Minimal contact after dtd.

[user1482134515]

I hate myself for this but I am starting to fall for my fuck buddy. I am very fragile at the moment and tbh am always pretty needy and pathetic when it comes to guys. I have been single (and horny!) for a while now and thought I could handle casual sex in order to scratch an itch - well obviously that is bollocks!

This guy is sexy, sensitive, intelligent. We seem to have so much in common, connect on an intellectual and emotional level. However we were both clear from the start what we wanted.

Since dtd last (3rd meeting) his contact has dropped - has been 3 days now with nothing. I'm toying with the idea of just sending a very frank text along the lines of: Hey so I think I like you a lot - this is going to be a problem in relation to our fwb situation isn't it?

I just want to understand if he feels anything. If not I just want to end it and move on

Is this a terrible idea?

@beachydreams it was Tinder but don't think I would recommend tbh. Was a long slog with lots of time wasters! I'm deleting the app today regardless of the outcome!

Thanks @LachlanRose @WakingUp55643 No response - I think I have my answer! I will be relieved to block and move on tbh.

I am v needy need to work on that!

Oh OP I'm the same slept with my ex on Monday night and heard nothing since. We have a DD together so will see him at pickup at the weekend but I'll just act friendly and breezy lol. Don't dwell on it plenty of nice men out there somewhere. If you meet one and he has a brother let me know lol.

[quote user1482134515]@VivaMiltonKeynes met 3 times, shagged 5 times [/quote]
How could you of met 3 times. Shagged 5 times?

Sorry. This made me lols. Unless you guys have got a new internet sex us oldies don't know about?

@Happyheartlovelife ahaha! Last time we met I stayed over. 3 times in one night. Probably the reason why I'm smitten

OP I think I love you!

Seriously though, I think you should be proud of putting yourself out there. If it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out, but at least you know for sure. Remember it’s not a reflection on you if he’s not interested in dating

Op I am in exactly the same spot as you, I'm planning to have a chat about it next time I see him. I'm wishing you all the luck but also admiring your bravery in just stating what you want, as others have said, you're awesome!

I wouldn’t block him - he might be thinking and will answer later.

You sure you're not just in lust OP? He's clearly great in bed but is he boyfriend material?

FWIW even if you do have feelings you are NOT pathetic! I had a lovely FWB for 1.5 yrs and even though I couldn't see myself in a relationship with him I still had feelings for him because he was kind, funny, great in bed... I questioned myself loads of times about whether I wanted more but concluded that the over-riding feeling was strong fondness more than anything deeper.

I think its hard to have sex with someone multiple times and not develop feelings, I know I couldn't do it. I hope he answers with the response you want op :)

OP - I think you have done the right thing by being upfront and it took guts.

At least now if you don't get a response or the response you want you won't get further involved in something casual.

Any update OP?

He responded eventually. Some very cryptic messaging back and forth but I think the gist is that he might have been interested if I were in a better place.

I kind of shared too much last time we met, mentioned (briefly!) how I struggle with my mental health. He said I gave off a sad aura (not good I know!)

This is probably why I've fallen so hard, why he can't give me more, and why ultimately I'm so fucking relieved that it's over and I'm not going to get hurt. Phew!

You guys are the best! Thanks for keeping my spirits up

Ahh, that's a shame but at least now you know! No regrets

I'm relieved for you that he's not going to try and take advantage of your feelings.

Perhaps it's something you can take on board, to prioritise yourself and focus on the things that make you happy in life.

Personally I never did well with The FWB situation, I think someone always gets hurt and it's usually the woman.

Good for you! You can draw a line under this and move on. Happy times are round the corner X

OP - I think you need to have a bit of self reflection and maybe talk to someone.
It’s not that you come off as needy. It’s more than you seem to move very quickly and think that you have feelings for someone you briefly saw three times.
This isn’t a normal speed for any sort of relationship. Not for regular dating, not for FWB->BF sort of situation.

You met the guy. You had sex a handful of times (literally). It was good sex. And the guy was nice and if the type you can imagine dating. So - boom. Off you went into a fantasy.
This isn’t really healthy.

I hope you find some way to slow down and let whatever type relationship you have next to develop at a more normal pace.

OP you did great, you talked to him honestly and found out where you both are.

In my single life I fell for a fuck buddy and told him. He didn't feel the same way. I cried a bit but stopped sleeping with him. He got in touch a few months later asking me out but I had another boyfriend by then.
Funny old world.

Hey OP. Hope you're OK. Women are much more likely to get attached to a man even after one good sexual experience because of the bonding hormone called Oxytocin, which women produce more of during orgasm than men. That's why they can take us or leave us after DTD, while we can't bear him to leave our side - even if before the deed he seemed only passably attractive. That Oxytocin hit is a powerful chemical reaction.

Neediness is a turn-off but you can learn to control it - I have what one might call "abandonment issues"/ (same thing) but I've learnt to control them. Despite our so-called "equality" with men (which I don't believe exists, in reality) men are hunters. In my experience, they pursue women they are attracted to who are elusive and challenging. When we pursue them, more often than not they run. It is human nature to try to escape that which is in pursuit.

The two most important relationships in my life (as I never married) followed similar patterns. I fell in love/ lust with the man fairly quickly and they, realising this, grew less interested and started to muck me about. Because they knew they could.

Of course, not all men are like this, and the best course of action would have been to avoid such men. But I was young and willful.

It was only over a period of time when I changed - became less focused on them - that each of them sat up and took notice. Both of them completely changed and became devoted long-term partners I could rely on. (Not at the same time.)

The point is - when you change, others change. You can learn to be less needy, more independent and to value / honour yourself more than you value the fleeting attention / comfort this guy provides.

Ultimately, we are (all of us) alone. We don't need anyone but ourselves to survive. Wanting and needing are two different things. You don't need him. Wishing you strength xx

You’re not pathetic @user1482134515 and it’s okay to have needs and wants. It doesn’t make you “needy” but wanting other people to fix you isn’t the answer and getting into any relationship now isn’t the answer either. Stick to a Fuckbuddy. Screw the friends aspect too as it will muddy for you. Get someone you don’t even fancy much but who is good in bed.
Then get some self help books and take time to get to know yourself and work through your issues by journaling or get counselling etc. I mean that in a kind way- self help really is worthwhile and you and worthy of love and respect and a relationship but you need to love yourself first.