coming home drunk” not late, sorry.

@Longsight2019 I don’t drink alcohol.

[quote BridlingtonSand]@Longsight2019 I don’t drink alcohol.[/quote]
You see where I was going though. Losing all sense of being reasonable through an empty wine bottle.

However, clearly not relevant here.

You sound controlling and unreasonable.

If he gets in before 11, even if he said 9pm, so what??? It's not affecting you at all.

You need to work out why you're reacting like this before he gets fed up and ends the relationship.

It just sounds like a pattern that’s now ingrained in you OP.

@Roguesausage - He obviously wants you to be angry at him. Does he play the victim in other ways?

Would you like to think about if the sexes were reversed here?

Would you say that a woman was 'playing the victim'? Have a word with yourself.

You sound controlling and unreasonable... You need to work out why you're reacting like this before he gets fed up and ends the relationship.

Yes, I know. My awareness of this is literally the premise of the whole thread

Thank you to everyone who has offered some insight with kindness and honesty. I have a few ideas to follow up in order to make the changes I need to make. (I won't be reading the thread any further).

But it isn’t that, that makes me angry. I feel anger rush over me when he walks in, before he’s said or done anything.

So all this stuff about it being because you're on edge about being woken up, or because he should shout hello when he gets in, or whatever is hooey then, isn't it? There's nothing he could do when he gets in that won't be received with rage.

I think you should entertain some of the suggestions for different types of therapy.

So you like an early night.

As a result of that, even if he gets back before 11, it either gives you a scare when he comes in because you're drifting off or you lie awake in order to avoid the scare when he comes in.

And to get around the scare you've suggested he shouts "hey, it's me back" when he comes home but he hasn't/won't .. is that right?

Have you had an experience that makes you particularly scared of a man breaking into your home?

What can he do other than shout hello when he comes in?

It's unreasonable to expect someone to always come home from seeing friends before you go to bed/sleep especially if you're an early to bed type person.

I think if it were me... I'd be feeling irritated because of him looking sheepish... When I was fine with him being out... So why try to make out that actually I'm cross with him when I'm not, by acting all sheepish....
And it might also be that later evening change, you're all relaxed, and then he comes in and interrupts that by looking sheepish and banging around.
I'd say the solution is to say, it's annoying when you come in looking all sheepish as if I'm cross with you going out and being later than you thought... When in fact I don't actually care.... But it's annoying when you come in and disturb me as I'm going to bed... So can you either just stick to a set time give or take 15 mins, or actually come back a bit later once I've gone to bed. Stick some ear plugs in, go to bed, ask him not to turn lights on or wake you and then you don't have to deal with his sheepish behaviour

Surely it's on her to control her temper, not him to try to placate her? He looks sheepish because he keeps getting treated to a demonstration of anger every time he comes in from socialising.

She claims she's fine with him seeing his friends, so she needs to behave like she is.

Op, if you were you, I would explore your feelings about your DFs death.

Is it the fact that you’re not spending as much time with him due to work etc and the free time he has he’s choosing to spend with his friends over you?

Some of these comments are awful, imagine if the sexes were reversed. Would you call a woman coming home and acting sheepish, “passive aggressive” or “playing the victim”

You have said that you don't like when he comes in and crashes around and makes a lot of noise, then you also said he's too quiet when he comes in and you think he's a burglar - well, you can't have it both ways, can you?

He can do nothing right.

Are you sure that he’s seeing friends and not having an affair ?

Is it possible that he acts like this when he comes home to create an argument, so he has an excuse not to have sex with you and / or sleep in the same bed ?

If he works a lot and socialises a lot, when does he do The housework ? Do you feel his does half of everything around the house ?

When do you spend time with each other ?

When he goes out for the evening , what do you do? Why don’t you go out with your friends and come home after you expect him home?

Does he always go to the pub or does he have any hobbies? What about you?

You’ve talked a lot about what happens when he comes home but not much about the rest of your relationship and I’m wondering if the key is there.