Minimal contact after dtd.

[user1482134515]

I hate myself for this but I am starting to fall for my fuck buddy. I am very fragile at the moment and tbh am always pretty needy and pathetic when it comes to guys. I have been single (and horny!) for a while now and thought I could handle casual sex in order to scratch an itch - well obviously that is bollocks!

This guy is sexy, sensitive, intelligent. We seem to have so much in common, connect on an intellectual and emotional level. However we were both clear from the start what we wanted.

Since dtd last (3rd meeting) his contact has dropped - has been 3 days now with nothing. I'm toying with the idea of just sending a very frank text along the lines of: Hey so I think I like you a lot - this is going to be a problem in relation to our fwb situation isn't it?

I just want to understand if he feels anything. If not I just want to end it and move on

Is this a terrible idea?

@northernstar0412

Hey OP. Hope you're OK. Women are much more likely to get attached to a man even after one good sexual experience because of the bonding hormone called Oxytocin, which women produce more of during orgasm than men. That's why they can take us or leave us after DTD, while we can't bear him to leave our side - even if before the deed he seemed only passably attractive. That Oxytocin hit is a powerful chemical reaction.

Neediness is a turn-off but you can learn to control it - I have what one might call "abandonment issues"/ (same thing) but I've learnt to control them. Despite our so-called "equality" with men (which I don't believe exists, in reality) men are hunters. In my experience, they pursue women they are attracted to who are elusive and challenging. When we pursue them, more often than not they run. It is human nature to try to escape that which is in pursuit.

The two most important relationships in my life (as I never married) followed similar patterns. I fell in love/ lust with the man fairly quickly and they, realising this, grew less interested and started to muck me about. Because they knew they could.

Of course, not all men are like this, and the best course of action would have been to avoid such men. But I was young and willful.

It was only over a period of time when I changed - became less focused on them - that each of them sat up and took notice. Both of them completely changed and became devoted long-term partners I could rely on. (Not at the same time.)

The point is - when you change, others change. You can learn to be less needy, more independent and to value / honour yourself more than you value the fleeting attention / comfort this guy provides.

Ultimately, we are (all of us) alone. We don't need anyone but ourselves to survive. Wanting and needing are two different things. You don't need him. Wishing you strength xx

Great post, this has been my experience too.

Now I do not sleep with random men for fun. I only do it once in an exclusive relationship that's going somewhere.

@Chocaholic9 good for you. Maybe men won't sleep with you as you have a stick up your arse?

He sounds like a bit of an arse tbh op and like you are better off not with him. Making it sound like you are the reason he doesn't want a relationship because of your mental health. Actually he just doesn't want to admit how shallow he is in that he will shag someone he doesn't really like.
Well done for finding that out now . You don't need a relationship with someone who thinks you are substandard somehow. Onwards and upwards.
(Block him!)

[quote reclaimbricks]@Chocaholic9 good for you. Maybe men won't sleep with you as you have a stick up your arse?[/quote]
That’s a bit harsh, if you read her comments properly she’s saying she no longer sleeps with men that she’s not in a serious relationship after too many experiences like the OP has just had.

@reclaimbricks oh or maybe I should jump to wild conclusions like you just have and say that maybe the reason the men you sleep with won’t commit to you is because you’re so unpleasant

I admire your honesty OP, and hey dont sweat it. Plenty of 3 times a night with emotional availability out there 😉

@user1482134515

He responded eventually. Some very cryptic messaging back and forth but I think the gist is that he might have been interested if I were in a better place.

I kind of shared too much last time we met, mentioned (briefly!) how I struggle with my mental health. He said I gave off a sad aura (not good I know!)

This is probably why I've fallen so hard, why he can't give me more, and why ultimately I'm so fucking relieved that it's over and I'm not going to get hurt. Phew!

I don't like the way he's blaming you like that, honestly he doesn't sound that nice, you will find a better guy, keep the faith, you sound like a lovely genuine person

Well one of my best friends gives off a sad aura sometimes. Its part of who she is and I love her all the more for it. She has a depth of feeling for life that is remarkable and this is the result. You are who you are, you don't need to be anyone's happy aura or entertainment.

Obviously though, when this is caused by mental health and difficulty then look to resolve these issues, I'm just saying if that's how you feel at times.... then that's absolutely fine.

You did good OP. Just take care of yourself, you really do sound lovely.

You guys are making me tear up! @LachlanRose your friend sounds similar to me! I seem to feel things very deeply. I don't mind indulging my melancholy side sometimes (I quite enjoy it ) but when it comes to relationships it's just far too much. I need to find myself a brooding poet I think We can both walk around in floaty clothes channeling Sylvia Plath

@user1482134515

You guys are making me tear up! *@LachlanRose* your friend sounds similar to me! I seem to feel things very deeply. I don't mind indulging my melancholy side sometimes (I quite enjoy it ) but when it comes to relationships it's just far too much. I need to find myself a brooding poet I think We can both walk around in floaty clothes channeling Sylvia Plath

And why not? Don't change who you are just to get a man, there is someone out there who will compliment you perfectly

It kind of seems like a poor excuse to me.. but that's just me.
I definitely have a sad aura, but it's part of who I am. I'd take this to mean he doesn't like me for who I am and I'd feel rejected

It's why I should probably stay single 😖 dating game is complicated

Aw @user1482134515 you sound very like me. I've never thought about it before, but I think maybe I give off this aura too. And you will find someone who loves this, you will. I find myself apologising for always having something sad to talk about, but the person I share these things with says I've no need to apologise and he thinks it's lovely because I care so much about things. He also loves my 'weird, nerdy' ways, because I'm different and like the things I like that others might not.
Waiting for a text back from this friend..........
Ffs.

My partner says strengths are also weaknesses and he's definitely right.
I'm analytical and problem solving and I'm very good at it. But it also leads to rumination, anxiety and overanalysis of emotional issues that can't be "fixed".

I’m also quite “needy” and I eventually found someone who has a secure attachment style, which I need. Like me, he enjoys loads of contact and quality time together. I can’t say I never feel anxious in this relationship but it works and I’m very happy. There’s a lid for every pot, as they say.

@Closetbeanmuncher

I admire your honesty OP, and hey dont sweat it. Plenty of 3 times a night with emotional availability out there 😉

Omg where?!?!? I would love to find this - someone you want to fuck AND like spending time with. Holy grail.

@Isadora2007

You’re not pathetic *@user1482134515* and it’s okay to have needs and wants. It doesn’t make you “needy” but wanting other people to fix you isn’t the answer and getting into any relationship now isn’t the answer either. Stick to a Fuckbuddy. Screw the friends aspect too as it will muddy for you. Get someone you don’t even fancy much but who is good in bed. Then get some self help books and take time to get to know yourself and work through your issues by journaling or get counselling etc. I mean that in a kind way- self help really is worthwhile and you and worthy of love and respect and a relationship but you need to love yourself first.

Why would you sleep with someone you don't fancy much? Is this a thing? I thought the point of sex was to find someone attractive.

[quote reclaimbricks]@Chocaholic9 good for you. Maybe men won't sleep with you as you have a stick up your arse?[/quote]
Why so rude @reclaimbricks? I've been hurt far too many times by FWB. Been in OP's position like 5 times in the last few years.

I think your date sounds like an arse too OP.

Block him - totally his loss. You sound great.

@reclaimbricks - Your comment reads like an entitled guy who is angry at women for having boundaries. Bit creepy, just saying.

[quote Chocaholic9]@reclaimbricks - Your comment reads like an entitled guy who is angry at women for having boundaries. Bit creepy, just saying.[/quote]
That's what I was thinking, too, Chocaholic. It's not about "having a stick up your ass" but respecting and honouring your own emotional needs and being cognisant of your vulnerability.